Sunday, February 3, 2013

Day 154- Dermatillomania: Secretly Out of Control

This blog is continued from:

Within this blog I am writing out a recent experience.

Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that if I stop picking my skin, my skin will somehow go out of control so that within this, I create and manifest a constant ‘need’ to skin-pick in order to ‘keep everything in order’ in terms of my appearance, the appearance of my skin, and my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I am keeping anything in order by picking my skin, and I accept and allow myself to see, realize and understand that I actually create dis-order in my life and world by constantly feeding this disorder, and so the fear of dis-order fuels the disorder and thus fuels the dis-order instead of stopping, and created real order by walking myself towards self-supportive living by understanding how I created the disorder, thus making it orderly and manageable, because then I will have all the answers, the seeing, the realizing, and the understanding, thus walking this process as a realization and a decision, rather than a fight of=r a battle. Because a fight or a battle implies two sides, or a split within one being. Instead I become one with the disorder through living it and being aware of it, standing up from within and as it in order to stop as it through a process of forgiveness, which bring understanding, which allows for self-correction, and eventual change. This does not involve a forcing, a suppressing, or a conquering per se, but a being and becoming of the living realization that I have the choice, and I decide, not my disorder, ME.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that if I stop myself from compulsively picking at my skin before I am ‘done’, that I am leaving something unfinished and out of control, and that I can only stop when I’m done because then the process is ‘complete’ and everything is ‘in order’ again, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have never even taken a moment to investigate what is actually occurring when I consider myself to be ‘done’,  or why I then feel ‘completed’ and everything back ‘in order’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only feel that the process is done when I have experienced some kind of elusive relief within me, wherein, the pursuit of this release is absolutely overtaking me, and has got complete control over my own directive principle, wherein I am placed in the background, and this want/need/desire takes complete control  and makes me feel ‘stuck’ within it, because of the thought/perception/belief that if I stop, and unstick myself, I will experience a terrible feeling of withdrawal, and then everything will spiral out of control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT see, realize and understand that I am in fact spriraling out of control when I succumb to skin picking, because Who I AM takes a back seat, and the disorder takes over completely, proving to myself that I am in fact out of control, which is what I fear, and which is what I ‘m attempting to change through skin picking, when actually I am exactly creating myself as ‘out of control’ in my life and world.
More to come....

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