Day 263 - Learning with Horses at the Desteni Farm and OMG I AM SO PROGRAMMED!

I had an equine therapy session with Sylvia van Overschot yesterday, where I was instructed to do a number of tasks with a horse of my choosing. After each task we would discuss the ups and downs, triumphs and difficulties, and then I was asked to relate how I handled the situations with the horse to my daily life outside the training ring. Joealso joined us to see how these sessions work, and it was interesting for me to go first, and then to observe someone else to see how they handle a similar situation. 

 

Going through the experience first-hand, then watching Joe do it, combined with the Destonians.com group chat about ‘control’ led by Gian, all together opened up some deeper layers of myself and how I function that was very cool for me to see.

You may have had this experience yourself, where your mind shifts to ‘school-mode’, meaning, you are now in a situation where you are being instructed, and people are watching, almost like you are performing. I call this school-mode because for me, when I am in such situations it triggers memories of being in school, where I was reprimanded or disciplined in front of others, and without the emotional tools to deal with it in a constructive way, it left me feeling bad, wrong and ‘not good enough’, instead of opening my eyes to the learning experience taking place.

Over the years, and like many students, I developed coping mechanisms to deal with these situations, where, instead of learning the skill and exploring myself within the mistakes, I learned how to be as ‘perfect’ as possible, avoiding mistakes at all costs, and moulding and manipulating myself like clay to fit the exact shape that I thought was expected of me. My internal experience during this process is usually nervousness, petrification to make a mistake, and fear of embarrassment. It’s almost like MKUltra programming, where a certain environment or set-up will trigger this ‘coping’ and ‘surviving’ character automatically without me having made the conscious decision to bring these aspects of myself out. This is a life-mission for me, to identify my own programming and correct it, so that I no longer feel like an expressive, inquisitive, adventurous person who, in moments (many many moments throughout each day) becomes trapped within my own body, where so many of my awesome qualities get pushed down and hidden, and this automatron version of myself emerges to take over to handle and cope with emotionally intense situations. 

Now, this may be surprising to hear about how much I was actually reacting inside myself, because I was with people that I was comfortable with, people that have a proven track record of supporting me quite unconditionally. I was in a familiar space and working with horses that I have spent time with every day for the past year. I realize that it is different for everyone, but because of the intensity of the memories from my past, this particular programming was very well ingrained into me, where the ‘coping’ character comes up and out more easily and naturally than the inquisitive, expressive, adventurous parts of myself that I had locked down due to fear of making a mistake. And when I do push to bring up different expressions of myself, I feel exceptionally vulnerable, exposed and terrified, as if I was being marched naked down the public streets and being shamed by the crowds – which is exactly how I felt as a young child being reprimanded in front of the classroom – having past experiences coming into the present moments and haunting me to this day.

Luckily I have the tools to release myself from this past, and to develop those qualities that I DO have in me, but have just been neglected and under-developed. 

But first, see how these memories played out in my present moment: I walked through the tasks with the horse, where I was to direct the horse in some circles, and then lead him to a specific location. The horse thought it was lunch time, and kept going into his stable expecting to be fed. I chose to use the harness to direct the horse. Within these exercises I realized it was cool to let go of my desire to be able to direct the horse without a harness, and use the harness as support because I simply don’t have that relationship of trust yet developed with the horse. But the thing is, when the horse would want to go a different way, I would feel nervous, helpless and powerless, and would depend on the harness to basically control the horse, gently of course, but it did not feel like a ‘working together’, but rather a force and control. 

However, what I did in that moment was think to myself: mission complete! The horse did what I wanted and I said all the right things, I did it perfectly! Golden star please! 

The realizations I had about controlling and forcing only came after, when I was watching Joe do his session. He chose not to use the harness, and was able to successfully walk his horse in the circles. Then, he was supposed to lead the horse into a circle of ropes on the ground representing his ‘personal space’. Again, not using the harness, Joe tried to direct his horse, but the horse would not leave the stable. “FAIL” was my initial reaction! But then Joe explained his process, where he saw the horse’s stable as the horse’s ‘personal space’, and that he did not want Joe in there, and did not want to leave his stable. Joe said that he could accept that, and walked away. He did not force, he did not control. 

