Day 165- Compulsive Skin-Picking: What is Makeup Really Covering Up? (pt 2)

Within my last blog I have been looking at the use of makeup to cover up the damage done by compulsive skin picking (CSP). I'm looking at the application of makeup within which we would cover up the results, outflows or physical consequences of the disorder, in order to walk through our daily lives without having to deal with the reactions that those in our lives and worlds may have towards the blemishes, cuts, scars and sores caused by the disorder. Within this, it is very obvious to me that covering up the results/outflow/physical consequences of the disorder is in no way any kind of treatment of the disorder- in fact, it mostly serves to further suppress the manifestation of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and CSP, by allowing ourselves to not have to face ourselves within it, and not have to face the consequences.
There is certainly a layer of avoidance of others and the reactions of others that I will adress later- but what is more relevant is that facing others is most prominently a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. In covering up the consequences of the disorder it becomes like a secret, wherein, if no one knows about it, it seems like less of a problem, and we can then continue to deny it, hide it, suppress it and continue on with our daily lives. However, within this we fail to see, realize and understand that all day long we are busy creating. In our daily lives and within the relationships we’ve developed with everything in our worlds, and within the reactions, ideas, perceptions and beliefs we continue to participate in on a daily basis, we are constantly and continuously creating the internal environment that causes the OCD in the first place.

There is no escaping this. There is only either facing it, or suppression. Obviously, and as I've mentioned, suppression will never work. No matter how good the concealer is, no matter how potent the medication, no matter how positive the attitude-the disorder will always manage to rear its ugly head, because we haven’t dealt with the root.

So, I want to look at this within the structure of problem/solution/reward in order to illustrate the common sense in summoning the will power and strength and all the other qualities we will need to face this, because this is not a task for the light of heart. Thankfully, all the qualities needed to face this disorder are qualities that can be built within anyone, and this can be done through the process of self-forgiveness, self-commitment, and self-corrective application- by starting small, taking it step by step, and slowly building the resolve, the patience, and eventually the self-will, self-movement and self-direction that one would need to walk out of this all-consuming disorder. It is not only possible, but it is possible for anyone.

Continuing with the structure of problem/solution/reward: The problem is the disorder itself, OCD itself, and whatever expression it happens to manifest itself as within each one’s life. It diminishes the quality of life and the quality of each moment, wherein, moments of actual self-expression, enjoyment, and moments where one is actually moving oneself to create a life worth living, are so few and far between, that life becomes more like something to be endured. A constant struggle and a complete and utter submission to the absolute possession of this disorder. The anxiety, discomfort, fear, anger, irritability, frustration, despair, turmoil and exhaustion that manifests as a result of being completely consumed, enslaved and controlled by this disorder will dominate one’s life, with the only escape being just that: escape. Escaping through distraction, or through polarity, wherein one becomes almost bi-polar, doing really really well for a small amount of time, and then experiencing the great fall, back into the toxicity of OCD. Or escape through medication or substance abuse, or through completely submitting to the disorder, really becoming consumed and possessed by it, and experiencing that brief moment of relief, and then covering the results up with makeup and ‘pretending’ like it never happened. This escape is not real, because whether consciously or subconsciously, we all know it’s still there, and it will be back, and we will go back there, back to the disorder and the temporary release it allows. What is interesting within this is that it reveals the fact that the disorder is both the cause of, and release/relief from the symptoms- the perfect vicious cycle. At any rate, this is not living, and this is the problem.

The solution would be to face the disorder, to stop denying and suppressing it, and to become it completely (as we already are, we already have done so, therefor it is more like becoming aware that we have already become it completely), and stand up from within it, and to change as it. We cannot change ourselves if we deny the fact that we exist within and as a disorder. We cannot change ourselves if we treat the disorder as a separate entity from ourselves, to be treated separatly,  and we cannot change ourselves if we don’t walk through the steps we have taken over time to create and manifest this disorder within ourselves.

The process of self-forgiveness is the solution to this disorder. It is a tool that can be used to trace back the steps of how we have created ourselves in the first place, by bringing history into the present moment, by self-honestly looking at what’s really going on within ourselves and how we are dealing, or NOT dealing with our lives and worlds, and the internal reactions to it all. We have created ourselves as we are today, by repeating the same cycles and relationships that we imprinted upon ourselves as children. This has been shown to me time and time again as I trace back current issues in my world, and it always leads back to myself having planted the seed in childhood. Which seeds took root and grew was not something I was aware of nurturing my whole life, so it’s to now look at where and how the seed was planted, and how and why it was nurtured throughout the years, until for example with OCD, it finally grew into something seemingly more great, and more powerful than me . It may big a ‘big, grown up, adult’ problem at this stage, but the patterns and habits that it consists of have merely matured and grown with me, and can be dismantled into what is sometimes a very child-like mentality that I still live out on a daily basis. This is how we bring history into the present moment.

