I am not All that Matters

 I (as consciousness) FORGIVE (as gifting myself release, understanding, letting go of the belief that this is who I am) MY- (as my personalities and characters) SELF (as my beingness innocence). 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move on my own points before fully considering the position and location of another, taking as many moments as is necessary to place myself in their shoes, to consider their life, their understanding, to see the best in them and then to walk my point in consideration of them, as I would like to be considered. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move on a point without taking full self-responsibility , relying on others to do certain things or be certain ways or to be more prepared to ‘receive’ me and my points, as if everyone should understand me first in order that I may walk a point, within the justification and belief that I will be better, more able and more capable ‘only then’ to be able to give in return, thus receiving before giving, when in fact it is about giving first. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fixate on that which I want, that which I need, that which I desire, wherein I develop ‘tunnel vision’ and see only what want/need/desire as if I can only live, only be complete and fulfilled ‘then’/’when I have it’, not allowing myself to take a step back, to remember myself and Who I Am as complete and fulfilled as I am already, to really take a moment to assess if the want/need/desire is real, is practical, is best for myself and all involved. 

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to stop, breathe, check and make sure my self-interest is considering all involved, and within this, I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to drop, let go of, release myself from my self-interested points that consider only me, myself and I when I can see it is not best for all involved. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the justification and excuse that I ‘need’ something/certain conditions/certain considerations/etc... in order to ‘be ok’ when I am in an energetic point, without applying self-honesty as to whether that something/certain conditions/certain considerations are best for me in the long term, best for others in my environment, or absolutely necessary – checking first to see if I can SUPPORT MYSELF FIRST within the principle of SELF-RESPONSIBILITY. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become blinded by self-interest. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself above the group. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do what is best for me at the expense of others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice myself for the sake of others – abandoning myself within the belief that I am a ‘lost cause’ anyways, I cannot change but THEY can, THEY still have a chance, destroying myself as an ‘easy way out’ of self-responsibility and the tough work of self-change, thinking and believing that I am ‘doing good’ and ‘walking my process’ as a point of self-sacrifice, within and as self-righteousness, not seeing and realizing the abdication of self-responsibility, the self-defeat and the giving up inherent in such an action as self-sacrifice, like martyrdom, as Jesus has done, ‘hoping’ people/situations/problems and issues will ‘sort themselves out’, without first self-perfecting and then sticking around to see it all through, to walk with, to guide, to support as I have been supported, to be my BEST Self in order to walk with others as me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that a situation is ‘too much’ for me to handle, instead of seeing and realizing that it is only a lack of self-honesty and self-responsibility in establishing a strong ‘Who I Am’ that can cut through the emotional bodies to see a path forward in support of myself and others in my world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing, to fear missing out, and to have that fear intoxicate me to not be able to see not only that which I am depriving others of, but also the consequences of my actions, which when born from fear, are not best for myself nor all involved. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not see my value, to not recognize my needs and express them, to put them on the table along with everyone else's needs in order that all needs may be addressed, which then creates purpose and direction as ‘the meeting of needs’ so that needs can be sorted so that all individuals involved can move forwards to the next ‘higher’ purpose and direction, rather than remaining stuck in the base most step of meeting basic needs. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘shut down’ and ‘draw blanks’ when I am confronted with a new point in someone else, where I think and believe I need to first understand everything of the point in all dimensions and have it explained to me with how it functions and examples- to where I experience it as though someone is speaking an altogether different language 

Giving Birth to my Daughter - Giving Birth to Myself - My Pregnancy Story pt 1

 As I have been joined on this Journey to Life by a New Life, which is my daughter Celest, I have decided to start focusing again on my journey to life blog. I have allowed myself to wander off-course, focusing on other things, like the end of a rope frayed in many different directions.  I've been trying to tend to all the ends instead of weaving them back together into one main line, One Focus and stronger for it: Who I Am - where everything flows from this point and focus. 

Having given birth to Celest has been the catalyst to giving myself a second chance and a fresh start. After I gave birth, I got many congratulations and people telling me they are proud of me and how well I've done. This felt really good to hear, but getting pregnant and giving birth is not exactly an accomplishment - it's not necessarily something to be proud of. It actually involves very little on behalf of the parents - it is the physical body takes on the task and does all the work. So if anything, I am proud of my body for what it accomplished, now THAT is quite an amazing feat. What I did was to support my body, and I can be proud of that, while my partner created an environment within which to place my body, he relieved the stress in my life and so in my body, and he prepared a home within which we could bring a new life, and he should be proud of that. Come back to me in about 18 years if you want to know if I am proud of myself as a mother. Only then will I really be able to look at that! 

