I’m taking a pause from the series I have been writing through because as the time has passed since I began writing out the resistances and difficulties I experience as a student, I have actually finished my studies. Therefore I will be focusing on what is in my immediate environment/Here within my writing, which no longer includes these issues. I’m writing now because I am experiencing within myself the resistances associated with the thought/belief that I don’t have any time to write. I have experienced this resistance throughout my end of semester exam period, and along with a new full-time job, I interpreted this as ‘too much’ within the thought, ‘I can’t do one more thing’.
Now I will never know if I
could in fact do one more thing, because I didn’t push myself to try. There
were perhaps some days where this was so, but not all of the days that I accepted and allowed
myself to ‘loosen the reigns’ and not write myself out, even just a little in
order to stay on top of my self-movement, my self-application and my
self-directive principle.
Speaking in a chat with my DIP buddy today, I saw a point I had been missing in
relation to this. She asked me a simple question, which involved the definition
of ‘leisure time’. I thought about it for a moment, and I realized that I
defined leisure time as ‘the time that is left over once everything else is
done’. It hit me and she also saw that this is quite the contradiction,
because, ‘everything’ is never ‘all done’. So, I realize I had worked myself up
into this state of mind wherein I
was moving from task to task in some mad race to finish everything so that I
could get to my goal of ‘leisure time’, however this goal had been set by
myself in my mind
as an experience of ‘having it all done’. But life is a constant doing, it’s
never ‘all done’ or else it would cease to be, and I would be dead. At the most
basic level it is a constant doing, from the beating of the heart,
to breathing, to eating and shitting, to having to earn a living and of course,
to self-growth, self-change, and self-correction.
Looking at the situation in common sense, I then saw that even though I was
living out this ‘constant never-ending doing’, seeking the
experience of completion- I was actually not performing any better than if I were
to slow down and breathe
and allow for leisure time for myself to enjoy myself despite the fact that I have done 'completed everything', which is, of couse, impossible anyways. All of a sudden I see
that as I slow down, I actually create ‘more time’, instead of what I
previously thought, which was: ‘the more I get done, the more time I’ll have,’
and then of course ‘once I get it all done, I will experience
release/relief/peace’. But what I didn’t see was that I was creating the
tension, the stress and the experience of ‘no time’. I was/am the source of it,
it is not outside of me as ‘all the work I have to do’. This is empowering
because, as the source I am then also the solution.
I forgive myself for accepting
and allowing myself to create and manifest the internal energetic
experience of ‘rushing’, ‘racing’, and ‘chasing’ the experience of
‘completion’, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this
experience only exists in my mind as that which I will experience ’later’, and
thus not something real that I am living as NOW, HERE in the present moment,
indicating that it is in fact an illusion, acting as a carrot on a stick which
I chase and chase and the faster I move and the harder I try, the faster the
‘carrot’ moves and the more difficult my current experience becomes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the illusionary
reality I create within my mind wherein Life becomes the pursuit of made-up
experiences which seem so real and possible to attain, yet which somehow are
never quite achieved… instead of looking at the actual current reality of
myself and my situation and what I have accepted and allowed my current/present
state/self/reality to actually be, and basing my actions/decisions/application
on this input/information as the actual real physical reality I exist within/as
and share with all and everything else that is Here together with me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and
understand that as I ignore my current/present state/self/reality, and instead
constantly and continuously look into the future and chase wants and desires as
experiences as the ‘carrot on a stick’, the quality of the current/present
state/self/reality actually diminishes as it is not given the utmost attention,
care and direction by myself, in order to create a living reality for myself
which would actually assist and support me in the most effective ways possible.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself the
present moment, wherein I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
not tend to myself and my reality within/as the present moment with the utmost
care, attention and direction, in order to direct my life and world to
be/become one which supports me in such a way that I will be/become stable and
able to support others as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to miss the present moment
by spending too much time in my mind thinking
about/planning/imagining/worrying about the future/my future
instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only way to practically
create a future that supports me, is by supporting myself NOW, moment to
moment, within the realization that the future does not really exist, the only
thing that really exists is the present moment, and the daily application of
self-direction within the principle of doing what’s best for all (which
includes me- thus, is also self-interest as an all-inclusive self-interest
where the interest of others is equal to and one with my own interest), which
will always prove to be and create a reality that is supportive/best for all
because the results are physically measurable and can thus be directed and
adjusted based on physical feedback as consequences
and friction, and thus able to be re-aligned back to what’s best for all.
Self commitment and self-corrective statements to follow...
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