198 - Gossip Girl vs Self-Supportive Communicator

My life has changed rather drastically over the past few months, and all the change has unearthed some subconscious and underlying fears that I have been living with for quite some time. A point came up recently where I have been sharing myself, wherein I would discuss situations and events in my life with another/others in an attempt to gain comfort from these fears that were coming up. I have realized that the best and most effective advice comes from cutting through my own bullshit, facing my fears by stepping up and taking responsibility for them, and sharing with myself, through writing, the support that is most difficult to hear.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to discuss and reveal the details of certain specific aspects of my life in order to create a positive energetic experience about them with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take actions to create a positive energetic experience about events in my life in order to make my life/my ego seem ‘greater-than’ what they in fact actually are, instead of focusing on the reality of the events or situations, and within humility, focusing on Who I Am within them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek and crave the energy I am able to create within and as ‘gossiping’ about myself and my life with another, thus creating unintended/undesirable/unnecessary consequences, which are like chain reactions that involve more beings than only myself, instead of directing the events according to the principles I have learned, understood, and committed to..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that the way I feel about an event/situation/circumstance determines whether I am directing myself ‘correctly’ or ‘incorrectly’, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that the only matter of importance is Who I Am within the events/situations/circumstances, whether or not I am aligning myself according to principles, including honouring and supporting myself,  and what and how I am building myself as a being of integrity within what I say and do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility  for directing the events/situations/circumstances of my life, and to, within not taking self-responsibility, fail to create a blueprint for myself to properly deal with the points and parts of myself I am faced with, and within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this lack of a blueprint as an excuse to look to others for direction and advice, and to use the energetic ‘bond’ or ‘closeness’ as a comfort to make myself feel ‘better’, ‘safer’ and ‘not alone’, when the reality is that I am alone in the position of taking self-responsibility and deciding Who and How I Am and how I will direct my life and world.

When and as I see that I am looking to  create energy with another about events/situations/circumstances that require to be directed in my life, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by breathing through the fear of taking self-responsibility, and I look to my own common sense and principles to show myself the best way to handle and direct myself.

When and as I see that I am using gossip as a way to feed the experience of myself, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-realization by reminding myself that when I only focus on how I feel, I neglect to take into consideration the multi-dimensional  reality of any situation, thus limiting my ability to truly give myself the gift of actual learning/growing/moving/directing.

I commit myself to face myself as myself, without the crutch of energy as gossip, and I commit myself to differentiate between energy-creating communication and self-supportive sharing.

I commit myself to breathe through my reactions and write them out for myself, and speak about them only when I am clear within myself.

Day 56- Am I the 'Annoyed Daughter' -Self-Corrective Statements Continued

Each of these self-corrective and commitment statement is direclty related to each of the self-forgiveness statements made within this blog: Day 54- Am I the 'Annoyed Daughter'?, and is the continuation of  Day 55- Am I the 'Annoyed Daughter' -Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see that I am desiring the experience of ‘moreness’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to myself within the consideration of myself as a whole, Here; One which does not require to be ‘more than’ within and as an energetic experience of the mind, but to simply return to breath, Here, within and as my physical body in the present moment, which is the only moment I have to move me and live me effectively from a starting point of oneness and equality, where no one is ‘more than’ another, and no experience within and as the mind is ‘more than’ what is actually physically Here.

I commit myself to walking through the experience of the desire for ‘moreness’ in order to live the realization that anything ‘more than’ what is actually, physically Here is nothing but an illusion that exists only in the mind.

I commit myself to ground myself within and as this physical reality, to walk myself out of the mind of illusions and I commit myself to be and become the living application of the realization that the pursuit of ‘moreness’ is actually diminishing myself as it takes me away from Here, thus taking me away from myself in order to engage in the pursuit of endless desires of the mind, fueled by energy derived from the physical, thus actually, literally consuming and diminishing myself into thin air.

When and as I see that I am going into/playing the role/character of ‘annoyed daughter’ in order to make me feel better about myself, specifically ‘mature’ and ‘responsible’ I stop, and I breathe. I take myself back from this act/illusion and ground myself Here within the realization that I am not these energetic pursuits of the mind, I am Here, and always have been- waiting for me to stop and realize.

I commit myself to stop my participation within and as the character of ‘annoyed daughter’ and to instead accept who I am without the desire to be more/be seen as more/see and define myself as more through playing characters that I believe are ‘more than' who I am Here.

I commit myself to self-change- to change those parts of me that I cannot accept because they are of ego and do not consider the Whole, equal and one, instead of abdicating my self-responsibility to do so through/as/within playing characters as a way to compensate for the ‘bad feelings’ and self-judgments I have manifested as a result of who/what/how I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become over time- in this case specifically the character of ‘annoyed daughter’ which, because of how I have defined it, gives me the illusion of being ‘responsible’ and ‘mature,’- because over time I have defined myself as ‘irresponsible’ and ‘immature’ because I have, over time, not taken self-responsibility in every moment and not acted maturely (as in- having not directed myself to ‘mature’ and ‘evolve’ as a person, but to have rather sat back and accepted/allowed myself to be directed and dictated by the mind, thus remaining stagnant and idle instead of me moving me, deciding who/what/how I am and will be by being the self-directive principle of myself). Within this, I commit myself to take myself back from the energetic illusionary characters I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as, by pulling them out one by one in order to see why/how I created them , so that I may delete them from within/as me, and start living Me for the first time, for real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to value perceiving myself as the ‘annoyed daughter’ who Is so responsible and mature rather than valuing what I actually am and what I am living, wherein, within this valuation I take care of who and what I am and that which I am actually living by writing it out, paying attention, being aware and taking responsibility for it.

