Be Silent Always (2)

 

 

This blog is continued from Be Silent Always (What is Real Silence?)

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the inner storms, the inner turmoil, the dis-ease, and the emotional states that I experience within myself are caused by the mind-noise, the lack of silence, the missed moments, the accumulation of seemingly insignificant thoughts that arise in moments, and within this:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the accumulated consequence that I myself created through not remaining silent always as a real silence, not seeing and realizing the self-fulfilling prophecy of creating the very emotional states and inner turmoil, which ends up bogging me down physically and emotionally, when all along all I had to do was be Here, in each moment, like a fresh moment and a blank slate in each breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hang on to the mind-noise as inner chatter, repeating thoughts, repeating the same patterns over and over, reacting in the same ways over and over. Not seeing and realizing how easy it actually is to just stop, to let it all go, to take a breath and begin anew, forgive myself and move on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that when I am alone, there should be silence except for practical planning and direct seeing of my environment, and that anything other than this is mind-noise which always accumulates into a negative consequence with a destructive effect in myself, in my life or in the lives of others (as myself) eventually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hang onto positive thoughts when I know this creates a polarity which compromises me eventually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hang on to negative thoughts as it destroys me immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hang on to thoughts and become addicted to thoughts and thinking instead of taking a breath and walking through the slight pull every time I stop myself from participating in thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that inner-silence/remaining silent always is boring, and that within this I should be stimulated, constantly buzzing to keep me distracted and pre-occupied in a tiny bubble where all of my time and focus is invested on controlling the inner-experience that I myself am disrupting with polarized thought.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the control I experience when I accept/allow myself to manipulate myself with positive and negative thoughts, not seeing and realizing that I am not actually in control, the thoughts move too quickly, and so I am constantly only playing catch-up and damage-control, trying to maintain and subdue the stress levels, the anxiety levels, the fear levels, the insecurity, the uncertainty – all of the conditions I have conditioned my body into over a lifetime – thus proving to myself that actual control does not exist, only Self-Expression in the moment can carry one through on the cutting edge of time – real time, timelessness, the unpredictable, the unplanned, the things cannot be prepared for. Only Self-Expression does not accumulate destructive consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being silent is without sound, not seeing and realizing that Life is sound, and there will be sounds, and the only ‘noise’ is reacting to those sounds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot be silent always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can’t stop my reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot quite my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I cannot do something if I have not already done it before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that a quiet mind is impossible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when my mind is quiet, I enjoy myself more.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when my mind is quiet, I laugh more.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when my mind is quiet I do more of the things that I know will benefit me, and within that self-consideration, I find fulfillment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when my mind is quiet, I can consider others more, and that within that consideration I find fulfillment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when my mind is quiet, I consider what is Best for All.

Be Silent Always (When is Silence Real?)

