Day 27- My Emancipation from 'Love'

              

Day 27- My Emancipation from Love

            Looking back upon my relationships, specifically non-platonic relationships, although all apply, I see how much I have compromised myself for others. Whether it be a feeling of guilt when doing something ‘for myself,’ or not even doing the thing at all, out of guilt, or looking into the future and limiting myself and my options because of a consideration of my partner and where and how they fit in. I’ve limited my options of what I ‘can’ and ‘can’t’ do, based on, not the actual person, but my perception of the person, meaning, my beliefs about them, my ideas and thoughts that I’ve built and manifested as an ‘image’ of the person, rather than actually considering the actual reality of the person. Or furthermore, submitting myself to the wants, needs and desires of the other person, without voicing myself and who I am within how I would like to direct me and my life.

            Continuing from my last several posts wherein I am taking myself back from ‘love,’ and at the same time, ‘allowing’ my partner to do the same (I threw a few fits before the obvious stared me so blankly in the face that I couldn’t NOT stand up from within the experience (the ‘obvious’ being that I can’t ‘withdraw’ from ‘love’ but still expect my partner to remain the same)), I am continuing here with my emancipation: the realization that I decide me, even within my relationship. Mainly, I no longer allow the voice in my head that says, “well, what’s he going to think? What’s he going to say about that? How’s HE going to feel if you do that? You shouldn’t do that, it might hurt him,” and so on. This voice has been dictating me for long enough, and once I stopped blaming him for it, I realized that it is entirely me, my creation and thus, my responsibility to SHUT it the FUCK up!

            The self-deception that kept me enslaved to this voice was listening to the reasoning of my mind- telling me that I was doing it FOR him, out of consideration, I was doing it because I cared so much, because I ‘loved’ him so much- these are justifications and excuses which covered up the fact that I wasn’t facing me and asserting myself and my living out of FEAR, self-interest and manipulation, creating and maintaining a safe little bubble called ‘relationship’ and ‘love,’ where I rarely risked anything and when I felt bad I could call on ‘love’ and ‘relationship’ to pick me up. But that ‘pick-me-up’ was really holding me down, sinking deeper and deeper into a mere roll or character, with only glimpses and glimmers of myself as self-directive of me and here and there.

            Since Desteni, I have been being and becoming the director of my own life for some time, but I stayed away from my relationship. I based the majority of my process around my relationship, and only soooo slowly let it seep in. I wasn’t ready, and he wasn’t ready; but now here it is, and here we are: the point has been placed directly in front of us: ‘love’ is a fraud- we have been playing roles and compromising ourselves, and each other, this entire time-so what are we, as individuals, going to do with this new understanding? We’ve both done our own thing, and have had our ups and downs- my recent down has led me to realize my emancipation from ‘love’- that I don’t have to feel bad anymore, I don’t have to limit myself, and I can do whatever I choose. I choose of course, to live for life. To stand with whoever is willing to release themselves from their own multitude of self-created shackles, and to stand for real freedom, which is equality (the first step being economic equality). So what I am going to do with the information, is keep applying myself, despite anything or anyone around me, so that I can free myself from the self-created shackles of self-limitation and self-compromise hat exists within relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave and limit and thus compromise myself to the ideas, perceptions and beliefs about my partner, which I have created over time through reactions, backchat, resent, fear, self-judgment and blame, instead of realizing that I have only ever limited and compromised myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my partner based upon my ideas, perceptions and beliefs created from resent, backchat and blame, instead of considering him as who he really is in actual reality, which I don’t know, but am willing to discover for the first time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as resent, backchat and blame to/towards another in my world, instead of realizing all these things are detrimental to me, they diminish and limit me by allowing me to not take responsibility for myself, as well as compromise him and his process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe all my partner’s reactions to be true and real and about me, as in, a statement of who I am. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into submission within me, bringing myself down due to fear, and thus allowing another to define me, instead of asserting myself as who I Am, as a living statement of Who I Am, with only silence within me and speaking words as me- asserting myself as Who I Am within and as every word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit not only my actions and behaviours, but also my self-direction as what I will do in my life, within the belief that I needed either approval, or to convince the other to want to do the same thing, instead of realizing that each will do what they decide, based on what is best for them, and I will base my decisions on what’s best for me AND for all, as me, because I can only decide for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbor resent towards another, because I blamed him for the fact that I was suppressing, limiting and compromising myself, instead of realizing that I was doing it to myself, as myself, as who I had/have accepted and allowed myself to become each time I submitted, each time I judged, each time I stopped myself from speaking/doing/being, slowly over time I created myself as something less-than who I actually am.

