Be Nice

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be nice as a form of fitting in, of maintaining the status quo, of satisfactorily meeting other people's expectations, and not rippling the water of peaceful platitudes between people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the experience of 'niceness' where it is this sickly-sweet, exhausting sensation that I cannot sustain, so when I begin relationships from the starting point of 'being nice' and meeting all the expectations of 'niceness', I then cannot sustain the relationship for very long, and the relationship ends, and any chance for potential ends.

I forgive myself that I hhavn't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that being 'nice' comes from a starting point of survival and lack.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in 'niceness' in order to get a 'nice' response from my environment, which then doses me and my body with a positive energy high of acceptance and validation, that I have acheived 'normalcy' and honouring the status quo, when the status quo in this world is actually in fact evil and nothing in this world is normal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to honour 'niceness' instead of Real-ness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Realness, and run to the comfort and security of 'niceness'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire to make all relationships and interactions between people 'nice', as in 'comfortable and 'secure', instead of being real within the realization that most people are nice, but they are not OK. Most people are not OK, and being nice gives no space to open up and become intimate about how and why we are not OK, which means that being 'nice'prohibits our access to solutions and forward movement. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in 'niceness' as a 'paving over' problematic foundations with a beautiful cover, covering up and hiding all the faults beneath it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my Realness and rawness, to pass over a lifetime of experience, and smoothe it all out to appear as 'nice', when in fact, it is the bumps and crags as mistakes, failures and learning that give the most value, and smoothing them over with 'niceness'is like deleting Life Value that serves to support self and others through the lessons and solutions that can be shared. 

Sharing Self-Honesty

To understand what self-honesty is, if you are not clear, please read this desteni-wiki article.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, as who I really am deep down, before the corrections and adjustments and actions, but Who I really am, unfiltered and raw. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and judge my self-honesty, and so project that others will also fear and judge my self-honesty if I were to share it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my self-honesty, even from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that self-honesty can be 'hidden', instead of seeing and realizing that 'hiding' self-honesty is actually just being dishonest and manipulative - we are always aware of our self-honesty, if we only slow down and look. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed dishonesty and manupulation to become so natural that it 'seems' like my self-honesty is hidden, when it is in fact only being instantly suppressed.

I forgive myself for not seeing and realizing that if I don't expose my self-honesty to myself, then I can not work with the reality of me, which would render my self-forgiveness and my living process pointless, because I would be working with lies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see and realize that if I do not share my self-honesty with myself, then I am making the statement that I do not believe I can change. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear when others expose my self-honesty to me when they see it in moments unexpectedly, which catches me off-guard and makes me feel out-of-control of the image I present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and need to control how others perceive me, instead of acknowledging my self-honesty, taking self-responsibility for it, and changing it to what is best. 

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I deny my self-honesty, I cannot change. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have integrated survival and lack into Who I Am to such a degree that I feel I have to have complete control in order to survive. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condemn my child and children in my life to integrating fear and survival if I do not correct the point and face my own self-honesty as Who I Am currently, so that I can become the better version of me as a living example for them to integrate and become the best versions of themselves. 

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that it is only the survival of my ego as self-interest that I am protecting when I want to 'hide'/suppress or deny my self-honesty. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT live the confidence in my ability to change and to stand when I fear sharing my self-honesty with myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have the courage to be self-honest in every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to filter my self-honesty when someone asks me a question, and to instead answer in a way that I would like the answer to be, and not what the answer actually is.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I share my self-honesty, I can immediately give myself a correction through seeing, realizing and understanding the truth of me, and in that, be able to also support others to correct themselves. 

