Day 238: From the Root to the Fruit - How We Create Our Demonic Minds

In light of recent school shootings, I would like to share some self-forgiveness I have been working on. This is something I practice in my own time, daily, as I walk a process of self-correction, In this, I re-visit memories from childhood, to see and show how in seemingly 'innocent' childhood moments, the seeds can be planted to create inner demons later on in life, depending on life circumstances, experiences, interactions and events.

I went through a very short period of experimenting with bullying when I was younger. The experience left me with an impression of myself that I was not proud of, and thus hid. In order to make the below statements, I re-visited these memories and looked at hidden experience within them as if I was living them here in the present moment.

It is like visiting the mind of a child as he/she is creating him/herself, and developing his/her understanding of reality, only now, doing it as an adult with greater understanding and awareness, giving my 'past self' words to describe the experience because, at the time, I had no idea about what i was feeling, and why I was doing the things I was doing. I had no words nor vocabulary for it.

This is but one brief experience in a lifetime. All of our experiences will effect us in some way and to varying degrees and intensities, depending on how intense the initial experience was, and then how much energy was put into growing and morphing it over time as the experience grows and evolves as the human grows and evolves, or in many cases, devolves.

What I am showing here is an example of how to undo the impact experiences can have on us, by re-visiting the experience with the understanding of an adult. If we do not do this, our childhood events, traumas and misconceptions stay with us and continue to effect us in varying degrees throughout our lives.

Forgive the past to change the present, because there is in fact No Time, as the past is here with us as we create our future.

Within ignorance, there is innocence, and within innocence, there is ignorance, but within everything, there is self-responsibility.

Being a Bully

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully other children when I was a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully other children because I liked the way it made me feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider only the way I feel, and not the effect I may be having on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume my words and actions do not impact others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume others are taking responsibility for their thoughts, feelings and emotions when I know that I am not because the words and actions of other effected me, how I felt about myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like the feeling of bullying others because it made me feel better about myself, more powerful, confident and stronger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things that make me feel better ABOUT myself instead of making myself better, a better version of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the only reason I liked feeling powerful, strong and confident was because I was not living these things in my every day life, and therefore I sought to FEEL them as EXPERIENCES only, all the while not realizing I was covering up my powerlessness, insecurity and weaknesses I was feeling in most other moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase power, strength and confidence as a feeling experience only, instead of a living doing and being these words as qualities that can be lived in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that feeling powerful, strong and confident means I have to diminish another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the world and life through the lens of competition and survival of the fittest, and feel I need to dominate and be the strong one by putting others down, thus securing my own survival, without realizing the impact it was having on myself, and without ever considering the experience of the other, only seeing them as a tool for me to use to strengthen myself/my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish and bully myself, and then act out that self-relationship on to others in my world, ‘bringing them down’ with me/as me as an act of spite, trying to get revenge by exerting my internal experience onto my outer reality, trying to change my external experience by changing my external one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully other kids in an attempt to appease myself in satisfaction, while deep down I knew that I was driving a wedge between us that I probably could never remove, and even though I regretted that, I still placed my own experience above the tragedy I was creating between two people, by taking the value away of connecting with another human being, and replacing it with personal self-satisfaction.

I forgive myself for chasing only personal self-satisfaction, without seeing, realizing and understanding that it always leads to self-diminishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for bullying other kids because I knew, and I saw the ugliness I was creating between us, and in my life, seeing the other child as innocent, and myself as the abuser, but instead of stopping I rather judged myself, and then hid that judgment in the depths of my mind, like a constant lurker ready to pounce, contributing to my dark mind that would stay with me and haunt/limit me for the rest of my life, thinking I am ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ and ‘tainted’ as self-judgments within life experiences accumulated over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed defeat to exist within and as me as I integrated and lived out the reality I saw in the world, instead of standing up for what I knew was ‘the right way’ in terms of actions and behaviours that would be beneficial and constructive, but thinking/believing/perceiving that for me to chose this path would make me weak, a target for others like me, the ‘loser’ and the ‘victim’, so I chose instead to become the aggressor, the bully, the ‘tough one’ that is not to be messed with, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that to choose the path of kindness, care, collaboration and understanding is to be internally strong, powerful, impactful, and to have that stand and stance of living by my principles and being/living the person that I want to see in this world.

