In light of recent school shootings, I would like to share some self-forgiveness I have been working on. This is something I practice in my own time, daily, as I walk a process of self-correction, In this, I re-visit memories from childhood, to see and show how in seemingly 'innocent' childhood moments, the seeds can be planted to create inner demons later on in life, depending on life circumstances, experiences, interactions and events.
I went through a very short period of experimenting with bullying when I was younger. The experience left me with an impression of myself that I was not proud of, and thus hid. In order to make the below statements, I re-visited these memories and looked at hidden experience within them as if I was living them here in the present moment.
It is like visiting the mind of a child as he/she is creating him/herself, and developing his/her understanding of reality, only now, doing it as an adult with greater understanding and awareness, giving my 'past self' words to describe the experience because, at the time, I had no idea about what i was feeling, and why I was doing the things I was doing. I had no words nor vocabulary for it.
This is but one brief experience in a lifetime. All of our experiences will effect us in some way and to varying degrees and intensities, depending on how intense the initial experience was, and then how much energy was put into growing and morphing it over time as the experience grows and evolves as the human grows and evolves, or in many cases, devolves.
What I am showing here is an example of how to undo the impact experiences can have on us, by re-visiting the experience with the understanding of an adult. If we do not do this, our childhood events, traumas and misconceptions stay with us and continue to effect us in varying degrees throughout our lives.
Forgive the past to change the present, because there is in fact No Time, as the past is here with us as we create our future.
Within ignorance, there is innocence, and within innocence, there is ignorance, but within everything, there is self-responsibility.
Being a Bully
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully other children when I was a child.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully other children because I liked the way it made me feel.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider only the way I feel, and not the effect I may be having on others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume my words and actions do not impact others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume others are taking responsibility for their thoughts, feelings and emotions when I know that I am not because the words and actions of other effected me, how I felt about myself and my world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like the feeling of bullying others because it made me feel better about myself, more powerful, confident and stronger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do things that make me feel better ABOUT myself instead of making myself better, a better version of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the only reason I liked feeling powerful, strong and confident was because I was not living these things in my every day life, and therefore I sought to FEEL them as EXPERIENCES only, all the while not realizing I was covering up my powerlessness, insecurity and weaknesses I was feeling in most other moments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase power, strength and confidence as a feeling experience only, instead of a living doing and being these words as qualities that can be lived in reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that feeling powerful, strong and confident means I have to diminish another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the world and life through the lens of competition and survival of the fittest, and feel I need to dominate and be the strong one by putting others down, thus securing my own survival, without realizing the impact it was having on myself, and without ever considering the experience of the other, only seeing them as a tool for me to use to strengthen myself/my ego.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish and bully myself, and then act out that self-relationship on to others in my world, ‘bringing them down’ with me/as me as an act of spite, trying to get revenge by exerting my internal experience onto my outer reality, trying to change my external experience by changing my external one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully other kids in an attempt to appease myself in satisfaction, while deep down I knew that I was driving a wedge between us that I probably could never remove, and even though I regretted that, I still placed my own experience above the tragedy I was creating between two people, by taking the value away of connecting with another human being, and replacing it with personal self-satisfaction.
I forgive myself for chasing only personal self-satisfaction, without seeing, realizing and understanding that it always leads to self-diminishment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for bullying other kids because I knew, and I saw the ugliness I was creating between us, and in my life, seeing the other child as innocent, and myself as the abuser, but instead of stopping I rather judged myself, and then hid that judgment in the depths of my mind, like a constant lurker ready to pounce, contributing to my dark mind that would stay with me and haunt/limit me for the rest of my life, thinking I am ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ and ‘tainted’ as self-judgments within life experiences accumulated over time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed defeat to exist within and as me as I integrated and lived out the reality I saw in the world, instead of standing up for what I knew was ‘the right way’ in terms of actions and behaviours that would be beneficial and constructive, but thinking/believing/perceiving that for me to chose this path would make me weak, a target for others like me, the ‘loser’ and the ‘victim’, so I chose instead to become the aggressor, the bully, the ‘tough one’ that is not to be messed with, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that to choose the path of kindness, care, collaboration and understanding is to be internally strong, powerful, impactful, and to have that stand and stance of living by my principles and being/living the person that I want to see in this world.
I commit myself to look, explore and forgive my dark mind, and to take the steps towards transcending that of me which is not best for all by stopping the patterns, both internal and external, and changing them to living actions that are best for myself as best for all.
I commit myself to walk a process of giving myself that which I need to stand alone, within principle, despite the current reality of the world, and despite the challenges that come when one stands as the self-change that is necessary to in turn, change the world.
When and as I see that I am feeling that ‘feel good’ feeling of, in my mind, being ‘above’, ‘stronger’ in a ‘superior’ position to another, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to equality by reminding myself that I am only diminishing myself, my life, this reality and potentially the other person. I push myself to stop the energetic experience and simply be Here with the other, Hearing them, Understanding them and seeing their REAL value and potential and recognizing that also in myself.
Please Note: I am walking a process of self-change using the tools of support offered by www.Desteni.org.
I am taking the course called DIP Pro. In this course I learn how to take every day moments and find ways to make myself a better, more understanding and well rounded human being, the kind of human being I would like to see in this world. "Be the change you want to see" is a cool saying, but actually doing it is a bit more confusing because people tend to believe that you can't change human nature. I believe you can, because I have seen myself changing to someone I've always wanted to be. Not there yet, but my motivation is fueled by the proof I have given to myself, which I have documented online every sep of the way, in my blogs and on youtube. DIP Pro requires serious dedication and commitment, it is ot for the faint of heart.
If you want to test the waters for yourself, try the Lite version, it's called DIP Lite, and the best part is, it's free! Why? Because Desteni puts individual self-change above profit. Why does DIP Pro cost money? Because it costs money to exist in this world, and takes a dedicated team to run the program. Otherwise it would also be free.