ReDefining 'Projection' - 21 Days of Words with Osho - Day 1

I am looking at re-defining and living words by pulling Osho cards for 21 days as a way to choose my words. I take insights from the card, and then look at the word in my own life, in terms of how I have been living it, what the correction is, and how I can move from here on out in such a way that I can live the words in a way that is best for all. The word card for today will be 'projection'. This is day 1 of 20.

This card is depicting two people looking at each other, but not seeing each other for real. We very rarely look at and see each other for real, with our 'vision' of each other being veiled by our own expectations, judgments, fears and desires. We project this on to each other, creating our own virtual realities, with all the people in our lives becoming only projections of ourselves, of all the things we have not taken self-responsibility for. I have done this, and continue to do it to this day, and this card I pulled today is a good reminder of a skill that I know I have, that I have developed with awareness, and that I know how to apply in every moment of my life. That skill is 'taking it back to self', where I have proven to myself through self-introspection, writing and self-forgiveness, that everything I have ever projected, every judgment I have ever had, has always been about me, and I have always had the ability to take the steps required to sort it out and bring it back to myself, placing my power and the power to see reality for real, squarely in my own hands. I have had this ability, but that does not mean I have always practiced it, and when I have, it doesn't mean it always went smoothly. I have gone into reactions, blame, anger, frustration and all sorts of other emotional states that seemed so real and so justified, only to lead to arguments, fighting and me feeling even more powerless and hurt than before. I think if one doesn't step-in in their own life and take self-responsibility, it is possible to live a life of endless arguments, projection, resent and creating more and more icy cold distance between self and those that one loves the most. With the ups and downs of fighting and making amends, this cycling can make it seem and feel like there is progression, forward motion and evolution within a relationship/friendship/family relation, and this can be called 'life' and 'living'. But the reality is that it is actually an endless repeating cycle that is going nowhere, when the truth is that this time can be spent actually getting to know one another for real. This time can be spent developing real trust, understanding and intimacy in relationships. When we are able to look and not project, but see each other for real, we can develop a true compassion and respect for those closest to us. We can support them and be supported by them, we can be profoundly moved by the reality of others when we go to that place of truly understanding all of them, where they stand and what they are going through. The most effective way I have found to clear up projection is communication. Communication where I either express myself clearly, or, if I am clear within myself, I reach out and ask the other for clarity. Simply explaining self, without blame, projection of ulterior motive, and then asking the other where they stand and what they are/were going through can change ones self-fabricated reality of projection into the real reality we all share, where each one has a perspective and experience unique to them. This does not mean one is either right or wrong, it means taking the responsibility to step up and find out where each one is at, and then move from there instead of moving in the secrecy of one's own mind only. From developing clarity and standing in the actual reality of where each one is at, one can support oneself to clear up the reason and source of the projection one had in the first place. This is what I have lived so far, but where and how will I move forward with the word 'projection' in my life? Re-Defining 'Projection': Within this word I hear the words 'project' and 'shun', where. within projecting we are literally shunning others in our life and world. I will change this to 'project inclusion' as the way I will live this word from now on. This is a full-time living, which is a full-time practice, wherein, when and as I see myself projecting onto others, I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that there is an issue within me that requires my attention and direction. If I don't sort it out, it will eat at me and deteriorate the relationship I have with the person towards whom I am projecting, and I cannot stand for living like that. I take a stand and use my redefinition of the word 'projection' as 'project-inclusion', to share myself and to include the other person's reality into the way I am perceiving the situation. I can do this by stabilizing myself, expressing/explaining/clarifying myself, and/or reaching out to the other for further clarity and understanding. This is a full-time living redefinition, a step in the process toward real self-change, where living this re-definition becomes me and my living, where I become it as my new normal - a process to walk in 2018 and beyond. For more insight into re-defining and living words, check out: Redefining Words with SOUL

Day 220 - Clearing the Starting Point of Friendship

Many friendships, when seen on the surface, seem to be these wonderful, magical, beautiful relationships. I am sure there are moments where this is so, but not all moments, and often there are strong undercurrents of suppressed feelings and emotions hiding beneath the surface.

