Establishing My 'Who I Am'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet develop the will to diffuse and delete the mind characters and personalities I have become, through stopping my participation as myself within them, and within this,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my starting point within interactions with others sits subtly in manipulation and competition, as I have  hardwired and programmed myself as characters and personalities of manipulation and competition to win at all costs from a starting point of survival, and have not lived as an expression of myself as Who I Really Am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to stop all of my expression for fear that the starting point or the participation may be tainted with manipulation, competition and deception, where instead of 'putting myself out there' to see me and be seen, to see or be shown where I am dishonest, I instead hide within myself where it is safe and where I am always right and righteous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being wrong or have made a mistake, where I fear and behave as though it invalidates ALL of me, and within this,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pre-emptively invalidate all of myself as soon as I am challenged in order to 'face the fear', showing me that the real fear is standing up for myself, standing by the words I speak and share, and trusting myself that when I share and speak it is because I saw some value, truth, self-honesty or realization in the point of my sharing/speaking where, when and as I am challenged, I give myself that grace period of a moment, even up to 24 hours to work through any reactions and to check for and/realign the point of value I was speaking/sharing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by the capability of self-intimacy and intimacy in others outside myself, because I have not been courageous enough yet to allow that intimacy/self-intimacy with myself, therefore I judge it as a weakness and a point where I am lacking, it is something I have not yet given myself and so something I will regret, yet instead of daring to be self-honest in order to develop the self-intimacy, I remain frozen in fear, stuck between not wanting to see myself for real, but later on deeply regretting having never actually looked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain frozen in fear of self-honesty as self-in-to-me-I-see, because I fear seeing my self-rejection and neglect reflected back to me through others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain frozen between fear and regret. 

My Christmas Message

Cesar asked me the other day why 'Santa Claus' is two words, and not 'Santaclaus' like how it is pronounced. I explained that it is a name, and that 'Santa' means 'saint', and from there we went into the history of the whole story. An unavoidable part of this story is how children in the West, or developed countries, are told that Santa Claus travels all over the world in one day, giving gifts to all the 'deserving', 'good' children. They do not yet at that age know about the half of the world's children that are hungry, starving or food insecure. Parents seem to leave that part out, and allow their children to exist in the beautiful illusion, while their brothers and sisters 'out there, somewhere' live in absolute disregard. What develops from this, in the minds of children, is that the reason you do not get nice things in life or the 'reward' of consumerism is because you were 'bad', and somehow deserve it.

This is the subtle underlying message children will integrate, and just one part of the reason why so many people can so easily ignore or justify starving children and the suffering of others . 'It is karma' or 'they have to learn a lesson', "they were bad children this year" - this is the result of religious thinking, existent even within non-religious people, simply because they have been impulsed the message as well since their childhoods.

Cesar pointed out the obvious fact that Jesus, who's birthday we are supposedly celebrating, would not be happy with how we are going about celebrating his life and death. He would be incredibly angry in fact, and we may see the Jesus that is full of wrath, the one that flips the tables of the money changers and wreaks havoc on those living words that cause massive suffering, if he were to come back to this.

Gian interpreted the words 'Santa Claus' a little differently, perhaps a little more accurately, as 'Satan's Claws'. Cesar painted an image for me, of 'satan' standing over humanity with strings tied to his claws, with the ends of the strings tied to all the children as he controls them like puppets. And he is right, because as the story goes, only good little children get gifts on christmas day. Parents will use this as a threat, instead of understanding the child's behaviour, they will threaten them with a lump of coal and no gifts, creating compliant little robots that do not seek to understand themselves and direct their behaviour from a starting point of doing what's best for themselves and others - they instead learn to act for rewards - no principle, no understanding how reality and how relationships function, no questioning 'the way things are'.

It's no wonder society is disfunctional and uncaring - we are celebrating evil, normalizing rewarding those who have the most in the world by giving them even more. Cutting down millions of trees - the life giving beings that have been known by man to have their own 'intelligence' and a dynamic interconnected role in the ecosystem, as has been proven by science in modern times - which require TIME to create that dynamic interconnectedness - where you can't simply plant them every year and expect them to reestablish their balance in one year's time. Or we buy plastic trees, creating more waste to use for one day, mining the earth of its resources, only to throw them back to the earth in a form that nature cannot re-use.

