Sibling Rivalry and the Efficacy of Vocabulary

 

Here Cesar is working on some stop-animation with his clay. He left all his characters on a table, and Celest managed to pull one down and break the tail. I was able to quickly retrieve it and prevent any more damage, but when Cesar saw the broken tail, he became very upset. 

The damage to the tail was an easy fix, but Cesar decided instead to destroy all his characters and start over. I found this reaction to be out of proportion to the situation, so I took a breath and looked deeper. 

I recalled the time we were going on a trip, and we forgot to pack Cesar's clay, as each had assumed the other had placed it in the truck. He again reacted very strongly, and I watched how Gian handled it. It is very easy for a parent to get frustrated and tell a child to just 'get over it' because it's not a big deal, and sometimes that is true, but oftentimes when we take the attitude to 'man-up' because "life is hard", we're only teaching children to suppress, which can lead to a lifetime of illness and disease, failed relationships and personal limitation. So Gian took the time to look a little deeper. He supported Cesar to put into words what was really going on - that it wasn't ONLY about forgetting the clay. For Cesar, it was about the implications of us forgetting.  Gian and I should know him, should have realized how important his clay is to him, and with that understanding, we should have MADE SURE and CERTAIN that the clay made it into the car - thus demonstrating and living our understanding of Who Cesar Is. And when we forgot it, for Cesar it was as if we had overlooked an important part of him, of how he would spend his time and how he would have fun while we were away, and it felt like we didn't know him (Cesar puts great care into ensuring we know who he is.

In the end, we asked forgiveness, which is a very important step - don't skip it - and we also explained to Cesar that his empowerment comes when he takes responsibility for his own things, so in the future he can take the step to ensure he has everything, even if that means reminding the adults to check as well. 

This recent incident was different though. Cesar HAD placed all his clay neatly in the middle of the table,  out of reach... but Celest has grown and her reach has expanded, and we had to find this out the hard way. 

When Cesar seemed inconsolable, I brought back the memory of how Gian had looked several layers deep, beyond the incident that played out in physical reality, and into the implications the child experiences, and I realized the point. I asked Cesar for forgiveness, and looked at the deeper layer. I realized that Cesar trusted me to look after his characters and take care of them while he is away from them for any period of time. If I fail to do this and don't communicate about it to him, it is as if I do not care, do not respect his projects, place less importance on his endeavours, and possibly place Celest's freedom of movement above protecting his creations (because now we have sibling dynamics to consider).

I reminded Cesar that Gian and I both respect and look after his belongings very much. Sometimes you have to remind a child of your proven track-record, because the negative experience can be blinding, where only the negative incidents are seen. I was not speaking empty words. I was reminding Cesar of Living Words such as Love, Respect and Consideration as consistent actions over time specifically when it came to taking care of his clay. The fact that we live these words in our relationship means that Celest WILL learn through us as examples to do the same. However she is still just a baby and does not yet understand things like 'mine' and 'yours'. I also reminded Cesar of when he cut up my expensive earphones with scissors when he was much younger, because toddlers do this kind of thing, and we have to move through it. We had a good laugh at that!

We finished by talking about the choice to 'linger in an emotional state or reaction' once all the points had been discussed and there was understanding and a way forward. It's true that some things do just suck, it's just a shitty situation - but how long do you hold on to that for? I showed Cesar that he now had a choice to remain sad, or to move himself towards having fun again. He admitted that sometimes he suppresses his smiles and laughter to remain sad, but that he would now let it go.

It's so cool when a child has a well-developped vocabulary and understanding, and you can actually get to the root of points as they arise. With setting this kind of foundation in children, we are giving them the tools, skills and abilities to "man-up" later in life when they do become grown Men and Women. They will be able to do it in a way where they don't simply push down and bury their feelings and emotions, but to actually work through them for themselves, because they've been given self-understanding and opportunities to take self-responsibility.

The tough part is that us adults were not necessarily given these tools (and neither were our parents, or theirs), so we have to do the self-work to cut through the reactions to the understanding. I use the Desteni tools for self-work and Techno Tutor for myself and the kids reading, comprehension and vocabulary development. My posts are the outflows of applying these tools. I post them to keep myself accountable, and to support others when similar situations arise in their own lives. 

First Trust; Never hold assumptions...

