What does it mean to ‘chase life’ rather than to ‘live life’?
For me it involved goals: academic goals,
relationship goals, location goals, career goals, family goals and so on.
I would create a goal for myself and then figure out a path
to get there, and I would walk that path, adjusting along the way. For me, at the time, this was sufficient and the 'right' way to 'fully live life', because I was accomplishing the things I set out to do.
The ‘chasing’ comes in when I would project the goal into
the future, and then project ‘who I would be’ when I got there, thinking and
believing that my self-experience would change once I accomplished the goal.
The thing is, when I would complete the goal, I would still
inevitably be the same person. I would have the same insecurities, the same
uncertainties, and I also noticed that new insecurities and uncertainties would
open up once the goal was reached, as the habit and pattern of participation into
such things in my mind still existed.
It is humbling to look back over the past decade and realize
that throughout all my accomplishments, all the effort and hard work, I was missing
one huge, important main ingredient: SELF HERE.
I never focused on sinking into my own skin, integrating
into my environment, and establishing a foundation of self wherever I was, because
I was always moving, changing directions, living places temporarily, keeping only
one foot in the present moment and another foot in the future projection:
constantly chasing ideas as future goals.
The consequence of this is that there
is little to no SELF (who I am, as I am RIGHT NOW) in the goals, there is only a projected
version of ‘who I will become then’,
only once I get there, as if the walking of the path and the attaining of the
goal was the most important defining action that would shape and create me.
My first reaction to this
realization was that I had been doing it all wrong and now I am back at square
one, but these actions or elements of the process of self-creation are
essential ingredients, and all is not lost. Along the way, I self-introspected, gained
self-understanding and awareness, developed skills and qualities that I now
have and cannot be taken away. I also gained work experience, degrees, certifications and money, which can serve me now and in the future.
What I was missing was a solid foundation of ‘self here’. Self Here meaning, the understanding and realization that I can be fully whole,
fulfilled and present in the Here/Now moment, that I belong here, wherever I
am, simply because it is where I have placed myself in awareness. I created a
path, and I am walking it – I don’t have to wait to attain something or
accomplish anything in order to develop these things, I have everything I need
to build my SELF right here and right now, wherein everything that I am not
satisfied with or that I want to develop can only happen right here, right now
in the present moment wherever I am. And it is not only possible, but rather
absolutely essential that I do so, otherwise I will never become the potential
I see, because I had placed it in the future, in a job, in a location, at a
certain salary and with a certain life.
I have developed an allergic reaction to makeup, very
strange.
Maite suggested I look into my relationship to makeup and
take responsibility for it. I thought, ya, why not?
This blog will cover the reasons why makeup exists, why women wear makeup, what are the consequences of wearing makeup, and a redefinition of makeup to serve as a self-support.
I did a little research into the desteni material regarding
makeup, why it exists and what it says about our relationship to ourselves/my
relationship to myself.
I will place here what I learned along with my own additions
as I sort out my personal relationship to makeup.
MAKEUP
Who are you making yourself up to be today?
I find when I apply makeup and look in the mirror and think:
“hmmm, I look very pretty” I’m like YESSSSSS! Now I can be comfortable and
confident around others! And it feels like these doors just open and so much of
my expression comes through much more easily then if I look bad, blotchy, old and
tired. In those instances I want to hide my face, don’t want people to look at
me too closely because why?
Because I think they will judge me by thinking I look bad,
blotchy, old and tired. So what’s so bad about that? Well, I think it means a
man won’t want to be with me, then I will never get the opportunity to have a
child, create a life with someone, I will end up alone, full of sadness and
regret, and I will die a slow, sad and lonely death and no one will be there in
my last moments.
Ok, lol! I have to laugh at myself right now. Also just in
considering that it is my own critical eyes looking at me and judging me in
these ways.
Furthermore, I feel like I will be viewed as less important,
disregarded, people will not want to be around me and will actually be cruel
towards me, I will be weak and helpless to do anything that brings enjoyment
into my life.
This is triggering a memory of being bullied in school, where
I was voted the ugliest girl in class, I lost all my friends and would walk
around the school yard alone. I developed the belief that it was because of who
I was and how I looked. It was really very few instances that had a
dis-proportionate impact on who I was, and unfortunately, instead of embracing
and accepting myself, I compromised myself by changing myself into ways I
thought would be more acceptable.
I always held on to that idea that the way you look can cause
a lonely and devastating life of ostracization and belittlement. After having experienced these emotions: I
changed, and the seeds were planted and grew to traits such as being a people
pleaser, acting in ways that people will like me no matter what, and holding
the all-encompassing fear that if I make the wrong move, people will turn on me
in an instant.
Lets have a look at some information I found:
Makeup represents:
“The separation of yourself in the expression of yourself as
who you are found in the starting point for the reason you wear makeup”
So basically, it is not makeup itself that is the problem,
but rather the starting point for the reason WHY we wear it, and what that starting
point/reason says about who we are in our self-relationship (or the
relationship we have with ourselves).