I use the word 'catalyst' to describe the pregnancy/birth process, and now having a little one in my care, because I do not place the responsibility of 'how I feel about myself', 'what is my value' and 'my worth' onto this child that is now in my life. It is not 'because of her' that I have felt worthy of my own forgiveness again, but the pregnancy, and birth and now having her has shown me and reminded me of certain parts of myself that I had forgotten about or had been denying myself. 

I had, over the years, gotten to a point of feeling 'unforgiveable' and 'unchangeable'. This is after years of having nothing really work out in my life and according to my assessment. The experience of giving certain jobs, projects or commitments my All, and then falling apart and/or  having the thing fall apart as well, failing over and over again at times where I should have known better, feeling betrayed and believing I deserved it, and other such examples of the things that bring us down in life (things we ACCEPT and ALLOW to 'bring us down'). 

Within and towards the end of all of this, I had several miscarriages. I was fighting feelings of shame and feeling undeserving of such a gift as a child. There had been events in my life occurring at and around the same time which part of me was digging myself int a deep dark pit about, and the miscarriages were like the kick while I was already down. I began to access a certain morality about it, thinking things like 'only those deserving of it will be gifted a child by life '- which apparently meant that I was obviously undeserving, as I was only experiencing miscarriage after miscarriage. All to say, I was at a pretty low point.

I say that only "part of me" was digging myself into a hole, it's because there was always that part of me that stood (or sometimes barely held on) - that part of me that trusts myself, that believes in myself, that holds myself dear. It's like this understanding that, as low and dark as you can go in your mind, you know that that is not all of you, and when those parts of you are brought to the surface, you have the opportunity to forgive and change them. However, when I stopped writing for myself, I went into a point of  'too much-ness' - as if too much had accumulated and it is  'too much' and 'too late', and there is no way I can now catch up and get my bearings within it all. It felt as though I just went blank and started to live day by day with this giant boulder on my shoulders, and that all I could really focus on was getting through the day. 

However, the events that took place in the months before, during and after my pregnancy and birthing process allowed for a point of opening up and remembering, slowing down within myself, like my feet touching down on the ground and within myself again. You do not have to go through the actual birth of a child to give yourself a fresh start. For me, the birth was simply a catalyst. with the pregnancy and then the birth, and now having a daughter where the element of 'choice' is taken away in so many ways.  

I will share about this experience more, but for now I herein recommit myself to my Journey to Life.

Back to Some Basics

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame anyone outside myself for what I am experiencing inside myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to dare to take absolute self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe fear is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fearful of Life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am missing something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need something more, something outside of myself to show me what I need to trust myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear money,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear survival and surviving. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear judgement. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others think. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel petrified. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into petrification. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze as a reaction to fear. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel safe within freezing up. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire validation from outside myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear consequence. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe there is a 'right' and a 'wrong' way to be and behave, instead of being myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be the best, without putting the work in to better myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect my ego as my 'sense of self', and to fear losing that image of myself, and to fear what is beyond that image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that which is real. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear realness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling for real. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving for real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear panicking and losing control. 

I forgive myself tha tI have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up control. 

