Day 260 - Chasing Life Instead of Living Life – the WHY

I was asked recently to picture my perfect life, to explore the projection I have been holding onto and chasing instead of living fully present here where I am, getting to know exactly who I am right here and now, exploring and embracing all of me here. And so I pictured it in heavenly tones of whites and pearls and light greys and pinks, where I am fit, in my yoga clothes and practicing regularly, I am happy and content with myself and my body, at ease within myself. I have a well-behaved baby and dog, a perfect life partner that I communicate easily and openly with, where we support each other without any obstacles or difficulty. We have a nice house and no money worries. I am on top of organizing my life and meeting all of my needs and the needs of those around me without stress or challenge. And my house is spotless… unlike my current living situation!

And that is the rub – my current situation is not so perfect and nice, in fact, most days are filled with more difficulty, with parts of myself feeling almost like a living inner-hell when I try to confront them. I have body pains and self-image issues, I find it hard to open up and express myself and be absolutely vulnerable with my partner, I have trouble with consistency and organization, even keeping my room clean is sometimes challenging! I get stressed out, lost in my own emotions, migraines, money stress, addictions, bad habits, bad days and so much more! Yet I can so easily distract myself with my perfect projection of my perfect life that I hope will happen some day if I keep chasing it, or when things sometimes work out or are easy. I can suppress the difficult and challenging things and focus only on these fleeting moments of ease as a distraction from my actual reality.

And this is why we project and chase our perfect, ideal lives and version of ourselves in fantasies and future projections: because it is easier to do that than to actually confront and CHANGE the negative, hard, difficult and challenging moments that happen every day, right here and right now in moment-to-moment life and living. We would rather spend our time and generate positive feelings within ourselves by thinking about what an imagined future will be like, one we can visit in tough times and rough moments, but the thing is, we will never take one step towards creating it if we don’t accept and embrace the reality of ourselves right here and now.

My perfect life may not be attainable or realistic, but it serves as a guide post for what to aim for as I face my own living hell in the here and now. I can create elements of it, with the understanding that life is always going to present me with challenges and difficulties. I know I have the potential to create a much better version of myself, which is why the projection feels so real, but I can only create it in the present moment, and I can only do it by changing the parts of me that are less than my best, and that is not going to feel good or easy, and that is what I have been avoiding. I’ve been chasing my projected life instead of facing all parts of me here, the good and the bad.

In those moments where I judge my body and then eat to feel better; it’s not going to be easy to instead face the judgment and maintain my self-discipline to achieve my goal of a healthy, balanced body and body image. The moments I keep quiet when I want to speak up will be filled with fears and anxieties to walk through as I voice myself. When I push myself to be vulnerable, that panicked feeling of exposure will be there for a while at first, and it is not a pleasant experience! Learning structure, organization and putting in the effort to keep my room clean and organized will require walking a learning process and moving through physical resistances, which in my experience feels like walking through quicksand that keeps sucking me in to overwhelm or apathy.

So, in order to live life instead of chasing life, I am going to have to explore my difficulties – those things that have held me back from being and becoming my utmost potential. Avoiding and suppressing them will only lead to a disappointing and regretful life, with only the illusion of some fabulous life out there for me to fantasize about when I am feeling down. 

Exploring my difficulties will mean actually really feeling them within me, getting to know them, learning all about them so that when they come up I will be aware of them, I will walk through them and go through the pain and the momentary turmoil, with my understanding of how I can be better and what kind of a life that will lead to standing as my path or blueprint throughout the process.

I may not be able to create the perfect life, but I know I can be better. I want to see what I am actually capable of being and becoming, but this will involve facing myself as I am now, accepting and embracing the worst of me, really sinking into it, feeling it, and seeing who and what I really am and am living right now.

This blog is a continuation of ‘Day 257 - ChasingLife Instead of Living Life’

The EQAFE recordings that supported me as I walk this experience are:

Connecting to the Best of You 

"We all know what the ideal life for us would be like, but seldom does that ideal life match the life we are actually living. Could the perfect life be an illusion that will forever be beyond our reach, or is there something about the way we have been approaching our living that is keeping us from manifesting the life of our dreams?"

and

The Best of You Through the Worst of You

"On the road to creating the best version of ourselves, the last thing we want to do is having to face the worst version of ourselves first. But what do we end up losing out on when we settle for instant gratification and comfort zones instead of long term fulfillment and facing our resistances?"