When I investigated into how I had grown up in my friendships, mostly starting from my early teens, I found some pretty nasty stuff going on in the background. There were definitely good times, intimate moments, trust build, and bonding happening, but when being completely self-honest, I found dimensions of myself that were subtly rotting the foundation upon which friendships are built.

I saw it first hand while investigating my own past, like a personal private detective,  so that I could sort it out for myself, and clear MY starting point of how I have been living within and as 'friendships'. But I have also seen it hundreds or thousands of times, through television, movies, hollywood, and social media. The truth of the hidden nastiness existent within friendships is in all of these places, because it is in all of us.

This leads me to question: is a friendship just something that happens naturally, following a natural progression without any intervention or effort from those involved? Who am I as a friend, within a friendship? Why do some friendships feel like work and effort?

For me personally, when I really take a good, hard, self-honest look at who I have been within friendships throughout my life, I do not feel proud. I can see that, underneath the fun and good times, there were subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) layers of comparison, judgment, jealousy and spite.  Included in this mix, are feelings of rejection, when I lost friends, as well as feelings of guilt, when I did not keep in touch with friends after having said I would.

Self-forgiveness to clear the starting point of friendship:

Comparison:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to friend A, thinking I am better because I believed I  could draw better, climb better,  jump higher, I believed I had better ideas, was thinner, taller, and friend A would follow me around and always put the effort in to being with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of all the ways I perceive myself to be ‘better’ or ‘more advanced’ than someone and then use that in order to place myself in a position of superiority in relation to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that within a friendship, there is always one that is better, and one that is less, instead of looking at all the qualities of both individuals, in order to learn from and strengthen each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that there must be a lover, and a beloved, wherein I believed that within a friendship, the dynamic is only satisfied when one is in a position of longing and idolatry, and the other is idolized and cherished, instead of creating a relationship of equality, where strengths are shared and weaknesses developed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to place myself into either the position of beloved/idolized, or lover/idolizer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself above another within the belief or perception that I am in the position of the ‘beloved/idolized’, or to place myself below another, believing I am in the position of ‘lover/idolizer’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into ego within friendships where I believed I was the superior one, blinding myself from parts of the other,s and suppressing or hiding those parts of me I saw as weakness, and believing I should dictate to the other what to do and how to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into inferiority when I believed I was in the position of lover/idolizer, believing nothing I could do was as good as my friend, feeling insecure and like I needed to be told what to do and how to be from my friend, instead of having the self-trust and confidence to express my strengths and develop my weaknesses.

Judgment:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged friend B for being bossy, neurotic, controlling and manipulative because of certain personality traits she had based on her life experience, and how I interacted with those traits

.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge friend B and supress my own potential solutions for our friendship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge friend B and go into reactions of dislike avoidance and spite, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid and eventually ‘drop’ friend B, leaving it awkward and uncomfortable between us.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge friend B in my mind, and go into internal conversations and back chat, as well as gossiping about her with others that knew her, instead of deciding to speak up about what I saw within friend B and her behaviour, in order to gain clarity and understanding, and having her also hear from me and my experience within the friendship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame friend B, holding friend B entirely responsible for the ‘failure’ of the friendship, instead of looking at myself and taking self-responsibility within the understanding that ‘it takes two to tango’, and understanding that I could have changed the dynamics between us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather end/leave the friendship, than to face myself and who I was within the friendship, thus living the statement that I am powerless to change, influence or direct the friendships within which I am a participant.

Jealousy:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become jealous of friend A when boys began to become interested in her, while I had no boys interested in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to begin to place myself in an inferior position within the friendship, because I thought and believed that friend A was now superior due to having a boyfriend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous that friend A had a boyfriend because I saw her as inferior, and that I should be the one with the boyfriend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to question everything of myself, because I had no boyfriend or prospect of a boyfriend, not seeing and realizing that I had built myself up on a foundation of belief, instead of truly honouring those qualities of me as real and substantial.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into jealousy that friend A got a boyfriend because I believed I was unlikeable and too shy to talk to boys in that way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jealousy and resentment that friend A got a boyfriend instead of seeing and realizing that I didn’t want a boyfriend yet, and was not ready to be in a relationship yet, but instead thought that because friend A was now in a relationship, I should now be in one and in a better one with a better boy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become jealous that friend A got a boyfriend because I didn’t know friend A had it in her to be ready for a relationship and talking to boys in this way, and in that, then looked at myself seeing I was not yet at that stage, then going into spite, self-judgment and jealousy because I compared myself to her, instead of practicing  self-understanding through self-introspection.

