Day 168- What Happens to Marriages?

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Within this blog I will be taking a pause from my direct focus on my process of walking through obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), which includes compulsive skin-picking disorder (CSP), body-dismorphic disorder (BDD), and general anxiety, in order to clear my mind and walk through a point that has presented itself in my life. This point is the end of my 10 year marriage.

Within this, I realize that I am not truly ‘taking a pause’ from walking OCD, because OCD is present in everything I do, as I have integrated it into and as the very fiber of Who I Am. Therefore, as I walk this relationship character I become within relationships, I am also clearing aspects of myself that have contributed to OCD in my life.

What I have noticed is that, it always comes back to self-acceptance, including self-love, self-fulfillment, cherishing and honouring self, equal to and one with everthing and everyone that is Here. But is always comes back to self first- clearing self first, creating an equality-based self-relationship first. This process is a difficult one and requires self-will, self-discipline and self-movement- all things I require to walk out of OCD, and qualities which I never  truly understood or thought I could develop.  Without self-acceptance, self-love, self-fulfillment, cherishing and honouring self, it is very  difficult for me to change. I require myself to be there for myself, and I realize that within relationships, I give much of myself away.

I would ideally have a partner in my life, and would enter into an agreement with one that is willing to stand with me, but I will not do so without a clear starting point. I realize that without clearing the starting point, one is bound to repeat the same mistakes, over and over, every time. I will be required to clear myself as ‘relationship Kim’, I character I play to fit into the role of relationships, so that I can enter into an agreement as a whole being that doesn’t require to play roles to be accepted by another. If I remain this way, I will only ever compromise myself within relationships.

So, here goes: Beginning with the fear dimension of this character, then I will move through to the ‘thought’ dimension, the  ‘back chat’/’internal conversation’, and then the ‘imagination’ dimension.

The Relationship character:

Fears:

I fear losing someone that loves and cherishes me.

I fear I won’t find another before it’s too late.

I fear I won’t be missed.

I fear being rejected.

I fear not being wanted, needed and desired

I fear losing the projection of the future I had created/not having a projection of a future anymore.

I fear losing the image I had created for myself, of ‘who I was’ in a relationship.

I fear facing jealousy.

I fear sharing what I had, what was ‘all mine’.

I fear I’ve made a mistake.

"I fear losing someone that loves and cherishes me."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing someone that loves and cherishes me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to lose externalized environmental feedback that I can use to create the energetic experience of ‘being loved’ and ‘being cherished’- indicating a starting point of being ‘unloved’ and ‘uncherished’ due to having never developed or enhanced myself as self-love and never truly cherishing myself. Having always depended on my environment and people within my environment to obtain these feelings as if they were possessions, being possessed by energy instead of facing the fact that I had only ever been emptying myself out the more I sought these things outside of myself. Constantly and continuously recreating the starting point of ‘unloved’ and ‘uncherished’ within myself, thus manifesting the end result equal to and one with the starting point.

I commit myself to use that which I fear losing to show myself that which I am not providing myself.

I commit myself to map out practical steps which, when lived over time, will develop self-love and teach myself what it means to cherish myself.

When and as I see that the fear of being unloved and uncherished is coming up within me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the development of self-love and self-cherishing by reminding myself I am Here for me, walking this process for me, taking responsibility for me- so that I constantly learn to clear my starting point and base myself as self-acceptance, self-love, and self-cherishing,  equal to and one with all that’s Here- of equal value, equal love, equally cherished, thus within loving and cherishing myself, I love and cherish others as me, instead of using others to fulfill the void I had created myself as- loveless and uncherished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-love and self-cherishing outside of myself, into and as another, thus making the other responsible for filling the void/myself as void, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the more I looked outside myself and placed my value in what others could give me, I was actually giving myself away in return for the experience of myself. I was digging into myself and creating a void, and giving pieces of me away in return for the experience of love, and the experience of being cherished, which was only ever just that: experience; momentary sensations leaving nothing but a desire for more, while giving away my potential for self-love and self-cherishing, potential which could have been substantial- of actual substance which would become parts of me, giving myself back parts of me instead of giving myself away; Creating myself as something/someone of substance. I can depend on and trust that which is substantial, while experience is fleeting, unpredictable, unstable, and leaves behind only impressions of what could be- without a means to become it.

I commit myself to Take Myself Back, piece by piece, by recognizing where and how I give myself away, by seeing when and where I look to others to make me feel something.

