Day 60- Am I but a Reactive Child Trapped Within a Woman's Body (self-forgiveness statements continued)

This is a continuation of my past blogs:

Day 57- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-57-am-i-but-reactive-child-in.html

Day 58- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-58-am-i-but-reactive-child-trapped.html

Day 59- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-59-am-i-but-reactive-child-trapped.html

Herein I am continuing self-forgiveness statements on my reactions within a situation which I am tracing back through peeling back the layers within and through self-forgiveness so that I may understand and delete the character/pattern from within and as me- thus interacting with parental figures from a starting point of equality and oneness instead of from the parent-child dynamic.

Self-Forgiveness on Reaction C:

Reaction C:  Frustration. Thought: She’s trying to ‘help’ me complete a task by offering unneeded instructions with a lack of awareness, instead of actually assisting and supporting me in ways which consider the reality of the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my desire for self-change on to a parental figure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as frustration when a parental figure acts based on a starting point of unawareness, instead of seeing, understanding and realizing that in reality, I am frustrated with myself for acting from a starting point of unawareness, wherein I do not assist and support myself in ways which consider the reality of my situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge a parental figure with projected self-judgement, for acting from a starting point of unawareness, wherein I see, realize and understand that I do the very same thing- such as giving instructions when they are obviously not needed, such as when I will say or do something unnecessary for the sake of ‘going through the motions,’ or ‘keeping up appearances,’ when I’m actually not focusing or really interested at all, but trying to pretend like I am for the sake of those around me, instead of stopping, taking some breaths and reigning myself in so that I am present and aware within my interactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interact with others while I’m in a mind possession, wherein I am completely in my mind and thus unfocused and unaware in actual physical reality, so while in self-interest I indulge in the energetic pursuits of the mind, I neglect physical reality and those within it who I am interacting with at the time, instead of stopping my internal experience and bringing myself back to awareness so that I can have an actual real interaction with another instead of wasting both of our time by being falsely present/interacting not as who I am, but within and as my mind, thus interacting self-dishonestly as a façade rather than directing myself within and through the interaction as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that when a parental figure gives me instructions on how to do something which I obviously already know how to do, that it is because he/she thinks I am capable of doing it, instead of realizing that he/she is going through his/her own process and is in his/her mind, so it’s not about me nor how he/she perceives me and my capabilities, but rather him/her going through something of his/her own, and trying to play the façade and go through the motions, as I have done- by reacting to this behaviour I am making the statement that it is real and I accept and allow it, thus I will continue to accept and allow it within me, therefore, I see, realize and understand that the only thing I can do in self-honesty is to breathe through the reactions/energy that may come up and walk through the situation without participating thus- being in it but not of it- so I can assist and support myself to not repeat this pattern within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to interpret ‘help’ from a parental figure as a message/sign/indicator that he/she doesn’t think I can do it on my own/without help.

To be continued...

Day 53- All I Exist as is a cast of Characters

It’s cool because this realization that all we all are and have ever been is a cast of characters playing out the script we have written for ourselves in our own Hollywood movie where we are the star has really strung together a lot of self-forgiveness I have already realized within myself. It answers questions like, why do we act/react one way in one environment surrounded by certain specific people, and then another way in another environment? Why do we fear doing something for the first time? Because we have no memories to script ourselves with in order to know which character to be. Why do we fear to call others out on their bullshit? Because they might turn around and call us out on ours, because in reality, each is only wearing the mask of the character that they are in that moment, and each validates, accepts and allows all others to keep their characters in an unspoken agreement that we all participate in. And these characters seem so real that we actually become them as we believe them to be who we are.

When I look at this baby I know, I see that she does not have any characters- she is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. I look at a 3 year old that I’m close to, and I see her designing her characters- based on the reactions and feedback she receives from those around her- what behaviour gets her attention, which actions give her approval, what makes her feel good, where can she exert control, etc… And then I look at a 5 year old who I’ve watched grow up, and I see already formed characters where the same pattern repeats itself every time- to the point where the parents/family learn how to cope with his characters and end up manipulating the environment to avoid the troublesome ones and encourage the good/likeable ones, the ones that make US feel good too. Within observing these children, I can see how I created my cast of characters over time. The fact that we don’t remember scripting/designing/creating the characters we play can give the impression that they weren’t scripted, designed or created at all- but are rather who we really are- however- it is apparent that they are in fact nothing but characters and acting and thus- not real. If each one of us were to stand up as who we really are as Life, we for sure would not put up with all the bullshit we do today- from ourselves and from others.

