Your Secrets Keep You Sick (Your Lies Keep You Alive)

 

"No one gets through Life unscathed"  - this was a line channelled through me from my former business coach. Once he revealed to me he was a channel I insisted he channel for me in one of our coaching sessions. He agreed, and started typing, writing me out better than I had ever written myself out before. This line has always stuck with me, because I realized, if you are alive, you will experience abuse. You will experience betrayal, you will be scarred, wounded and hurt in some way. It reminds me of a passage in Shakespeare's soliloquy from Hamlet, describing how a great many would choose death over enduring the wrath that Life can deal, within the belief that anything is better than this earthly experience:

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come"

If I am honest with myself I can see that ever since I was a child I have been a victim to life. By simply absorbing the "slings and arrows" and the "thousand natural shocks" that all flesh is heir to. By burying the hurts that happened 'to me' deep down, and holding the belief that I simply can not make it in this world. I am a victim. I am disempowered. I cannot do it. And in this way, it is like choosing death. Death without actually dying. Death as Not Living, as merely surviving until actual death comes. And along the way, with bits and spurts of empowerment, where I believed I could achieve something through my actions, when it did not turn out as I had planned, it would validate the apparent inadequacy and reconfirm the limiting self-beliefs. And it's still there. I can feel it in the fiber of my being, like a stubborn stoppage that needs to be proved wrong thousands upon thousands of times before I'd consider letting it go. It's like a safety net as a hesitation before each action, which becomes manipulation as a way to get what one wants and needs in Life, within the belief that this is the only way.

Although with Desteni, the tools and support from others, along with embracing the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" as Life's way of teaching, the "thousand natural shocks" as Life's way of shocking us out of our programming, so long as we are willing to accept it - I have learned that I do not need this anymore. That I can be direct and up front about what I want and need. I can go for it even if it means disrupting my reality and others within it, so long as there exists the agreement that they can also be direct and upfront about what they want and need. It takes some courage and balls, especially when you start exploring the outer boundaries of wants and needs, and finding that the quest for satisfaction can be insatiable, unquenchable, and you have to come to the realization that satisfaction comes as a decision of when enough is enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others within a perception and belief that it is necessary to do so in order to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my actions manipulatively within what I hold as a secret formula for survival, where each action must have some kind of future pay off that will come back to and benefit me, but instead of being open and honest with myself about the starting point of my actions, I delude myself with that false perception that the actions are altruistic and benevolent, knowing deep down that this is a lie I beLIEve is keeping me aLIEve, while I keep the reality of me a secret which is held within the self-delusion that nobody can know if I do not admit it, not even myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the transactional nature of the reality within which I exist, where I think and believe I have to live up to some form of absolute and unconditional altruism, judging anything transactional as ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’, ‘greedy’, ‘selfish’, ‘self-interested’ and ‘not best for all’, without seeing and realizing that such transactions can benefit everyone involved, and the transactional nature of this reality can be purified if it is done openly, honestly, in agreement and understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself into my own lies by thinking and believing only unconditional altruism is acceptable, while at the same time seeing and realizing that this is an impossible standard, but instead of getting real about truth and reality, I move into deception and lies, putting up an ‘altruistic front’, while in the background/secret mind knowing there is self-interest, there is expectation, there is payment due.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my actions and behaviours in order to try and attempt to manipulate my reality into ‘getting something in return for my efforts’, thus creating within me an expectation of a certain outcome from my world and reality where – if that outcome is not achieved, I feel abused by life, the world, reality and others within it, within the justification and excuse of ‘look at all and everything that I’ve done – now give me what’s mine, what I deserve” - all based on an idea or fantasy I had created of what my actions would bring or create in return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others, myself, life, existence and reality when I do not get what I believe is my ‘just reward’ for ‘what I have done’ to ‘deserve’ it when in fact the entire formula had been created in my mind alone, with an exact desired result, without considering others, who they are, the nature of existence, reality and life, and without considering Who I Am within those actions, but only looking at the actions themselves and the payback reward I hold as an expectation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and others or life for what happens ‘to me’ in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into resentment and anger about the things that happen in my life, thus accepting and allowing myself to become smaller and weaker, instead of learning from the things that happen in my life, and using them to become stronger, wiser, more understanding and thus – able to understand and support others as me – from victim to empowered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take full self-responsibility for what happens to me in life, in my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest with myself about how I create my life, my reality and how what happens ‘to me’ is a direct result of who and how I have been and have lived, equal and one as input/output.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest about my input as me into my life/Life, so that I can then apply self-honesty and purify my input, thus purifying my output and the life I create for myself and others in awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself instead of being honest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and then hide from my own self-judgment by creating a false perception of myself according to what I define as ‘good’, ‘acceptable’, ‘worthy’, acting only in ways I deem as ‘good’, ‘acceptable’ and ‘worthy’ as actions of self-manipulation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exhaust myself and kill myself in a try and attempt to be ‘perfect’, living the lie that I am ‘perfect’ as every action is judged and assessed as ‘perfect’ which should bring ‘perfection’ into my life as what I fantasize as what perfection and life ‘should be’ according to my desires, thinking and believing that this is what is holding in place my survival, “keeping me alive” as obtaining my desires, desired outcome as if energetic desires was life, and without them “I die”, not seeing and realizing that only myself as my ego fears ‘not obtaining my desires’ as energy to feed myself as my mind/ego to continue. Within this,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny reality, simplicity, and the physicality of Life and what one actually needs to live here and to Live Here, placing myself into ‘survival’ as my ego trying to survive, instead of living, simply, Here as physical needs, which includes living words of ‘trust’ – lived physically, ‘love’ – lived physically, ‘support’ - lived physically, ‘care’ - lived physically, and so on, identifying physical needs and finding ways to live them physically as acts of true care, for others as myself, as giving as I would like to receive.

