Here's me in the morning, no makeup, tired eyes, a blank slate waiting for instructions. My un-directed mind starts to take over and create a blueprint for the day based on subconscious fears, undesirable memories and patterns of the past. That is where I step in, me as my awareness, my self-will, my self-directive principle.
Today I give myself the opportunity to choose again:
Who Will I Be Today?
This morning is the first day I am back from my vacation. I came home Saturday so that Sunday could be a buffer day before I go back to work. This morning my experience is that I have a bad feeling at the pit of my stomach. The thought of knowing that I have to go back to work, knowing I will get caught up in the stress and anxiety of it all, knowing that it is beyond my control that my body will become stiff and painful, like walking into slaughter.
The word I will use to encapsulate this is ‘foreboding’. I can relate this back to when I was younger and most of the activities I had to do I actually loathed – school, swimming lessons, piano lessons, homework, etc… – things that I didn’t understand, or I was physically uncomfortable doing, or did not interest me at all. And I began to develop this feeling about ‘what is coming next’ and how I will experience myself negatively during it.
The attitude here is that “something bad is necessarily going to happen”, the key word being ‘necessarily’. When I was younger I would become emotional in situations where people had to teach me things and they would become frustrated and upset because I would not learn. But at that stage in life, learning is what we do most, so I would face it again and again. Also, I was being placed into activities not of my choosing and never pushed real hard to stop them, I just gave up and submitted to going through whatever was placed on my plate. So I began to see this as how life necessarily plays out. I never thought to give myself options…. Always the victim, never giving too much fight.
Now it is different though. I have chosen to be at the job I am at. I could technically quit whenever I want. I can also choose how I handle the stress of the day, whereas when I was younger, I did not have this understanding. I realize I can and have to fight for making things better and more supportive for myself, because I have seen that things are never ever just handed out. I can challenge myself and what I claim to apparently 'know' about myself and life, because within this 'knowing' there is a victimization present that I cannot accept or allow. The naked truth is that I am not a victim of my circumstances, that I can choose and I can change.
The question is then, how do I change my experience from that of ‘foreboding’ (picture a small child, knees to chest, grasping legs and looking up in fear), to a strong woman, standing tall, walking bravely, confidently, determinedly into the darkness of the unknown, ready to face whatever comes up and let it roll of her back like a wave. The word that sticks out for me is ‘determinedly’. And that will be my support word: “determined”.
The meaning I will live is both ‘to be determined’, and ‘to determine how I will be’. It goes forward and backward. I am determined to live today to it’s fullest, to get the things done that I need to do so that I am best supported to face my week. I also determine that I will face this day with confidence and certainty that I know what the fuck I am doing, why I am doing it, and who I am within it.
To accomplish this I will write out a list of the things I need to get done. I will keep it practical and do-able. I will also include enjoyable things on there, so that it is not just a day of errands. It is important to always keep the balance. This way I go from a foreboding day where I stay in and hide, to a determined day where I get out there and face the world. At the end of the day I will do a recap and post it here.
A little self-forgiveness to release the past:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future and upcoming events.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future and upcoming events because I keep re-hashing only memories of unpleasant play-outs essentially using only the negatives of my past to paint my future with, instead of remembering a balance, and more importantly, remembering to be present, Here, grounded and knowing fully that I create my future with the decision I make right here and now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest a feeling of foreboding within and as me because I am remembering how in the past I used to victimize myself and make myself powerless to change my environment, activities and self-experience, and hanging on to that as if it were truth, instead of letting go of that and tossing it as far away from myself as possible, and celebrating the fact that I have realized it is NOT truth, I am NOT a victim, and I have COMPLETE determination over who and how I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to pity myself as one that has to endure life and always faces negative scenarios and unfortunate play-outs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the fact that I had a lot to do with creating the enduring negative experiences in my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I had a choice.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of being the victim, because then I don't have to be completely responsible for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be completely responsible for myself, instead of seeing and realizing that complete responsibility creates complete freedom and empowerment.
How do thoughts determine who we are and will always be?
Living in Imagination - Reptilians - Part 204:
How have we come to live predominantly within our imaginations?
What does it mean to live in our imagination, even though we exist in the physical reality?
Why doesn’t each of our thoughts or imaginings manifest in the world?
What determines which of our thoughts or imaginings will manifest in the world?
Do we determine what manifests from within us, or is there something more…?
Osho - Becoming the Point of Ego