My Fits

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to leave because I think/believe/perceive it will change my internal experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to leave because I don’t want to face me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid facing me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to avoid facing standing up alone, without my relationship as a comfort/safety/security blanket where I can hide from myself and from standing up because within the perception I have created of ‘relationship,’ everything is ‘ok.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I need  another to stand with me, in a relationship of equality first, before I stand within my current situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I need someone to always ‘be there for me’ as I face difficult things in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define getting a job, doing online classes, and creating ’a life’ as difficult.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that ‘I have nothing’ if I don’t have a ‘perfect relationship’ (as I have defined it on my terms) with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in order to appease another, and to portray myself in a certain light, due to my fear of not being accepted, instead of accepting myself as I am despite the opinions and beliefs of those around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to be ‘right,’ instead of seeing, understanding and facing what it is I am resisting/resistant to/towards.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist applying myself in my own life and justifying it by using the excuse that the relationship has to work first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed because I argued self-dishonestly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue for my limitations within justifying and validating my resistances, and then experiencing embarrassment because I built the idea perception or belief that I am right, I have the answers and thus the solutions should be reached on ‘my terms.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anyone ‘owes’ me because of all the compromising I have done ‘for the relationship’, which was really all about me, and the dependence I had on the comfort and security of the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to leave the relationship to avoid facing me within the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that everything is being done out of spite, instead of realizing that this just means that I allow spite within and as me, and thus project it on to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed spite to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself as spite on to another in an attempt to figure out the actions/words of another, instead of realizing that I can only ever figure out my starting point within my actions and words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for the behavior of another towards me, and then compromised and punished myself for it, by further suppressing, submitting and devaluing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately blame myself when something ‘feels’ wrong, by thinking/believing/perceiving that ‘I’m bad,” instead of investigating through writing, to see where I need to stand and where I need to check my ego and manipulation tactics.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to leave a relationship to be able to do what I have to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I have to leave in order to be able to do what I have to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive I need to ask permission and make sure it’ ok before I do something for me, or to put myself first, or exercise self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang on to who my partner ‘used to be,’ or the idea I created of who he is/was, and then projecting that into the future, instead of looking at the reality of the situation in the moment, from moment to moment, and directing myself within each moment with self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that to take complete self-responsibility in every moment allows me to see the reality of the situation, and what need to be said and done more clearly.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that I am only dealing with my own mind within my internal reactions of thoughts/ideas/reactions/beliefs, and therefore, only absolute self-responsibility can get me through while standing stable, as well as stop me from abusing myself and my partner.

When and as I see that I am limiting or compromising myself within and as fear of the reactions of another, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the moment within the realization that only self-honesty in the moment will allow me to walk without compromising myself and the other, and will thus then lead to solutions to the problems we have I have been accepting and allowing myself to cycle through, over and over, my whole life.

I commit myself to standing up within my relationship, and without my relationship, until I prove to me that I do not depend on a relationship to stand.

I commit myself to live the realization that I determine and decide me, and no one else can do that for me.

I commit myself to assert myself in every moment, and I commit myself to admit that I ‘m wrong when I know I am wrong, and to take responsibility for myself within being wrong, by stopping the behavior/idea/perception/belief, and changing.

Day 23 - I Am Dependent Upon People Being Dependent Upon Me (mother-syndrome?)

For the past two days I have been living the consequences of the fact that I have grown to be and become dependent upon others being dependent upon me. This one took me by surprise, because I never thought of myself as dependent upon others, but rather a very independent person that enjoys being alone and can be alone in life. However, recently someone who had been dependent upon me emotionally in the past, has stood up from within that dependence. I was really surprised by my reactions to this, and after I finally decided to talk to that person about it, we realized that I too had become dependent.

             How and why did I become dependent? The how is a little more difficult because it will have been something I developed over many years throughout many relationships. But never before has someone withdrawn like this from me, therefore I never had to face it within myself.

     In terms of Why, the most obvious thing that I can see right now is that it’s safe; meaning, it’s safe for me to enter into relationships where the person is dependent upon me, because the more dependent they are, the less likely they will leave me/hurt me/judge me etc…

     So I’m just going to start doing some self-forgiveness on this point I have identified in order that I may dig a little deeper, see it more clearly and expend upon it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire people to be/become dependent upon me, so that they are less likely to hurt me, leave me, judge me, etc....

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people hurting me, leaving me, judging me, etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt, left and judged when someone is no longer dependent upon me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base much of my self-definition within the dependence upon me that I encourage people in my world to develop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become dependent upon others being dependent upon me.

Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to encourage people in my world to be/become dependent upon me within self-interest, because it creates a ‘safer’ friendship/relationship for me, instead of seeing and realizing that no one can hurt me in terms of emotioanl pain, only I can manifest beliefs, attachments, separation etc... in which I allow me to be hurt by others as I allow me to hurt myself.

Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire friendships/relationships that make me feel safe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people will hurt me, leave me, judge me, etc… because I have hurt myself, judged myself and abandoned myself already.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt myself, judge myself and abandon myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt myself by suppressing me out of fear of being hurt, left, abandoned, judged, made fun of etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself by not looking within me to see where I am missing me in terms of suppression, neglecting myself as who I am and what I need, and leaving myself as I pursue a sense of self in the dependency others may develop upon me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself when others withdraw their dependence upon me, because I no longer feel needed/wanted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous of the things others do without me, and the people others spend time with instead of doing things and spending time with me, because I think/believe/perceive that they are having more fun without me, or that they enjoy the other people more than they enjoy me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in jealousy because I am comparing myself in separation to the people and events others are participating with and within.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others and then go into inferiority, placing the other above me because I am no longer depended upon, which makes me feel unwanted.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to understand that I need to develop me and my own self and independence in order to stand alone as a whole, so that I can stand together as a whole with everyone and all that is here as equal wholes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire others to feel bad for me in order to confirm my self-pity and justify the energetic experience of self-pity that I create and manifest for myself when I am no longer depended upon.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire others to experience the hurt, abandonment and judgment I create for myself and allow myself to participate within and as and experience, as a point of spite or vindication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as spite.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing spite to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as vindication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing vindication to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within self-pity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-pity to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the behavior of others within a starting point of ‘taking it personally,’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that each is in their own process, and I am only and can only be responsible for myself and my experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the pattern or habit of depending on others dependence upon me because it fulfills me in ways that I have not allowed me to fulfill myself, such as security, being needed, being wanted, being loved, being reassured and being made to feel ‘special.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear another realizing that I am not special, and I am not what others may have thought I am, because I am not ‘special’ or better than anyone, I am equal to everyone and all that’s Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being an equal for fear that if I am not ‘special’ or ‘better-than’ then I will be abandoned.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire someone outside of me to make me feel secure, needed, wanted, loved and reassured.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to feel special in a world where we are all equal, and no one is special, because everyone is of equal value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to think/believe/perceived that I am more valued or have more value than others, by manipulating others to value me more, through creating, encouraging or manipulating them to be or become dependent upon me.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to value myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret that I have never valued myself as Who I Am, and in that have created self-hate, as I have negleced me and searched for my value within others and within love.

I see, realize and understand that it is not too late, that every breath is an opportunity to change, to stand up and to gift me back to myself as self-love, self-acceptance and self-worth.

            This is bringing up a memory I have, wherein I felt the same way when I was younger, wherein I was jealous over a boy who ended up dating my best-firend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring up the past so that I can re-experience an emotional experience that I allowed myself to participate within and from ‘back then,’ which I then used to define myself as inferior, unwanted, unspecial and insecure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself upon past memories, which led me to create a dependence upon others being dependent upon me as a defense mechanism to never feel inferior, unwanted, unspecial and insecure again. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility to myself, by developing a pattern within relationships, wherein I create dependency instead of standing up from within these emotional experience as a statement of Who I Am. But instead, I believed the experience to be Who I Am. I stop this pattern by deleting this memory, I refuse to re-live it over and over again, as it is in the past. It is forgiven, I will change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my inner emotional experience to be Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the past memory of jealousy and hurt to the definition of myself and Who I Am in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by defining myself by this memory instead of taking responsibility for myself in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to overcompensate for myself in order to ‘prove’ that ‘I am fine’ and ‘I don’t care,’ instead of breathing myself Here with no reaction because I am standing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a the personality suit of ‘I’m fine, I’m great, nothing is wrong’ because in reality I am hiding the fact that I am making something wrong by participating within the experiences of self-pity, inferiority, unwantedness, unloved, regected, etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the polarity of feeling hurt/feeling great, instead of breathing Here in stability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I need to be extra fun and enjoyable in order to compete with others who I am jealous of/threatened by, within and as separation from them, as I see the true nature of myself as a competitive being wanting to survive, when it is really only my ego that I'm competing for, because Who I Am as Life is Here, and I don't need to compete, and I refuse to perpetuate this system of competition we all live in, by allowing it to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel threatened by another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that another can threaten me as Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to another by placing my self-worth in my ability to compete with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt about others being/becoming dependent upon me, because now that I have realized that I am equaliy dependent, I now see how it ‘feels’ to be dependent upon another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous because of the thought/perception/belief that I created that another has received vindication for ‘making me’ feel/experience the way they have felt/experienced themselves with regards to their dependence upon me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have developed a dependence upon another instead of depending upon myself to be there for me, because I am the only one who can do that for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am being punished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react  in anger /fear/victimization/self-pity at the thought of another ‘punishing me’ for their dependence upon me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that it is my fault that another has become dependent upon me, instead of realizing that I don’t control anyone but me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing another to control me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to another by accepting and allowing them to abuse me, instead of realizing that I create the abuse and I decide whether or not to participate within and as it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that another can abuse me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to abuse myself in order to justify my inner experience that ‘I have been hurt.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my inner experience above my actual physical self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret my behavior, and to think/believe that I should always be there for others, instead of realizing that this only perpetuates the pattern of others becoming dependent upon me, instead of standing as a pillar of self-support, wherein I support others to stand alone as well, by not accepting or allowing any dependence to form, either from me or the other.

When and as I see that I am reacting within jealousy, self-pity, spite or vidnication towards another because they have withdrawn their dependence upon me, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that as an equal, I support the independent growth and stability of all those around me, as I support the growth and stability of myself.

I commit myself to support those around me to realize themselves by supporting myself to realize myself.

I commit myself to being and becoming a whole and independent being that is capable of standing alone.