Day 12- How I Manipulated Men to Love Me

My pattern within relationships starts with the belief that a male may not prefer/desire/be attracted to/enjoy me as I am. How that belief was developed is a whole other pattern that I created for myself and lived over and over until I believed it to be so real that I defined myself by it and made it real. So my starting point within relationships is “I’m not good enough as I am.” So what I did is, I observed males, I observed for signs of interest in me, and then I observe and absorb what it was that they like, either about me or about women and people in general, and then I would become that, I would become the ‘dream girl’ by compromising my self, my self-expression as who I really am, in order to feel not only ‘good enough,’ but ‘the best.’ So as time passes I manipulate my partner until I have him ‘loving me’, at which point I slowly start to blame him for my self-suppression, because he is ‘happy’ and I am miserable. I become angry and resentful that I have placed his happiness and satisfaction above me, above living, and above my relationship to myself. I begin to develop backchat about him and to dislike him, even sometimes I would begin to dread spending time with my partners wherein I would only feel free when I was alone. Eventually I break off the relationship because I become so miserable and I end up feeling painfully guilty because deep down, I know what I did and what I was doing the whole time and thus, I knew the relationship was bound to failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as un-likeable, un-desirable, unattractive and un-enjoyable because of and due to past life experiences, emotional energetic reaction and judgments I had to them, and beliefs which I repeated and confirmed to myself over and over and over until it actually became who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create patterns of thought and actions/reactions which I utilize to experience myself as ‘not good enough as I am.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am ‘not good enough as I am,’ or that I am lacking or invalidated in any way. I simply STOP these thoughts, feelings, ideas, emotions and beliefs as the addiction that they are, because that is the FIRST step to and towards re-scripting myself in a way that’s best for me, that respects my integrity, that does not compromise my self-expression, and that assists and support me to be and become a whole human being that is capable of standing alone as all-one, as I stand for all in equality, which begins with self-equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a master of scripting and molding myself to be and become the object of desire and fancy of a male because I of acting/behaving from a starting point of ‘not good enough as I am’ and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself in order to be something else, which I defined as ‘better-than’ what I am in order to ‘win’ the interest of a male so that I could mentally validate myself as ‘good enough’ and be the ‘winner’ in my secret competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in observing the habits of others in order to find out their likes and dislikes, and to try or attempt to subtly ‘become that’ in order that they may like me. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my entire starting point of ‘who I am’ on insecurity, based on the self-created belief that ‘I am not good enough the way I am.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate others into liking me because I have lived in such a way that I only ‘feel better’ and ‘feel secure’ when I receive external validation and positive feedback from those in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give away my power by fearing negative feedback within the belief that, if I were to receive negative feedback I would not be valid, I would not be good enough, I would feel bad, therefore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘feeling invalidated,’ feeling as though I’m ‘not good enough,’ and feeling ‘bad.’ In reality, when I get negative feedback, I usually experience relief and empowered because I see that I remain and I am Here, and I do not require the validation or positive feedback of another. This shows me that the fear is truly irrational, and only plagues me when I get positive feedback, because if I have positive feedback I fear losing it, but if I lose it I will only see that I remain, I do not require an outside source to justify, validate or approve of me. I am Here. There was a time however, before Desteni, that this was not the case, and if I did receive negative feedback it would really bother me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise, suppress and abuse myself in order to appease my ego of wanting, needing and desiring to be wanted, needed and desired. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exasperate this self-compromise, self-abuse and self-suppression by thinking/believing/perceiving that ‘good enough’ is not good enough, as the new goal must be to be ‘the best.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse others by manipulating them to like me, or love me, as I, in absolute self-interest, use them to feed my insatiable ego as I bounce back and forth from feeling like slime to feeling like ‘the best’ in endless cycles of manipulation and abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can become something I’m not in order to become what I want to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act on irrational thoughts based in irrational feelings and internal experiences that I created based on patterns of ego instead of looking at what is actually Here and only then deciding the practical course of action which will walk me into and through the self-development of stability and relationships of mutual trust, respect, support and expansion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project anger and resentment towards those whom I have compromised myself for, blaming them for what I have done unto me, instead of taking self-responsibility to stop compromising myself and walk instead as an equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt others for the sake of my own internal experience and my ego.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and hang onto that guilt for hurting others for the sake of my own internal experience and ego, and for not considering them and who they are within the relationship, thus not seeing them as my equal, but rather as my subordinate whom I use and abuse in order to control the way I feel inside myself, instead of realizing that the way I feel inside myself is nobody’s responsibility but my own, as it affects nobody but me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enter into and play-out relationships that I knew were bound to fail, simply for the fact that I was basing my decision on irrational thoughts and  a serious lack of foresight.

I realize that in order to enter into and maintain arelationship that benefits all I will enter into it as an equal and do unto the other as I would have done do unto me.

I realize that I am completely responsible for my internal experience of myself, and that nobody has any real influence upon it but me.

I realize that I have used manipulation and blame as self-sabotage within the relationships I have entered into in my life.

I realize that I have not honoured myself within and as my self-relationship, and therefore I have not entered into relationships with others as a self-honest being of integrity and who is capable of actual real respect.

I commit myself to honouring myself by changing my living application to one that builds self-trust, integrity and self-respect so that I may enter into relationships that build the same.

I commit myself to openness, vulnerability, transparency and trust within my relationship, exposing my secret mind so that I do not harbor resentment and blame, and giving to my partner that which I would like to receive.

I commit myself to living and walking with my partner as an equal in self-honesty and respect, honouring him as myself by sharing me completely with no secrets and a stated and determined life path.

When I see that I’m going into manipulation tactics, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that the behavior is abusive and self-compromising, coming from a starting point of insecurity and ego, and will only create and harbor resentment and blame and end up destroying my relationship. Manipulation tactics include behaviour which stems from a starting point of wanting to feel desired, attractive, liked or enjoyable, for example.