Spite:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as spite in my friendships, thus creating a wall preventing a potential bond of intimacy between two individuals.

How would I like to live the word ‘friendship’ from here on out?

Friendship =  free end ship

Free = no charges

End = found within action words like ‘mend’, as I can, within friendship, correct myself and then reactions I have, in a way, a ‘mending’ of myself. ‘Lend’ as into ‘lend a hand’, reach out. And also ‘tend’, as in to ‘tend to a garden’.  Also, to put an ‘end’ to my past patterns of behaviour.

Ship = the vessel created between two people, where both would strive to keep the ship afloat – no baggage on this ship. 

I will continue with how I would like to live the word 'friendship' from here forth in my next blog.

Thank you

           

Day 197- Divorce: 6 Months Later

Ending an 8 year marriage has been a very interesting process for me thus far. It has taught a lot about myself in terms of relationships and the emotional and feeling energy that drives me and ‘overrides’ my self-honest self-direction. I have noticed that I have been finding it difficult to remain self-honest during this time that I have been alone, living alone after having lived so closely with another for so long. I’m am very grateful for the time and effort I put in to myself for the past 4 years that I have been studying and applying the Desteni tools, as they have taught me how to develop life-skills that have ‘kept me together’ so to speak, throughout some very difficult times and transitions.  

The work that I have done with the  tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application have been invaluable for me these past few months. I had, over the years, created a platform from which I can stand on as I have followed through my decision to relocate and start over in a way that’s best for me since my husband and I decided to separate. Actually, I have used the tools to direct my world since I first started understanding how they function, and since I have begun to lag on my commitment to writing, I have noticed myself coming apart in terms of falling back into old habits and patterns, ever so slowly.

Having now experienced both dedication and falling, I have seen a clear difference in how the use of the Desteni tools impacts my entire life and world. Within this differentiation, the choice is clear to me that it is and has always been most beneficial to me to continue walking this process.

The point that has been too obvious for me to ignore recently has been the point of relationship.  I have found myself to be desiring a relationship for reasons that are not self-honestly best for me. I know very well that if I compromise myself and place the responsibility for who I am and how I feel onto another, then any relationship will be doomed to failure. I see, realize and understand that I need to stand on my own two feet in order to be able to walk with any kind of integrity in this world. I see, realize and understand that integrity takes time to build and prove to self, and most importantly, I see that I have been using the idea of relationships to distract myself from the work I need to do. This distraction prevents me from building integrity.

This is not to say  I need to shut myself off from others, but rather that I need to be clear about who I am within and as  the starting point of the decisions I am making. Within the following self-forgiveness, I am taking myself back from using the idea of relationships as a form of self-sabotage, so that I can stand clear, instead of falling back into the same patterns I have lived since I started dating. Writing makes this clarity possible, so that the next relationship I enter into will not be one of dependence, blame and self-victimization, but rather an equal partnership wherein both members are better for the integration.

 

To view the process I have walked through divorce thus far, check out this link: http://www.pinterest.com/kimberlydkline/divorce/ 

http://cdn.tinybuddha.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Uncertainty.jpg

 Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preoccupy, distract and medicate myself with thoughts, fantasies and energetic feelings about relationships and a relationship.

When and as I see that I am escaping and running into my mind in order to leave the present moment for ‘something better’ than being alone, I stop, and I breathe. I ground myself back here within the understanding that I can do very little of any benefit for myself or anyone else if I am not fully present and grounded Here, in reality, where things actually count.

I commit myself to ring myself back Here when I have the urge to escape into my mind.

I commit myself to face the consequences and outflows of escaping into my mind, and to face and be open to the reality that I am in and of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to daydream about alternative futures of better times if I settle down with specific individuals and live a different kind of life than what I had previously expected or planned for.