I commit myself to look, explore and forgive my dark mind, and to take the steps towards transcending that of me which is not best for all by stopping the patterns, both internal and external, and changing them to living actions that are best for myself as best for all.

I commit myself to walk a process of giving myself that which I need to stand alone, within principle, despite the current reality of the world, and despite the challenges that come when one stands as the self-change that is necessary to in turn, change the world.

When and as I see that I am feeling that ‘feel good’ feeling of, in my mind, being ‘above’, ‘stronger’ in a ‘superior’ position to another, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to equality by reminding myself that I am only diminishing myself, my life, this reality and potentially the other person. I push myself to stop the energetic experience and simply be Here with the other, Hearing them, Understanding them and seeing their REAL value and potential and recognizing that also in myself.

Please Note: I am walking a process of self-change using the tools of support offered by www.Desteni.org. 

I am taking the course called DIP Pro. In this course I learn how to take every day moments and find ways to make myself a better, more understanding and well rounded human being, the kind of human being I would like to see in this world. "Be the change you want to see" is a cool saying, but actually doing it is a bit more confusing because people tend to believe that you can't change human nature. I believe you can, because I have seen myself changing to someone I've always wanted to be. Not there yet, but my motivation is fueled by the proof I have given to myself, which I have documented online every sep of the way, in my blogs and on youtube. DIP Pro requires serious dedication and commitment, it is ot for the faint of heart. 

If you want to test the waters for yourself, try the Lite version, it's called DIP Lite, and the best part is, it's free! Why? Because Desteni puts individual self-change above profit. Why does DIP Pro cost money? Because it costs money to exist in this world, and takes a dedicated team to run the program. Otherwise it would also be free.

Visit www.Desteni.org

21 Days of Osho Card Readings - Day 8 of 21: 'FIGHTING'

What I am doing in this series is holding an intention within me and then pulling an Osho card to see what support I can derive from it. In this way, Osho card readings can come out of the realm of mysticism, future predictions or positive reinforcements, and instead become a practical support that I can live.

Because it is me as MYSELF interpreting the card for me, seeing what realizations I can bring forth and how I can change my daily living, it empowers ME, instead of reading the cards in such a way where the cards hold some kind of power in or over my life.

When the power is placed in things, objects or even ideas and beliefs outside of ourselves, it actually disempowers us to change, alter or create our lives, and causes us to be stuck in habits and patterns while we wait and hope for something to come in and help us in some way.

That being said, the card for today is:

"An explosive temper or a smoldering rage often masks a deep feeling of pain. We think that if we frighten people away, we can avoid being hurt even more. In fact, just the opposite is the case. By covering our wounds with armor we are preventing them from being healed. By lashing out at others we keep ourselves from getting the love and nourishment we need.

If this description seems to fit you, it's time to stop fighting. There is so much love available to you if you just let it in. Start by forgiving yourself: you're worth it."

When I pulled this card today, I was holding the intention of asking for some support on the reactions I was having regarding my work. This card is quite fitting, in terms of the subconscious internal rage I had been building up regarding my work. The rage was a consequence of the reactions I was having, which were masking a deep helplessness I was feeling in the situation. The reactions were frustration, irritation, agitation, anger and overwhelm. Let me explain:

I am currently in a new position where I want to go ahead full steam, start my projects and become very productive. However,  I had been experiencing 'sticks in my spokes' from the beginning, namely in the form of my internet connection not working. Seeing as I am doing mostly web-based work, this caused a serious back-log, and I became increasingly emotional, from anger and frustration, to overwhelm, and then of course helplessness as I am in a different country and am not too tech savvy. It got to a point where I felt so internally angry, that I had an image of myself in an absolute rage appear in my mind, which reminds me of the image on the card I pulled today.

