Day 216 - My Stay at the Desteni Farm

My Stay at the Desteni Farm

            I can’t believe I’ve been at the farm for 17 days already! Time flies – which is a good reminder to make the most of each moment! This is a lesson I take seriously, especially as I settle in here at the farm. I thought it would be easy to adjust to the life-style and pace here, because when I visited two years ago, things were easy and comfortable. This time, however, knowing it was a more long-term stay, my body needed some time to settle in with regards to the climate, food, and then there's the need to structure my own time for myself. There are no schedules given to me here, no boss to keep me in line, and nobody looking over my shoulder to see what I am up to. Here, I must rely on self-honesty and self-movement. I want to make the most of my time here, and push the points that would have me do otherwise.

The Environment

            The environment here is amazing, unlike anything I have experienced at home in Canada. It seems like around every corner there is something new and exotic for me to see and understand.  Whether it be plants, animals, man-made structures or even people, everything is quite different due to climate, geography, political landscape, culture and economy. 

           The one thing that remains constant is the fact that no matter which environment we are born into, we all have the same basic need and the requirement for support. Here in South Africa, the consequences of lacking such basic support are more apparent. This is something to which I choose not to turn a blind eye – but rather to understand and penetrate so that I truly know what it looks like to live in lack, and so be able to place myself in the shoes of another.

            The living space here is at the same time incredible, and basic. I do not have the luxuries I get at home. This does not mean, however, that I feel deprived. Everything that is here is taken care of and used responsibly; items are recycled, repaired, and reused, daily tasks are managed well, and even the kitchen scraps are a valuable source of food for the chickens and other wild animals.  

       Within this, I can see the results of people taking self-responsibility, considering the group as one and equal (which includes the humans, the animals (both wild and domestic), as well as the physical environment), and treating the physical space here as an extension of themselves. 

I found it quite easy to let go of the luxuries I was used to and adjust to enjoying the simple things – the awesomness of nature, a hot bath (it is quite cold here at the moment, especially at night), unbelievable people, a hearty meal, a hot cup of tea, a fire at night, succulent fruit, fun and playful moments with animals and Caesar. Consumerism globally runs like a rampant disease in this world, and the amount of stuff we own that is one-time use or cheaply made is the source of a lot of problems, both environmental and on an internal level of what we are accepting and allowing. But here, life takes place within and as simplicity, yet every need or want I have expressed has been accommodated for wherever and however possible, and if not possible, alternatives are given.  Letting go of the apparent ‘luxuries has been like a breath of fresh air.

            The bedrooms here are clean and spacious, providing a place for everything including working on the computer. The importance of one’s personal space is understood and honoured, as we all need a place to rest, work, or just spend time alone if we want. Aside from the bedrooms, everything else is shared and communal, yet it never feels crowded – even at dinner time when everybody comes together to serve up a meal. Everyone pitches in and is busy with their own projects and responsibilities, all the work gets done, just like in nature, nothing is ever rushed.

I will continue in my next blog with: The People!

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Day 215- How I Taught Myself to Compromise Myself in Relationships

The following self-forgiveness relates to a pattern I have lived out for most of my adult life. The pattern involves the fear of the future/not being able to support myself, and then looking to relationships to escape this fear and apparently 'solve' it - when, in reality, this starting point dooms the relationship, and leads to much self-compromise from the very beginning. 

For me, I located three events in my life: 1) A comment made to me by a neighboor I respected, 2) My first job experience and going to college (called CEGEP where I'm from), and 3) One of my first relationships that followed where I experienced financial support and adventure.

These three points worked together in my life to contribute to the creation of self-beliefs and beliefs about the world that influenced Who I Was/Am and penetrated into everything i did or tried to do. 

The following self-forgiveness explains the timeline, and how everything developed, the mis-takes I made and how I could have done better. It is literally like going back in time and taking myself by the hand in order to walk myself through these experiences again in a more beneficial way.