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that if I don't share my self-honesty and am not aware of it, I am a fraud, a fiction and am living in pretense instead of living the reality of me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself real intimacy and connecting, to myself and others, when I do not share my self-honesty. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back from sharing my self-honesty with everyone, including my self, because self-honesty cannot be shared with everyone - but instead of discerning those that I can share with and those that I cannot, I instead shut everyone, including myself, out of my self-honesty and hide it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that of I share my self-honesty, it will be used against me. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that if I believe my self-honesty can 'be used against me', then I am making the statement to myself that it is who I am completely and I cannot change, thus actually condemning myself to who I am and have become as the automated programs of the mind that were passed down to me, and which I will continue to pass down so long as I fear sharing my self-honesty. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself access to life as I deny myself access to myself through not exposing my self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in creating a world where it is not safe to share self-honestly. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in creating a world of pretense where everyone can 'get away with' pretending to be something, while who I really am and what really directs me is left unseen beneath the surface to create destructive consequence in my life and the lives of everyone around me, where it could have instead been creating a life of best potential, for myself and everyone around me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself the ability to live my best potential, and to be my best self for others because I refuse to share my self-honesty. 

I commit myself to develop the self-confidence to face my self-honesty, by sharing my self-honesty and walking it through to change. 

I commit myself to change from fearing and judging my self-honesty, to instead objectively sharing my self-honesty so that I can support myself and recieve support from others to be able to change for real. 

When and as I see myself hiding or denying my self-honesty, I stop and I breath. I bring myself back to self-confidence and self-realization by reminding myself that I am only condemned to the current version of myself if I do not admit and share what that current version actually is. 

The Devouring Mother

I'm sharing this video and my perspectives on it for any mothers that are going through the point of pushing their child's independence/self-sufficiency and autonomy. 

In walking this point of mothering for myself for a while now, I have seen many points come up in me, points which I know are about me, and NOT the child. The primary context within which to confront this 'issue' is to take responsibility/self-responsibility in seeing that no matter what comes from the child, they are never to blame, and never to be on the receiving end of any emotional reaction the parent might go through. The child is coming from a point of absolute innocence, their out-put is a result of the input from their environment and the influences and forces within it.  Their responsibility/self-responsibility will come later, once they've learned and once they know better. 

In terms of my experience, I am in a very cool position of first walking this point with a child that is not my biological son - this means, I do not have that history of bearing him and raising him from a newborn, which is where a lot of the programming that blinds us, the chemistry behind the bonds is released into our systems, almost addicting us to our newborn infants - those years where our parenting personalities, self-definitions, and all the mind-points sprout and take root. I am not immune to any of it, but I can see myself more clearly than if I had borne him, as the blind spots were not yet in place. I also have a partner that has been through it and can guide me, I can thus navigate the terrain a little more clearly and prevent a lot of the common pitfalls before blindly falling into them. For example, I can clearly SEE, when I take a step back from doing something for the child in my life, that I feel guilty as if I am causing him unnecessary suffering, I feel bad/sorry for him when he struggles, his pain feels like my pain, and  have been trained to avoid pain, I feel good and fulfilled when I do things for him, as if I am fulfilling my purpose. It sometimes feels 'counter-intuitive' to have him do things on his own, and I have to literally restrain myself to NOT step in and do it for him - the programming is there and is being activated, but I have more 'wiggle room' to make a clearer decision about how to direct the points as the programming has not yet taken root into my behaviour.

However, now I have a child of my own, and will be walking the point first-hand. Even with all the lessons and understanding in place, living a point in reality will always present the same challenges with the same intensity as it is REAL, and you have to work in real-time. It's not just knowledge and information that you can slow down, fast-forward, rewind and isolate. 

Looking at the point self-honestly, I first notice that all of the activated programming as the feelings and emotions are all about how *I* feel, they form MY internal experience. This means that if I blindly follow them as the ultimate 'truth', that I am not looking practically at what is best for the child in the long-term. Sometimes the child will ask me to do something for him that he can do himself, and he'll even give me reasons why I should do it, or go into a self-defeat just to get me to do the thing for him. In these cases I have to push even harder to remain patient and encourage/support him to take over, I have to push through my own internal emotional reactions and 'instincts' at the same time as walking him through breaking down his own walls and self/limitations, to 'fight' for him and show him what he is really capable of.