My housemate Leslie John  was eliminating potential problems one by one, and each one required time and testing. With each new effort, when it did not work, I would go into helplessness, subconsciously thinking and believing it would never be fixed, and there was nothing I can do. This was the belief that was hidden under the reactions, and the reactions were masking the helplessness I was feeling.

Now, the 'rage'  I was experiencing was not exerted on anyone, or being expressed in any sort of destructive way. Seeing as I am using certain specific tools of self-support in my daily living,  I was working with the points as they came up. As we worked on finding a solution, I was getting other stuff done, working on some projects in the physical that I had been wanting to do, working on my breathing, getting outside and physical when I felt the reactions building up, writing it out and seeing it for what it was.

But the reality is that the problem simply needed to be addressed. We can work with our reactions and manage ourselves within them, and that is necessary, but if the problem isn't addressed, then we'll get nowhere in reality. The problem being addressed is actually quite a simple process that Leslie John was walking, by testing things one-by-one. There was no reactions needed, they were completely unnecessary and actually drew-out the problem solving process as I would spend time fighting with myself, then having to work through the reactions before going back to Leslie John to report the issues.

And so, I will take the advice from the card, quite literally, which was to "Start by forgiving yourself: you're worth it." And I will include a self-corrective statement and self -commitment to be able to direct myself when future similar moment arise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within helplessness when I am confronted by obstacles that I do not know how to overcome immediately in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back chat that "it won't work, I will not be able to fix this", creating the feeling of helplessness within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mask the feeling of helplessness I created within myself, by participating within and as frustration, irritation, anger, agitation and overwhelm, all accumulating to bring me to a point of rage, within which I do not function properly or efficiently, but rather drag out the problem, and thus the rage, causing consequence in my body as well as in my external reality through drawing out the problem longer than is necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and generate a rage within me, which causes internal discomfort, triggers OCD and thus causes double consequence for my body to have to deal with and go through.

When and as I see that I am being confronted by an obstacle that I do not immediately know how to over come, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that there is always a solution, even if I cannot yet see it, and even if it is not the one I was expecting. I see, realize and understand that reacting to the problem only draws it out, and that the solution-finding process is a simple, step-by-step process requiring only consideration, communication and/or direct action, and there is no need for emotional reaction.

I commit myself to confront obstacles for the simple equation that they actually are, problem-solution.

I commit myself to NOT over-complicate problems and obstacles by reaction emotionally to them.


For self-support, visit www.desteni.org

Manifesting Your Own Consequences

Sometimes the most challenging things to hear can be the most empowering. I recently listened to an Eqafe recording called “Manifesting YourOwn Consequences”, and found it to be (like most of the Eqafe recordings I listen to) a very empowering lesson. While I was listening and relating to the information being shared in this discussion, I was remembering personal experiences and applying what I was hearing to who and how I was within those experiences.

The recording discusses how we actually create consequences in our life to face based on, for example, deep-seated fears we may or may not even know we carry around with us. For me personally, I had repeating patterns of consequences in relationships, at work and in my family. I was able to get a clearer picture about how I had been basing life decisions on these fears that I was carrying around with me, by not looking at and never really facing them. I had been avoiding them, suppressing and avoiding experiences in my life because of this.

Eventually, I had some pretty big emotional and physical consequences play out in my life where what I was doing was placed squarely in front of me. I had the choice to continue living as I was living, or I could learn from what I had done and try a new, different way. This recording assisted and supported me to play back the experiences I have had to create awareness and understanding regarding exactly what I was experiencing and how I was creating it. It also provided some amazing steps, tips and tricks to avoid playing out the same pattern and consequences in the future.

Now I actually look forward to investigating the fears that come up during the day, and directing myself to face them before they turn into unavoidable consequences. I am eager to continue to develop the self-trust and self-honesty to be able to turn facing my fears into constructive instances of self-development!