This entire process has been done by ourselves, to ourselves, and therefore can only be undone by ourselves. And this is why it is a process to now also undo it. And this is why it is called SELF-forgiveness. We forGIVE ourselves back to ourselves, release the past and plant new seeds.

The benefit of this is to be able to actually Live for Real. To express ourselves and Who We Really Are, and finding out what we in fact Can Be. We can actually Live, instead of constantly wearing a mask, such as a mask of makeup, covering up what we are hiding from , or what we think we are hiding from , but which has actually at this point been consuming us the entire time. And within standing up within ourselves, we can also stand up within the world, and stand for what we will and will not accept and allow. Where we can actually breathe, and create and develop relationships of support, and be strong enough to stop the current abusive relationships we create within our lives and worlds. We can make changes that benefit us, and start to work towards creating a Life where we are honoured As Life. We can take our decision-making ability BACK, and start making decisions that take into consideration the entirety of ourselves and those that surround us, and the world as a whole.

So, to bring the topic back to makeup, and the application of cover-up, concealer and foundation in order to create the image of ‘normalcy’, if that even exists, I had to go through the entire process and understanding in order to now discuss how and why I developed the way in which I have found that makeup can also act as a practical support.

For me, my process with makeup has been to first prove to myself that I accept myself no matter how I look. This began when I shaved my head, and faced the word and myself without hair. What I showed myself was that I was still in fact able to accept myself. I saw that I could accept myself even when others in my world could not accept me because I now had no hair. For me, it revealed just as much about them as it did about myself, and I saw that other people's judgment of me had absolutely nothing to do with Who I Am as a human being. At the same time, I walked the process of makeup. I had been applying makeup daily for years, especially when I would leave the house. If I wasn’t wearing makeup, I was usually doing so because I wanted to give my face a break, and it was a point of allowing my skin to breathe. Without maekup I would find myself avoiding people or cringing within myself when people would see me and my blemishes. Through the process of self-forgiveness, I learned to forgive myself, accept myself and breathe through these cringing and withdrawing reactions, until one day, I remember, I was able to sit and talk with my husband, without any makeup, with the sun shining on my face, and I had no reactions, only self-acceptance as: this is who I am right now, this is how I look, this is what I’ve done, and I accept me.

Since then. I have worn makeup again, but when I wear makeup now, I do so from a point of stability. I have NOT transcended the point of OCD and CSP. I still have marks and blemishes and scars and all that, and I know I WILL be judged by it. This judgment, especially at my work place, can have consequences for me that are unnecessary. I saw how people reacted when I shaved my head and I actually lost a relationship because of it. So, I do not want to compromise myself by needlessly exposing myself in every moment. I understand that I have to play a certain ‘acceptable’ role in public life in the society I exist within, especially at work. So I wear makeup, and I wear concealer if I need to do so in order to play the role that will be most supportive for me. However, when I apply makeup, I do so within absolute awareness of what I have done and Who I Am behind the makeup. I accept myself and my flaws and the fact that I am working through a disorder, and I can say this with complete confidence because my application has recently been tested when I forgot my makeup in a friend’s car, and went for three day swithout it. I went work without a trace of makeup (and I had blemishes and all), and I experienced no reactions within me whatsoever. In fact, when she came over with it in a bag, I had no idea what she was giving me, because I had completely forgotten that I didn’t have it. This showed me that my change was real, that I had in fact walked the point through and was stable within who I am without makeup. This way, I know makeup is not a crutch, but rather a practical support, not to hide behind, but to play the role I need to play in this society where disorder are judged and there can be consequences because of it.

In my next blog, I will begin to walk some points within self-forgiveness, as I walk myself towards become the solution to OCD for and as myself.

To be continued in my next blog…

To learn these self-supportive writing tools for yourself visit: DIP LITE- a free course where you will learn to create a platform of self-support to be able to face yourself in forgiveness and acceptance, and recreate yourself through your own self-realization, in a way that honours you and supports yourself to Live a Life worth Living.

DAY 164- Compulsive Skin Picking: What is Makeup Really Covering Up?

http://makeup.me.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/How-to-Apply-Concealer.jpg

For years now I have been visiting support forums and websites in order to read about and interact with other human beings that are facing the same disorder that I am. I suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), which manifests for me mainly in compulsive skin-picking (CSP). Compulsive skin-picking (CSP) and general obsessive –compulsive behavior have been my means of coping with life, and dealing with myself and what goes on inside of me. Interacting with others gives comfort in a way as it reminds us that we are not alone, and that there are others out there that are going through the same thing, and experiencing the same difficulties as myself. One of the things that I have noticed is the discussions about makeup which take place in such interactions. Cover-up is used to hide and conceal the damage done unto the skin, so that one may face the day and face life without having to also deal with and face the reactions of others to the huge blemishes and the multitudinous scars, cuts and sores that are created as a result of CSP.