When the child does find success on his own, and when he does things for himself, we BOTH see his confidence grow. I get to see him become proud of himself, valuing himself and beaming with that look of self-satisfaction and contentment - that reminds me that it is so worth it to let go of myself and support the child to develop himself fully.

The "Devouring Mother"  is the mother that goes a step beyond falling into her programming - she does it intentionally. She'll do everything for her child as they get older, devouring the child's autonomy and ability to become independent. The Devouring Mother is essentially setting herself and her child up to create an 'adult infant' to fulfill the mother's wants and needs as long as she lives, as she is  creating a child that will and can never leave her.

I would like to add to what Jordan Peterson shares in this video by suggesting that the Devouring Mother is directly related to the mother's relationship with herself. I will explain why and how, and the benefits of sorting her self-relationship out so that she does not destroy and devour her child, creating that Freudian nightmare

Now that I have a newborn in my life, it has become so much easier when Cesar ('step-son') does things for himself. I can see how when I was completely available to him, I may give in more easily, or move more slowly on the point of him developing his abilities to do things on his own. I learned very quickly first-hand the dedication, commitment and repetition it takes to teach a child what may seem like simple things to do, maintain and remember. It is a LOT, and it feels as though everything is against you when you push for it - your programming, the child's will, not having the adequate developed vocabulary and understanding within self or the child,  time and life in the system, practicality etc... Nowadays it helps a lot when Cesar is not only more self-sufficient, but can actually help me by fetching things or giving me an extra hand, and he seems to like it. It gives him purpose, value in the group, equality and empowerment, and he sees he is helpful and useful instead of feeling in constant need of others.

I was the younger sibling in my childhood, and I remember how it felt to take that leap from looking for help versus doing things on my own. I only cut the final ties in my mid-twenties! There was a resistance and a laziness present, which I could feel but did not have the words for. It stemmed from a belief that I could not do things on my own, feelings of disempowerment, from trying and failing and not seeing things through to the end in not pushing myself until I succeeded. I could sense, even as a child, that when I fought for 'help', I was fighting for dependency and fighting for my own limitations. There is a sense of 'ugliness' to it, I felt like a burden, and even at that young age I could see deep down that it was not serving me nor anyone else in my environment. Yet at the same time, I felt like I was getting away with something, getting 'off the hook', having it easy, and this also fed the laziness and resistance, unfortunately making it stronger in me. 

Children are quite perceptive like this, they are aware of what they are feeling, but they do not yet have the vocabulary to define it for themselves - this is why they cannot work with the point and cannot direct it. The parent's role moves from doing everything for their infant, to then teaching and directing the growing child to become capable, able and self-sufficient. For me in my childhood, having not really pushed the point, it led to things becoming more difficult for me in my life in later years. It is the responsibility of the parent to educate the child and give the child the words and understanding to describe what is going on within themselves. Oftentimes, the parent themselves has not developed the insight to do this, because it is how they were taught (or not taught), and it was how they experienced themselves and did not correct themselves in their growing up years. When we do this we end up learning through life lessons and consequences, leading more burdened and complicated life circumstances than was necessary. Rather put in the effort to support the child while they are young, before the resistance, procrastination and laziness have really taken root, when there is more plasticity - this is when it is ideal for the parent to really push themselves and give it their all.

Now that I'm in the position of having a baby, I can see more clearly where I've catered to Cesar too much (this is where physical feedback shows you where to focus and correct). In most cases, it is a case of a mother's good intentions gone 'bad' (as in, not what's best for everyone involved). I can easily justify why I did things the way I did, how it was necessary given the circumstances, how I saw it as best at the time, and it may have been - but none of this negates when there are points to be corrected in the present moment and situation, regardless of how or why they are there. This is where self-forgiveness plays a big role. We can forgive, release, let go and correct from where we are NOW, and not bring in the past as justifications and excuses.