When and as I see that I am not practically planning, but rather creating alternate fantasy worlds and futures, I stop, and I breathe. I pull myself  back into myself  within the understanding that I need to have specific goal achieved through specific tasks in order to have any influence on my own future, and that it will never be ‘better then’ if I do nothing to better myself here, now, in and as the present moment.

I commit myself to decide upon which goals I want to achieve within an understanding of what they are and why I have chosen them.

I commit myself to make choices that are best for me and to the best benefit of all as equal to me and one with me as I am a part of this whole. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep myself stagnant Here, in the present moment, by delving into the mind and traveling into imagined futures, playing out my wants and desires in my mind while at the same time, actually doing less in the present moment, which is the only moment I have to work towards actually practically building a future for myself.

When and as I intentionally or automatically travel into the imagined futures in my mind, satisfying my every want and desire, I ground myself back in reality by reminding myself that I have real, physical needs that need to be properly met, and I have practical wants and desires based on principles which, when I base my actions upon these principles, the result is the best version of myself and thus best for all as me.

I commit myself to bring myself back to, and move myself within and as the present moment, in presence and awareness, and within the realization that I know what I need to do, and I know how to figure out what needs to be done in order for me to achieve it.

I commit myself to become the living realization that I can organize my life and world in such a way that I am able to properly care for and provide for myself on both a physical and psychological level, by disciplining myself with regards to my finances, my time, and my living application of caring for my physical body, clearing, clarifying and sorting out my mind and the actions that I produce, through writing myself out in order to see my words clearly in front of me. In this way, I can see through my fantasy world to Who I can actually be, and ensure that the result of Who I Am is aligned with who I intend to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse that because I am unclear of how I will direct myself and towards which goals I should work, that I should do nothing and wait for things to sort themselves out, and to simultaneously appease the desire to work towards something by fantasizing about relationships or a relationship with a specific individual.

When and as I see that I am looking for ‘things o happen’, or for the experience of ‘things happening’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself out of my mind and into physical reality where nothing happens unless I direct it to happen.

I commit myself to pull the realization through that when I am completely preoccupied, nothing is happening, I am getting nothing done and thus building nothing and going nowhere; whereas when I function within full presence, things get done, I build myself and my world, and I move.

I commit myself to sort out my goals and bring clarity through regarding what it is I am going to focus on.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave towards another in ways which will make them desire a relationship with me, in order to try and attempt to place myself in a position where a relationship is possible if I so desire, in order to give myself the comfort and security that I will be okay and taken care of, and I will have a partner and not be alone.

When and as I see that I am holding onto the desire for a relationship as a form of comfort, distraction and security, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to myself  within the realization that I am the only one who can comfort, secure and be with myself in a way that is real and lasting, whether I am alone or within a partnership or agreement.

I comit myself to let go of the desire for a relationship, and bring myself back to me in order to establish a self-relationship based on principle and actual care, love and support, in order that I may be able to provide the same foe others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone in this life.

When and as I feel overwhelmed at the thought of being alone, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to this moment within the realization that I am right here.

I commit myself to get to know myself and take myself back in all the little and big ways I had given myself away and abandoned myself.

I commit myself to bring myself back here when I see I am seeking to escape and thus abandon myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop taking care of myself when I am alone because I lose my motivation due having ‘no point’ in taking good care of myself, because there is no one specifically to care for me, cherish me and make me feel ‘safe’ and ‘loved’.

When and as I feel that there is ‘no point’ in caring for myself anymore because I feel there is no one outside of me caring for me because I am not in a relationship, I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that I AM the Point, and that I don’t need someone outside of myself to have to show me that I am worth the time, effort, motivation and discipline to care for myself in great detail and with great specificity.

I commit myself to continue to stand back up and start walking my process again for me and all as me. In the ways that I can within the parts of reality in which I am a participant.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that I Am the Point, and that I can take good care of myself for Me, and that I can cherish myself and comfort myself on a physical and psychological level, as I am the most valuable resource I have.

When and as I see that I am feeling ‘less valued’ because I am not receiving the positive energy feedback reward from another, which makes me ‘feel good’ about myself as motivation to direct myself, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the realization that I have to put in an actual directed effort to motivate myself, as self-motivation, because I cannot live my life depending upon others outside myself to ‘give’ me the energy to move myself throughout my day.