 

I was growing this spring onion in the window, and Celest was very interested in it. In Canada,  she used to pick the spring onions and chew on them, so I would break off pieces of this one for her or bring her close to look at it. I never let her hold the whole plant due to the assumption that she would make a huge mess and end up killing it. 

Finally, one day when she was very adamant, Gian suggested I just give it to her and see what happens. He reminded me not to hold an assumption or have any expectation of what Celest's behaviour might be. Rather give her a blank slate and allow her to show me what she will do. So I took the onion down and gave it to her. 

To my surprise, Celest played with the onion for hours! She was so gentle and would carry it around,  picking it up and putting it down, losing interest and then taking it up again, all with only a few broken sprigs. She was so careful with it, when I was certain she would dig out the soil and spread it over the room!

Its so easy to fall into the habit of functioning from assumption and expectation, thinking and believing we know what's going to happen based on past behaviour. But this can end up locking children into a past version of themselves without giving them the space to show us what they've learned or how they can so easily and quickly change. It is a cool reminder to regularily hold back all assumptions and expectations, and allow children to instead SHOW us who they are and what they will do.

Why I Worldschool

Keeping up with Cesar's self-education can be a little 😬🥵🫨 at times! I can start counting the terms I have to Google in order to understand what he is telling me in what he would consider a 'normal conversation'. 

Right now, Cesar is into taxonomy. In the picture below, he has created several phyla of classes out of his clay, explaining to me the sexual dymorphism, sexual and asexual reproductive methods within species, and the pleomorphism present within some of the species he's created. He then explains to me that he believes that tardigrades are not highly resistant and able to survive things like the vaccuum of space on purpose, but that they are extremophiles and their heartness is simply side-effect of this. (Total number of googles on my part: 6).

Cesar can become frustrated with me when I take some time to quickly educate myself while talking to him. He wonders why I don't know things, how this world can be so interesting and amazing, and why have I not taken the time to learn all about it? I have to explain to him that my childhood education was prescribed to me by others, and that I went from full-time school directly into full-time work. I had to be honest and tell him that my free time was spent moslty escaping the rest of my life, and that I was turned off from 'learning' as it had come to feel like a chore and was very boring in how it was presented through school. It only occurred to me in my adult life that I could become passionate about something and do my own research and investigations. 

Children that are moved through the education system do not get to nurture their personal interests nor spend timeless moments in their fascinations. To me, this is what that fleeting moment called 'childhood' should be all about. Most of us did not get to live it this way, but for those of us that see value in this approach, we can give it to the next generation. Cesar is an amazing example of how a child's appetite for learning is naturally voracious! All we have to do is give him the tools like reading and vocabulary, guidance, and lots of patience to see it all through to the development of this incredible human being that he is - not only in 'what he knows' - that is not the most important thing. It's about Who He Is within himself, toward others and the whole.

From the Mouths of Babes

I made some delicious sesame encrusted salmon with a teriyaki glaze, served over a bed of arugula and with a side of sautéed red pepper and white rice. It was soooo good! 🤤 As I was dishing it up, Cesar studied it for a moment and plainly told me, word for word, that the meal does not tempt him at all and he finds it entirely unattractive. He carefully reiterated - as Cesar often does to ensure complete understanding - that there is not one element on that plate that he would want to put in his mouth.  

Normally, an adult might find this rude or cheeky for a child to be so blunt. We might call it 'unappreciative' or 'insulting'. Yet I could not help but break out into laughter, because I understand Cesar and where he is coming from. 

We have told Cesar in the past that he must be honest with us about what he likes and dislikes in terms of food. There have been times where he would claim to be full after having not eaten, only because he saw how much effort went into the cooking process, and he didn't want to say he didn't like it. We explained to him that if he does this, we will continue to cook the same meals assuming he likes it, and then end up wasting food. In order to not waste food like this, we ask him to not only tell us if he likes it or not, but what exactly it is that he does or doesn't like, so that we can make adjustments. 

So, when Cesar was studying my dish, I knew that instead of disregarding the whole thing at first glance because it looked 'weird' or 'gross'to him, he was meticulously checking each element to see if there was anything he could eat, before giving his answer. This is not rude nor unappreciative, it is being honest. This is actually quite thoughtful. 

When I was a child, there were many times when I would force foods down my throat when eating at friend's houses so as not to offend anybody. The adults would see this as 'having good manners' and being 'well raised', when in fact it is teaching children to act in misalignment with their honesty in order to appease the emotions and expectations of adults. 