So, the only thing to do now is to call out all the characters, pull them out and expose them in order to be able to forgive them and let them go so that we can find out what is behind them. What human potential has been limited and suppressed for so long due to the limitations we have imposed upon ourselves through playing mere characters and role instead of living, breathing and expressing us as who we really are- one and equal to everything and all that is here. From here on out, my journey to Life will involve calling out the characters I have designed and played out for myself, because they are limited and limiting and I will not accept or allow myself to exist as anything less than who I am.

For more context on how we have existed and created ourselves as nothing more than charaters on a stage, chaeck out these other blogs:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-79-stepping-out-of-character.html?m=1

http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/looking-for-more-of-myself-day-78.html

http://earthsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-44-character-game.html

http://rozelledelangeblog.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-22-me-as-main-character-within.html

http://journey-of-lindsay.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-79-kill-buddha-hes-just-character.html

http://mayaprocess.blogspot.com/2012/07/my-life-as-character-overview-day-79.html

http://spiritualjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-45-characters-i-allow-as-self.html

http://malingunilla.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-79-im-nothing-but-character.html

Day 22 - Avoiding Friends I Change Around

            Today I was at the Laundromat and I saw two of my former coworkers who I worked with two years ago before I left for school. They were going into a house. I used to hang out with them. My husband asked me why I didn’t go over to say ‘hi,’ and it took me a long time before I could figure out the answer. I realized that I do not like who I become when I ‘m around them. We discussed the fact that I should stand stable no matter who I’m around, and if I don’t, then I’m giving my power away.

When I moved away to go to school, I met new people, and I started friendships with classmates the way I wanted to, wherein I would not participate in fake personalities or energetic experiences with them. I didn’t do it perfectly, but I definitely took steps that I’m confident I can build upon to eventually not be influenced by others. But when I saw those two coworkers, I immediately reacted to them, because I used to change who I was when I would hang out with them, and I didn’t like that. So when I saw them I immediately assumed that I would be like that again, which is not a good assumption to make, because if I allow myself to participate within those thoughts, then I’ll likely repeat the pattern instead of taking steps towards standing stable and not compromising myself in the presence of others.

Even if I’m not interested in starting up a friendship with them again, there’s no reason why an emotional experience within me should stop me from going over and saying ‘hi,’ and seeing how they’re doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change around others by entering into personality constructs as personalities which I have, over time, constructed mostly as a coping mechanism, in order to feed my ego to achieve the greatest amount of energy-based reactions, feelings and emotions etc.. which is really manipulation of myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and/or desire to participate within and as energy, within and through relationships with others, so that I may get what I want, whether it be a feeling, a confirmation, validation etc… out of relationships in my life and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to manipulate my world and the relationships within it through specifically designing personalities which I can consciously or subconsciously access in order to maintain a feeling ‘good,’ ‘validated.’ ‘happy,’ ‘energized,’ fulfilled,’ ‘righteous,’ ‘superior’ etc etc etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use relationships in my world to attain these ‘senses of self’ that I think/believe/perceive to be who I am, instead of realizing that Who I Am is not an internal feeling within myself that needs to be ‘fed,’ manipulated or validated, because Who I Am, as Who We All Are, is Here already.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged by others when I interact with them, and so I compromise myself in order to not be judged, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is really only me judging myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged as weird, awkward, ugly, uncool, boring etc.... when I am with others, instead of standing within and as complete self-acceptance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weird, awkward, ugly, uncool, boring etc.... instead of accepting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, if and when I am judged, accept it as real, indicating that I have already accepted it as real within myself already.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change who and how I am in order to get others to ‘like’ me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive I need others to ‘like’ me, in order to reflect that ‘liking’ back to myself so that I can think/believe that ‘I am liked,’ and ‘I am likeable’, which would indicated that I actually believe the opposite, otherwise I would not need to reflect it to myself as a projection from others, making it ‘someone else’s job’ to ‘like’ me, because I don’t like myself.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to like myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act/behave in ways that I don’t like, and instead of taking responsibility and stopping and changing, I take the easy route and just not like myself, while living the lie that I am likeable by going into personalities around people in order to get them to like me/manipulate them into liking me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for going into personalities around people, and then avoid being around those people because I judge myself and don’t like who I become, or that I become something/someone else around them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in the presence of others by going into personality suits, due to the fact that I have abdicated my self-responsibility in terms of 'who I am' on to others, specifically  in this case, the want/need/desire to be 'liked,' because I have acted in ways which I myself do not like, and have not taken complete rsponsibility for myself yet in this way- in this way wherein my thoughts, words and deeds are alligned within a consideration for all that's Here, as that I what I would want from everyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in any way for anyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility in any way to anyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame other people for the fact that I change myself when I’m around them, instead of taking responsibility and standing as me no matter who I am around.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my feelings of ‘not wanting to be around people because of the way it makes me feel’, instead of taking responsibility for the way I feel, forgiving it so that I can simply be me, and directing myself to face others to see what comes up so that I can accordingly address it within myself every time.

