Day 325 – The Promise of Justice

The world is not fair, life is not fair, there is no such thing as fairness nor a just reward. There is only equality, input and output, you get what you deserve, equal to what you have given, whether you know and understand it or not. You may only understand when you finally receive as you have given, whether it’s good or bad. Don’t lie to yourself, be honest with yourself, and see how you have created your life exactly as it is right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat others as I would never want to be treated, in terms of my backchat, the thoughts I have, the judgments I make, and even if I don’t act on it, I see it and realize it is going on inside of me and accept and allow it through my participation in it without fully understanding how I created it through willful ignorance before fully understanding the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of directing or being direct, go into backchat and judgment about another’s points they are facing as it comes through in their behaviour, not seeing and realizing that I don’t fully understand their behaviour when I am not completely self- honest with myself and so cannot direct it, support it or direct myself within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a bitch to energy, instead of being a bitch that stands for Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know what I am capable of, yet refuse to live it, because I always want to be learning, learning instead of doing and being, choosing instead to be the perpetual student learning lessons for fear of stepping up and stepping out and being real, being me as I know I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself ,Kim, refuse to take responsibility for what I see, out of fear of how others will react to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire to be the perfect system person that accommodates everyone, instead of acting on what I see is common sense instantly, and to be the motherfucker I know I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that motherfucker in me. I see and realize that it took a dog to attack my partner and pierce her leg, for me to see the motherfucker in me, the beast in me in how I can scream at someone, yell at and destroy them, yet I fear to be the same in basic daily points, and therefore I have accepted and allowed absolute consequence for me to stand up from, instead of seeing and realizing the point of prevention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to manipulate my reality, to care for me to the point where my reality shows no care and I become the only point that has to stand up to care, real care, and because of my manipulation to care I have caused the problem only to be cared for when I know I have had enough care, and I should instead LIVE REAL care for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist open self forgiveness with another, because I fear it exposing me and where I have hidden myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself within self-forgiveness as being a personal point and not an open point, and therefore I have resisted seeing myself with another/others openly through hiding myself within self forgiveness as being a personal ‘private’ point.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have hidden my absolute power as seeing and understanding from others, and the gift I have to give openly without fear, through hiding and justifying why I cannot do self forgiveness openly, and expose myself to all Life. and within that have diminished myself to hide and always feel hidden to never have a voice, yet I see and realize the moment I can speak my self forgiveness openly for all to see, my voice becomes equal and one, open and for all to see, with no fear, because I know who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a motherfucker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a bitch and a motherfucker.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be a bitch and a motherfucker for what the fuck is best for all, seeing each individual point that will flourish within speaking and exposing what is here as who I am because I know myself, and I want to honour myself.

Your Secrets Keep You Sick (Your Lies Keep You Alive)

 

"No one gets through Life unscathed"  - this was a line channelled through me from my former business coach. Once he revealed to me he was a channel I insisted he channel for me in one of our coaching sessions. He agreed, and started typing, writing me out better than I had ever written myself out before. This line has always stuck with me, because I realized, if you are alive, you will experience abuse. You will experience betrayal, you will be scarred, wounded and hurt in some way. It reminds me of a passage in Shakespeare's soliloquy from Hamlet, describing how a great many would choose death over enduring the wrath that Life can deal, within the belief that anything is better than this earthly experience:

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come"

If I am honest with myself I can see that ever since I was a child I have been a victim to life. By simply absorbing the "slings and arrows" and the "thousand natural shocks" that all flesh is heir to. By burying the hurts that happened 'to me' deep down, and holding the belief that I simply can not make it in this world. I am a victim. I am disempowered. I cannot do it. And in this way, it is like choosing death. Death without actually dying. Death as Not Living, as merely surviving until actual death comes. And along the way, with bits and spurts of empowerment, where I believed I could achieve something through my actions, when it did not turn out as I had planned, it would validate the apparent inadequacy and reconfirm the limiting self-beliefs. And it's still there. I can feel it in the fiber of my being, like a stubborn stoppage that needs to be proved wrong thousands upon thousands of times before I'd consider letting it go. It's like a safety net as a hesitation before each action, which becomes manipulation as a way to get what one wants and needs in Life, within the belief that this is the only way.