I also added at the end, three incredibly insightful and intimate video-interviews with a young girl that was just starting out and facing points of entering into a relationship-agreement. The videos describe how to lay the ground work out before so as not to make the very common and self-compromising mistakes that many people make in their lives and relationships with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have never thought or really seriously contemplated or focused on Who I Really am and what I want to do or be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have had the thought: this is my last free summer before working, I will always remember this summer, when and as my neighbour said these same words to me ("Is this your last free summer before working? I will always remember my last summer before working")

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created a polarized idea of ‘free summer’  as good and fun and free, and ‘work’  as bad and trapped and the end of freedom, instead of having taken the moment to contemplate what I might like to do for work, what I might enjoy and what my interests were.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have associated work with bad, trapped, and the end of freedom, and not considered that I might enjoy working, and so never looking for, discussing or pursuing any particular job. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have taken my mom’s offer of a job she got for me, and seen it as having accepted being condemned to prison, a life of work, the end of freedom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have begun work with a split in me, wherein, part of me did not want to disappoint or embarrass my mother, but at the same time rebelled from what I saw as ‘imprisonment’, by moving out of the house and staying up late doing drugs and drinking, wherein the job did become like a terrible prison sentence, as I was constantly stressed about getting there on time, and so tired that I would fall asleep in the bathroom, dragging all day long which felt like torture, and not looking self-honestly to see that I was directly creating it, and not taking any self-responsibility to change it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not quit the job because it was too much, too many hours and I was not mentally prepared to take on such a task and could have admitted it was too much and started with a part-time job in order to understand what it means to work and take on responsibility, as it was something I had never done before, but instead I remained at the job out of fear of disappointing my parents and embarrassing them because they got me the job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself due to my own self-created fear of disappointing and embarrassing my parents, instead of placing myself and my needs first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as irresponsible and not good enough, a failure and incapable instead of looking self-honestly to see what changes I could make, or whether or not I was in over my head.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to self-introspect about what is too much for me, and that I might need to enter into things more slowly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider who I am and where I am at within myself when taking on new responsibilities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, instead of self-introspect and take Who I Am in the moment into consideration, I instead judged myself for not being able or capable of doing the job and work, thus creating a self-perception and self-relationship that was and is made toxic within and through self-judgment and self-beliefs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have gone back to school thinking “I didn’t even get a summer” and create an experience of ‘over-worked’, ‘unrested’ and ‘worn out’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the self-beliefs of ‘over-worked’, ‘unrested’ and ‘worn out’, and instead of finding a better way to work, I created a solution as ‘avoiding work’ and not wanting to work, seeing ‘work’ as the cause of wearing me out and causing unrest instead of looking at my whole life-style and mental state and learning how to nurture and care for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I need to have periods of extended ‘rest’, where I do whatever I want and have reduced or no responsibilities, in order to be able to function and work in this life, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that everything is a balance, between work and play, rest and pushing, and is not defined by periods of work and rest, but can be done within work and within rest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to complain about having no summer and having worked too much, when in fact, I saw that I felt alright in my body, I was not too tired or overworked when I went back to school, but rather felt normal, and instead of seeing the reality of myself, I instead went with the idea that because I had worked, I should be tired and worn out.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to  have gone into the mind of being overwhelmed, incapable and helpless in CEGEP, instead of looking at what I actually wanted to do, and reached out for assistance and support to support myself to accomplish my goals, in terms of signing up for classes on time and having my schedule prepared, as well as getting to know the building and being places on time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spiral out of control, and seek the energy of a social life, boyfriends, alcohol and drugs to make myself feel better, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I would have felt better had I become more directive and disciplined in my schooling, which is what I really wanted.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to reach out and seek assistance and support when I needed it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I was/am incapable of being assisted and supported, because of the thought, perception or belief that I wouldn’t get it, or wouldn’t understand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that if I don’t innately understand something, then I am unable to learn it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my negative experience of work and school with my positive experience of traveling with X, wherein I saw him and his money as saving me, and giving me the life I always wanted – which is being provided for and doing amazing things like traveling around the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself and look to men/partners/relationships as the only way to feel okay and have a life worth living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I could never create this life for myself, due to basing my judgment on a self that did not take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have focused on finding a man to take care of me and take responsibility for me.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see and realize that every new relationship brought the same result of failure because I never fully stood up and lived for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself because I didn’t see instant results every time I tried to make a change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into relationships as if I owed something to the man because my starting point was that of taking and being supported by him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into relationships with a fear of loss, because I feared losing my support which I believed I depended upon, because I thought and believed that, without a man, my life would be like it was when things were tough, instead of realizing it had nothing to do with being in a relationship or not, and everything to do with my relationship to myself.