I would rather have a child be honest, know themselves and stand up for what they want and don't want to put in their bodies, because this applies to many more important boundaries later on in life. If we teach our children to bend to the will of others merely for the sake of appearances, then we are creating weak-willed children that will accept and allow abuse unto themselves if it means it won't upset someone, and we do this in so many ways. 

Rather use meal-times as an exercise in self-understanding and the courage to be honest about what you know about yourself. There will be times when a child will not have the option to choose what is served to them, due to things like the cost of food, or time, or something else - but this can also be explained and understood on a practical level instead of in the context of pretense and 

Stop Enter-FEARING with your children

 

Celest and Cesar were playing on the bed together for quite a while. Gian and I had our backs to them, and could only hear the squeals of delight and laughter as the two siblings enjoyed wrestling and chasing each other around. 

Finally I turned around to watch, and it was so cute. But within seconds of watching, I felt a bit of a knot developing in my stomach. I noticed both kids teetering along the edge of the bed, seemingly not focusing at all on their balance and position on the bed as they tossed themselves around. I started to imagine one of them falling off, and all of the accidents and injuries that could happen. 

As soon as I noticed the thoughts, the knot in my stomach and my breath shorten, Celest did a physics-defying back-bending arch right at the edge of the bed (pictured above). I jumped over with my hand in place before her bum could even hit the mattress. 

Great reflexes! But the thing is - my hand did not even have to touch her. She caught herself. She was fine. She had BEEN FINE the whole time! It's only when I interfered (Enter-FEAR) that suddenly the play became 'dangerous'.

The thing is, you can have a starting point of practicality where yes - a child may fall off the bed - and so you must direct accordingly. However, most commonly and automatically, we instantly go into fear. The children, sensitive as they are, will pick up on that fear, and it will have an impact on them. It can be things like shaking their confidence, rattling their self-trust, triggering their defiance or any other such impact depending on the flavour of fear and the nature of the child. 

Rather leave your fear out of the scenario all together - that is your baggage and should not be placed onto a child! Keep it practical instead - commonsense - no need to inject fear into their realities where it does not yet exist. Where there is fear, there can not be trust. Rather watch your children in Trust, and allow them to develop themselves without fear. Keep it real, keep it practical, don't be FEAR, be HERE! 

#parenting #desteni #nofear #tt #technotutor

How to Tell a Child 'No'

That outstretched hand! Grabbing, pointing, reaching, pulling, pushing - it is the main way Celest can communicate her wants and needs at the moment, and thus impose her will onto her reality and the people and things within it. With that, I have been thrust into the world of 'can' and 'can't', 'may' and 'may not', and into a phase where I have had to define and perfect my "Yes's" and 'No's" when I am communicating with her. 

I learned the hard way that there are 'shades' to the word 'no' when I decided I was going to be very strict with certain things that are just dangerous (like electrical outlets) and give a 'hard no'. A 'hard no' means 'no', 'never', 'no compromise', 'absolutely not ever'... It is very absolute. 

Celest's reaction to my approach was not great. Not only would she have a meltdown each time, but it was almost as if she was even MORE drawn to the thing I was saying 'no' to. I was creating a 'forbidden fruit' scenario, and Celest was starting to become sneaky about it (running away with little choking hazards, giving me big rebelious eyes). On top of that, with simply saying 'no' with no further explanation or understanding, it felt as if I was not only cutting her off from a part of her reality, but also from a part of me. It was as if a wedge were being driven between us each time, where there was once a close-ness, there would instead be a divide, a moving away.

I took a beat to process this - and a beat is really all you get - having to process large amounts of information and decide an approach, sometimes within seconds!

I recalled my redefining words process with SOUL (Redefining Words with SOUL), where I first learned to bring in defining more of a variation for the word 'no', where it is not so black and white, but rather like a gray scale, 'shades of 'no'.

For example, there is "no - not right now", "no - not like that", "no - not yet" and then more rarely "no - not ever", for certain things that are physically impossible, for example - but then again, there is always a reason. I found that throughout most of the day, the word 'no' is really a 'no - not yet'/ 'not right now'/'not like that', simply because Celest lacks the understanding or physical ability to do something safely, and so it is just a matter of time, patience, preparing, or first a learning that needs to take place, and then it will become a 'yes'. 