I believe this point does not get the attention it deserves, because if left unchecked, over-protectiveness and excess compassion can become very big detriments to the child. It gets overlooked because when you observe it happening, it looks very 'nice', even 'heartwarming', like a caring and helpful mother tending to her child's every need. It can also be experienced this way by both the mother and the child, so it is difficult to identify it in the moment, and oftentimes you'll only see the detriment later in down the road, in hindsight. 

Pushing a child's self-sufficiency is often hard to do, like a mother bird pushing the baby out of the nest, it seems 'harsh'. Within this, we have to remember that Real Care often hurts. It is, at the same time, encouraging, gentle and embracing - but there is a quality of 'growing pains' to it. It has to feel 'bad' for a moment in order to serve as a reminder as to why the thing needs to change. It also involves pushing beyond comfort zones and perceived limitations, and a child will not always do this willingly of for himself. It doesn't feel 'good'.

In the video above, Peterson explains very well the dangers of "excess compassion" coming from mothers towards their children. There is so much talk in social media about "masculine toxicity", but you rarely hear about "feminine toxicity" and how this overprotective nature can fatally undermine a child. This creates a society not of REAL men and women, but of emotionally dependant, reactive, easily offended 'adult infants'. 

As women, we are nurturers naturally, but we are also adult human beings. Having been through child rearing before, my partner has talked at length with me about 'life after Celest' (my newborn) - because right now, the role of caring for a newborn is so fulfilling, so purposeful and so rewarding, that I can see the temptation to want to make it last forever. But as soon as Celest can crawl, this role is going to slowly change from her complete and utter dependency, to beginning that process of boundary-setting, developing independence and autonomy and everything that comes with that. After that, childhood, and then a teen... And within this, even though it seems so far away, I will still have a life after Celest's infanthood. What would I like to be doing then? How do I want to support myself? How would I like my body to be? I have to look at these questions now so that I set myself up as best as I can for a successful transition when the time comes. If I do not focus on myself in these ways, Celest will become my whole world, and this is too much responsibility for a child - it is not their job to be this, and they I'll be flooded and suffocated in the most 'beautiful' and 'nice' ways if the mother neglects to maintain herself and her self-relationship.

So many women let go of their bodies and/or their sexuality for example, when they become mothers. I experienced this immediately after Celest's birth while I was in recovery and had this tiny little newborn in my care: my body was only a life-giving machine and nothing else. I saw this whole new expression coming from me and I loved it! But as time passed, I had to ask myself if I truly wanted to give up the other aspects of my expression, my body, my self, my individuality and my 'personhood', and my answer was that I did not. Fitness, my ability to do things, my sexual expression (and this goes way beyond the act of sex, which is just one small aspect of sexuality), and all the non-child-rearing aspects of my woman-ness I endeavoured to hold as equally important parts of me as my ability to be a mother. I decided I would embrace the new expression, AND maintain what I already had developed as a woman without a child. This is something I can't forget or lose sight of, even at this early stage. It's not to act on it all at once, no, but rather to keep it in my awareness and bring it in (in moments) when the time comes. This is how I tend to my relationship with myself so that it does not fall on Celest to be anything FOR me, but to rather become her OWN woman, where, when she is older, her and I will be equals, and she may even surpass me in many ways. This is the main reason why Celest will know me as Kim, and not 'mom'. I do not want to impose roles or a hierarchy onto our relationship. I do not want her to be bound to me or feel she needs to do or be something she is not because of me or our relationship.

In the video, Peterson explains that if we immerse ourselves too completely into the nurturing nature of the mother, where that becomes our ONLY role, that we can end up essentially destroying our children. I posit that we would destroy ourselves in the process as well. For the child, the mother has condensed all of herself into this one role and one purpose of protecting and nurturing an infant,  when the child displays signs of autonomy and independence, it becomes a threat to the mother, as it threatens her role, purpose and self-definition. In order to protect this, she will do everything for her child. She is keeping her child as an 'infant', which Peterson describes as raising 'old infants', and how that is an 'ugly' thing (both for the parents and the child). For example, think of an adult temper tantrum, an emotionally unstable adult lashing out: this is an adult infant - he cannot function in the real world, cannot create functional relationships, cannot support himself through the challenges of life, and can actually be dangerous.