I commit myself to walk myself towards self-trust, self-dependability, and self-stability, by stopping myself from seeking experience within relationships, and instead giving attention to that which I am in fact, and developing and enhancing that which I am in matter and in fact.

When and as I see that I am looking to gain the experience of being cherished and being loved from another, I stop, and I breathe, I bring myself back to brutal self-honesty, by reminding myself of that which I am actually losing/giving away/not developing /not substantiating, by instead seeking it from another as a feeling or experience. I move myself to stand equal to and one with those in my life and world, not to gain something from them, but to learn and grow, and face myself as them, to grow and develop together. Based on agreed upon principles, and not taking from each other that which the other never really had to begin with.

I will continue within my next blog…

To learn these self-supportive writing tools for yourself visit: DIP LITE- a free course where you will learn to create a platform of self-support to be able to face yourself in forgiveness and acceptance, and recreate yourself through your own self-realization, in a way that honours you and supports yourself to Live a Life worth Living.

Day 168- OCD: Thoughts that Create my Own Prison

Within this blog I am looking at one aspect of how I create an internal environment that I trap myself within, and that I accept and allow to become a force that overruns my life. Similar to working on taking down the bars of a prison, one by one, working through it until it is no longer a prison cell at all. Herein, I am taking apart the aspect of avoidance and not taking responsibility for simple things in my world, which creates reactions inside of me that become so unbearable that I have actually created and manifested a disorder wherein I would constantly pick at my skin as a release from my own creation, but which at the same time feeds that disorder, thus continuing it within and as a vicious cycle. 

This blog is continued from:

Day 166- OCD: Walking Through A Possession- Facing My Own Consequences

Day 167- Moving Mountains

 

When and as I see that there is any kind of movement within me in relation to facing an obligation/responsibility/task/chore, I immediately stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-movement within the awareness and realization that any reactions I accept or allow towards an obligation/responsibility/task/chore stays with me, and as I linger within it, I feed it with energy and attention, I’m accepting and allowing it to bog me down, accumulating over time to an overwhelmingly reactive state which feeds and fuels obsessive compulsive disorder/dermatillomania within my life and world. 

I realize that within making the decision to walk through the disorder entails me stopping my acceptances and allowances, and stopping the accumulation of reactions to/towards obligations/responsibilities/tasks/chores, and instead stepping up and seeing them through.

I commit myself to begin tasks in a timely manner, and to see them through in order to expand myself as self-movement, self-trust and discipline

I commit myself to stop the movement that happens within me connected to the thought of facing a obligation/responsibility/task/chore, and I commit myself to, in that exact moment, instead move myself to begin the obligation/responsibility/task/chore, and to also see it through.

When and as I feel the backchat come up within me: “maybe someone else will do it for me”, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that following that backchat or internal conversation is complete disempowerment and self-sabotage; I can’t depend upon others to face myself for me, or make it easier for me, or allow me to ‘get out of the work’. As I’ve already pointed out in my other blogs: I’m not actually ‘getting out of’ anything- what I’m actually doing is creating more reactions and instability in my life and world by not learning how to do things for myself, and not growing and developing myself through challenging myself, but instead building up reactions as energies within me which eventually contribute to take me over, and contribute to OCD. Within this, I see, realize and understand that it’s never really about the actual task itself, it’s all actually about my reaction towards the task. So when I accept and allow the internal conversation “maybe someone else will do it”, or “I hope somebody else will come along and do it for me”; what I am actually stating is “maybe/I hope I don’t have to face myself and walk through my own self-created internal state/environment/resistances.” Within this, I am actually accepting and allowing the internal environment that I myself created through so easily accepting and allowing the backchat “I don’t want to do it/maybe someone else will come along and do it for me”, become the force that direct my life and Who and How I am within it, and this is NOT acceptable. 

Therefore, when and as is feel the slightest movement/flash/idea/hope/image of the internal conversation “maybe someone will come and do it for me,” I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that at that moment I am standing at a cross-roads, with a choice between self-expansion or self-compromise: The choice is consequences or solution: doing the responsibility and EXPANDING me, or not doing them and building energy and leading myself to picking my skin/OCD/depression.

I commit myself to choose self-expansion and LIFE over and above OCD/skin picking/stagnation/self-diminishment, by choosing to stop the pattern before it start, as soon as I feel the movement beginning a resistance within and as me.

I commit myself to face and walk through the resistances that I create by not catching them before their creation process.

I commit myself to take responsibility for that which I create within/as myself, instead of accepting/allowing it to over-take me and become the driving force in my life.