My mind was like “No! That is not the rules of engagement here, you were supposed to get the horse out!” As if Joe had broken the rules lol! But in that moment, I did not follow these thoughts and backchat, but rather asked myself: What can I learn here? I realized that I actually admired the fact that Joe did not follow the rules, in fact, part of the introduction to the session was that WE were the boss, and could determine what the rules were. But because I had shifted into ‘school-mode’, I became an instant rule follower, and did not give myself any room to explore things like, did I really take the time to connect to and consider the horse, or consider who I am with the horse? The truth is, I didn’t. And so any authority, connection, cooperation I had developed with this horse over the past year was basically thrown out the window. In other words, because of my fear of making a mistake, I threw away any real connection and cooperation I had developed with the horse in the past, and instead went into controlling the horse to do what I wanted'.

Immediately, I wanted to go back and do it over, now with my new understanding, but I realized that would still be falling into the same pattern of ‘doing it right’, ‘doing it properly’ instead of just doing it as who I am in that moment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that mistakes are bad, wrong and shameful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the fear of making mistakes, which exists only in my mind, above the REAL connection I have created and can continue to create with those around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the memory of my school years, where I was reprimanded in front of the class for making mistakes, by reacting to these memories and trying to prevent any similar situation from ever happening again, instead of gracefully making mistakes, walking through that fear, and realizing that on the other side of that fear is learning, expansion and growth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within ‘shame’, ‘not good enough’ and ‘petrification’ when I was reprimanded in front of the class for making mistakes, because I took it personally, as if it was about me as a person, a living being, within the belief that I as a living being requires the validation and approval of the teacher, and the school and the report card to prove my value and worth as a living being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that my value and worth can be determined by anything outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that making a mistake and being reprimanded for it means it’s really very bad, so bad that it means I am not living properly or correctly, and thus I should be yelled at, devalued and disapproved of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly, within myself feel ashamed because I really, truly in fact knew that I could have done better in school, with my schoolwork.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate  within and as self-defeat, where a part of my natural expression was pushed back and defeated due to the intensity of the emotional experience I accepted and allowed in terms of being bad, wrong and not-good-enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the words and tone of the teacher, and believe with everything that I am/was, that it was about me, without seeing, realizing and understanding the stresses of a teacher, the individual life of the teacher, the emotional state of the teacher, and the fact that the frustration and anger she was expressing had less to do with me, and more to do with her, her life, her process, her current reality, and for that, I forgive her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that all the students in the class agreed with my perception that I was bad, wrong, not-good-enough, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it was my own self-belief that I was projecting on to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto the students the ways in which I was feeling about myself, the self-judgment and self-depreciating thoughts, thinking and believing it was coming from or being confirmed by THEM instead of realizing and understanding that they most likely, from a starting point of fearing being in my position, were more reacting within and as survival in a class of competitors/competition, where it would feel good to see someone else reprimanded in front of the class, a relief that it is not you, and knowing that your work will probably be better than the one that got the mistakes, and so you will not be bad, less-than, not-good-enough, which indicates a participation in the exact same programming I was accessing, and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the same when it was ever somebody else getting reprimanded, instead of speaking up for them, emphasizing them, or finding some way within my means to support them, I would instead sit back with a sigh of relief and say “yes, YOU are bad, YOU are not good-enough, YOU are less-than”, because so long as there is somebody in that position, it will not have to be me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that an event, situation or person outside myself can ever touch that part of me that is eternal and unwavering, my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that my self-expression needs to be validated and approved by some outside source in order for me to live it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become self-conscious when I am in a position to explore my self-expression in front of others, wherein I become preoccupied with what they may be thinking, judging, believing and perceiving, because I think and believe that I need their mind’s approval or else I will be making a mistake and will be humiliated, shamed, bad and not good enough.

When and as I see I am fearing making a ‘mistake’ in situations of exploring myself,  my self-expression and/or in a learning process, I stop and I breathe. I bring my focus from self-consciousness to self-connection by stopping my participation in wondering about the thoughts of others, and instead focus on connecting to self and those I am working with.

I commit myself to focus on self-connection and connection to others.

I commit myself to stop valuing what other’s may think of me over the creation of self-connection/connection with others.

I commit myself to NOT prevent myself from making mistakes, but to make mistakes and learn from them.

I commit myself to walk through my fears when I make mistakes, and to realize that on the other side of that fear is learning and growth.