Within this, the mother has also undermined herself - with all the 'best intentions' in the world, the mother becomes the epitomy of self-interest, which becomes a subtle and undetectable toxicity -  the child is used to her benefit to fulfill her role, her purpose, her fulfillment and sense of herself, mostly emotionally. She may even replace having a man in her life with having her child remain with her - instead of having kept the relationship with her child practical, as physical actions, and kept her emotional well-being as her own responsibility. In this, the woman can feel purposeless without her child. She can miss out on developing new partnerships, or neglect her current partnership and allow it to deteriorate and fall apart. She can lose parts of her expression she once had, becoming a less dynamic version of herself, and so much more.

In the end, we have to remember that our children do not belong to us, they are their own beings. Our job is to guide and teach them so that they do not need us anymore. Our job is to render ourselves obsolete, so that what is left is an actual equal relationship between two beings. There is no 'need' or dependency, but rather two complete beings together in this life.

The good news that I have learned from my own experience is that there is a lot of 'wiggle room' in terms of too-lateness. It's never really too late to learn, it just becomes more difficult as habits and expectations take root. There is then also more emotional reactions to manage and work through and it takes more time to integrate. But it's ok, there is no such thing as a 'perfect' parent, but there is a perfecting parent, so the point is to never give up. 

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

This is the story of my pregnancy experience. It is continued from:

Giving Birth to My Daughter - Giving Birth to Myself

The Irony of Life 

Unlike what it may appear to be in my previous two parts, this is not a sad story. What I showed myself is the fact that I am a fool in the end, and that this is not a bad thing. As much as my mind wanted me to close myself off from the pain, I knew I would recover, and like a fool, risk it all again. I simply could not be satisfied with the alternative.   

I saw that no matter how hardened and closed off I could become, I have a softness and a vulnerability inside of me that I will never give up on - a part of me that, given the right conditions, would come alive again - and I wanted to live and experience that part of me again. It is not the coldness, the hardness or the closing off that gives me strength - that is actually my weakness showing through. The Real strength; that 'Iron Will' that perseveres through the most difficult of storms... that stuff comes from the soft and vulnerable parts. The forgiving parts.

I would risk emotional pain for that, and I would make some foolish 'mistakes' just to give myself that chance - because I know emotions, no matter how big and powerful they seem, they are not reality, and they pass. I am not a feeling or an emotion, I am Real, and therefor I have the Real power. And even if there are parts of me that are not real and that I have not lived yet, I can still make them Real in my lifetime, more than an emotion can ever be. I would have to move through the pain, the fear, the doubt and uncertainty first. Because regardless of all that determination, I still did not know if I could conceive again, or see a pregnancy through to full term. 

I decided to not allow the situation, or any situation going on in my life for that matter,  to define me in the way my emotional body wanted to. 'Cold', 'detached', 'conditional', 'guarded', 'fearful', 'doubting' - these words were not Me, not something I could stand by or accept and allow myself to live. I  knew that if I ever stop allowing myself to love myself enough to dive head first into my endeavours unconditionally, giving my all, learning from them, becoming better for them and from them, then I will always live in regret.

The truth is, I have left a trail of consequence. But I swear to you, the Best of Each One of us lies on the other side of everything we put ourselves through in Daring to Live, to Care, to Love For Real. And that version of You is Better for YourSelf, Everyone in your Life, and the World as a Whole. And you Free Yourself from the FEARS and the Doubts and everything else, because you've been through it now, you see its power and its pain, but you realize YOU are greater than all of that. I Am Greater than All of That.

And these are the moments when I truly decided to Give Birth again. Only this time it was not just to a baby, but to myself as well.