To learn these self-supportive writing tools for yourself visit: DIP LITE- a free course where you will learn to create a platform of self-support to be able to face yourself in forgiveness and acceptance, and recreate yourself through your own self-realization, in a way that honours you and supports yourself to Live a Life worth Living. 

Day 167- Moving Mountains

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a relationship to/towards responsibilities/tasks/chores/obligations- turning it into a separate entity which I think/believe/perceive I do not have access to the resources to possibly work through it/take care of it/move it- creating the experience of a giant boulder in my path, wherein I perceive myself as too small/incapable/inadequate to ever possibly move it.

 

When and as a task/responsibility/chore/obligation comes up in my world, and I see that I am beginning to mind-process it, I immediately stop, and I breathe I bring myself back to the reality of the situation by reminding myself  that a boulder in my path represents a physical impossibility, whereas, the vast majority of the obstacles (tasks/responsibilities/chores) I face on a daily basis are actually quite doable, and it is rare that I’m actually faced with a task/chore/responsibility that is a physical impossibility.

I would point out to myself that I used the word ‘obstacle’ interchangeably with the words task/chore/responsibility/obligation. This makes me question, what exactly do I perceive the task/chore/responsibility/obligation as getting in the way of? Tasks, chores obligations and responsibilities are a necessary part of everyday life- no matter what. So what is it that I feel I am being prevented from doing or being, by the requirement to perform/accomplish/move through tasks, chores and responsibilities?

In self-honesty, I can see that it is this absolute drifting state, where I would simply drift from one thing to the next, not really ever disciplining myself or dedicating or committing myself to any one thing- really just pursuing likes and avoiding dislikes, which I have already sorted out in These Blogs: 

Day 124- Pursuing Likes and Avoiding Dislikes Is Not Really Living

Day 130- The Pursuit of Happiness

I see now that I did/do not feel capable of walking the task/chore/responsibility/obligation through to the end. I would then avoid it for this reason, manifesting my own internal overwhelmingness towards responsibilities, tasks, obligations and chores, etc… by blowing them way out of proportion and then avoiding them. So what I see I can make a slight adjustment within the realization that occupying myself with avoiding tasks/chores/responsibilities and dealing with consequences actually creates much more work/obstacles/overwhelmingness than simply addressing them and walking through them step by step- Addressing the task/chore/responsibility/obligation, and seeing it through, actually takes the least amount of energy participation, and would generate the least amount of energetic reactions that I have thus far been accumulating and allowing to overpower me.

So the choice is actually quite simple, and the truth is quite clear to me now. I would have to be really very self-dishonest to fool myself into thinking/believing/perceiving that avoiding responsibilities/tasks/chores is in any way the ‘easy way out’.

So, from this point on, I will practice the practical application of, in the moment of facing a task, simply move into it without first creating relationships to/towards it which creates and manifest the experience of facing a giant boulder. Realizing that NOT taking responsibility in this case is how I place impossible boulders in my path, and so as easily as I have drifted in to ‘avoidance mode’, I can and will direct myself into ‘application mode’, where I calmly and gently push myself to walk right through the impossible boulder- as it was only ever smoke and mirrors created in my mind in the first place.

To learn these self-supportive writing tools for yourself visit: DIP LITE- a free course where you will learn to create a platform of self-support to be able to face yourself in forgiveness and acceptance, and recreate yourself through your own self-realization, in a way that honours you and supports yourself to Live a Life worth Living.

Day 166- OCD: Walking Through A Possession- Facing My Own Consequences

I had a possession experience; one where I reached a point that I am normally not able to pull myself out from- one which would normally lead to an OCD 'lock-down', or depression, or both. It was triggered by the simple fact that I had a couple of responsibilities that I was required to tend to, and which could have some significant consequences if I didn’t. 

I felt it coming and the pull to pick my skin became stronger until I was ‘in the position’ of an OCD session, but instead I moved myself to get ready and I left the house. As I was driving I was forgiving the experience out loud and as I began to dig a little deeper it was not coming through clearly. What I was experiencing was a mixture anxiety, fear, and perhaps anger.

In this situation I felt anxiety because I had left the responsibilities to the last minute, and now if anything went wrong I would not have time to fix it.

I felt anger because I had ‘done it again’ in terms of compromising myself by leaving things to the last minute, thus creating a bigger deal out of the responsibilities by avoiding them, instead of having simply dealt with them earlier.