I have often wondered about cover-up used in this way, because I knew deep down that covering up the damage done by the disorder is in no way treating or preventing the disorder. This realization is a combination of common sense, as treating the symptoms is NOT the same as treating the condition itself- as well as personal experience; because if using cover up to hide the blemishes was in any way an effective treatment for the disorder, I would have been ‘cured’ long ago, as I have been hiding my secret disorder behind makeup for years now- over a decade. So what is it that I am really covering up and hiding behind when I conceal my blemishes?

In the following blog, I am going to look at the internal experience that is escaped through OCD and CSP, and covered up with concealer, and I will look at how I myself actually create this experience throughout the day:

Within walking my process, and now focusing on walking through and out of OCD, I have been looking at, becoming aware of, and identifying the internal experiences which cause friction and conflict within me, and which I suppress and avoid through a series of distractions and the pursuit of ‘just being happy,’ and ‘okay’. This is a pursuit outside myself, meaning, the happiness is being sought as an external experience, which can only mean one thing: there is an ‘unhappy’ experience present. However, instead of looking into and fully investigating that ‘unhappiness’, it is simply ignored and suppressed and covered up by all the ways in which happiness is attempted to be attained. One of the common way this is attained for CSP sufferers is by looking ‘normal’, or looking ‘good’, ‘beautiful’, or ‘presentable’, by covering up the damage done, as if the disorder did not exist, or as if we could forget about the disorder so long as no one else can see our secret truth.

To reiterate: one of the techniques I have used to avoid the seemingly unbearable internal experience I exist within and as, has been to pick at my skin, and to a lesser degree, to engage in obsessive-compulsive disorder in other was which I have mentioned in previous blogs. This has been my fruitless attempt to ‘make it right’, and achieve a ‘satisfied’ or ‘orderly’ experience of myself, attempted through external actions only- again not looking at what causes the internal experience in the first place.

Over the past few days since I have been writing about OCD, I have been looking at this internal experience with more intention, attention and focus. When I’ve had the desire to pick my skin, I’ve looked at what it was that I am trying to escape what is the current experience? What is creating this? How do I create this for myself? Why do I feel I cannot cope with, or face this? So, as my mind would lead me into the endlessness of OCD, I would stop within myself and just feel it- and It is nasty yes, it certainly is. Obviously this is so, otherwise I would not feel the constant need to escape it. However, it is impossible to escape as It is me, it is within me, and over time and throughout the day it becomes like a white noise- constantly there, but I’ve become so used to it that I don’t notice it unless I put a dedicated effort into doing so. But this background noise has, and still does have the ability to completely run my life.

So what can be done?

What can be done is to see how this ‘background noise is created. To see, realize, understand and notice events throughout the day that slowly accumulate this toxic internal environment that is so unbearable it must be escaped, ignored and/or endured. The following is an example of one part of one day, wherein I put in the effort to look at and face, and even play around with myself and my internal reactions and experience in order to see how I create such an experience for myself day in and day out:

For context, this is an example of a day where I’ve already taken back the first hour. I have taken ownership of the first hour of my day, four days a week before work (I work four ten hour shifts a week), and have moved on to now taking ownership of my drive to work. Within this ‘taking ownership’ what I do is really look at and investigate what is going on within myself during that time. I look at it, face it, and script out a way to change it, and then I apply myself to live out that new script, and I do it over and over again until the new script simply becomes who I am  and what I do.  The new script I write for myself obviously does not involve skin-picking or OCD behavior, and it goes a step further to include self-supportive activities which over time, lead to a strengthening of self, and a nurturing and honouring of self. I will expand upon this in blogs to come, and reveal in these videos:

OCD and CSP- Physical Support

Deprogramming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder  

I’ve noticed that while driving in my car to work, regardless of what time it is, I will become anxious about getting to work on time. I have been late to work SO MANY times because of OCD and skin-picking, because I would become trapped within a skin picking session up till the last minute, and then I would have to hurriedly apply make-up to look ‘normal’ again for work. Throughout this entire play-out I would be building and generating anxiety until I was tightly wound up; and this would be the starting point of my day. This has happened so many times over the years that I find, even when I am not late I  will automatically go into this anxiety before work as a habit because it’s what I’m so used to. It’s become all that I know. I feel as though, if I do not go through these motions I will not be able to get to work at all, because in the past, it has been the anxiety of getting to work that has broken me out of the skin-picking possession and got me moving towards actually getting out the door. So now there exists the belief that without the anxiety, I cannot move myself, and I won’t get to work.