And so, after what seemed like an eternity, I decided to dive in head first to trying to conceive again. My agreement partner played a large, kind of 'out of this world' yet very real role in this endeavour - working with the reality of the entirety of me, especially those parts of me that were were very hard to look at. There were parts of me, we discovered, that were still saying 'no' to a pregnancy, and because I had so harshly judged and suppressed these parts so deeply, I couldn't necessarily see that this was the case.

Sometimes you need to expose yourself in order to see what you are working with, but that is a very difficult thing to do alone. Sometimes you need someone else to expose your 'shadow self', because otherwise you would keep it hidden from yourself forever.

To be continued...

Every Way But Through

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to celebrate and indulge in positive experiences that are outside of Who I Am, and have very little to do with what and how I've directed myself or what I have created of and as myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in positive energy while my world requires direction and I know I am not being my Best in all ways. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself in response to what I have judged and defined as 'diminishing', and instead of empowering myself, I ease the discomfort through indulging in positive energy in participating in unrelated things and activities. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear empowering myself, because I fear it will cause conflict, and even though I know nothing 'bad' will happen, I fear conflict so extensively that it paralyzes me from expressing what I see and know must be directed. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain a slave to others through playing to their emotional states, instead of freeing myself AND them by not accepting and allowing anything less than the best of who we both/all are.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel responsible for the emotional state of others/another, not seeing and realizing that I am participating in my own emotional self-manipulation in order to keep others 'happy', and not seeing and realizing that I can never make anyone sustainably happy forever - it will be a constant failure and a constant self-sacrifice. 

I forgive myself that I have created a trap, where I feel fearful, trapped and heavy by trying and attempting to be responsible for another's emotional state, and then also fearful, trapped, heavy AND guilty at the thought and idea of not tending to their emotional state. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself by trying and attempting to attain the request put upon me to do certain things and be certain ways in order to 'cheer up' someone outside of myself, where I then take on the impossible task of trying to keep another in a constant state of cheeriness. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I stop tending to the emotions of others, they will become depressed and it will be my fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have taken responsibility for the emotional state of others for so long, that I think and believe that I lost myself in that role, and have forgotten how to do and be any other way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that who I am can be lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself have automated saying the 'nice' thing instead of the REAL thing, thus suppressing that of me that is REAL, and defining that suppression as 'being lost'.

I forgive myself thst I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and my voice and what I see. 

I forgive myself thst I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself, my voice and what I see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-honesty.

The Irony of Life

This blog is continued from my pregnancy story. The first blog can be found here: Giving Birth to my Daughter - Giving Birth to Myself.

I was 19 when I started dating boys. Admittedly, I wasn't making the best choices; I was rebelling and had chosen a partner based on that rebelliousness. He was not the type of guy you would bring home to meet your parents, nor was he the type to stick around and provide a stable life. At that time, I did not have a great appreciation for consequences, and when I accidentally became pregnant with my boyfriend, it was just another addition to the pile of very real-life consequences I was experiencing for the first time. 

At that time, my response to the pregnancy was an absolute and resounding "NO". I felt as though I was still just a child, and there was no way that I could be responsible for a baby. It was as if every cell in my body had unanimously decided that this pregnancy was NOT going to happen. It was so absolute in fact, that not even the slightest whisper or the faintest thought of entertaining the possibility of moving forward with this pregnancy emerged in my mind. It is actually possible that with the sheer will of my "NO", at 19 years old, I miscarried. 

I continued on with this 'NO' for years. I knew I wanted to have a baby at some point, but I wanted my circumstances to be ideal. As it turns out, life rarely gives the ideal circimstances, and years turned into decades. Almost 20 years later (and so 20 years of telling my body 'NO'), I made an agreement to move ahead with trying for a baby. 

At that point, I wasn't even sure if I could conceive because of my age, 40, my history of miscarriage, and having been saying 'no' for so long. But after several months of trying, some of the signs of pregnancy were there, so I took a test.

There is an experience that takes place when a woman is waiting for the results of a pregnancy test. She exists in two realities at the same time, like Schrödinger's paradox. It's like walking the fine edge of a razor blade, with each side being a drastically different outcome; 2 potential plots to her life story. 

