Day 195- Becoming My Own Safe Haven (pt 2)

This is continued from this blog: Day194- Becoming My Own Safe Haven

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry and stress about moving locations.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the reality that my environment is going to change drastically.”

When and as I see that I am picturing my current location, and then picturing my future location, and then creating fear within me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to stability by reminding myself that fearing the situation will not change or move anything, but will rather only lead to fear-based actions and decisions, which are never beneficial. I push myself to direct one thing at a time, as I have time, until everything is tended to and seen through.

I commit myself to identify issues/tasks/responsibilities/obligations, and push myself to begin them, follow up , and see them through.

I commit myself to address the thoughts that create a reaction within me, and to determine whether action is required, or if the thought should simply be stopped in one breath and not participated within or as.

When and as I see that I am creating and manifesting the fear of change, I bring myself back to stability by reminding myself that the fear of change is the fear of the unknown, and the fear of loss.

Fear of the unknown: I commit myself to write myself out in order to get to know the unknown parts of myself and my hidden fears/needs/desires, to instead create a foundation of self-support, to assist and support myself to bring myself back to the present moment, as the present movement, and direct myself within and as the present moment and be ‘known’ to myself as Who I Am, and Why I Make the Decisions I Make.

Fear of Loss: I commit myself to write out that which I fear losing, and to use common sense to take practical steps to support myself to ensure I have the basic necessities that I require to survive, and to manage myself in order to make the most of what I have.

I commit myself to let go of my dependence on those things I fear losing that I do not require to survive, within the understanding and self-commitment, that I will give myself everything I need to live a dignified life, as I am able to with what I am able to work with in my current position in the system.

I commit myself to realize that I have defined myself by those things I fear losing, and thus I fear losing my self-definition. Within this, I commit myself to live the realization that I define me, not my environment and the people, places and things within it.

What I fear to lose:

Stable income

Close Friend

Access to the ocean, the woods, nature

Peace and quiet and open spaces

The animals

Donation-based Yoga Studio

The cafes. Restaurants and shops I enjoy

My independence

My privacy

Being foreign

Unusual cultural norms that remind me that I am a product of my culture

Friendlier People

Cheap gas/food/products

Anonymity

The fantasies and imaginings and ‘dreams’ I had created about a future here.

Summers on the beach

Going to the ocean or the woods when I feel stressed or overwhelmed or adventurous.

The cats

The horses

My coworkers/work dynamic

The experience of a small town

Open roads

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Day 194- Becoming My Own Safe Haven

" Assertiveness as Steadfastness as Breath as Consistent Equilibrium, is How we Learn to be Able to Manage the Storms of Life and to Emerge from it As a Harbour that becomes a Safe Haven"

“if you don't move it through writing, it's just going to continue to weigh you down within you cause you are accumulating it by not moving it”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry and stress about moving locations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the reality that my environment is going to change drastically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist directing my reality for fear of taking responsibility, and within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become aloof and pull back within myself and allow situations and events play out without my input, participation or direction, within the hopes that I can reemerge at a later point when things calm down, in hopes that it will all work out, leaving myself to  deal with the consequences, which may be detrimental to me, maybe not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become anxious and fearful and then angry with myself when I don’t step up and direct events in my life, and within this:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to become aloof and retreat within myself when the time comes where events in my life need to be directed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to retreat and withdraw within myself during big changes or when I make decisions, within the thought, idea, perception or belief that I don’t know how to direct it, or I don’t know what to do, or where to begin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that if I don’t already know something, or if it is not clear right away, then I am helpless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear putting in a sincere effort, because it is more difficult and there is risk involved, because it may be difficult, it may not work out, or it may fail.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that if Iapply myself fully and put in a sincere effort, that failure is a possibility, because in reality, there is always a solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future, all the ways in which my efforts can lead to failure, when the only real failure that exists is giving up.

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Day 53- All I Exist as is a cast of Characters

It’s cool because this realization that all we all are and have ever been is a cast of characters playing out the script we have written for ourselves in our own Hollywood movie where we are the star has really strung together a lot of self-forgiveness I have already realized within myself. It answers questions like, why do we act/react one way in one environment surrounded by certain specific people, and then another way in another environment? Why do we fear doing something for the first time? Because we have no memories to script ourselves with in order to know which character to be. Why do we fear to call others out on their bullshit? Because they might turn around and call us out on ours, because in reality, each is only wearing the mask of the character that they are in that moment, and each validates, accepts and allows all others to keep their characters in an unspoken agreement that we all participate in. And these characters seem so real that we actually become them as we believe them to be who we are.

