Within OCD, there are many vicious cycles. The vicious cycle is one that self-perpetuates, where one action feeds the next, and the next, and then it loops around back to the first, like a snake eating its tail. Within OCD, some cycles are quick ups and downs, highs and lows, or lows and lowers. I’ve also noticed is a longer cycle which over-arches the others. It is a slow decent towards a fall, a giving up or giving in, or towards varying degrees of rock bottom. Rock bottom is a place of consequence. It is the outflow or result of actions which one had accepted and allowed oneself to participate within and as, which one usually already knew would be consequential, yet did not practice prevention.
Dealing with consequences and picking oneself up from a point
of consequence is not easy, and I find it necessary to be clear on one’s
starting point when directing oneself out of consequence and back into a
standing, self-directed living. The starting point that I have stood from in
the past has been one of guilt, polarity and regret for what I had done, and
that which I accepted and allowed within myself. This does not create a stable foundation
from which to build, but rather creates self-judgment, and thus things like self-hate and other
forms of self-compromise, which are only ever self-sabotage, and will therefore
always be followed by another fall. The only starting point that will stand the
test of time is one based in the principle of equality and oneness as what’s best
for all. So I have to ask myself: Am I contributing to this life to my fullest
potential when I have OCD? No, because I spend an incredible amount of time
dealing with the disorder in one way or another, which is an incredible amount of
time focused only on myself. Am I equal and one? No, because the disorder has
directive over me, thus I have separated myself in so many ways, including
myself as the disorder, and myself as the sufferer of the disorder. I am not
equal to myself as the disorder; I have accepted and allowed the disorder to
become greater than my self-directive principle.
Herein, I continue getting to know myself as
OCD/dermatillomania, because I cannot be equal to that which I do not
understand. I am looking specifically at the above mentioned cycle: the rise
from the rock-bottom experience of manifested consequence: I always rise from
rock-bottom, if for no other reason than a lack of alternatives. It is
necessary for me to clear my starting point within this inevitable and predictable
cycle, so that I can continue working towards a permanent solution for myself,
to be able to live and express as ME, and not an endlessly limited version of
myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give
myself slack and loosen my grip on the reigns in my life when and as I am on
the upside of the cycle of OCD.
I forgive myself for
not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand
that the strength I feel that comes in cycles is not necessarily something
I actually directed myself to, but rather simply the upside of a cycle within
which I would have experienced the down
side of the ‘low’ just before, with the rise being mostly only an
inevitability for one that has not given up completely, thus making the
disorder at times bearable enough to not have to really face changing/stopping
for real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste
any real and actual progress I may have made in pushing myself to stop and
change, by taking slack at the most important moment, the actual
moment/opportunity where real change is possible, by giving in and becoming
aloof in that moment, showing that I still fear to really stop and change, and
I still have not made the genuine decision to do so, and I am still enslaved or
a prisoner to my accepted and allowed way of living, which is a way that is
less than who I am or what I have the potential to be, and a way that actually
includes self-destructive elements.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear
change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to
not have OCD as an outlet/escape/distraction/reaction/energy generator.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create
and manifest a positive energetic charge in relation to the upside of the
repeating cycle I experience within/as OCD, and I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to then fear to lose this positive experience, thus
self-creating the conditions for myself to fear to change.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slacken
up and let myself slide within the disorder when I am on the upside of the
cycle because I ‘feel’ strong, and I ‘feel’ like I can let myself slip ‘just a
little bit’, within the belief that I will bounce back easily, when inevitably
and predictably, the slippery slope becomes an unmanageable force and I fall
back to square one.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to
push through and persevere most when it counts most, which is when I feel I
need it the least, when my guards are down, and when I am is a ‘positive’
energy that I fear to lose.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to pick myself up out of guit, regret and a lack of alternatives, rather than a self-directed standing up.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand from an unstable starting point, despite the fact tha tI already know where it is going to lead: to another fall.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to spite myself by continuing to pick myself up without forst clearing my starting point
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fear to clear my sterting point because I know that it will leave no more room for excuses and I wont be able to justify my slips down the slippery slope towards an all-out fall.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to time-loop over and over again, allowing for discouragement, self-questioning and a diminished sense of self-trust.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to pick myself up out of guit, regret and a lack of alternatives, rather than a self-directed standing up.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stand from an unstable starting point, despite the fact tha tI already know where it is going to lead: to another fall.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to spite myself by continuing to pick myself up without forst clearing my starting point
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to fear to clear my sterting point because I know that it will leave no more room for excuses and I wont be able to justify my slips down the slippery slope towards an all-out fall.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to time-loop over and over again, allowing for discouragement, self-questioning and a diminished sense of self-trust.
To be continued…
Continued from:
Day
169- Dermatillomania: The Fear of Being Ugly
Day 170- CSP: The Fear of Being Ugly (pt 2)
Day 171-CSP: The Fear of Being Ugly (pt 3)
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