I tried very hard to embrace both outcomes, but it was nearly impossible not to have a bias. For me, one plot included words like 'abundance', 'fertility', 'richness', 'purpose' and 'fulfillment', while the other looked more like 'desolate', 'barren', 'loss', 'failure' and 'hopeless'. 

When I got the positive test result, I was elated! In one moment it changed me and a whole new lifepath emerged. In one moment, parts of me came alive, parts of me dropped away, and this entire new life played out in front of me. However, that moment of elation did not last long. I had to confront the sobering reality that this was just the first step, the first hurdle with a long way to go ahead, and that I would have to walk that fine line between the two realities daily, not knowing if it will be viable, or if it will fail. 

It is very difficult to remain Here, present, and not go into hopes and dreams in one moment, fears and doubts in the next when you are a 'high - risk', 'geriatric' pregnancy. I would over-analyze every bodily sensation, movement and pain. I had to bring myself back to breathing so many times daily, remembering that discipline of being Here, in breath. The mind clings so much more easily to the safety and security of fear and doubt - that place where nothing is gained, so nothing is lost. Quelling the doubt was the hardest part of my daily life.

At about 6 weeks in to my pregnancy, I took a trip to the ocean. Over the years, the ocean has become one of my favourite places to be - like a safe haven, a calm place in the storms of life. Even when the ocean is rough and storming itself, there is still a serenity to it just beneath the surface. It's where I've gone to ground myself so many times, to be with myself in the womb-like embrace of mother nature. It is a place of maternal nurturing that gives and accepts unconditionally. 

I walked into the water alone, and in that moment - in that acceptance and embrace of the ocean, with the salt water and ocean air - I finally found the courage and fortitude to let go of the doubt and fear. I was finally able to plunge into an unconditional love and acceptance for the baby inside of me. As the fear, doubt and uncertainty dropped away, it revealed an instant and intense bonding that I had never experienced before. Suddenly, I was no longer just one being, but two. Suddenly I wasn't alone, I was WITH her.  

With a mixture of courage and profound vulnerability, I decided to start showing her the world through my eyes. I was in the perfect place for it, my favourite place, and I said to her, "this is the ocean". And I was with my baby in the ocean. I held my stomach, embracing not only myself, but her now, too. I cried tears of release. I no longer have to hold myself in that stiff and rigid position of safety, constantly protecting myself from pain. I can breathe now, I can let go... 

And then it happened. The irony of Life? In that very moment and within seconds of allowing myself that absolute vulnerability of accepting myself, the child and the situation, I fell to my hands and knees in the shallow water, in pain. My uterus contracted so suddenly and so tightly it took my breath away. The pain gripped me from the inside, feeling like tearing from my lower back and knotting into my abdomen. I could do nothing. I couldn't think - I could only endure it. I could only focus on breathing, and they were heavy, strained breaths. 

I remember finally becoming aware of the rocking of the ocean again, as the pain subsided and my breathing slowly became easier. I allowed it to soothe me and allowed myself to melt into it. The warmth at the surface and the coolness underneath. It had only lasted for about a minute even though the experience felt like an eternity.

In a way I didn't want it to stop, because I didn't want to come back and face reality. I already knew deep down that I had lost her. 

A grief counselor once told me that the moment you bond with your baby, even if it is still a fetus, that is the moment you become a mother. 

It only occurred to me months later that the very moment I became a mother, I lost the baby. I felt barren, alone and empty. I didn't cry again, instead I hardened. I closed off that part of myself once again and returned to the safety and familiarity of being closed and hard.

Everything in me vowed to never be so foolish to ever let my guard down again. To never let go of fear and doubt, to never again allow for that vulnerability and so the pain of loss. I should always protect myself, remain detached, cold, conditional and closed. 

To be continued...

This is My Breastmilk.

To my breastfeeding mother friends, did you know that what you produce is literally liquid gold. It is healing magic. It is a carrier of information, and it is so much more?