Continuing with this common sequence: after I would get myself out the door and off to work, I would be in a really unpleasant state. I would get to work, and would probably have an air about me, or a presence about me that others may react to. Whether I did or not, I can never be sure, but what is certain, is the fat that because I felt so anxious already, and because I would also feel insecure due to the fact that my picture presentation was covered in flaws, and because I created and manifested the anger at myself, the fear, the self-loathing caused by picking, I would reflect it back to myself off of my coworkers.

For example: the other day I got to work, and as I was walking by a couple co-workers I said “good morning”. One of them looked at me and replied, but the other one just looked at me and turned away and began talking again. As I continued walking to put my coat away I remember this having given me a really bad feeling, I felt like they disliked me, did don’t want me there, and painfully endured my presence.

So the interesting thing about this is that these thoughts or emotions can only be experienced by me if I created them already- somewhere in my life I accepted and allowed myself to feel these ways about myself, ways which are now activated within and through certain situations. So, within self-honesty I can see, realize and understand that I in fact painfully endure my own presence at times, especially within and as OCD. I dislike myself when I participate in the self-abusive habits that I participate in. I in fact don’t want to be me when I feel the way I do after I have had a pick session, for example.

I thought about this that day, and I tried something new to see if they were in fact feeling this way about me, or if I was simply creating it all in my mind. I walked back over there and asked how they were doing, and the other one ignored me again. So I pushed through the fear, self-consciousness and anger, looked straight at her and asked if something was wrong. This seemed to surprise her or catch her off guard, she sort of snapped out of it and apologized. She actually reached out and touched my arm, and participated in a very warm and welcoming interaction.

As it turned out, she was dealing with an extremely stressful situation within one of her work-cases, and she was trying to figure it out with the other co-worker. She was just completely wrapped up in it, and had probably worked herself up into a state where she was so self-involved in her own situation that she was not concerned or aware of the impression she was giving off to others- which is the exact same way that I become. So when I pushed it a little by asking her if anything was wrong, I learned it had nothing to do with me at all. I had just been taking everything personally, and consequently feeding my own cycles of self-loathing, insecurity and lack of self-acceptance.

Within the state of mind I enter into within and through the disorder of OCD, I become even more prone to these self-experiences, by taking so many things throughout my day personally because I set myself up to already feel this way: so a glance, a comment, my own internal conversations, etc…  using all of this to accept and allow myself to feel terrible; creating and manifesting an absolutely dreadful internal experience, and then getting home to abuse myself within OCD as a release and escape from it, only to start the whole cycle over again- waking up the next morning and not wanting to face the day ahead. Reluctant to get out of bed, and feeling fatigued on my drive to work because of this absolute reluctance and the anxiety that I create for myself—I mean, is this living? Or is this simply enduring the day? Within and through OCD, I create a life which that I can’t endure and which I would rather escape.

So how does all this relate back to makeup? I will expand upon these realizations and how they relate to the act of covering up with makeup, and explain how makeup/cover up/concealer can actually be used as self-support, in conjunction with sorting out the internal experience. Because recall- it’s never really about what we do, but rather, Who We Are Within that which we do.

To be continued in my next blog…

To learn these self-supportive writing tools for yourself visit: DIP LITE- a free course where you will learn to create a platform of self-support to be able to face yourself in forgiveness and acceptance, and recreate yourself through your own self-realization, in a way that honours you and supports yourself to Live a Life worth Living fo

Day 163- OCD: The Guilt (pt 4)

Within this blog I am continuing working through the point of guilt within OCD, wherein not only am I placing myself as less important and less valued than the disorder, but I am also placing those in my world as second to my disorder.

Continued from:

Day 160- OCD: The Guilt

DAY 161- OCD: The Guilt (pt 2)

Day 162- OCD: The Guilt (pt 3)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap myself into and as a disorder that takes my time/focus/investment of myself into and as energy which leads to events and play-outs in my life such as being late and thus making others wait, being frustrated and angry with myself and projecting it on to others, being/becoming quiet and subdued and not opening up/explaining why but instead creating a difficult environment of ‘uncertainty’ and friction for those around me, and instead of facing myself and opening up/letting others in, I would retract within myself and want to disappear and not have to face myself and face others as me and thus not take any responsibility for that which I am creating, but instead try to escape it and then react to it within more anger towards myself, more frustration with myself and my environment, more isolation within myself, and more guilt and regret suppressed within me.