Let’s look at some of those reasons:
Starting point for the reason to wear makeup
“To look prettier
To look younger
Look more beautiful
Look more presentable
Look more acceptable
To attract men-
Wanting to attract men because you don’t love yourself, don’t
accept yourself, and are not grateful for yourself or your own self-expression,
and so want/need/desire a man to do all these things for you.
To look better than other women
Not feeling pretty enough”
All of these reasons have reasons behind them, such as:
“No self-acceptance, no self-love
Comparison, self-judgment
Comparison to other women
Self-judgment from the perspective of not accepting or
loving yourself.”
Some Self-forgiveness and I will add mine as well at the
end.
“I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself
to accept myself, because the only way I will accept myself is if and when I
wear makeup.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself
to love myself, and because I do not love myself, I will wear makeup to attract
men to be in a relationship to be loved.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
hold on to the construct and belief of having to be loved, instead of me loving
myself as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear
makeup to look better and more presentable than other women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
compare myself to other women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
compare myself to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
judge myself and who I am, and because
I judge myself I would rather wear
makeup to hide the judgment of me that exists within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
hide myself by wearing makeup because
I do not accept myself.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself
to consider accepting myself.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself
to consider loving myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think
that I am not pretty enough and I am not beautiful enough and that I am
required to wear makeup to fit in with society and all the other women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear
makeup because of the models and actors and actresses that I see on T.V. that
look so gorgeous and beautiful that I also want to look like them, so I wear
makeup.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
that I look so ghastly and so ugly and so not acceptable that I have to wear
makeup to be acceptable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
want to wear makeup to be noticed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
wear makeup as an antennae for men, to say: “I am here”, “I am here”, “I am
here”, “I have to have a relationship”, “I don’t accept myself”, “I don’t love myself”,
“I can only accept and love myself when I am in a relationship”.
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself
to realize that in wearing makeup for reasons and purposes separate from me
that is of the mind, I will actually become older much faster and much quicker.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself
to accept my human physical body and my skin as one with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
separate myself from my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself
to realize that my human physical body might actually be showing something if
there are pimples and wrinkles and things all over my skin, and that I am actually
able to correct this through self-forgiveness and self-application in every
moment, so that my physical body as me may express me as Who I Am within and as
oneness and equality of and as Life.”
Now me:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
think/believe/perceive that, when the way I look affects the way others treat
me, act towards me or behave around me that it says something about me, my
value, my worthiness, my acceptability, and my ability to be and experience ‘love’,
and so I wear makeup to influence the way others treat me, act around me and
behave, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it says more about
the other person, their process, their self-relationship and their
self-judgment that is being projected on to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear
not being accepted by others, not being valued by others, not being worthwhile
to others, and not be loved by others, and so wear makeup out of fearing experiencing
these emotions that I create within myself in a try and attempt to avoid
feeling them instead of facing the core and reality of myself, and within this:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
think/believe/perceive that value, acceptance, worth, acceptance and love comes
only from people outside of me and can be manipulated within and through
appearance and makeup, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it
comes from self first, and is then shared with other as equals, as one, as I
will share my self-worth, self-value, self-acceptance, self-love with others as
I share myself as an example of what it means to create and live these words as
self for real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
judge other women and compare myself to them in terms of appearance enhanced by
makeup, instead of seeing through the makeup, through the skin-deep layers, and
into the depths of the being that every woman is, equal to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
think, believe and perceive that the only way I can feel confident, open,
comfortable and expressive is if I look better by wearing makeup, because it
affects the way others treat me, thus making the statement that Who I Am depends
upon how I am treated by others outside of myself, instead of grounding myself
into myself, with clear self-understanding and self-direction within and as the
starting point of my actions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
think/believe/perceived that I am unlovable, that no one would ever love me,
want to be with and create a life with me if they saw me for real, due to the
fact that I had never loved myself for real, as I am, and so I hide the perceived
flaws and imperfections internally, behind personalities and characters, and externally
behind makeup, in order to attract someone that will love me FOR me, because I
had never given nor developed self-love for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
think/believe/perceive that I am unacceptable, that no one would ever accept me
as I am, and thus manipulate and contort myself into something and someone that
I deem as more acceptable, including wearing makeup, so that others will accept
me FOR me, as I had never created nor developed self-acceptance for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear letting go of makeup because I fear letting go of the feelings it gives
me, feelings of the comfort of hiding, of confidence, expressiveness, high,
better-than, etc… as if those
expressions were caused and created by makeup itself, instead of seeing,
realizing and understanding that I am the cause and creator of everything I
experience and so I am the one that decides which expressions I live and
experience myself as, and I do so based upon what is best for me as best for
all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