Day 262 - Can You Face the Sadness (part 2)

This blog is in response to: Can You Face the Sadness

Self-Forgiveness Standing as the Owner of Abusive Animal Industries

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create facilities where animals are abused in order to obtain profit and personal gain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself so much so from life, the reality of life on this earth, and other life forms, that I can blind myself to their pain and suffering, and distract, amuse, preoccupy, obsess about, enjoy, worry and stress about money, financial gain, personal wealth, security, self-interest and power as a way to continuously not see, avoid and ignore what it is I am creating for others to endure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify and excuse my acceptance, allowance, enabling and direct creation and participation in the abuse of other life forms, by telling myself that I am doing it for money, for security, to provide for my family, to create jobs, to contribute to the economy, for my country, to feed people, or for any other reason, justification or excuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that because it is not happening directly to me, because I cannot feel it and do not have to look at it, that the abuse I am creating, enabling, accepting and allowing is not affecting me, when in fact it is, either directly or indirectly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that this is just the way the world is, and I do not have the power to change it, so I might as well profit from it like everybody else is, instead of stopping my participation in the current accepted and allowed systems of abuse, and focusing instead on solutions that work for everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think an believe that solutions that are best for all are impossible, because I refuse to look or to see beyond the current reality, and refuse to challenge myself and my way of looking and seeing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to FEAR challenging myself and my way of looking and seeing, because I know that if I do, and if I see solutions, I will then have to apparently give up or ‘lose’ my wealth, my security, my profit, the security I am creating for my family, my power, my prestige, and everything I have worked so hard for and gained through my participation in this industry, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in creating solutions that are best for all, all will benefit, and that includes myself, my family and future generations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and what I look at when it comes to survival in this world, where I think only of myself, my family and those directly in my life, wherein I will do whatever it takes no matter the cost to others, myself or future generations, using the justification, validation and excuse that it is a dog-eat-dog world that exist within and as the principle of ‘survival of the fittest’, and I will make sure that I survive at all costs, instead of seeing ,realizing and understanding how this current reality was created in the first place, and how, within and through my participation in such thoughts, beliefs, perceptions and the actions that come from them, that I am directly and indirectly continuing to create reality in this way, wherein I will be leaving a more insecure reality for my children and future generations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through not seeing the relationship between how I am creating reality and then reacting in fear to that creation, create a repeating cycle that feeds and amplifies itself, wherein our reality will become more and more insecure, as I try and attempt to more and more secure myself and my family, by being and becoming more and more ruthless, which in turn creates a more a more ruthless reality that I am leaving for my children’s children – whom I cannot protect nor secure in the dog-eat-dog world of survival that I am currently contributing to and creating every day. 

Within this:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of stopping my participation in the endless cycles of fear in my mind, actually go mad, become obsessed and possessed by gaining and getting more and more security as more money and more power, in an endless fight to secure myself and my family in a battle to protect them from this world and reality which can never be won, but instead of grounding myself and seeing the common sense, I instead fear, fight, control, manipulate and abuse to appease my fear, my madness, my obsession and my possession.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love, desire, cherish and honour money above life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love, desire, cherish and honour my self interest above all of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to love, desire, cherish and honour my life-style, my comfort zones, my wants/needs/desires and my way of life above all of Life that is Here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive there is no other way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I cannot be or become a seed or an agent of change in my current life situation and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting down those around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that animals do not feel pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that an animals suffering is in any way less painful than my suffering or the suffering of my loved ones.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself torture and abuse parts of myself for the personal ‘gain’ of my desired experience.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see my connectedness and interconnectedness with all of life and everything that is here.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand my responsibility and self-responsibility in my own life and in this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my responsibility to my shareholders above my self-responsibility and my responsibility to all of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place man-made laws above doing what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and perceive that the only way to change is to break laws which would compromise me and so I will not do it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that laws are man-made and thus changeable, and I can be one voice of change, one seed that grows, one point of influence to stand as an example for others for a transformation and change in man-made laws, to be and become laws that honour, cherish, respect and love all of life here within the current limitations of our shared physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed laws that do not honour cherish, respect and show demonstrable, provable love towards all life.