I commit myself to walk myself into and as self-acceptance when I am around others, because I see, realize and understand that the way I feel around others is merely a reflection of the way I feel about myself, only that it’s suppressed when I’m alone, and it is shown to me when I am around others, because when I’m around others, I have beings around that I project myself onto, and to have backchats and internal conversations about, which is all going on within my own mind only, and has nothing to do with anyone but myself.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my reactions emotions ideas  and beliefs, wherein, instead of accepting and allowing them  to influence me, I let them go, and I breathe myself back Here, especially around others, which I am grateful for because it shows me where I am still not accepting myself, and where and how I can gift myself back to myself in self-acceptance.

I commit myself to let other in to me or to let myself out to them, without fear or defensiveness or self-consciousness or worry, just to freely express myself as who and what I am at this point, flaws and all. Fearlessly.

When and as I am around others and I begin to feel the anger and frustration arise within myself, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-acceptance by reminding myself that, although I still fuck up, and I still have a disorder, and I still repeat abusive and destructive patterns and habits, that reacting to this is only adding fuel to the fire, and that the most supportive thing I can do for myself in that moment, is to just breathe, and let go. Just Stop, and Change. In that moment I have the power to do so, and because I have decided to support myself to live life for real, it only makes sense to do that which supports me in moments like these, instead of going down the same old path of anger, frustration, hate, loathing and fear, perpetuating all of these things instead of living a life of uninhibited self-expression.

When and as I see that I am retracting within myself when I am around others, because of and due to the way I feel others see me because of the damage I have inflicted upon myself and my own skin, I stop, and I breathe. I slam the doors shut to my mind and I force myself to remain in the physical, exposed for all to see. And I stand and prove to myself that I am no less than my own image of myself, that I can stand and walk within stability no matter how I look, and that after I expose myself,  I remain, and I’m still here to continue walking as I build my strength, my self-will and my resolve.

 Self-Study with support, learn to respect you and others, learn how to stop mind chatter, learn how to forgive so effectively that you actually change forever, learn how to stop and change the automatic thoughts that run your life --Sign up for the free course at this link: DIPLITE, dare yourself to look at what you create within.

 

Day 162- OCD: The Guilt (pt 3)

Within this blog I am continuing workin through the point of guilt within OCD, wherein not only am I placing myself as less important and less valued than the disorder, but I am also placing those in my world as second to my disorder.

"I constantly and consistently choose OCD over real Life and Actual Living, where Life is defined as living within and as self-direction in every moment, living in presence and awareness, constantly improving, perfecting, honing, mastering, supporting oneself within and as every breath, supporting others as self, equal and one. Not living within and as guilt, regret, suppression and fear, addiction, disorder and obsessive compulsion."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect to realize and understand that within investing myself into and as OCD, CSP by investing my time, and myself as energy as reactions, thoughts, feelings and emotions, I am allowing energy  over time to slowly utilize my finite physical resource instead of utilizing that resource for actual living, to be and become relevant, and to be the source of solution instead of the source of the problem/disorder that I am.

I commit myself to value and invest the time and physical resources that I DO have, into the substantial investment of myself as Life

I commit myself to take myself BACK from the disorder that I am, and to create myself anew by pushing myself, over and over, until I get it, bit by bit, until I AM.

When and I as I see that I am in a moment of poorly invested time as energy as the disorder I find myself existing as and within, I stop, and I breathe, and I face it, without fear or hesitation, I stop, and I choose my investment as myself as life, and nothing can be so terrible and so bad and unendurable to make me decide otherwise. In the end, there is no choice.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within and as guilt to the fact that I have invested myself into and as a disorder that gives me apparent ‘release’ from the inner pressure I myself had created, thus misplacing value away from everyone and everything around me, and placing myself as ‘who I am as OCD’ as my number one priority, while suppressing my self-expression and my potential of equal and one living.

 I commit myself to continue stopping any and all reactions as separation, as if the disorder were something separate from myself that I can look at and react ot and judge as a separate entity. It is not, it is not something “I have”, it is something ‘I am’, something I have accepted and allowed in unawareness, it is something I used to cope because I didn’t understand how to deal with the overwhelming feelings and emotions I would experience. But it doesn’t take away my responsibility, because I created it, only I can un-do it, delete it, release it, stop it, push through it, and re-create myself as self-support, self-love, self-acceptance, self-honour, self-will, self-honest and self-direction.

When and as I see that I am going into guilt because of and due to the fact that I have valued the disorder over myself and others, and over Life and real living, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-honesty by reminding myself that the guilt is only self-manipulation that further entrenches me into the disorder. Guilt only fuels the internal storm that leads me to pick instead of me leading myself to self-support. I bring myself back to self-direction by stopping the guilt in one moment and not accepting or allowing myself to participate in and perpetuate it in any way whatsoever, and I direct myself to see, realize and understand that the instant cure for guilt is to take myself back in that moment, to pick myself up and push myself back to this process and back to reality.

