The support I asked for was "why did I
lose my motivation and fall into a slump, despite my best efforts and 'doing
everything right?"
"In our society, men in particular have
been taught not to cry, to put a brave face on things when they get hurt and not
show that they are in pain. But women can fall into this trap too, and all of
us at one time or another might feel that the only way to survive is to close
off our feelings and emotions so we can't be hurt again. If our pain is
particularly deep, we might even try to hide it from ourselves. This can make
us frozen, rigid, because deep down we know that one small break in the ice
will free the hurt to start circulating through us again. The rainbow-colored
tears on this person's face hold the key to breaking out of this 'ice-olation'.
The tears, and only the tears, have the power to melt the ice. It's okay to
cry, and there is no reason to feel ashamed of your tears. Crying helps us to
let go of pain, allows us to be gentle with ourselves, and finally helps us to
heal."
I recently went through a familiar pattern of
'having a fresh start', 'making a change' 'pushing myself to do it
differently', only to be confronted by a series of challenges and fall back
into self-defeat and the old comfortable patterns I was trying to break.
The cool thing about patterns though, is that
you can hack them at any stage. It is never too late because patterns are a
repeating cycle.
Breaking patterns is also a repeating thing,
as we dig through the layers of self that we put in to the pattern, and then as
life challenges us over and over again, we test ourselves to see if our
change is real.
So to be clear, what I am walking now is not
recycling my old pattern, but rather creating a new one while letting go of the
old, which means, the old will rear it's ugly head from time to time, to show
me what needs adjusting and addressing.
The first thing I will do is give myself
credit for the push I made, because I established certain points in my life as
a foundation, so that as I make another push, it will be like walking into a
home that I already set up for myself. The structure is there, I just have to
walk in to it.
The second thing I am doing is looking at
exactly what happened: did I over commit? Did I move too fast? Did I take on
too much at once instead of introducing things one at a time? Did I stop too
abruptly?
The cog in my wheels was 3 days of migraines
and then I became ill, and then i became emotional about it. Emotional meaning,
frustrated, impatient, feeling guilty for pushing myself less, feeling I could
not afford to lose this time to illness. And then ,under the weight of - not
the physical ills- but the emotional mass I placed on myself, I fell.
So here I have just located the trigger that
started the chain reaction to me falling, which is being hard on myself when
things get tough. And this is where the Osho card comes in, because the card is
indicating that "it's ok to cry", where crying is like a 'letting
go', and acceptance of a 'weakness'. Because if you look at it, I WAS
physically weak, but I judged it and did not want to accept it. I judged it as
a weakness of self, as if I had less value and worth because I was for a
moment, not able to give my utmost.
So, the solution for me to see here is that
my value does not lie in my ability to perform. My value does not waver when my
physical body wavers ,and I can give my utmost when I am physically weak as
well, with my utmost being to apply myself internally to drop the point of
judgment and support my body to heal.To be more flexible in my definition of
'being productive and getting things done', to also include the process of
physical ills, where the body is busy processing, releasing and going through
cycles as well to 'get things done'.
One other point I see is that, due to the
emotional burden I placed on myself, I actually did less while I was not
feeling well. there was a knowing that I had it in me to keep up on certain things
that I did not do cause I was feeling miserable caused by my own judgments and
self-defeat. This caused anxiety and procrastination, which made it harder to
bounce back from.
So, my take-away from this card and this
experience is to 'let myself cry'. Meaning: to let go, allow for a release. Let
go of the judgments and the self-imposed definition of value, release myself
from this trap of productivity, and realize that this is not a weakness, but
rather a strength.
Note: I am walking a process of self-change
using the tools of support offered by www.Desteni.org. I am taking the course
called DIP Pro. In this course I learn how to take every
day moments and find ways to make myself a better, more understanding and well
rounded human being, the kind of human being I would like to see in this world.
"Be the change you want to see" is a cool saying, but actually doing
it is a bit more confusing because people tend to believe that you can't change
human nature. I believe you can, because I have seen myself changing to someone
I've always wanted to be. Not there yet, but my motivation is fueled by the
proof I have given to myself, which I have documented online every sep of the
way, in my blogs and on youtube. DIP Pro requires serious dedication and
commitment, it is ot for the faint of heart. If you want to test the waters for
yourself, try the Lite version, it's called DIP Lite,
and the best part is, it's free! Why? Because Desteni puts individual
self-change above profit. Why does DIP Pro cost money? Because it costs money
to exist in this world, and takes a dedicated team to run the program.
Otherwise it would also be free.
Visit www.Desteni.org
Visit www.Desteni.org
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