When and as I see that I am valuing who I am as a character in any way whatsoever instead of valuing Who I Am as Life Here I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself out of the energetic possession by breathing through and out of the valuation of the character as if it is who I am by reminding myself that the only thing that is real about me is Who I Am Here as the physical- a physical body functioning within and as a physical world- anything beyond that is but a creation that has taken me away from taking the self-responsibility to create and value myself as Who I am as Life as the physical Here.

I commit myself to paying attention, being aware and taking self-responsibility for who I am and what I am living by writing it out, exposing and understanding it so that I may stop, self-forgive, delete and walkmy self-corrective application.

I commit myself to live the realization that the ‘annoyed daughter’ character is only make believe, it is not real nor has it ever been, that thus far I have believed it to be real and have lived according to it in moments, making it real to me by giving it my attention and energy.

I commit myself to stop acting from a starting point of trying to attain a ‘good/satisfied’ feeling through participating within and as the character of the ‘annoyed daughter’, which I believed defined me as ‘responsible’ and ‘mature’ to myself and others, and within this I commit myself to stop living a lie as a character as who I am and instead I commit myself to Livingas an actual being within and as this physical reality, participating and engaging fully present and aware, within and as the principle of doing what’sbest for all within the understanding that we are all one and equal, therefore what’s best for all is best for me.

When and as I see that I am reacting within and as annoyance in relation to my parents, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that I am only abusing myself and my parents by reacting within and as a character in order to manipulate myself into experiencing myself as ‘mature and responsible’- thus using them as secondary actors in my play where I am the main star- thus using them to validate my character that is the ideal that I desire to experience in the moment that I go into that character.

I commit myself to live and stand as a real being instead of living a lie and validating that lie through the manipulation and abuse of others, within the view that they are secondary actors of lesser value and I am the star because I have a perception of myself in my own mind that is seemingly more central and more important than all other beings in the world, simply because I am me.

I commit myself to stop valuing the self-perception of myself as superior in my own mind and I commit myself to instead live as an equal- valuing all as me one and equal.

Day 22 - Avoiding Friends I Change Around

            Today I was at the Laundromat and I saw two of my former coworkers who I worked with two years ago before I left for school. They were going into a house. I used to hang out with them. My husband asked me why I didn’t go over to say ‘hi,’ and it took me a long time before I could figure out the answer. I realized that I do not like who I become when I ‘m around them. We discussed the fact that I should stand stable no matter who I’m around, and if I don’t, then I’m giving my power away.

When I moved away to go to school, I met new people, and I started friendships with classmates the way I wanted to, wherein I would not participate in fake personalities or energetic experiences with them. I didn’t do it perfectly, but I definitely took steps that I’m confident I can build upon to eventually not be influenced by others. But when I saw those two coworkers, I immediately reacted to them, because I used to change who I was when I would hang out with them, and I didn’t like that. So when I saw them I immediately assumed that I would be like that again, which is not a good assumption to make, because if I allow myself to participate within those thoughts, then I’ll likely repeat the pattern instead of taking steps towards standing stable and not compromising myself in the presence of others.