I watched a video recently, it was made by a mother who was explaining how her son told her that Christmas felt "different" this year, like something was 'off'. She wanted to defend the 'Christmas spirit' by saying that they had done all the 'right' things; they got the tree, strung the lights, decorated the house, sang the songs and ate the food... yet she couldn't bring herself to speak, because she agreed, Christmas felt wrong. Wisdom comes "out of the mouths of babes" (Psalms 8:2).

It felt to me like someone else was finally seeing! Yes, Christmas is wrong! It is not good! Besides the points I mentioned above, it is also a time where people spend money they don't have buying things they don't need, buying things for children that will lose interest in them within months or weeks or even days. It is a time of heightened stress, loneliness and suicide for those living outside the 'bubble' we so enjoy. Go watch 'A Bad Mom' s Christmas' and you'll see an underlying truth, kids just want their parents to be present with them not stressed out, distracted, busy, and focusing on material presents - that is the wrong kind of present.

Kids LEARN to want material things. Cesar is the living proof that you can raise a kid to not focus on excess materialism. He becomes ANGRY if you get him a gift he doesn't need. He finds it wasteful. He demands that you KNOW HIM, and if you are to buy him something, it better be relevant to what he is interested in at that time and built to last. We bring him into the shops and tell him to buy anything he wants, and he will buy one lollipop to enjoy in the car on the way home, because he does not know lack, he doesn't know greed. He doesn't stuff our cart full of candies, sweets and toys, even though we have given him full permission to. He knows he will get what he needs when he needs it, because that is how we focus our resources. This is to show that you don't need to create an entire experience around Christmas, and try to get your kids to like you and love you and smile by buying gifts, playing music and putting up decorations. This should be a full-time living PRESENCE and tending to the children's needs every day.

I would suggest this to be everyone's last Christmas. To stop celebrating consumerism, to stop mining the earth, to simplify your life immediately, ridding yourself of everything that causes you to cope with life instead of living life, because we are all coping really.

So yes, Christmas should feel 'off' this year. It should have felt 'off' for a very long time now, but the brainwashing goes deep and we still want to hang on and believe there is still some value in it. Soon it will be the new year and we will feel as though there is newness, when there is in fact only sameness. FEEL that sameness so that you can see what actually needs to change.

Stop celebrating in this way, start starving corporations instead of starving your fellow man. Start dancing with your family randomly on a Tuesday instead of dancing on the graves of the slaves that made your Christmas sweater that you wear as a joke, where you express merriment once a year while you cover up the stress, the conflict between family, the suppression you live with daily.

I know my words are not nice, because IT is not nice. I have stopped celebrating, I refuse to participate, yet you see in my posts everyday that I am not a miserable Grinch. I strive every day to express me and make the best life for my children. I enjoy what I have and am content with it. A smile on Cesar's face because he built his confidence after his father spent weeks with him pushing, is worth a million times more than a smile from a gift we spent weeks worth of money on.

At this point, we can no longer just redefine Christmas or pick and choose some part that we justify as 'ok to do'. Doing that still impulses the entire construct that is Christmas, so that those that are completely lost and deliberately blind themselves to the bigger picture can continue business as usual. It's time to become a little more disruptive than that. Don't buy a tree, don't decorate, don't buy gifts. If you want to spend time with your family because this happens to be the time of year where you get time off work, then celebrate with your family sober - sober from the intoxication of false festiveness. Sit down together and have a real conversation about what you would really like from each other, for each other, and for the rest of the world. 

Selling my Soul for Money

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sell myself out to for money.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become different characters and to portray myself as something in order to make money and secure a job. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and develop my self-expression, but rather spent my time and effort on developing myself as a character to make money.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that no one would hire me or pay me in a job if I remain Who I Am. 

I forgive myself for not accepting myself as Who I Am.  