This blog is continued from:

Day 143- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face
Day 144- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 2)
Day 145- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 3)
Day 146- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 4)
Day 147- The Comfort and Security of OCD
Day 149- OCD: It Doesn't Matter, If No One Knows
Day 150- OCD and Distorting Reality Day 151- OCDas Dermatillomania: Delusional Mind Day 152- TheFear of Not Having OCD
Day 153- When OCD Prevents Life
Day 154- Dermatillomania: SecretlyOut of Control
Day 155- I Have OCD Day 156- OCD: It Makes You Super-Human, 'Unstoppable' Day 157- OCD:Practical Cessation Day 158- OCD: The Inner Time Bomb

Day  159- Dermatillomania: Diffusing the Time Bomb  

Day 160- OCD: The Guilt

DAY 161- OCD: The Guilt (pt 2)

Self-Study with support, learn to respect you and others, learn how to stop mind chatter, learn how to forgive so effectively that you actually change forever, learn how to stop and change the automatic thoughts that run your life --Sign up for the free course at this link: DIPLITE, dare yourself to look at what you create within.

DAY 161- OCD: The Guilt (pt 2)

Within this blog I am having a closer look at an aspect of the guilt associated with OCD, OCD behaviours and outflows, and this includes and is mainly a result of CSP. Within my last blog I identified this guilt. Now I am going to work through it, starting with where it stems from, which is the fact that I constantly and consistently choose OCD over real Life and Actual Living, where Life is defined as living within and as self-direction in every moment, living in presence and awareness, constantly improving, perfecting, honing, mastering, supporting oneself within and as every breath, supporting others as self, equal and one. Not living within and as guilt, regret, suppression and fear, addiction, disorder and obsessive compulsion.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pay the most attention to, and thus, place the most value upon OCD and OCD behaviours and outflows, instead of valuing myself as that of me which is or can be real/life/living/principled living based on what is best for all, equal and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pay the most attention to OCD/OCD behavior/OCD outflows, thus investing myself into and as the disorder, and thus feeding and growing the disorder, developing myself within and as a disorder instead of investing myself into that which supports me, that which is best for me, and that which will allow me to contribute to all as me.

 

I commit myself to teach myself/train myself/walk myself through self-change from valuing myself as OCD within and as self interest and escape, to taking self-responsibility to create actual living value, within the realizations that LIFE is the only real value, and anything else leads to self-enslavement to the mind.

 

When and as I see myself investing myself into and as OCD/OCD behavior/outflows/consequences, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself of what exactly I’m giving up: everything for nothing. I immediately stop this investment and instead direct myself to change my self-investment to something practical, done in awareness, no matter how hard it seems or how bad it feels, I FORCE myself to walk through it and change to become the living realization that the only worthwhile investment is Life, and OCD is Not Life, and it is Not Living.

I commit myself to invest myself fully into Life, and only Life, not the robotic pre-programmed time-wasting autopilot, habit cycling, pattern play-out that I had been living thus far.

When and asI see that I am investing myself as my time/energy/thoughts/feeling/emotions/reactions/ideas/beliefs into and as OCD, OCD behavior, and OCD outflows or consequences, I stop, and I breathe. I immediately remind myself to stop, and to decide in that moment to change my self-investment into something that honours me and something worthwhile, I breathe through the reactions to stopping which I know I can expect in waves, which slowly diminish over time, and I move from this point into and as a new direction for myself, which is not the comfortable old road, but the new, unexplored road which will feel scary, unfamiliar, empty, lost and hollow.

Day 143- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face
Day 144- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 2)
Day 145- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 3)
Day 146- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 4)
Day 147- The Comfort and Security of OCD
Day 149- OCD: It Doesn't Matter, If No One Knows
Day 150- OCD and Distorting Reality

Day 151- OCD as Dermatillomania: Delusional Mind

Day 152- TheFear of Not Having OCD
Day 153- When OCD Prevents Life
Day 154- Dermatillomania: SecretlyOut of Control
Day 155- I Have OCD Day 156- OCD: It Makes You Super-Human, 'Unstoppable'

Day 157- OCD:Practical Cessation Day 158- OCD: The Inner Time Bomb

Day  159- Dermatillomania: Diffusing the Time Bomb 

Day 160- OCD: The Guilt

 

Self-Study with support, learn to respect you and others, learn how to stop mind chatter, learn how to forgive so effectively that you actually change forever, learn how to stop and change the automatic thoughts that run your life --Sign up for the free course at this link: DIPLITE, dare yourself to look at what you create within.