I commit myself to walk a process of learning and practicing self-motivation until it becomes automatic and normal in terms of how I function and operate and direct myself.

I commit myself to push myself to move myself to live to my utmost potential, beginning with the small, and small steps at first, in order to be able to move myself whether I am in a relationship/partnership/agreement or not.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice myself for the fleeting illusions I am able to create in my mind, which take me away from myself and diminish my self-awareness, my presence, my stand, and my ability to move myself through the practical daily tasks that require to be tended to.

When and as I see that I am using fantasy and illusion and escape into the mind as a way to avoid facing and moving myself Here, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-awareness, presence, and standing by reminding myself that the only way to continue to take my power back and direct myself and my world in a way that is best, is by functioning uninfluenced in the present moment, by operating as a whole, Here.

I commit myself to stop my addiction to the instant gratification of fantasy and illusion and to instead face the reality that anything of real value must be built, step by step, over time and with consistency, in order to create a platform of self-support, to be able to become the human I want to be, to realize my potential and effect change in myself and that which I am a direct participant within.

I commit myself to support myself Here, by bringing myself out of my mind and back Here, where I actually exist in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to preoccupy myself in my mind when I am riding the metro, experiencing down-time at work, and falling to sleep at night, by imagining relationship scenarios in which I am a different person, instead of grounding myself Here, into and as the person that I actually am, and working towards making the changes that I know are necessary to be made.

When and as I see that I am stealing moments from myself in actual reality In order to create myself in in an alternate reality in my mind by participating within and as thoughts of Who and How I can be and experience myself, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-realization by reminding myself that these are moments that I am actually losing and giving up, and that these moment are thus then wasted and I cannot get them back; however I can take myself back within the time I still have, and utilize every moment to instead create myself as a self-honest being with clear direction, aim and purpose.

I commit myself to direct, aim and align myself to the purpose of becoming a being of integrity through developing the self-trust, self-responsibility, self-acceptance and self-worth that require to be developed for myself in this life.

To script yourself back into alignment with a Life of integrity, learn these self-supportive writing tools, visit: DIP LITE- a free course where you will learn to create a platform of self-support to be able to face yourself in forgiveness and acceptance, and recreate yourself through your own self-realization, in a way that honours and supports yourself to Live a Life that benefits yourself and those around you. - See more at: http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2013/04/day-178-divorce-avoiding-self.html#sthash.RFcQy0Pr.dpuf

 

 