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself, to not speak, to not pay attention to what is going on inside of me and what I am experiencing within myself as a false form of ‘inner silence’ where I will not speak, not acknowledge and therefore not have to face what and how I am actually existing as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control myself through silence, where I experience a self-control and a false sense of inner-peace because within remaining silent I do not have to actually take self-responsibility for what my mind is actually busy with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain silent on the outside, claiming ‘inner-silence’, when in fact my reality feedback of migraines and emotional/feeling reactions to situations and events clearly indicates that I am not actually silent, but in fact very busy in my mind consistently throughout the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain ‘silent’ as not voicing or expressing myself due to the fear of the feedback I may receive from my reality and within this, never learning, never expanding, not giving myself the opportunity to expose myself and so correct myself, but instead keeping secrets and secret parts of myself that comfort me to remain the same instead of ‘stirring the waters’ of Self to be able to SEE myself and what I am busy creating within and through my mind as consequences for myself, my reality and the people in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself from myself by keeping the old, familiar status quo of thoughts, thought patterns, experiences, ideas and beliefs which seem so comfortable and normal, and within this comfortability and normalcy, thinking and believing it is ‘just the way I am’  where I become so much in it and of it that I do not see it for what it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain silent as a ‘deafness’ to myself, where I can see in moments I am judging, comparing, keeping tally, bringing up polarized thoughts – all in order to maintain a control over my self-experience so that I feel ‘good’, ‘stable’, ‘in control’ of myself, without seeing and realizing that it is myself at work de-stabilizing, making unhappy, and feeling out-of-control because of and due to ‘remaining silent’ instead of expressing, exposing, looking, acknowledging what I am busy creating for and as myself in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘remain silent’ due to fear of condemnation – being condemned by self and others for my thoughts and thinking – believing it to be Who I Am wherein there is a guilt, a knowing that what I am busy with inside my mind is not best for me, is not best for all – not seeing and realizing that forgiveness, letting go and changing is the real door to real inner-silence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang on to, clutch on to my survival technique of false silence, avoiding conflict, avoiding friction and avoiding ‘stirring the waters’ in my reality through keeping myself ‘silent always’, while in reality storms were brewing inside of me which I would ignore, suppress and push down, holding on to the storms, allowing them to fester and grow, feeling guilty and condemning myself, or feeling righteous and elevating myself, creating entire inner-realities as self-beliefs and beliefs about others that have no grounds in actual reality but seems and feel so real to me as my inner-experience left unchecked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘remain silent’ as a  fear of speaking and exposing my ‘inner-noise’ as the inner-conversations, thoughts, beliefs, judgments, play-outs, imaginations, imaginary conversations etc… because I have associated them with self-control, because in my mind I am god and have all the control, whereas if I speak, if I expose my inner-world, I can lose it, lose control of it as reality feedback will usually not align with it, not confirm it, where I will want to defend it, defend myself and my inner-reality due to fear of feeling ‘out-of-control’ and fear of walking real-time into the unknown, unknowable, unplanned, unplannable, cutting-edge of time reality that exists Here in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire to remain ‘in-control’ of myself, within and through associating ‘mySelf’ as Who I Am with what I create within my mind as my ‘safe space’ that nobody can touch, so long as I remain silent.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that a false ‘inner-silence’  is self-dishonest, and dishonest with all of those in my reality, is remaining secret and hidden instead of open and honest about Who I Am and where I am at, which would then place the steps and foundation for self-honesty, for the development of trust, for self-intimacy and real intimacy with others, for actual inner-peace, openness, honesty and communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘inner-silence’ as an ‘inner-silencing’ of the turmoil that exists within me in order to create a front of everything being ‘ok’. I am ‘ok’. “I do not need anyone”, because of not wanting to face the reactions of others and not wanting to face myself, but instead hide in an inner-silencing and then acting out in other ways, in rebelling, in escape, in substance abuse, in sex, in relationships, in pretense where I pretend everything is fine while I create an inner hell over time, with physical and emotional consequences to bear which do not just ‘go away’ if I silence them in my mind, but rather remain to remind and show that there is consequence to suppression, to denial, to avoidance, to distraction, to a numbing silence, and to pretense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘remain silent’ as a silencing of my actual experience, and live instead in pretense/pretend, in a false self that is ‘ok’, thus diminishing myself, my actual experience, and within this, distancing myself, disassociating myself with who I really am, focusing more on the pretense, surviving in pretense, living in protection and defense, distancing myself and disassociating myself from others as myself.

I commit myself to open my eyes and ears to my 'inner noise' and within this, open my heart to myself in forgiveness for what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as within myself. 

I commit myself to speak myself in moments when there is something for me to express.

I commit myself to push through the fears and desire to hold on to the self-controlled silence, to step through with the courage and self-trust of knowing that so long as I share and expose me in self-forgiveness, I will be stepping out of the mind and into myself.

 

Interviews from the farm 66: When is Silence Real :: Desteni

That Face

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back from speaking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am victimized within speaking and not speaking myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my words can cause me harm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress speaking for fear of harming my ego as personalities and characters that I have created over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create personalities and character out of fear and survival, and then fear losing them, disrupting them within the belief that what lies underneath them is too painful, too vulnerable, too serious and can only come out in the ‘safest’ conditions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that there are ‘safe’ moments and ‘safe’ people that I can speak myself around, which implies that there are ‘unsafe’ moments and ‘unsafe’ people around which I cannot speak for fear of being hurt or losing something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can lose something through speaking about parts of me that I have defined as too deep and vulnerable, too easily hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear crying around people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed if I cry in front of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I cry in front of others, that I lose some kind of credibility or standing that I can never get back because I have now shown ‘weakness’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define crying as weakness, experiencing emotions as ‘weak’, and showing any instability whatsoever as ‘weak’ and not to be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that everyone around me is strong and stable and I am the only one ‘faking’ it, and if anyone were to find out that I would be outcast, disregarded and lose any credibility as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back when I want to speak because of not wanting to become emotional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming emotional or to fear others seeing me as emotional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into absolute fear when I feel myself becoming emotional for fear that my emotional body will be exposed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of exposure on to my environment and within this define my environment as ‘unsafe’ to share myself in because something might be said or done while I am in an emotional state that might make me crack and break down and possibly cry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing my own emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my emotions bigger than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create monsters out of my emotions through suppressing and denying them, pushing them down where they could fester and grow where it feels like to confront them now would make me spin out of control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need others to help me surgically extract my emotions and emotional points sooooo carefully so that I do not get caught off guard and experience something overwhelming that I am not ready for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can only access my deeper emotional points with the support of others ‘pulling them out of me’ for me, instead of standing equal to my own creation as the emotions I have fed with thoughts, ideas, belief, judgments etc… over time, where I now have the experience that they are bigger than me and I cannot do it alone.