I
recently had a good cry. I was opening up to Sunette Spies about my
appreciation for her and the process she has walked in her life, and I suddenly
became teary. I realized why and I will explain that point later, but what
struck me in that moment was how it affected me that someone else was seeing me
cry. In that moment, I felt like I wanted to hide it, suppress it, and just try
to stop and put on a brave face.
When
I saw I could not stop it and it had to come out, I wanted to go back to my
room and cry in private. But no such luck here at the Desteni farm – this is
communal living, and my room is in a house with 7 other people – people that
truly care and will go out of their way to ask me what’s wrong, and then open
up the point with me until I am satisfied that I see and understand it – unless
of course I ask for my space, which I did not.
I
did not ask for space precisely because I wanted to challenge this point of
being embarrassed about crying in front of others. Leila came in to my room to
give me my phone, saw I was crying and asked what was going on. I told her what
happened and what I had opened up in the moment with Sunette. I also told her I
felt embarrassed about crying, and within myself, I could see that I was
feeling a bit out of control due to the emotions welling up and overcoming me,
and I felt exceptionally vulnerable.
I
have been living in this house where Leila’s son Cesar also lives. He is three,
and he immediately expresses everything that comes up in himself without
judgment. I used Cesar as an example for me of how to ‘let it all out’
unconditionally, without judgment.
Soon LJ came in and I talked with him as well. I felt no judgment whatsoever from the
two of them, which made it plain to see that the only judgment I was feeling
was my own. LJ gave me THE most unconditional hug, which was exactly what I needed right then, but which made me want to cry even louder and harder. It brought up this one specific memory from way back, when I was about
three. I was in my dad’s arms and I was crying. I was crying in that way that
children cry, when the sound that comes out is like a deep, guttural sound
coming from the very core of the child. The memory stayed with me because,
although I was upset about something, I remember it feeling good to let it out.,
like it was natural, it was not supposed to be kept in.
I
can see how, over the years, I developed judgments about showing my emotions,
and slowly over time, began to stop myself in moments where I would have
otherwise had a good cry or even a quick cry. It eventually became ‘natural’ for me to suppress
crying – within this, suppressing the reasons for which I wanted to cry,
leaving them unchecked and left to fester deep down inside of me. Soon, I
became comfortable with being uncomfortable, often feeling like I was carrying
around an emotional burden that would just sit there with me and become
triggered in moments, where I would have to push it back down again.
The
last time I can remember ‘letting it all out’ was alone in my room. I had just
come back from my visit to the Desteni farm in 2015, where I had gotten in
touch with myself in ways that I forgot were even possible. When I got home,
what hit me was how much of myself I suppress while living my ‘normal life’ in
the system, at work, and with friends and family. Now, keep in mind that I
liked my ‘normal life’. I thoroughly enjoy my family and friends, this has
nothing to do with them. I simply had been dealing with some patterned
behaviour that I couldn’t see until I took a step out of it within my visit to
the Desteni farm back in 2015.
I
also decided back then to ‘let it all out’ when the realizations came up. I
cried alone in my room, a deep, wailing cry into my pillow. It felt good, but I
did not fully understand or get to the bottom of it. I left it at ‘I have seen
the way things could be’, let it all out, and moved on.
As
adults, there is a certain discernment and stability that we need to maintain,
using common sense and practicality when it comes to ‘expressing everything
that comes up’, or ‘letting it all out’. In this moment recently, however, I
knew I had some deeply suppressed emotions that I could not just talk about and
write out – I had to also physically release it this time, and so I did. But
what I noticed was that I could not completely let go and get to that place
where I just let out completely. There was still some resistance to do so due
to being an adult, in a room with two other adults.
But
that is okay – I will also not judge myself for not being able to ‘go there’
completely. That will also be a process for me to walk as it comes. It will
take time, understanding and patience as I develop the self-trust and resolve
as I prove to myself that it is okay to be vulnerable, it is ok to let go
sometimes. I am learning that letting
go, not being perfect and always in control, and having others see me like
this, does not determine who I am at my core. If anything, I am living my
process of self-change openly, for others to see where my weaknesses are, what
my suppressions are, what I am actively working on.
The
fact that I was doing this with and in front of others also gave me the
opportunity to talk about it as it was happening, sharing real time what
exactly was going on within me.
So, what was the point that I had opened up? It
was in sharing and showing appreciation for someone else, in this case Sunette,
on a deep level, I realized that I had never really taken a moment to show any
appreciation towards myself.
On
the contrary, I have been living my life highlighting my faults and challenging
my weaknesses, creating quite a difficult path for myself while, for the
longest time, not having a proper balance of self-creation, which I eventually started
to focus on to do which began with this recording: Creating Balance while Changing Yourself, which inspired me to begin the process here in this blog:
Letting Goof OCD While Birthing A New Me
I also felt a deep and profound sadness coming up from within me, which showed me that it wasn’t only a lack of appreciation, it was something much deeper. The point was made clear to me in this recording:You'll Never Become What You Don't Recognize Within You and I reveal it in detail in this blog:
Two interviews mentioned:
“While you are in the process of changing an addiction or habitual
pattern, how do you avoid the two common pitfalls of ending up suppressing the
point or becoming obsessed and possessed within it?
How can you establish a balance so that you let go of the old,
while creating the new?
This interview shares practical and creative ways to give yourself
structure as well as freedom when taking on the more challenging and addictive
patterns you want to change.”
"Do the terms self-worth, self-intimacy, and self-value seem like
far away ideas that you are still searching for in your life and yearning to
one day express for yourself?
What if the very things you have been waiting for, yearning for,
and searching for are already within you and all you have to do is to stop the
things that are getting in the way of your real expression?"
Image
source: https://arsalnas.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/ashamed1.jpg