Even if I’m not interested in starting up a friendship with them again, there’s no reason why an emotional experience within me should stop me from going over and saying ‘hi,’ and seeing how they’re doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change around others by entering into personality constructs as personalities which I have, over time, constructed mostly as a coping mechanism, in order to feed my ego to achieve the greatest amount of energy-based reactions, feelings and emotions etc.. which is really manipulation of myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and/or desire to participate within and as energy, within and through relationships with others, so that I may get what I want, whether it be a feeling, a confirmation, validation etc… out of relationships in my life and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to manipulate my world and the relationships within it through specifically designing personalities which I can consciously or subconsciously access in order to maintain a feeling ‘good,’ ‘validated.’ ‘happy,’ ‘energized,’ fulfilled,’ ‘righteous,’ ‘superior’ etc etc etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use relationships in my world to attain these ‘senses of self’ that I think/believe/perceive to be who I am, instead of realizing that Who I Am is not an internal feeling within myself that needs to be ‘fed,’ manipulated or validated, because Who I Am, as Who We All Are, is Here already.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged by others when I interact with them, and so I compromise myself in order to not be judged, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is really only me judging myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged as weird, awkward, ugly, uncool, boring etc.... when I am with others, instead of standing within and as complete self-acceptance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weird, awkward, ugly, uncool, boring etc.... instead of accepting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, if and when I am judged, accept it as real, indicating that I have already accepted it as real within myself already.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change who and how I am in order to get others to ‘like’ me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive I need others to ‘like’ me, in order to reflect that ‘liking’ back to myself so that I can think/believe that ‘I am liked,’ and ‘I am likeable’, which would indicated that I actually believe the opposite, otherwise I would not need to reflect it to myself as a projection from others, making it ‘someone else’s job’ to ‘like’ me, because I don’t like myself.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to like myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act/behave in ways that I don’t like, and instead of taking responsibility and stopping and changing, I take the easy route and just not like myself, while living the lie that I am likeable by going into personalities around people in order to get them to like me/manipulate them into liking me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for going into personalities around people, and then avoid being around those people because I judge myself and don’t like who I become, or that I become something/someone else around them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in the presence of others by going into personality suits, due to the fact that I have abdicated my self-responsibility in terms of 'who I am' on to others, specifically  in this case, the want/need/desire to be 'liked,' because I have acted in ways which I myself do not like, and have not taken complete rsponsibility for myself yet in this way- in this way wherein my thoughts, words and deeds are alligned within a consideration for all that's Here, as that I what I would want from everyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in any way for anyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility in any way to anyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame other people for the fact that I change myself when I’m around them, instead of taking responsibility and standing as me no matter who I am around.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my feelings of ‘not wanting to be around people because of the way it makes me feel’, instead of taking responsibility for the way I feel, forgiving it so that I can simply be me, and directing myself to face others to see what comes up so that I can accordingly address it within myself every time.

When and as I see that I am reacting to others wherein ‘I don’t want to see them,’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the understanding that it is my responsibility to stand as me no matter who I am around, and nobody else can do that for me, so I will stand.

I commit myself to investigate any and all internal reactions I experience when I am in the presence of others.

I commit myself to push through any and all fear that I experience when and as I am interacting with others.

I commit myself to work towards interacting with others within and as absolute self-honesty wherein I stand as me in every moment.

Day 18 - The Presence of Another

            Sometimes when I’m alone I feel fine, but then someone will enter into my presence and I will become stressed, as if their presence causes me an internal reaction. I understand that my internal experience of myself is entirely my creation and responsibility, and that no one can ‘cause me’ to feel a certain way, so for today’s self-forgiveness I will take apart this pattern wherein I react to the presence of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the presence of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that the presence of another causes me to feel a certain way, specifically tonight, stressed.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my internal experience of myself, wherein I do not investigate the reasons for my reaction within the justification or excuse that it has been caused by an external environmental change, instead of realizing that the presence of another is reflecting me to myself, and I am really reacting to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within and as stress in the presence of another because I’m not sure who I am ‘supposed to be’ when I’m with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that I need to be or act a certain way because I’m not alone anymore, or because I am sharing my immediate environment with another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change for other people, instead of remaining stable within and as myself, as Who I Am, even If I am not entirely certain as to Who I Am yet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing myself as Who I Am in the presence of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being myself in front of another because I am so used to being or becoming ‘someone else’ for the sake of another, wherein I act in certain ways to ‘keep the peace,’ or to try/attempt to create a friendly/fun/happy/nice environment for the other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try/attempt to manipulate myself/my environment/another being in order to try/attempt to create an certain specific experience or mood that I find appropriate/comfortable/safe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the mood/reactions/stresses of another being in my presence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the cause of the mood/reactions/stresses of another instead of realizing that I don’t have that kind of power, and that they are responsible for their own internal experience and I mine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that Who I Am is not good enough, fun enough, happy or exciting enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that I am not enough instead of accepting myself as I walk my process of self change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility and self-direction when I am in the presence of another because of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the fear I create within me when I am in the presence of another by trying and attempting to ‘make it go away’ by changing who I am, instead of standing up from within that fear and standing stable as a statement of self-responsibility and self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that changing who I am can change my internal experience of myself, instead of realizing that I cannot escape myself by playing a role or pretending I’m something I’m not. I see, realize and understand that this will only cause me more internal turnoil and will accumulate further consequences as a more intnse/increased version of what I am experiencing tonight, at a later time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing another being to dictate who and how I am.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand as Who I Am due to the fear that I will have to stick up for myself and  face the reactions of another because I am behaving differently than I usually do because I am not playing out my usual patterns of becoming something or someone I’m not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to explain myself and my change in behavior because of self-doubt, wherein I give my power away within the want/need/desire for the validation of another in order to validate me as Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future within and as the fear that I will not be validated by those in my environment, because I am acting differently than I normally do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire validation from a source outside of myself.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be the living realization that only I can validate me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the want/need/desire for peace/fun/’happines’/excitement within my environment above or greater that me Standing Up from within the patterns I have created myself as.

I allow myself to validate me and stand as Who I Am as Life.

I commit myself to standing as equal and one to myself and to others in my environment and all that’s Here by standing up from within the fear that I have thus far accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as.

I commit myself to be/become a pillar of self-support, as well as support for others by standing up as Who I Am and not accepting and allowing anything less from myself or from others.

I commit myself to change my nature from patterns, habits and reactions to a being that is Here, in awareness, and who understands and lives the principles of oneness and equality.