Day 325 – The Promise of Justice

The world is not fair, life is not fair, there is no such thing as fairness nor a just reward. There is only equality, input and output, you get what you deserve, equal to what you have given, whether you know and understand it or not. You may only understand when you finally receive as you have given, whether it’s good or bad. Don’t lie to yourself, be honest with yourself, and see how you have created your life exactly as it is right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat others as I would never want to be treated, in terms of my backchat, the thoughts I have, the judgments I make, and even if I don’t act on it, I see it and realize it is going on inside of me and accept and allow it through my participation in it without fully understanding how I created it through willful ignorance before fully understanding the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of directing or being direct, go into backchat and judgment about another’s points they are facing as it comes through in their behaviour, not seeing and realizing that I don’t fully understand their behaviour when I am not completely self- honest with myself and so cannot direct it, support it or direct myself within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a bitch to energy, instead of being a bitch that stands for Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know what I am capable of, yet refuse to live it, because I always want to be learning, learning instead of doing and being, choosing instead to be the perpetual student learning lessons for fear of stepping up and stepping out and being real, being me as I know I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself ,Kim, refuse to take responsibility for what I see, out of fear of how others will react to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire to be the perfect system person that accommodates everyone, instead of acting on what I see is common sense instantly, and to be the motherfucker I know I can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that motherfucker in me. I see and realize that it took a dog to attack my partner and pierce her leg, for me to see the motherfucker in me, the beast in me in how I can scream at someone, yell at and destroy them, yet I fear to be the same in basic daily points, and therefore I have accepted and allowed absolute consequence for me to stand up from, instead of seeing and realizing the point of prevention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to manipulate my reality, to care for me to the point where my reality shows no care and I become the only point that has to stand up to care, real care, and because of my manipulation to care I have caused the problem only to be cared for when I know I have had enough care, and I should instead LIVE REAL care for others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist open self forgiveness with another, because I fear it exposing me and where I have hidden myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself within self-forgiveness as being a personal point and not an open point, and therefore I have resisted seeing myself with another/others openly through hiding myself within self forgiveness as being a personal ‘private’ point.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I have hidden my absolute power as seeing and understanding from others, and the gift I have to give openly without fear, through hiding and justifying why I cannot do self forgiveness openly, and expose myself to all Life. and within that have diminished myself to hide and always feel hidden to never have a voice, yet I see and realize the moment I can speak my self forgiveness openly for all to see, my voice becomes equal and one, open and for all to see, with no fear, because I know who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a motherfucker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a bitch and a motherfucker.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be a bitch and a motherfucker for what the fuck is best for all, seeing each individual point that will flourish within speaking and exposing what is here as who I am because I know myself, and I want to honour myself.

Your Secrets Keep You Sick (Your Lies Keep You Alive)

 

"No one gets through Life unscathed"  - this was a line channelled through me from my former business coach. Once he revealed to me he was a channel I insisted he channel for me in one of our coaching sessions. He agreed, and started typing, writing me out better than I had ever written myself out before. This line has always stuck with me, because I realized, if you are alive, you will experience abuse. You will experience betrayal, you will be scarred, wounded and hurt in some way. It reminds me of a passage in Shakespeare's soliloquy from Hamlet, describing how a great many would choose death over enduring the wrath that Life can deal, within the belief that anything is better than this earthly experience:

"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come"

If I am honest with myself I can see that ever since I was a child I have been a victim to life. By simply absorbing the "slings and arrows" and the "thousand natural shocks" that all flesh is heir to. By burying the hurts that happened 'to me' deep down, and holding the belief that I simply can not make it in this world. I am a victim. I am disempowered. I cannot do it. And in this way, it is like choosing death. Death without actually dying. Death as Not Living, as merely surviving until actual death comes. And along the way, with bits and spurts of empowerment, where I believed I could achieve something through my actions, when it did not turn out as I had planned, it would validate the apparent inadequacy and reconfirm the limiting self-beliefs. And it's still there. I can feel it in the fiber of my being, like a stubborn stoppage that needs to be proved wrong thousands upon thousands of times before I'd consider letting it go. It's like a safety net as a hesitation before each action, which becomes manipulation as a way to get what one wants and needs in Life, within the belief that this is the only way.