With all the variations of the word 'no' I was using, I saw that Celest still did not like to hear it! 😅 Her whole body would collapse at the sound of the word, as if her world is falling apart in that moment that she does not get to experience the thing she had her heart set on. With this, I decided that despite the fact that Celest won't necessarily understand my words, that she would pick up on Who I Am within them. I started to take a moment to not only explain to Celest which variation of the word 'no' I was using, but also the reason why. I would get down to meet her at her level, giving her a moment and holding within me that I understand the disappointment, the frustration, and the loss that she is experiencing. I am embracing what she is going through - not trying to stop or prevent it, but instead allowing it to flow through her so that she can also process it. Then, after a moment and with no reaction, I would calmly explain the reason why, and then direct us to the next activity or focus. 

With this, Celest changed completely. Yes, she still does not like being told 'no', but when I do it this way, she let's go of her reaction very quickly and she pulls into me. There is understanding, empathy, closure, and moving on, and we become closer. 

Since I began working this way, my bond with Celest has strengthened significantly. The sneakiness and hiding has disappeared completely. Instead of running away with things she knows she's not supposed to have or touch, she now brings them to me for me to show her what to do with them. It feels more like we are a team navigating this reality together, instead of rivals participating in a powerplay against one another. 

From an adult perspective, these things the child is being denied and their reactions towards them may seem trivial, but to them, they are very big feelings to process, without first having any skills to do so. Babies are already dealing with so much just with growth, development and the physical changes they go through every day. Having to also take on the emotional reactions they experience for the first time can be very overwhelming! 

When we take the time to choose our words, define our words, clarify and purify our words to create an understanding and communication that honors and respects the child's will and agency, we are already establishing the skills that are necessary for them to effectively navigate life's challenges with stability, confidence, certainty and trust. The point of being a parent is to teach, guide and prepare the child for their eventual empowerment, and the responsibility that goes along with it. Because it WILL come, and when it does, you'll want a child that can navigate their emotional body as they develop their autonomy, independence, empowerment and agency in the best way - for themselves and everyone else. That is a LOT of implications packaged into such a small word as 'no'!

Morality - Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a world where others suffer without asking questions or challenging systems, simply accepting that this is 'the way things are' because I have accepted and allowed MORALITY to guide me, my actions and decisions, telling me what is apparently 'good' and 'bad', when in fact the system itself is BAD so long as it allows even one child to starve or be raped without doing everything possible to stop it, and yet with morality, I can justify and excuse myself as being a 'good' person that lives in, feeds off of and supports the very systems that allow for such evil to proliferate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world system of abuse, where there are lives being lived that I would never want to experience, yet I accept and allow that others live that kind of life, thinking and believing that I am a 'good person' because I pay my taxes and my debt and the interest, I say "please" and "thank you" and don't break any rules or shake up the morality that exists explicitly or implicitly within the social structures within which I exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live according to the morality of a system of abuse that protects only money and profit, power and control, and thus the absolute abuse of Life on every level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in morality as a judgement system that defines and rewards the behaviour that protects the system and the status quo, and punishes that which challenges it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to trap myself into morality, where I reference not Who I Am and 'what points I need to walk' and 'how' in order to transcend those parts of me that are not Best/Best For All, but rather what is 'right' and 'wrong' in the eyes of society and the CULTure within which I live so that I can 'be a good person' and 'well liked' and 'fit in' to the accepted/expected mold for my specific age, gender, education level, socio-economic class and status and all the roles and criteria placed upon me by society and culture in order that I may be accepted and not cause friction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suffocate myself on a beingness level because of and due to 'following the rules' of morality, acting as both prisoner and prison warden inside myself so that I do not cross any lines that may cause friction in my life or in the system of abuse within which I live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within petrifictation, humiliation and shame at the thought of breaking points of morality, where I would rather diminish myself and live a life that is less than what is Best for me and others, than to break my self-imposed and socially-imposed morality points that keep me limited and small, instead of seeing and realizing that just beyond the petrification, humiliation and shame is expansion and self-empowerment with which I can create a Self and a Life that is in fact Best For All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to call myself a 'moral person' without questioning where those morality came from, and where and when I learned them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abide by 'morality' of the system instead of trusting myself and abiding by the principles of Life on Earth that considers everyone and every living being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within the confines of system morality instead of expanding myself by breaking the rules of morality wherever necessary to walk a process of self-realization.