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to Trust myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contort myself into whatever the boss or company wanted me to be in order to secure my job above others, wherein I lose myself into that contorted version of me, instead of stepping into a character in awareness only when necessary, wherein I can then step out of it as soon as I no longer need to be in the position and role of making money at a job.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire a sense of control over my ability to make money, and to use manipulation by selling myself as Life in order to invest into myself as a character to make money. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into morality about going into characters in order to make money, wherein I think and believe that I have to actually be and become that character within the belief that it is then ‘real’, and so I can tell myself I am not actually manipulating for money.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jaded for money. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others that remained Who They Are as ‘weak’ for not being able to go into a character for money, within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak as Who I Am, and to judge myself as ‘strong’ when I am playing a role or character. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my fellow man while pursuing my own survival and self-interest.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted ad allowed myself to fake confidence for money, instead of developing REAL self-confidence which is built slowly over time through doing REAL things.  

I am not All that Matters

 I (as consciousness) FORGIVE (as gifting myself release, understanding, letting go of the belief that this is who I am) MY- (as my personalities and characters) SELF (as my beingness innocence). 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move on my own points before fully considering the position and location of another, taking as many moments as is necessary to place myself in their shoes, to consider their life, their understanding, to see the best in them and then to walk my point in consideration of them, as I would like to be considered. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move on a point without taking full self-responsibility , relying on others to do certain things or be certain ways or to be more prepared to ‘receive’ me and my points, as if everyone should understand me first in order that I may walk a point, within the justification and belief that I will be better, more able and more capable ‘only then’ to be able to give in return, thus receiving before giving, when in fact it is about giving first. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fixate on that which I want, that which I need, that which I desire, wherein I develop ‘tunnel vision’ and see only what want/need/desire as if I can only live, only be complete and fulfilled ‘then’/’when I have it’, not allowing myself to take a step back, to remember myself and Who I Am as complete and fulfilled as I am already, to really take a moment to assess if the want/need/desire is real, is practical, is best for myself and all involved. 

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to stop, breathe, check and make sure my self-interest is considering all involved, and within this, I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to drop, let go of, release myself from my self-interested points that consider only me, myself and I when I can see it is not best for all involved. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the justification and excuse that I ‘need’ something/certain conditions/certain considerations/etc... in order to ‘be ok’ when I am in an energetic point, without applying self-honesty as to whether that something/certain conditions/certain considerations are best for me in the long term, best for others in my environment, or absolutely necessary – checking first to see if I can SUPPORT MYSELF FIRST within the principle of SELF-RESPONSIBILITY. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become blinded by self-interest. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself above the group. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do what is best for me at the expense of others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice myself for the sake of others – abandoning myself within the belief that I am a ‘lost cause’ anyways, I cannot change but THEY can, THEY still have a chance, destroying myself as an ‘easy way out’ of self-responsibility and the tough work of self-change, thinking and believing that I am ‘doing good’ and ‘walking my process’ as a point of self-sacrifice, within and as self-righteousness, not seeing and realizing the abdication of self-responsibility, the self-defeat and the giving up inherent in such an action as self-sacrifice, like martyrdom, as Jesus has done, ‘hoping’ people/situations/problems and issues will ‘sort themselves out’, without first self-perfecting and then sticking around to see it all through, to walk with, to guide, to support as I have been supported, to be my BEST Self in order to walk with others as me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that a situation is ‘too much’ for me to handle, instead of seeing and realizing that it is only a lack of self-honesty and self-responsibility in establishing a strong ‘Who I Am’ that can cut through the emotional bodies to see a path forward in support of myself and others in my world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing, to fear missing out, and to have that fear intoxicate me to not be able to see not only that which I am depriving others of, but also the consequences of my actions, which when born from fear, are not best for myself nor all involved. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not see my value, to not recognize my needs and express them, to put them on the table along with everyone else's needs in order that all needs may be addressed, which then creates purpose and direction as ‘the meeting of needs’ so that needs can be sorted so that all individuals involved can move forwards to the next ‘higher’ purpose and direction, rather than remaining stuck in the base most step of meeting basic needs. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘shut down’ and ‘draw blanks’ when I am confronted with a new point in someone else, where I think and believe I need to first understand everything of the point in all dimensions and have it explained to me with how it functions and examples- to where I experience it as though someone is speaking an altogether different language 

Giving Birth to my Daughter - Giving Birth to Myself - My Pregnancy Story pt 1

 As I have been joined on this Journey to Life by a New Life, which is my daughter Celest, I have decided to start focusing again on my journey to life blog. I have allowed myself to wander off-course, focusing on other things, like the end of a rope frayed in many different directions.  I've been trying to tend to all the ends instead of weaving them back together into one main line, One Focus and stronger for it: Who I Am - where everything flows from this point and focus. 