It is crazy to think that only a generation ago, our grandparents were convinced that breastfeeding was inadequate, animalistic, perceived as dirty, and shunned by society. A mother breastfeeding in public was a vulgar sight, and people would be quite disgusted to see this natural act taking place.

That generation, in all their innocence, were victim to the all pervasive power of the advertising machine which can literally, and still to this day, invent and script our cultural norms and forays. New mothers were convinced that their breast milk, which was created by the same body that produced another human, which is designed to feed that human within a physical communication of the chemical and nutritional needs of that tiny little human - was inadequate! This breastmilk will change on command. If the baby is sick, the milk will change colour as it modifies itself to suit the needs of the child to fight the illness. It transforms itself over time, from the beginning of the feeding to the end, and over years as the child develops and its needs change to grow different bones and organs, hormones and immunities.

Needless to say - the technology of breastmilk far surpasses anything the human mind could possibly comprehend or reproduce. Not in our wildest dreams could we match the magic of breastmilk. Yet, one generation ago, mothers were convinced that man-made formula from pasturized and disinfected (ie: dead) cows milk, could do a better job at nourishing an infant human, with all its synthetic vitamin and mineral additives. A few corporations made a lot of money on that one. We were duped, and our children suffered for it.

All this to say that: I will not be breastfeeding forever, so I will take full advantage of this magical elixir my body has been creating. 

I express my milk to use on myself as a  topical application on skin rashes and irritations. I will also, from time to time, do a facial with it, and I've used it on Celest's diaper rash when she was teething. It has never failed me. It clears up, soothes or heals everything I put it on. It has become my go-to for any and all healing needs, which are few thankfully.

But I don't just use it willy-nilly. I have been reading a series called "The Ringing Cedars of Russia" - Also known as the Anastasia books. I will no doubt be writing more on what I have been learning on the subject of parenting from these books.

In book 2 of the series, Anastasia explains that when you breastfeed your child, you need to focus only on the child. Do not have random thoughts running through your mind. This is because the substance of breastmilk is extremely sensitive. It carries information into the child, and influences the child's development on an informational and physical level, which later on can be activated and manifest in the child.

When the portal explained breastfeeding on a separate occasion, she said to breastfeed with 'nothingness'. As Gian puts it: with nothingness,  "...you are not transferring anything to the child except training and showing them to be here as nothingness". As Anastasia explains, if you do it this way, you then teach the child to 'communicate with the universe and have access to everything'. Funny how being "here as nothingness" gives you "access to everything", but that is for another post.

When I am nursing with Celest and I find my mind begin to wander, I will bring my focused awareness back on to her, onto her  physical,  the mundane things, which are things that wont activate entire thought processes!. And I will speak them to myself. So when my mind begins to wander, I will look at her and simply say things like,  you have two eyes, your hair is blond, your shirt is blue, it has five buttons... and so on until I am just breathing.

Back to the breastmilk. My tip for breastmilk application is to use these fine-mist spray bottles as shown in the photo. They are very small, so the contents will always be fresh. It dries quickly because it is sprayed in such a fine mist, and you can keep it in the fridge for a few days.

I also hold within me my intention for the milk, kind of like how tou can set and intention for the water tou drink - things like what I want to heal and why. I then commit to uprooting and dealing with the mind-made cause of the ailment whenever possible, because if we just heal ourselves and remain comfortable, we'll probably recreate the same issue again until it's dealt with.

I don't use breastmilk on Celest very much because her body is learning how to exist in this environment and heal itself, it does not need a crutch. But when she is in discomfort like with a diaper rash, because diapers are so unnatural and unfortunate, I give the extra support for her comfort. I have applied a bit to her cradle cap, but that seems to be clearing up on its own quite well; its a "don't fix what ain't broken kind of thing". Or maybe it was the breastmilk? 😉 Jk! 😆

So, if you are a breastfeeding mother,  express some of your milk and use it (also good in baths and for hair treatment 😃)! Why not?