Morality - Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a world where others suffer without asking questions or challenging systems, simply accepting that this is 'the way things are' because I have accepted and allowed MORALITY to guide me, my actions and decisions, telling me what is apparently 'good' and 'bad', when in fact the system itself is BAD so long as it allows even one child to starve or be raped without doing everything possible to stop it, and yet with morality, I can justify and excuse myself as being a 'good' person that lives in, feeds off of and supports the very systems that allow for such evil to proliferate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world system of abuse, where there are lives being lived that I would never want to experience, yet I accept and allow that others live that kind of life, thinking and believing that I am a 'good person' because I pay my taxes and my debt and the interest, I say "please" and "thank you" and don't break any rules or shake up the morality that exists explicitly or implicitly within the social structures within which I exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live according to the morality of a system of abuse that protects only money and profit, power and control, and thus the absolute abuse of Life on every level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in morality as a judgement system that defines and rewards the behaviour that protects the system and the status quo, and punishes that which challenges it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to trap myself into morality, where I reference not Who I Am and 'what points I need to walk' and 'how' in order to transcend those parts of me that are not Best/Best For All, but rather what is 'right' and 'wrong' in the eyes of society and the CULTure within which I live so that I can 'be a good person' and 'well liked' and 'fit in' to the accepted/expected mold for my specific age, gender, education level, socio-economic class and status and all the roles and criteria placed upon me by society and culture in order that I may be accepted and not cause friction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suffocate myself on a beingness level because of and due to 'following the rules' of morality, acting as both prisoner and prison warden inside myself so that I do not cross any lines that may cause friction in my life or in the system of abuse within which I live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within petrifictation, humiliation and shame at the thought of breaking points of morality, where I would rather diminish myself and live a life that is less than what is Best for me and others, than to break my self-imposed and socially-imposed morality points that keep me limited and small, instead of seeing and realizing that just beyond the petrification, humiliation and shame is expansion and self-empowerment with which I can create a Self and a Life that is in fact Best For All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to call myself a 'moral person' without questioning where those morality came from, and where and when I learned them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abide by 'morality' of the system instead of trusting myself and abiding by the principles of Life on Earth that considers everyone and every living being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within the confines of system morality instead of expanding myself by breaking the rules of morality wherever necessary to walk a process of self-realization. 

You Cannot Both Experience Life and Live Life

When we go into experiences as feelings and emotions within ourselves, we subconsciously seek to validate the experience through interpreting situations and events in our environment. It is by no chance or luck that our interpretations will exactly confirm our experience. 

Let us look at an example:

If we are feeling confident in a moment, we will act in certain ways, gaining certain feedback from our environment, or simply interpreting situations and events in our environment that will confirm that yes, I am confident, I am for example: loud, boisterous, direct, hold a certainty in what I say, people like me, agree with me and I have influence over others-  or however one has defined confidence and being confident throughout one’s life. 

I’m speaking here of confidence as an experience and not a living expression of confidence. A living expression of confidence as Self would be where one stands regardless of one’s internal experience, whereas an experience of confidence is one where one feels confident in a moment, and for that moment one changes and acts out confidently, but when the experience changes, to one of insecurity, uncertainty or doubt for example, one will also change and now live out this new experience.

This may all seem well and fine, even normal in fact; but have a look at what it is we are accepting and allowing through this seemingly simple or normal participation in experiences and experiencing:

We are actually accepting and allowing an experience to direct us, to be the director of our thoughts, words and deeds. An experience of ‘confidence’ may fly under the radar as it is a positive experience that one may enjoy, but the point remains that we have given away our self-responsibility as our ability to direct ourselves in thought, words and deed, we have given it away to an experience. 

This implies that this is our protocol when it comes to experiences, which then implies that this is how we will behave within both positive and negative experiences. 

Let us now have a look at the flip side of the coin – the negative. 

An example of a negative experience would be one of insecurity, jealousy, unworthiness, feeling left out, or any other such negative experience. Now we will look to confirm and validate this experience by acting out in certain ways or interpreting situations and events in our environment that will tell us that yes, we are not secure, we are less-than, we are not worthy, we are left out. We will, for example, not speak up, participate less in an interaction, or self-isolate depending on the negative experience, and by our own actions make the experience real in physical reality, thus confirming our experience (and eventually, over time, manifesting the experience as the reality of who we are).