Although with Desteni, the tools and support from others, along with embracing the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" as Life's way of teaching, the "thousand natural shocks" as Life's way of shocking us out of our programming, so long as we are willing to accept it - I have learned that I do not need this anymore. That I can be direct and up front about what I want and need. I can go for it even if it means disrupting my reality and others within it, so long as there exists the agreement that they can also be direct and upfront about what they want and need. It takes some courage and balls, especially when you start exploring the outer boundaries of wants and needs, and finding that the quest for satisfaction can be insatiable, unquenchable, and you have to come to the realization that satisfaction comes as a decision of when enough is enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others within a perception and belief that it is necessary to do so in order to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my actions manipulatively within what I hold as a secret formula for survival, where each action must have some kind of future pay off that will come back to and benefit me, but instead of being open and honest with myself about the starting point of my actions, I delude myself with that false perception that the actions are altruistic and benevolent, knowing deep down that this is a lie I beLIEve is keeping me aLIEve, while I keep the reality of me a secret which is held within the self-delusion that nobody can know if I do not admit it, not even myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the transactional nature of the reality within which I exist, where I think and believe I have to live up to some form of absolute and unconditional altruism, judging anything transactional as ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’, ‘greedy’, ‘selfish’, ‘self-interested’ and ‘not best for all’, without seeing and realizing that such transactions can benefit everyone involved, and the transactional nature of this reality can be purified if it is done openly, honestly, in agreement and understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself into my own lies by thinking and believing only unconditional altruism is acceptable, while at the same time seeing and realizing that this is an impossible standard, but instead of getting real about truth and reality, I move into deception and lies, putting up an ‘altruistic front’, while in the background/secret mind knowing there is self-interest, there is expectation, there is payment due.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my actions and behaviours in order to try and attempt to manipulate my reality into ‘getting something in return for my efforts’, thus creating within me an expectation of a certain outcome from my world and reality where – if that outcome is not achieved, I feel abused by life, the world, reality and others within it, within the justification and excuse of ‘look at all and everything that I’ve done – now give me what’s mine, what I deserve” - all based on an idea or fantasy I had created of what my actions would bring or create in return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others, myself, life, existence and reality when I do not get what I believe is my ‘just reward’ for ‘what I have done’ to ‘deserve’ it when in fact the entire formula had been created in my mind alone, with an exact desired result, without considering others, who they are, the nature of existence, reality and life, and without considering Who I Am within those actions, but only looking at the actions themselves and the payback reward I hold as an expectation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and others or life for what happens ‘to me’ in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into resentment and anger about the things that happen in my life, thus accepting and allowing myself to become smaller and weaker, instead of learning from the things that happen in my life, and using them to become stronger, wiser, more understanding and thus – able to understand and support others as me – from victim to empowered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take full self-responsibility for what happens to me in life, in my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest with myself about how I create my life, my reality and how what happens ‘to me’ is a direct result of who and how I have been and have lived, equal and one as input/output.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest about my input as me into my life/Life, so that I can then apply self-honesty and purify my input, thus purifying my output and the life I create for myself and others in awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself instead of being honest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and then hide from my own self-judgment by creating a false perception of myself according to what I define as ‘good’, ‘acceptable’, ‘worthy’, acting only in ways I deem as ‘good’, ‘acceptable’ and ‘worthy’ as actions of self-manipulation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exhaust myself and kill myself in a try and attempt to be ‘perfect’, living the lie that I am ‘perfect’ as every action is judged and assessed as ‘perfect’ which should bring ‘perfection’ into my life as what I fantasize as what perfection and life ‘should be’ according to my desires, thinking and believing that this is what is holding in place my survival, “keeping me alive” as obtaining my desires, desired outcome as if energetic desires was life, and without them “I die”, not seeing and realizing that only myself as my ego fears ‘not obtaining my desires’ as energy to feed myself as my mind/ego to continue. Within this,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny reality, simplicity, and the physicality of Life and what one actually needs to live here and to Live Here, placing myself into ‘survival’ as my ego trying to survive, instead of living, simply, Here as physical needs, which includes living words of ‘trust’ – lived physically, ‘love’ – lived physically, ‘support’ - lived physically, ‘care’ - lived physically, and so on, identifying physical needs and finding ways to live them physically as acts of true care, for others as myself, as giving as I would like to receive.