Although with Desteni, the tools and support from others, along with embracing the "slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" as Life's way of teaching, the "thousand natural shocks" as Life's way of shocking us out of our programming, so long as we are willing to accept it - I have learned that I do not need this anymore. That I can be direct and up front about what I want and need. I can go for it even if it means disrupting my reality and others within it, so long as there exists the agreement that they can also be direct and upfront about what they want and need. It takes some courage and balls, especially when you start exploring the outer boundaries of wants and needs, and finding that the quest for satisfaction can be insatiable, unquenchable, and you have to come to the realization that satisfaction comes as a decision of when enough is enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself and others within a perception and belief that it is necessary to do so in order to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my actions manipulatively within what I hold as a secret formula for survival, where each action must have some kind of future pay off that will come back to and benefit me, but instead of being open and honest with myself about the starting point of my actions, I delude myself with that false perception that the actions are altruistic and benevolent, knowing deep down that this is a lie I beLIEve is keeping me aLIEve, while I keep the reality of me a secret which is held within the self-delusion that nobody can know if I do not admit it, not even myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the transactional nature of the reality within which I exist, where I think and believe I have to live up to some form of absolute and unconditional altruism, judging anything transactional as ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’, ‘greedy’, ‘selfish’, ‘self-interested’ and ‘not best for all’, without seeing and realizing that such transactions can benefit everyone involved, and the transactional nature of this reality can be purified if it is done openly, honestly, in agreement and understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself into my own lies by thinking and believing only unconditional altruism is acceptable, while at the same time seeing and realizing that this is an impossible standard, but instead of getting real about truth and reality, I move into deception and lies, putting up an ‘altruistic front’, while in the background/secret mind knowing there is self-interest, there is expectation, there is payment due.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my actions and behaviours in order to try and attempt to manipulate my reality into ‘getting something in return for my efforts’, thus creating within me an expectation of a certain outcome from my world and reality where – if that outcome is not achieved, I feel abused by life, the world, reality and others within it, within the justification and excuse of ‘look at all and everything that I’ve done – now give me what’s mine, what I deserve” - all based on an idea or fantasy I had created of what my actions would bring or create in return.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others, myself, life, existence and reality when I do not get what I believe is my ‘just reward’ for ‘what I have done’ to ‘deserve’ it when in fact the entire formula had been created in my mind alone, with an exact desired result, without considering others, who they are, the nature of existence, reality and life, and without considering Who I Am within those actions, but only looking at the actions themselves and the payback reward I hold as an expectation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and others or life for what happens ‘to me’ in life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into resentment and anger about the things that happen in my life, thus accepting and allowing myself to become smaller and weaker, instead of learning from the things that happen in my life, and using them to become stronger, wiser, more understanding and thus – able to understand and support others as me – from victim to empowered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take full self-responsibility for what happens to me in life, in my life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest with myself about how I create my life, my reality and how what happens ‘to me’ is a direct result of who and how I have been and have lived, equal and one as input/output.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest about my input as me into my life/Life, so that I can then apply self-honesty and purify my input, thus purifying my output and the life I create for myself and others in awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself instead of being honest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and then hide from my own self-judgment by creating a false perception of myself according to what I define as ‘good’, ‘acceptable’, ‘worthy’, acting only in ways I deem as ‘good’, ‘acceptable’ and ‘worthy’ as actions of self-manipulation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exhaust myself and kill myself in a try and attempt to be ‘perfect’, living the lie that I am ‘perfect’ as every action is judged and assessed as ‘perfect’ which should bring ‘perfection’ into my life as what I fantasize as what perfection and life ‘should be’ according to my desires, thinking and believing that this is what is holding in place my survival, “keeping me alive” as obtaining my desires, desired outcome as if energetic desires was life, and without them “I die”, not seeing and realizing that only myself as my ego fears ‘not obtaining my desires’ as energy to feed myself as my mind/ego to continue. Within this,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny reality, simplicity, and the physicality of Life and what one actually needs to live here and to Live Here, placing myself into ‘survival’ as my ego trying to survive, instead of living, simply, Here as physical needs, which includes living words of ‘trust’ – lived physically, ‘love’ – lived physically, ‘support’ - lived physically, ‘care’ - lived physically, and so on, identifying physical needs and finding ways to live them physically as acts of true care, for others as myself, as giving as I would like to receive.

The FEAR of Being ALONE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the words

I Am Alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when

I am alone, nobody sees me,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when

I am alone, nobody cares for me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when

I am alone, nobody can feel me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when

I am alone, nobody understands me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when

I am alone, nobody knows what I am going through. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire for

people to just leave me alone. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire to be left

alone, for no one to come near me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire to be

by myself, to be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I want to

be left alone, or to be alone.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a deep-seated,

all-encompassing ‘volcanic’-eruptive fear to build within me in relation to the word ‘alone’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I really

in fact want to be alone. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that

behind the want, need and desire to be left alone, to not want to be around people,

to not like people, to not like the world, the belief that everything is fucked up, is actually

a cry for help, a cry for someone to care, for someone to listen, for someone to understand

and for someone to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a physical, addictive

desire to have someone come and embrace the entirety of who I am inside myself, for

someone to almost fit inside all that I am and make sense for me of who I am, what I am

experiencing, why I am experiencing it.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone

with/within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself and others within

the apparent ‘want’ to be alone, as a manipulation tactic as a way to seek attention to not

be alone, to get energy and experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as this cry for

attention, for someone to see me, for someone to understand me, for someone to

LOVE me, for someone to be with me for the REST of my life , instead of seeing,

realizing and understanding that it is all in an attempt to fill the void, to not have to face

the fact that I have not developed that relationship with myself completely yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the responsibility onto

another being to see me, to understand me, to love me, to embrace all of me, to explain

me to me, instead of being that and giving that to myself.

I forgive myself that I have used and abused ‘wanting to be left alone’/not wanting

support/help/not wanting to be comforted and consoled as a manipulation tactic/reverse

psychology to attract people to me, to make people want to do and be that for me, instead

of being self-honest about what I actually want and need, which is not to be alone, and also

to have a better relationship with myself.