Can You Face the Sadness?

 

Can you face the sadness of the world today? Where the flesh that becomes our flesh, in this moment, screaming in crates and in cages in slaughterhouses, “vile, ignoble gulags of despair… in the slaughterhouse, their eyes stabbed out and their tendons slashed on the cattleships, and the dying mother whale as a harpoon explodes in her brain, as she calls out to her calf."

Billions of living, sentient beings tortured and killed each day, starved, diseased, ground up and skinned alive. Human beings, isolated in inescapable abject poverty, subject to slavery, hate, Intolerance and abuse at the hands of other human beings.

“When we suffer, we suffer as equals. And in their capacity to suffer, a dog is a pig, is a bear, is a boy.” A rich man is a poor man.

Quotes from:

https://www.facebook.com/retha.cilliers/videos/10217754377550682/UzpfSTYzNDY3NTIyMjoxMDE2MDg4MjU1ODE4MDIyMw/

 

And it is not because we need to eat and we need to manufacture and we need to survive – we can do all of this in a way that honours life, where creation can be beautiful. But we were born from the matter of this earth that has existed this way, evolved this way, with the worst of us thriving and the best of us diminished every single moment that we do not stop within ourselves. It is in our blood and in our bones, and it is the result of our creation, understanding and the way we live the word ‘money’ which has become a representation of life and the ability to live, where we place our passion, our focus, our ingenuity and creative powers to further advance and evolve this money system as we fight to get ours. And all of us do this, we are all responsible, and every time we do not look and refuse to stand equal to our creation here, we give our permission and choose for it to exist.

And this is where I have arrived, once again, in my process of change. Where, when I am buried in my own dark pits of despair, I think of them, and when I believe I can’t do it for me, I do it for them, and for us. Because when I stand with a chicken, or a horse, or a dog, and ask myself why I cannot stand equal to them, I am overcome with sadness, remorse, guilt and breathtaking regret, and I want to look away and slink back to a small, meaningless, existence, where I say to myself, “but I am one of the good ones. It was not my hands. I am not responsible.” But how many of the ‘good ones’ accepted and allowed a meaningless, disempowered existence, sat by our television sets and around dinner tables enjoying our bubble realities while the conditions that promote the most vile parts of humanity fester along beside us, and also within us, because we are not separate. We go to parties and have a few drinks, just enough to shut down and block out those parts of us that are heavy, that are inhibiting and depressing, without ever taking a moment to seek to understand and correct those parts, we shut down our own suffering as we shut down and shut out the suffering of the world, never giving ourselves the opportunity to see and realize that the things we create inside ourselves are the same things the exist in this physical reality, and that the globe and everything on it is like one giant living being, with parts that are working, parts that need correction and parts that are simply ignored or too appalling to confront. Yet confront them we must.

Those that understand what is shared at desteni, the information that is coming from the hereafter - that part of us that has already walked a process of oneness, equality, self-responsibility and self-creation and has understood the makings of this reality - understand our responsibility and how to change it for real. How it is not so simple as to stop eating meat, to give money to charity or even to live a life of service to your fellow man. The will and the intention are there, but without the understanding of how things really work, how who we are within what we do has more impact than what we do, even the best intentions can lead to more consequence and perpetuation of the same ends we see today.

Dare I suggest we see past ourselves as a ‘good people’, and to stand as equals to the worst of humanity. To develop that understanding of what and how such things can develop and exist in humanity, and to learn to support one another to never walk such a path again. What we judge and condemn will never change, but only continue to exist in secret, in black markets, under tables, behind closed doors and in the secret recesses of our minds where it will continue to strengthen and grow, only to rear its head in some other way, shape or form. To expose everything, to plunge into the darkness, bring it to the light of understanding and then back into the darkness of self where a correction can be made in the flesh of each individual, each as one part of the greater whole.