What is happening here is that we are actually manipulating ourselves and manipulating our realities to generate internal experiences through acting and interpreting situations and events to confirm and validate the very experiences we have created within ourselves. The question to ask here is, what would happen, what would reality be if we were to instead direct ourselves to be present in the moment as it is? Another question to ask is, why do I trust this experience over and above trusting myself as the director and the decision-maker of my life?

The interesting aspect of this entire play-out is that we have in fact designed it for and as ourselves – it is pre-programmed, for and by us. We do this over time and throughout our lives, where we decide how we behave when we are confident, jealous, insecure etc… for example: when I am insecure, I become quiet, defensive and push people away, when I am confident, I become loud, boisterous and certain. 

The question to ask here is: what is it that we are creating ourselves as over time? I would answer here that what we are creating is limitation – self-limitation where we limit ourselves to certain pre-determined scripts. These scripts evolve more and more into themselves until they become who we are in fact, as we are the creators of ourselves. Within this, we end up closing the doors on the vast potential and opportunities Life has to offer, and stick to our pre-programmed paths, bouncing back and forth between seeking out positive experiences and avoiding negative experiences. We will chase positive experiences, avoiding situations, events or people that do not confirm our positive experience – situations, events and people that could have been keys for us to develop, grow, overcome and transcend our limitations, but instead we chose to trust and follow the desired experience and remain on a fast track to nowhere. Conversely, we even go so far as to fear the negative experiences we accept and allow ourselves to create, going into an anticipation of them and thus creating and generating degrees of anxiety as we fear repeating the negative script we have written for ourselves. 

Within all of this, what we are in fact doing is experiencing life, and not Living Life. We are choosing by our acceptances and allowances to, instead of living in real time, real reality in the moment, live in a very small experience that takes place in isolation inside that tiny kingdom between our two ears – our mind. 

What we tend to miss within all of this is the fact that the entire play out, both positive and negative, is us seeking out to fulfill our own self-interest as a constant confirmation that we are right and correct – wether it feels good or bad, “at least I am right (righteous)”/”at least I am in control”/”I knew it!” (at least we are god/all powerful somewhere) – but to what end?

We are trying and attempting to experience something more than what is Here. In this, we are making the statement that Life, as it exists, is not enough. I am not enough. There must be something more. I must be something more. This is the effect experience has upon us, where the self-aggrandizing and self-diminishment has us existing as experience only, and not Life, not Living. And not only are we not actually Living, but we are missing reality – the reality that is playing out on this earth. We are too preoccupied in our own minds and experiences that we can overlook abject poverty, environmental atrocities, disregard our neighbours and our fellow man as our tunnel vision blinds us to focus on but ONE thing – our experience. 

It is like living in a movie or a story book where regardless of if self is the hero or the victim – self is the main character (one that lacks substance or any REAL character).

What is the alternative?

An alternative can be that we stand up as Self-Trust in and as Who We Are, letting go of our addiction to experience to instead live moment-by-moment, breath-by-breath as we accumulate moments of self-direction to now create ourselves as the directive-principle of Who We Are. Within this, we are not missing out on Life unfolding before our very eyes – where our participation in reality now becomes constructive, our interactions become open and dynamic, we see what is really in fact Here and what needs to be done. We open ourselves up to face and walk through situations and events as they are – thus allowing and in fact placing the foundations in for self-growth, self-expansion and self-development, challenging our limitations and proving to ourselves what we are capable of. In this, becoming someone that honours, respects and regards Self - where one actually Lives Life in such a way that now Honours Life, because once you see Life and yourself as a participant, the responsibility becomes undeniable, as it is you, and you are it. Life is Us, and We are Life, One and Equal.

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

This blog contains the self-commitment and self-corrective application statements from the self-forgiveness I worked through in my last blog about not being able to concentrate within my studies.

Thus, this blog is a statement of that which I am willing to commit to, and the ways in which I will change my behavior (practical application of myself in my world), which will extend beyond school and into every day life, which is an accumulation of actions. Therefore, it is of the utmost importance that I am the directive principle of Who I Am within each action in my life, because the end result of me is an outflow of who I have been within each action.