 

Day 160- OCD: The Guilt

There is a lot of guilt associated with OCD, and tonight I will be looking into the point of guilt in relation to the lack of focus and attention that is given to the surrounding environment, because the focus and attention is instead being paid to the disorder, the ‘mind-state’ of the disorder. Because of and due to this, there is a lack of attention and focus that is given to the surrounding environment, there is less value placed upon it. As they say, you give value to that which you give attention. So, the value is placed squarely on the disorder, and everything else plays second fiddle. At a glance, I might be inclined to say the guilt stems from  neglect, but within digging a little deeper one sees- it is an entire devaluation of everyone and everything  for the sake of the disorder, and then covering up that truth with layers and layers of other emotions and feelings. But really- the most important thing is the disorder. That is what gets the most attention, the most time and dedication, the most focus and growth. So, in this way, the disorder becomes that which is valued, in a bizarre and twisted way, above and beyond anything and anyone else; and the guilt comes from the fear of anyone ever finding this out.

 

Day 143- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face
Day 144- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 2)
Day 145- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 3)
Day 146- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 4)
Day 147- The Comfort and Security of OCD
Day 149- OCD: It Doesn't Matter, If No One Knows
Day 150- OCD and Distorting Reality                                                                                        Day 151- OCDas Dermatillomania: Delusional Mind                                                                        Day 152- TheFear of Not Having OCD
Day 153- When OCD Prevents Life
Day 154- Dermatillomania: SecretlyOut of Control
Day 155- I Have OCD                                                                                                                Day 156- OCD: It Makes You Super-Human, 'Unstoppable'                                                      Day 157- OCD:Practical Cessation                                                                                      Day 158- OCD: The Inner Time Bomb                                                                                Day 159- Dermatillomania: Diffusing the Time Bomb

 

Self-Study with support, learn to respect you and others, learn how to stop mind chatter, learn how to forgive so effectively that you actually change forever, learn how to stop and change the automatic thoughts that run your life --Sign up for the free course at this link: DIPLITE, dare yourself to look at what you create within.

Day 159- Dermatillomania: Diffusing the Time Bomb

Within this blog I will be answering the questions I asked in my last blog: Day 158- OCD: The Inner Time Bomb. I had received much support from a recent video, after which I realized/was shown/began to understand that the compulsive skin-picking (CSP) is a focused, intensive, all-consuming activity/distraction/form of entertainment in which I lose myself so completely, that I am able to drown out and escape my undirected internal experience, ie: the bad feelings inside that I want to escape from. So, the obvious thing to do now would be to understand and direct the internal experience. This is really the basic principle of this entire process, but at the same time, it’s completely new, because I hadn’t looked at it in this way or from this angle before.

 

I have generally looked at this from internal experiences such as anxiety/anger/fear pushing into csp, but now I’m looking at it form a slightly different angle: that of csp taking me away from the ‘storm’ of internal energies, into a ‘safe harbour’ of silence and stillness. But it is actually quite deceptive, because that silence and stillness is not innocent- it feeds the ‘storm’, it enables the storm, like a crocodile smile, it leads me in and then eats me alive. Recalling of course, ‘it’ is me, and not something separate from myself. It is not an outside force that I can blame or become angry at, because if I do, that blame and anger create the winds and waves of the internal storm. It just makes the entire situation worse. So there is then this helplessness because I am so used to something outside of myself being the ‘problem’ or the ‘solution.’ But in this instance, nothing and no one is able to do anything for me, because it is my creation. It must be done by myself. I will take all the support I can get, but no one can do it for me.
 

Simplistically, this is a matter of slowing down and observing my internal environment in order to determine what feelings, emotions, thoughts, ideas, beliefs, etc, do I create within mself, that I would then seek to escapte through picking? I would like to ba able to label and understand these internal experiences, in order that I may direct these energies towards actual living. Rather than letting them take me over and then 'exploding' into an all-out full-on possession where I have lost control, and then do things like pick my skin for relief/release, or work mself up into and OCD cycle; If I can understand and direct these energies, I can then look at how I created them, and walk the time-line back to their origin, in order that I may stop repeating this cycle, and script out a new way of living, where the behaviour is actually self-supportive.

This brings me back to my original question from my last blog entry:  “what am I generating within myself, and how exactly am I doing it?”

I understand that this answer will be multitudinous and multifaceted, so I’m just going to start somewhere. Today, the primary internal experience that was driving me to want to escape myself and my experience was ‘impatience.’ I would feel it in waves passing over me, it felt unbearable, as if I were stuck in  one place with no abilty to move myself. It also made me feel constantly rushed/rushing, with a stress or anxiousness always present. Within this, I see that 'I' wa not present, and all the tasks I participated in within this state, were not accomplished as well as they could have been, becauseI was merely 'going through the motions', trying to get through them/get them done as quickly as possible.