When and as I see that I am reacting to others wherein ‘I don’t want to see them,’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the understanding that it is my responsibility to stand as me no matter who I am around, and nobody else can do that for me, so I will stand.

I commit myself to investigate any and all internal reactions I experience when I am in the presence of others.

I commit myself to push through any and all fear that I experience when and as I am interacting with others.

I commit myself to work towards interacting with others within and as absolute self-honesty wherein I stand as me in every moment.

Day 18 - The Presence of Another

            Sometimes when I’m alone I feel fine, but then someone will enter into my presence and I will become stressed, as if their presence causes me an internal reaction. I understand that my internal experience of myself is entirely my creation and responsibility, and that no one can ‘cause me’ to feel a certain way, so for today’s self-forgiveness I will take apart this pattern wherein I react to the presence of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the presence of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that the presence of another causes me to feel a certain way, specifically tonight, stressed.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my internal experience of myself, wherein I do not investigate the reasons for my reaction within the justification or excuse that it has been caused by an external environmental change, instead of realizing that the presence of another is reflecting me to myself, and I am really reacting to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within and as stress in the presence of another because I’m not sure who I am ‘supposed to be’ when I’m with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that I need to be or act a certain way because I’m not alone anymore, or because I am sharing my immediate environment with another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change for other people, instead of remaining stable within and as myself, as Who I Am, even If I am not entirely certain as to Who I Am yet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing myself as Who I Am in the presence of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being myself in front of another because I am so used to being or becoming ‘someone else’ for the sake of another, wherein I act in certain ways to ‘keep the peace,’ or to try/attempt to create a friendly/fun/happy/nice environment for the other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try/attempt to manipulate myself/my environment/another being in order to try/attempt to create an certain specific experience or mood that I find appropriate/comfortable/safe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the mood/reactions/stresses of another being in my presence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the cause of the mood/reactions/stresses of another instead of realizing that I don’t have that kind of power, and that they are responsible for their own internal experience and I mine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that Who I Am is not good enough, fun enough, happy or exciting enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that I am not enough instead of accepting myself as I walk my process of self change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility and self-direction when I am in the presence of another because of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the fear I create within me when I am in the presence of another by trying and attempting to ‘make it go away’ by changing who I am, instead of standing up from within that fear and standing stable as a statement of self-responsibility and self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that changing who I am can change my internal experience of myself, instead of realizing that I cannot escape myself by playing a role or pretending I’m something I’m not. I see, realize and understand that this will only cause me more internal turnoil and will accumulate further consequences as a more intnse/increased version of what I am experiencing tonight, at a later time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing another being to dictate who and how I am.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand as Who I Am due to the fear that I will have to stick up for myself and  face the reactions of another because I am behaving differently than I usually do because I am not playing out my usual patterns of becoming something or someone I’m not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to explain myself and my change in behavior because of self-doubt, wherein I give my power away within the want/need/desire for the validation of another in order to validate me as Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future within and as the fear that I will not be validated by those in my environment, because I am acting differently than I normally do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire validation from a source outside of myself.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be the living realization that only I can validate me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the want/need/desire for peace/fun/’happines’/excitement within my environment above or greater that me Standing Up from within the patterns I have created myself as.

I allow myself to validate me and stand as Who I Am as Life.

I commit myself to standing as equal and one to myself and to others in my environment and all that’s Here by standing up from within the fear that I have thus far accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as.

I commit myself to be/become a pillar of self-support, as well as support for others by standing up as Who I Am and not accepting and allowing anything less from myself or from others.

I commit myself to change my nature from patterns, habits and reactions to a being that is Here, in awareness, and who understands and lives the principles of oneness and equality.