The Factory worker

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically abuse animals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that animals are less than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my anger out on animals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take out my anger, frustration and the abuse that has been done unto me by an abusive system on to the animals at my workplace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my power, physical force and position of power and superiority to abuse beings that are vulnerable, innocent and in an inferior and weaker position than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse beings that are vulnerable, innocent and in an inferior and weaker position than me because they are forced to take it, and so I can see the suffering play out that I am experiencing within myself, because I have become so disempowered within myself to be able to cope with the position I have been placed within, except to take it out on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bigger and more powerful when I abuse another, because I have not seen, realized or understood how small, insignificant and disempowered I actually feel within myself, and due to that lack of self-awareness, I try and attempt to make myself feel better within and through physically playing out acts in which I am apparently proving my power and superiority, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am actually, within myself, confirming the powerlessness and inferiority I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create victims in my life, because I have victimized myself within myself due to my life, the circumstances I was born into, and the systems of abuse within which I exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my self-victimization and disempowerment, continue, create and perpetuate the systems of abuse that we are all to varying degrees subject to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to watch abuse take place around me with a blind eye instead of taking a stand within myself or without, because I fear physical harm or losing my financial security as my paycheck.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed animal abuse at my work place because I fear losing my financial support and thus the financial security of myself and my family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that just because working in an abusive facility is my only viable option to create a life for myself my family, that I am disempowered within myself and can only turn a blind eye and internalize my reactions, instead of taking a stand and finding some way, somehow to do something about it within my means, even if it is something small.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to internalize my reactions from my abusive workplace, and supress the resentment, the anger, the hatred, the guilt, the sorrow, the pain and the remorse, and carry it around with me where it then comes out in unexpected, uncontrolled moments towards myself or others in my world and environment, my husband/wife, my children, my family, my coworkers or others in my world.

The Consumer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain ignorant to the realities of the food industry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consume the flesh of life without absolute gratitude, appreciation, respect, honour and love, but instead eat it within and as anger, fear of weight gain, ignorance, distractedness and robotic detachment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that if I stop eating meat I will make a difference in the lives of the animals that continue to suffer, without addressing the entire system of inequality that causes the industry to exist and be supported in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that eating meat is evil, and that I am not evil because I do not eat meat, when in fact meat can be raised and consumed in a way that honours life, and given that some require to eat meat due to body make-up/genetics/finances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that vegetarianism/veganism is the answer, when in fact an entire network of systems of abuse must be addressed, which is not addressed when we only look to the one dimension of stopping eating meat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that veganism/vegetarianism does not abuse life, when in fact the chemicals and bee-keeping styles required to produce much more than enough for all, end up abusing other lifeforms  as we over-produce food for profit and gain, and that not everyone can support a buy-local, organic diet due to the systems of inequality that exist today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am doing something to make a difference by stopping eating meat, when the corruption that exists everywhere also exist in the large organic and humane-foods industries, because it is existent in human nature, which includes my nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop eating meat, instead of looking within myself at Who I Am and how I approach issues and global problems that must be addressed holistically, which includes equal attention to my own human nature and what I create in my daily participation in my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create friction, division, spite, blame, hatred and resentment by pushing and promoting my view, my opinion and my way of solving the problem, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding the characteristics of human nature that I am playing out in my life that actually contributes to the perpetuation of this system that creates suffering in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and judge factory farmed meat as disgusting, when in fact it is not about the animal or the meat, but what the human has done to the animal and meat, wherein the meat is the direct product of that human intervention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy the cheaper, factory farmed meat when I can in fact afford to support local, humanely raised meat, not to clear my conscience, but to, in awareness, support one part of the solution with eyes wide open to the entire issue, which is existence-wide in terms of our collective human nature of abuse, acceptance and allowance, and seeing my self-responsibility in my own life to explore my own human nature to see where and how I am contributing in my life, my reality, my private moments to myself, within myself, and my interaction with others in my world, to the systems we as humanity have collectively created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to save money out of fear of lack and survival, and in so doing, turning a blind eye to the products I buy, where they come from and why.

For All:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed animal abuse to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn a blind eye to animal abuse all the industries of animal consumption and utilization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I am somehow not responsible for the existence of animal abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow abuse due to my own fear of survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to claim I am too ignorant, too small, too insignificant, too powerless to be able to take responsibility for my contribution to the existence of animal abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my self-interest, desire for money, fear of survival and fear of loss above the principle of honouring all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that animals are less important, less significant, inferior, less aware or less alive, when in fact my existence depends upon the existence of animals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am more manly, more tough, superior, more macho, stronger, more powerful and better-than if I consume lots of meat, turning meat or food consumption into ego instead of simply nourishing my body, giving my physical flesh and organs what they need, and doing so in humility and gratitude and consideration of what was sacrificed so that I can live another day.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that so long as there are poor people, people in need of money as jobs to survive and a heavy profit-motive – that there will be cheap meat in the form of mass-produced factory farms.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that humanity must first support all humans before/as we stop many of the industries we currently require to survive due to a system of survival where life is not free, but paid for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear supporting others in case others abuse this system of support, without seeing, realizing and understanding that until we sort out our human nature, all systems will be abused, but is it worth denying All? Denying those that would make the best of the support, just to apparently ‘punish’ the abusers, when in fact in doing so we are punishing everyone, even the wealthy that also live in fear of ever ending up like those whose backs and corpses we walk upon.