IUsing the tool of self-forgiveness, I will look a little more closely at the experience of impatience in order to determine how/why I create it:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become ‘impatient’ within myself, as myself, throughout my day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘impatience’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest ‘impatience’ connected to events and tasks that I have to get through and accomplish throughout the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ‘impatient’ with myself when I think/believe/perceive that I am unable to move myself as quickly/easily/effortlessly as I am able to move myself in my mind.

I commit myself to be/become aware of every single part of the tasks at hand wherein every part/movement/step/progress is deliberate and known, so that every part/step/breath/progress/movement can be tested and improved, wherein I test all possibilities and keep only that which works well, and in this seemingly painfully slow process I see/realize/understand: over time I would become more quick/efficient/effective.

When and as I see that I’m growing unbearably impatient within a task, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that if I stop feeling impatient, it’s not going to ruin everything, meaning, if I stop myself from being impatient by taking a breath and just slowing down: I will still get it done, and so I stop, I breathe, I let the wave pass, and I realize: I am still Here, and I continue the task within constantly bringing myself back to awareness, continuously bringing my focus back on to myself as who I am within doing the task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to plan out my day in m mind in such a way that it would be humanly impossible to accomplish everything, wherein I become overwhelmed and end up doing less than I am able, and then become ‘impatient’ with myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become ‘impatient’ with myself, instead of patiently directing myself to gently push myself throughout the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to set up unrealistic expectations for myself which are daunting and cruel, instead of honouring myself with the patience that I will require to slowly learn how to change and live in a way that is self-supportive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to get through tasks as fast as possible in order to ‘get everything done’ and ‘be done with it’ in an attempt to gain that elusive experience of ‘accomplishment’/’doneness’ at the end of the day, but because I have unrealistic standards, while at the same time: I pile on more and more tasks/chores/responsibilities, and so I become impatient while doing them, because I begin to see that I will never have time for it all.

I commit myself to replace the pursuit of the experience of accomplishment with the practice of patience before and during my participation in tasks.

When and as I see that I am seeking to attain the experience of accomplishment by piling on more and more tasks/jobs/chores/responsibilities, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-patience by realizing and understanding that following my mind in the pursuit of experience in this way is only punishing myself, and then punishing myself further by then becoming impatient with myself, when that self that I am really punishing through my participation in this energy, is the part of me that has only ever supported me to be Here. Therefore, I direct myself to unconditional self-patience, within the commitment to self-honesty and change, wherein I balance self-patience with self-diligence

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by piling on more and more tasks/chores/jobs/responsibilities within the thought, idea, perception or belief that the more I do, the more accomplished I will feel, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that actual real accomplishment, comes from doing tasks/jobs/chores/responsibilities well, in presence and awareness wherein I am constantly open to learn how to do it better and more consistently through actual practice and application, proving it to myself over time, instead of thinking it up in one moment, and then becoming ‘impatient’ with myself for not already ‘being that’ or ‘being there’.

I commit myself to be/become, give/gift myself patience, through slowing down, being and becoming more realistic with the tasks I have in mind (and not getting all OCD about them with piling on more and more stuff to do).

When and as I see that I am becoming impatient with myself because of and due to the fact that I have created an undoable amount of things to do, and because I’m not flying through them like some superwoman that I am able to be in my mind, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness and back to breathe by reminding myself that there is time each day for me to practice and apply myself towards tasks, and I patiently push myself to look at the task that I am doing, and making sure, with absolute certainty and self-honesty, that I am doing it in a practical and efficient way.

When and as I see that I am growing impatient with myself while performing/doing/working at a task, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back Here within the realization that I am separating myself from myself by projecting myself into an imagined future, and then comparing my current position with the imagined position, and becoming impatient, when in reality, I am simply Here, able to one thing at a time, one breath at a time.

Day 143- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face
Day 144- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 2)
Day 145- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 3)
Day 146- Dermatillomania: Staring the Beast in the Face (pt 4)
Day 147- The Comfort and Security of OCD
Day 149- OCD: It Doesn't Matter, If No One Knows
Day 150- OCD and Distorting Reality

Day 151- OCDas Dermatillomania: Delusional Mind Day 152- TheFear of Not Having OCD
Day 153- When OCD Prevents Life
Day 154- Dermatillomania: SecretlyOut of Control
Day 155- I Have OCD

 Day 156- OCD: It Makes You Super-Human, 'Unstoppable'Day

157- OCD:Practical Cessation

Day 158- OCD: The Inner Time Bomb

 

Self-Study with support, learn to respect you and others, learn how to stop mind chatter, learn how to forgive so effectively that you actually change forever, learn how to stop and change the automatic thoughts that run your life --Sign up for the free course at this link: DIPLITE, dare yourself to look at what you create within.