When I look at this baby I know, I see that she does not have any characters- she is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. I look at a 3 year old that I’m close to, and I see her designing her characters- based on the reactions and feedback she receives from those around her- what behaviour gets her attention, which actions give her approval, what makes her feel good, where can she exert control, etc… And then I look at a 5 year old who I’ve watched grow up, and I see already formed characters where the same pattern repeats itself every time- to the point where the parents/family learn how to cope with his characters and end up manipulating the environment to avoid the troublesome ones and encourage the good/likeable ones, the ones that make US feel good too. Within observing these children, I can see how I created my cast of characters over time. The fact that we don’t remember scripting/designing/creating the characters we play can give the impression that they weren’t scripted, designed or created at all- but are rather who we really are- however- it is apparent that they are in fact nothing but characters and acting and thus- not real. If each one of us were to stand up as who we really are as Life, we for sure would not put up with all the bullshit we do today- from ourselves and from others.

So, the only thing to do now is to call out all the characters, pull them out and expose them in order to be able to forgive them and let them go so that we can find out what is behind them. What human potential has been limited and suppressed for so long due to the limitations we have imposed upon ourselves through playing mere characters and role instead of living, breathing and expressing us as who we really are- one and equal to everything and all that is here. From here on out, my journey to Life will involve calling out the characters I have designed and played out for myself, because they are limited and limiting and I will not accept or allow myself to exist as anything less than who I am.

For more context on how we have existed and created ourselves as nothing more than charaters on a stage, chaeck out these other blogs:

http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-79-stepping-out-of-character.html?m=1

http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/looking-for-more-of-myself-day-78.html

http://earthsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-44-character-game.html

http://rozelledelangeblog.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-22-me-as-main-character-within.html

http://journey-of-lindsay.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-79-kill-buddha-hes-just-character.html

http://mayaprocess.blogspot.com/2012/07/my-life-as-character-overview-day-79.html

http://spiritualjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-45-characters-i-allow-as-self.html

http://malingunilla.blogspot.com/2012/07/day-79-im-nothing-but-character.html

Day 52- Fear of Being Self-Honest within my Interactions with Others

Day 52- Fear of Being Self-Honest Within my Interactions with Others

                It is one thing to practice self-honesty within oneself, and another to live it outwardly within and through interactions with others. You never know how others will take it, and this unpredictability scares me a little bit within and as my mind. Looking at this point, I see a fear of the unknown, which is funny because I have identified the fear of the unknown within myself without realizing that the fear of how others will react is also the fear of the unknown within self. For example- if there’s conflict, will I stand? Will I remain self-honest or will I fall and compromise myself? Will I give in to reactions, or will I remain stable? So, I’m going to have a closer look at this fear so that I can walk within and as it and through it so that I have more of a handle on what it is and how it works.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the reactions of others to and towards me as I walk my process towards self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear whether or not I will stand up in a given situation, within the anticipation that I may fall.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become influenced by my future projections/anticipations, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that the only way I can and will and am walking this point towards stability is by walking through it over and over until I stand no matter what, which involves walking within and through interactions with others within self-honesty in the moment, over and over and over until I stop wavering, stop compromising myself and stop falling bck into the mind of reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself Here in the moment..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize the investment of time that is required to develop self-trust.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire self-trust as an experience of self-trust, instead of living within and as self-trust as Who I Am in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by going into ego within interactions with others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to know all the answers and fix the problem instead of taking it moment by moment and walking it through from beginning to end.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I will not stand within and as my interactions with others because I have, for so long, placed my power within and as others, instead of standing within and as my power as self-worth, self-acceptance, self-love,  wherein I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and define myself based upon others.

I forgive myself for Not accepting and allowing myself to stand as self-worth, self-acceptance and self-love, and I see, realize and understand that in order to live myself as these things I must stand self-honestly and express myself self-honestly and fearlessly in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself due to my fears of how others may react to me if I am outwardly self-honest within and as my expression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself through self-suppression because of and due to the fear of how others mat react outwardly toward me.

I commit myself to develop myself within and as self-trust through constantly, consistently and diligently pushing myself to express myself fearlessly and self-honestly in each moment until I stand no matter what.

I commit myself to stand within and as self-acceptance and self-worth, within and through pushing myself constantly, consistently and diligently to assert myself to and towards my self-living, standing and breathing within and as presence and awareness and self-honesty in each moment, thus taking myself back from all the parts of me I have separated myself into and as.

I commit myself to walking this process, my process as myself, towards self-realization, despite my projected fears of what others may think.

When and as I see that I am going into self-suppression due to fear of others outward reactions to/towards me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness by grounding myself with and as breath, within the realization that nothing and no one can take away who or what I am. I realize that this fear of confrontation is just a character I play, an is not who I am as Life, but rather a belief developed over time, which is ont real.