Having given birth to Celest has been the catalyst to giving myself a second chance and a fresh start. After I gave birth, I got many congratulations and people telling me they are proud of me and how well I've done. This felt really good to hear, but getting pregnant and giving birth is not exactly an accomplishment - it's not necessarily something to be proud of. It actually involves very little on behalf of the parents - it is the physical body takes on the task and does all the work. So if anything, I am proud of my body for what it accomplished, now THAT is quite an amazing feat. What I did was to support my body, and I can be proud of that, while my partner created an environment within which to place my body, he relieved the stress in my life and so in my body, and he prepared a home within which we could bring a new life, and he should be proud of that. Come back to me in about 18 years if you want to know if I am proud of myself as a mother. Only then will I really be able to look at that! 

I use the word 'catalyst' to describe the pregnancy/birth process, and now having a little one in my care, because I do not place the responsibility of 'how I feel about myself', 'what is my value' and 'my worth' onto this child that is now in my life. It is not 'because of her' that I have felt worthy of my own forgiveness again, but the pregnancy, and birth and now having her has shown me and reminded me of certain parts of myself that I had forgotten about or had been denying myself. 

I had, over the years, gotten to a point of feeling 'unforgiveable' and 'unchangeable'. This is after years of having nothing really work out in my life and according to my assessment. The experience of giving certain jobs, projects or commitments my All, and then falling apart and/or  having the thing fall apart as well, failing over and over again at times where I should have known better, feeling betrayed and believing I deserved it, and other such examples of the things that bring us down in life (things we ACCEPT and ALLOW to 'bring us down'). 

Within and towards the end of all of this, I had several miscarriages. I was fighting feelings of shame and feeling undeserving of such a gift as a child. There had been events in my life occurring at and around the same time which part of me was digging myself int a deep dark pit about, and the miscarriages were like the kick while I was already down. I began to access a certain morality about it, thinking things like 'only those deserving of it will be gifted a child by life '- which apparently meant that I was obviously undeserving, as I was only experiencing miscarriage after miscarriage. All to say, I was at a pretty low point.

I say that only "part of me" was digging myself into a hole, it's because there was always that part of me that stood (or sometimes barely held on) - that part of me that trusts myself, that believes in myself, that holds myself dear. It's like this understanding that, as low and dark as you can go in your mind, you know that that is not all of you, and when those parts of you are brought to the surface, you have the opportunity to forgive and change them. However, when I stopped writing for myself, I went into a point of  'too much-ness' - as if too much had accumulated and it is  'too much' and 'too late', and there is no way I can now catch up and get my bearings within it all. It felt as though I just went blank and started to live day by day with this giant boulder on my shoulders, and that all I could really focus on was getting through the day. 

However, the events that took place in the months before, during and after my pregnancy and birthing process allowed for a point of opening up and remembering, slowing down within myself, like my feet touching down on the ground and within myself again. You do not have to go through the actual birth of a child to give yourself a fresh start. For me, the birth was simply a catalyst. with the pregnancy and then the birth, and now having a daughter where the element of 'choice' is taken away in so many ways.  

I will share about this experience more, but for now I herein recommit myself to my Journey to Life.

Back to Some Basics

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame anyone outside myself for what I am experiencing inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to dare to take absolute self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe fear is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful of Life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am missing something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need something more, something outside of myself to show me what I need to trust myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear survival and surviving. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgement. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others think. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel petrified. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into petrification. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze as a reaction to fear. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel safe within freezing up. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire validation from outside myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear consequence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe there is a 'right' and a 'wrong' way to be and behave, instead of being myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be the best, without putting the work in to better myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect my ego as my 'sense of self', and to fear losing that image of myself, and to fear what is beyond that image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that which is real. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear realness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling for real. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear panicking and losing control. 

I forgive myself tha tI have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up control.