 Please watch these videos to get an intimate glimpse into what it takes to remain as an individual within a relationship, where the relationship becomes an agreement of mutual support:

Lilly and Malin / Self-Agreement and Self-Process

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zn2PGtsCudI Talk 1

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-X5mrVXhNYgTalk 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCtgp16IG70  Talk 3

A casual, comfortable, laid-back chat with Sunette, Lilly (through the Portal) and Malin discussing the establishment and practical living of and as self-agreement and the basic practical layout of what's ahead in walking one's personal 'self-process' as the conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind...and a few things in-between! 

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Day 214 - How Objectivity Can Be The Key To Unlimited Potential

Today I went from a terrified person with learning-disorder, to an inquisitive, expressive learner that defies expectations by living one simple word.

As promised, a recap on the challenge of living the word 'terrified', which I do quite naturally and well, to living the word 'observe', defined as to 'OBjectively SERVE' myself. The reason for this is that today I had to face one of my greatest fears: performing in front of a group as I am actively learning.

This is the conclusion of my previous post:

I Live to serve

https://steemit.com/life/@kimzilla/i-live-to-serve

The act of learning had become a hostile experience during my schooling years from a young age. The competition and the positive or negative re-enforcement never really worked for me. So when I had to train for a new job today, I woke up feeling terrified at how it might play out.

           Interesting how the mind works - expecting the worst, bringing up the most energetically charged memories, making it not only likely, but probable that if left unchecked, the same or similar experience will re-play.

When I went into the training room today I remembered to breathe and follow my instructions to remain objective. My nerves kept coming up into my chest, which felt tight and at times it was hard to breathe. But I continuously reminded myself to relax my shoulders and focus on understanding the information presented, and objectively observe what was going on inside of me.

How did I remain objective and what did I observe:

As the energy would come up I began just looking at it, defining it in words and letting it go, then bringing myself back to the room, the people, the information.

Secondly, in moments where I didn't comprehend, instead of keeping quite and hoping to catch up eventually due to fear of judgment, I confidently asked questions, not fearing that the information might have already been covered or that the question might sound 'stupid'. "Stupid' is a judgment, and I had promised myself to remain objective with myself.

Thirdly, when it came time to try out the application ourselves (in font of everyone on the projector), I immediately volunteered to go first. I expressed myself openly to the group, explaining that it felt awkward and slow to do something brand new, but that I knew I would pick it up in no time! This helped me to remain humble, being open about my learning process and not trying to hide it due to feeling vulnerable.

There is so much strength to be found within and as humility and vulnerability.

The cool thing is that, as I was processing in front of the group, feeling more comfortable than I ever have been, rather than terrified and self-judgmental, some of my natural curiosity and inquisitiveness was able to come through. Within this, I began asking questions about certain functions I was interested in knowing more about, asking if I could try trying different things out instead of just doing only what was being asked of me.

In doing this, I found a risk element that had not previously been identified in all the years the program had been around. The trainers that had flown in from Chicago were amazed and organized for a meeting to figure out a way to mitigate that risk.

There will be no praise or accolades here, as the whole thing played out in a very matter-of-fact kind of way. But for me, when I was able to truly appreciate what happened today, where I saw the living proof that I had gone from an aloof, detached, terrified introverted slow-learner, to someone that could keep up, experiment and investigate beyond what was expected of me, I felt like I had conquered moving mountains!

Within this, I saw my curiosity and fascination with how things work come out from some deep forgotten place within me, to the forefront where I actually enjoyed just being me. 

There is very little in life that is as profoundly rewarding an conquering ones fears, feeling comfort within self, and showing myself the living proof that I really can be the author of my own script.

I watched these videos for understanding myself and learning how to support me in these types of situations:

Captain, Crew, and Ship  
"What does it mean to be the captain of the crew and ship that is your life?

In this video Sunette shares the directiveness, focus, and responsibility of being the captain of your own ship and how that relates to the relationship we often have with our lives, where we sometimes let the waves and currents take us without direction.

If you found value in this video and would like to give back to Desteni, support our online store with more supportive material www.eqafe.com or sign up for the Desteni I Process where you will be shown how to live the principles and tools developed by Desteni here www."

The Nature of Fear  

What is it about fear that can make it so overwhelming?
What is the effect of fear energy on your mind, being and body?
How can you support yourself to change your experience in relation to fear so that you can stand as the directive principle regardless of the energy experience?

The interview that Sunette refers to is from the Fears & Phobias series on EQAFE: https://eqafe.com/p/retribution-fears-phobias

Self & Living has merged with its sister store, www.eqafe.com - check it out for more!