Each one has the ability to make a decision in every action, I choose to do what’s best for all, which is not really a choice. I choose to be a living, breathing being that is present and aware, and not a distracted and entertained consumer consuming zombie that does not take all life into consideration in each action. But in order to walk myself out of this mind-state, I have to, step by step, release myself from the ways in which I have abdicated myself to my mind. One of these ways is not applying myself to things that I’ve judged as ‘difficult’, such as school, wherein I literally could not apply myself to focus.

This would probably be called ADD now, however, I intend to discipline myself within focusing, by/through walking myself back into my mind in order to see how I created the distractions that occur in my own mind, as energies, resistances and uncomfortabilities. I have come a long way since starting this process, and the two years I have already spent on this point, on and off over the months. I realize that it took me many many years to develop this point within myself, thus it will take a process to undo it. I realize there are no quick fixes or easy outs, and that it’s just a matter of undoing the programming I myself have done. Self-forgiveness releases this very effectively, and allows for the re-scripting of self, wherein, one becomes free to move oneself as Who One Is moment to moment, and not limited by any ‘state of mind’.

These self-commitment and self-corrective application statements are very specifically tied to the self-forgiveness I did in my last blog. So, for context, please visit Day 107- Getting Out of the Work.

I commit myself to let go of the past memories where I struggled and failed in school, and release myself from the energetic experiences I have created within myself in relation to them.

I commit myself to begin building myself as Who I would like To Be from a clean slate, as I daily clean my slate in order to not carry around the cumbersome burden of a past filled with judgments and self-definitions which, in believing them to be real, have limited me in innumerable ways.

I commit myself to slowing down my mind with self-awareness developed through daily writing, in order that I may SEE the thoughts that seem to ‘pop’ into my head without any intention of my own, thoughts which trigger chain reactions which build into energies that cause the task at hand to seem like so much more than it actually is, which is simply reading,
understanding, synthesizing, and regurgitating- as is the way it works in the current schooling system, unfortunately.

When and as I see a though arise in relation to past memories of struggling at school due to feeling constantly ‘lost’, I stop, and I breathe. I make the directive decision to ground myself back Here by stopping my participation of the thought and deleting it in one moment by not paying attention to it, and instead bringing my focus back to the work in front t of me, which I am NOT lost within, and which I can easily navigate so long as I read the material and focus.

I commit myself to base my self-assessments on the current reality of myself, and not upon past memories and self-definitions which I had created and carried around as survival techniques and self-manipulation to not apply myself and to not remain fully present and aware within that which I do.

I commit myself to stop the old patterns and habits I had accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as, because I see, realize and understand that it is not rational to continue my participation within and as them, as they only serve to limit and diminish me, and that I cannot accept or allow to continue.

When and asI see that I am about to start a project from the starting point of getting through it as quickly as possible, within and as the ‘getting out of work’ character, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to Here within and as functioning within physical time, breath by breath, and give myself as much time as I may need to do the work properly, within reason. I remind myself that physical breath-by-breath application will seem slow and even unbearable at times, but I move myself as the living realization that there is no other way, so to thus then slow down, take a breath, take it easy, breathe and continue from Here.

I commit myself to stop validating the characters I have created and existed as, by stopping my participation in the validating process of acknowledging and paying attention to the thoughts related to past experiences of ‘getting out of the work’, and instead focusing on the work in front of me breath by breath, and changing my starting point as my approach to the work, from wanting to get it all done as fast as possible, to actually making the directive decision to do it properly, so as to remove the basis platform of this character, thus not leaving it with any leg to stand on, allowing it to fall, and to then replace it with Who I Am Here as the directive of myself as breath.

I commit myself to stop perpetuating the ‘getting out of the work’ character, by stopping re-living it over and over, by changing my behavior as per the above self-commitment, from the point of realization, as the realization that this character is limiting and diminishing me, making me less than who I am.

When and as I see that I am participating in the ‘getting out of work’ character by looking at my work and only seeing millions of words on a page, creating this experience of blankness within me because I don’t yet understand them, as I have not yet read them, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to physical time by looking at the first paragraph ONLY, reading it through, breathing, and allowing myself to take a moment to absorb what it is saying, from words on a page, to information in my head, to understanding, and then on to the next paragraph.

Within this, I commit myself to stop perpetuating the ‘getting out of the work’ character by actually doing the work.

To be continued...