I felt fear because I didn’t want others to see that I didn’t get it together, because I have this perception of how others see me that I want to maintain in order to believe it is true, and if anything went wrong with either of these responsibilities, my cover would be blown and I would be exposed as my real truth: that I am still participating in this irresponsible pattern that does not create myself as an individual that can be depended on and trusted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leave responsibilities to last minute, in an effort to avoid having to do them, thus creating a compromised situation or myself by not having enough time, creating chaos and uncertainty in my world, and repeating a pattern that creates myself as someone I cannot trust to get things done, or depend on to be able to move myself to take responsibility in my life and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid and procrastinate from taking care of the responsibilities I have committed to, within the hopes that someone else will come along and do it for me, thus giving my power away and sabotaging my self-relationship and the self-trust that I require o build and prove over time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid and procrastinate from taking care of responsibilities that I don’t completely know how to do, and instead of simply beginning to accomplish them, I build them up in my mind and worry about them, and I create ideas that I will not be able to get through them and I will fail, and within my avoidance and procrastination from actually dealing with the responsibility, I hope someone else will do it, or that it will somehow work itself out without my intervention, instead of empowering myself to move through the responsibility step by step- asking for assistance whenever I run into an obstacle I cannot overcome, so that I‘m contributing to building my self-trust and dependability each time I have a responsibility. Wherein- each time I have responsibilities to tend to, what I also have is an opportunity to strengthen my self-trust, by showing myself that I can in fact stick to the commitment, and walk through the responsibility to the best of my ability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid and procrastinate from taking care of responsibilities, and hoping someone else will do it for me, thus creating a powerlessness and helplessness within and as me, where I think/believe/perceive that I simply can’t do it, and I am unable, and instead of proving to myself that I can in fact do it by actually doing it, I simply believe my thoughts/ideas/perceptions and beliefs, and the energy connected to them, within the logic of, ‘because I think ‘I can’t do it,’ and feel like ‘I can’t do it;’ it must be true,’ instead of using common sense to actually test myself in reality, to see if it is true or not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create and manifest powerlessness and helplessness within and as me, through allowing others in my world to ‘do it for me’, or simply not taking responsibility and allowing it to ‘work itself out’ and ceate chaos, instead of taking the initiative to do it for myself and prove to myself that I can do it, thus actually creating self-empowerment, instead of creating helplessness and powerlessness through inaction and giving up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid taking responsibility for myself, and then fear the consequences of not doing so.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the decision to not take self-responsibility, and to avoid doing the responsibilities I have to do because I have built them up to be something more than I think I can handle, and then fear the consequences of having done so, because this cycle brings it to  point where it is beyond my control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring tasks/responsibilities to the point where they are beyond my control, wherein, I bring them to the point where I can only barely get them done- wherein, within and through my non-action, I have accepted and allowed the point to grow and fester and become something that I cannot possibly take responsibility for because it becomes ‘too late’, and then I can use the excuse that I ‘couldn’t possible do anything’, ‘it was beyond my control’, it was 'bigger than me'/'too great for me,’ when in fact 

 I created the entire situation through my deliberate non-action through self-disempowerment and helplessness.

I can recall this pattern from when I was younger, wherein it would manifest as a messy room, not completing my homework and assignments, and not pulling my own weight by doing household chores.  Within this, there is quite a simplistic pattern within which I create energy in relation to, for example, responsibilities, where I, in a moment of facing consequence that I know I created, would then REACT to MY OWN consequence, and then use this reaction to justify/validate/excuse ocd/csp. So the pattern I am exposing to myself here, is not taking responsibility for obligations, then accumulating reactions towards not doing it/postponing/procrastinating (wherein I would feel bad/irritable/uncomfortable/down on myself/low self-esteem/worthless etc….), and from this building up all these reactions into an Energy (like the ‘white noise I mentioned in this blog), and then to a point where I use that energy to pick, thus in essence, using this pattern as a deliberate way to deliberately create energy for picking.

The SOLUTION to this would be to, instead of waiting for responsibilities, to DO them- not build up the energy in reaction to obligation, but to get things done- really walk step-by-step and breath by breath, because I see that if I miss a step/miss a moment- my mind so easily goes into that reaction. In this way, I can ensure that I don’t deliberately use obligations/responsibilities to react to them and NOT do them then lead myself into the temptation of OCD/CSP’ The choice is consequences or solution: doing the responsibility and EXPANDING me, or not doing them and building energy and leading myself to picking my skin/OCD/depression.

To learn these self-supportive writing tools for yourself visit: DIP LITE- a free course where you will learn to create a platform of self-support to be able to face yourself in forgiveness and acceptance, and recreate yourself through your own self-realization, in a way that honours you and supports yourself to Live a Life worth Living.