The FEAR of Being ALONE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the words

I Am Alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when

I am alone, nobody sees me,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when

I am alone, nobody cares for me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when

I am alone, nobody can feel me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when

I am alone, nobody understands me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when

I am alone, nobody knows what I am going through. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire for

people to just leave me alone. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire to be left

alone, for no one to come near me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire to be

by myself, to be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I want to

be left alone, or to be alone.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a deep-seated,

all-encompassing ‘volcanic’-eruptive fear to build within me in relation to the word ‘alone’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I really

in fact want to be alone. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that

behind the want, need and desire to be left alone, to not want to be around people,

to not like people, to not like the world, the belief that everything is fucked up, is actually

a cry for help, a cry for someone to care, for someone to listen, for someone to understand

and for someone to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a physical, addictive

desire to have someone come and embrace the entirety of who I am inside myself, for

someone to almost fit inside all that I am and make sense for me of who I am, what I am

experiencing, why I am experiencing it.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone

with/within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself and others within

the apparent ‘want’ to be alone, as a manipulation tactic as a way to seek attention to not

be alone, to get energy and experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as this cry for

attention, for someone to see me, for someone to understand me, for someone to

LOVE me, for someone to be with me for the REST of my life , instead of seeing,

realizing and understanding that it is all in an attempt to fill the void, to not have to face

the fact that I have not developed that relationship with myself completely yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the responsibility onto

another being to see me, to understand me, to love me, to embrace all of me, to explain

me to me, instead of being that and giving that to myself.

I forgive myself that I have used and abused ‘wanting to be left alone’/not wanting

support/help/not wanting to be comforted and consoled as a manipulation tactic/reverse

psychology to attract people to me, to make people want to do and be that for me, instead

of being self-honest about what I actually want and need, which is not to be alone, and also

to have a better relationship with myself.

 

Day 206 - I Taught Myself How to Make A Real Decision

After having created a life of consequence in the form of debt, health problems, addiction, wasted work experience, and isolation, I made one of the most important decisions of my life. It was a decision for myself alone at first, where I stood solid and firm as the decision-maker, in complete and raw self-honesty. I decided that I was going to stop living in such a way where the outflows of my choices, actions and decisions were that of consequence and self-diminishment and instead start the process of making decisions that would create myself as a better human being.

I saw that I had to do this for myself first, but that as a result I would be a better version of myself for those in my reality and thus, be a better human being in this world. I wrote out a list of self-commitments, such as:

"I commit myself to take complete self-responsibility for the decision that I make, and to stand within and as the decisions that I make, so that they are MY decisions.

I commit myself to stop seeking/wanting/needing/desiring validation and approval for the decision that I make.

I commit myself to making decisions and taking action based on the principles I decide to stand by, and not based on what’s easiest or what I’m in the mood for.

I commit myself to eradicate the fear of failure from my Life."

I also wrote out instructions for myself, guidelines based in principle that I could look to in moments when I would face those moments of wanting to abandon myself within the decision-making process.

Interestingly, when I decided to make decisions in this way, my life literally fell apart. I learned that I had been holding some expectations that things would get better because I was assisting and supporting myself to create a better self. What I hadn't considered was the fact that my entire reality had been built upon a habitual and patterned foundation of character, and now that I was changing myself at this foundational level, all the structures I had built upon it were crumbling.

I am grateful for this now though, because I can see now that in order to build the new, I must at the same time let go of the old. The things that I let go of were relationships that I had formed that were not best for me (either changed/altered or left completely), environments/living situations that were not optimal were left and new ones were created, career changes made, addictive substances were removed from my life, and many other changes, both internal and external took place.

Each of these actions of letting-go were a result of my new decision-making process. Each one taking away hiding places, dependencies and escape or avoidance mechanisms. This left me squarely in the face of the reality of myself. From this position I had to face many of my own weaknesses (strengths in the making!), I had to make many mistakes (mis-takes), and I had to step up or step out. Herein, another important decision: I chose (and continue to choose) to step up, I want to play, I am here to participate fully.

In my next post I will share how I dug myself out of the hole that was left, and began to build something almost entirely new.


To find out how I got here, read my previous blog: The Day I Realized I Had A Profound Inability to Make Decisions For Myself

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living is an online community of people interested in
discovering and developing their utmost potential
eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.
Self and Living – Practical Living Support To Live to Your Utmost Potential
DIP Lite – Free Online Course to get you started with learning the Tools of Self Support
DIP PRO -A Desteni Course for those Ready to Walk the Journey of a Lifetime