Day 12- How I Manipulated Men to Love Me

My pattern within relationships starts with the belief that a male may not prefer/desire/be attracted to/enjoy me as I am. How that belief was developed is a whole other pattern that I created for myself and lived over and over until I believed it to be so real that I defined myself by it and made it real. So my starting point within relationships is “I’m not good enough as I am.” So what I did is, I observed males, I observed for signs of interest in me, and then I observe and absorb what it was that they like, either about me or about women and people in general, and then I would become that, I would become the ‘dream girl’ by compromising my self, my self-expression as who I really am, in order to feel not only ‘good enough,’ but ‘the best.’ So as time passes I manipulate my partner until I have him ‘loving me’, at which point I slowly start to blame him for my self-suppression, because he is ‘happy’ and I am miserable. I become angry and resentful that I have placed his happiness and satisfaction above me, above living, and above my relationship to myself. I begin to develop backchat about him and to dislike him, even sometimes I would begin to dread spending time with my partners wherein I would only feel free when I was alone. Eventually I break off the relationship because I become so miserable and I end up feeling painfully guilty because deep down, I know what I did and what I was doing the whole time and thus, I knew the relationship was bound to failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as un-likeable, un-desirable, unattractive and un-enjoyable because of and due to past life experiences, emotional energetic reaction and judgments I had to them, and beliefs which I repeated and confirmed to myself over and over and over until it actually became who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create patterns of thought and actions/reactions which I utilize to experience myself as ‘not good enough as I am.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am ‘not good enough as I am,’ or that I am lacking or invalidated in any way. I simply STOP these thoughts, feelings, ideas, emotions and beliefs as the addiction that they are, because that is the FIRST step to and towards re-scripting myself in a way that’s best for me, that respects my integrity, that does not compromise my self-expression, and that assists and support me to be and become a whole human being that is capable of standing alone as all-one, as I stand for all in equality, which begins with self-equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a master of scripting and molding myself to be and become the object of desire and fancy of a male because I of acting/behaving from a starting point of ‘not good enough as I am’ and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself in order to be something else, which I defined as ‘better-than’ what I am in order to ‘win’ the interest of a male so that I could mentally validate myself as ‘good enough’ and be the ‘winner’ in my secret competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in observing the habits of others in order to find out their likes and dislikes, and to try or attempt to subtly ‘become that’ in order that they may like me. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my entire starting point of ‘who I am’ on insecurity, based on the self-created belief that ‘I am not good enough the way I am.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate others into liking me because I have lived in such a way that I only ‘feel better’ and ‘feel secure’ when I receive external validation and positive feedback from those in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give away my power by fearing negative feedback within the belief that, if I were to receive negative feedback I would not be valid, I would not be good enough, I would feel bad, therefore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘feeling invalidated,’ feeling as though I’m ‘not good enough,’ and feeling ‘bad.’ In reality, when I get negative feedback, I usually experience relief and empowered because I see that I remain and I am Here, and I do not require the validation or positive feedback of another. This shows me that the fear is truly irrational, and only plagues me when I get positive feedback, because if I have positive feedback I fear losing it, but if I lose it I will only see that I remain, I do not require an outside source to justify, validate or approve of me. I am Here. There was a time however, before Desteni, that this was not the case, and if I did receive negative feedback it would really bother me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise, suppress and abuse myself in order to appease my ego of wanting, needing and desiring to be wanted, needed and desired. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exasperate this self-compromise, self-abuse and self-suppression by thinking/believing/perceiving that ‘good enough’ is not good enough, as the new goal must be to be ‘the best.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse others by manipulating them to like me, or love me, as I, in absolute self-interest, use them to feed my insatiable ego as I bounce back and forth from feeling like slime to feeling like ‘the best’ in endless cycles of manipulation and abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can become something I’m not in order to become what I want to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on irrational thoughts based in irrational feelings and internal experiences that I created based on patterns of ego instead of looking at what is actually Here and only then deciding the practical course of action which will walk me into and through the self-development of stability and relationships of mutual trust, respect, support and expansion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project anger and resentment towards those whom I have compromised myself for, blaming them for what I have done unto me, instead of taking self-responsibility to stop compromising myself and walk instead as an equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt others for the sake of my own internal experience and my ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and hang onto that guilt for hurting others for the sake of my own internal experience and ego, and for not considering them and who they are within the relationship, thus not seeing them as my equal, but rather as my subordinate whom I use and abuse in order to control the way I feel inside myself, instead of realizing that the way I feel inside myself is nobody’s responsibility but my own, as it affects nobody but me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into and play-out relationships that I knew were bound to fail, simply for the fact that I was basing my decision on irrational thoughts and  a serious lack of foresight.

I realize that in order to enter into and maintain arelationship that benefits all I will enter into it as an equal and do unto the other as I would have done do unto me.

I realize that I am completely responsible for my internal experience of myself, and that nobody has any real influence upon it but me.

I realize that I have used manipulation and blame as self-sabotage within the relationships I have entered into in my life.

I realize that I have not honoured myself within and as my self-relationship, and therefore I have not entered into relationships with others as a self-honest being of integrity and who is capable of actual real respect.

I commit myself to honouring myself by changing my living application to one that builds self-trust, integrity and self-respect so that I may enter into relationships that build the same.

I commit myself to openness, vulnerability, transparency and trust within my relationship, exposing my secret mind so that I do not harbor resentment and blame, and giving to my partner that which I would like to receive.

I commit myself to living and walking with my partner as an equal in self-honesty and respect, honouring him as myself by sharing me completely with no secrets and a stated and determined life path.

When I see that I’m going into manipulation tactics, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that the behavior is abusive and self-compromising, coming from a starting point of insecurity and ego, and will only create and harbor resentment and blame and end up destroying my relationship. Manipulation tactics include behaviour which stems from a starting point of wanting to feel desired, attractive, liked or enjoyable, for example.