want/need and desire to wear makeup.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear not having makeup to wear and fear having to be seen with a bare face.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone because I think/believe/perceive the only way I will experience love and acceptance is within and through a relationship with another, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can live self-love and elf-acceptance, becoming whole, independent and completely self-responsible for my self-experience and self-relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying alone, lonely and full of regrets and remorse, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only real regret and remorse comes from never having developed a whole and complete self, a fulfilling self-relationship, self-love and self-acceptance, with a focus on self-expansion and self-growth and walking a process towards realizing my utmost potential in this life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other women, experience jealousy and envy towards beautiful and gorgeous women, within the thought, idea, perception or belief that their lives must be perfect, their self-experience must be only positive, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that each one is in a process, and the shallowness of basing self on appearance is known best by those that have lived a life of beauty, become old and died and equal death as everybody else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of superiority/inferiority with other women based on who looks best, instead of realizing my equality and oneness with all beings here, starting first with self-equality and oneness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the thought "I look pretty" when I wear makeup, and to connect that thought to a rush of positive energy, within the thought ,idea, perception or belief that I can now experience myself more positively, more comfortable, more confident and more expressive, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these qualities exist in me already and are not dependent on how I look/looking better with makeup.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the judgment of others, as other looking at my face and thinking I look 'bad', 'blotchy. , 'old', and 'tired' - because it would confirm all my worst fears about myself and my appearance, which would the trigger me to fear not having the opportunity to have a relationship, a child, and a happy and fulfilling life, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can create my life in such a way to open up these possibilities as I am, by first fulfilling and completing myself, creating a stable foundation of self, so that I can create and develop a life based on who I really am, and not a picture presentation of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death, instead of focusing on really living fully while I am alive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying alone, instead of realizing I have always been alone, but I have always had myself Here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and look at myself through the most critical eyes in the world, instea of developing myself and my expression and letting that shine through.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that perceived 'less-attractive' people are less important, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that so long as I deem others less-important, I am neglecting to see the truth, which is that i deem myself as less-important and live in constant fear of facing that aspect of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that what I perceive as 'less-attractive' people should be disregarded, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in wearing makeup and hiding myself, I have disregarded myself as Who I Really am and the fears that exist within nme, and the self that I have the potential to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if others perceive me as less-attractive, they will be cruel towards me, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that cruelness towards others is indicative of a personal self-relationship within them, and has nothing to do with me or Who I Am, but only that of them that I am representing of them in that moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear only experiencing negativity if I am not perceived as 'attractive', and then feeling helpless and weak if I am not, as an abdication of self-responsibility onto others by using them to create positive energy within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself tohold on to the memory of being bullied in school, where I was deemed 'ugly', which I accepted and allowed to define myself and create my internal self-experience based on that self-definition, which caused me to believe that if one is attractive, one has a better and more positive life-experience, causing me to want to look better, wherein I would use makeup to do so and from that starting point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by hiding behind makeup, within the validation and justification of my fears and beliefs about being beautiful and being ugly, thus changing myself, manipulating myself, suppressing and hiding aspect of myself due to not accepting myself Here, As I Am.
Redefining makeup:
An extension of my self-expression, to get to know parts of
me in order to bring them through into my life regardless of my physical
appearance.
Clearing the starting point from fear and hiding to
redefining and living words.
Words I can live that I learned through wearing makeup:
Confidence
Openness
Expressiveness
Comfort
Self-care
Self-love
Self-acceptance
Click here to watch the video The Design Of Makeup coming through the interdimensional portal, for truth and understanding about how we are designed.
For more support on how to develop self-love and self-care, click HERE.
For more support on developing self-acceptance, click HERE.
It had been over a month since I had been experiencing increasing
pressure, anxiety, irritation and agitation in my body. I felt fearful in
mundane moments, and my mind was racing most of the time.
By the time I got on
to Leila’s table I felt like I was ready to explode and that I just couldn’t
take it anymore, nothing I had been doing was working to resolve my physical
and emotional state of feeling overwhelmed, just barely keeping it together.
I lay on the table as Leila began testing, and as I lay
there all I could do was focus on my breathing to calm myself. As Leila began
working with my physical body and also discussing the important points with me,
I could feel my body begin to let go and relax.
What opened up was words that I had not been effectively
living, people in my life that were standing as examples for what to do and
what not to do, as well as an unconditional gift from myself to myself, where I
offered myself access through a reminder to myself of a time in my life where I
was at peace, full of passion and wonderment.
My balancing session did not end there however, as I went to
sleep right afterwards and had the most incredible post-balance dream of
hatching a turtle from an egg. Leila suggested I look into the dream symbology,
and when I did, I received another answer from using the symbology of the turtle:
Slowing down and walking a detailed process properly, instead of rushing
through it, became the solution as the way in which I could walk my correction,
from rushing and pressuring myself, to slowing down and reconnecting with
myself and my environment. I was able to re-access, re-create and re-define
that peace, passion and wonderment in my life in ways that suite me now, with
where I am at currently in my life process.
Even though the session was weeks ago, the effects of it are
still with me as I have been continuing to apply what I learned. My self-experience
has changed drastically; my mind is quieter, and I focus more on myself and
what is right in front of me. Additionally, and as a result of this, I have
become more productive and more creative, taking up projects I had given up on
not so long ago due to how I had been feeling then compared to how I am doing
now.
Now I am doing great! I feel as though I have surmounted a
giant hurdle that had been keeping me stuck, cycling over and over in the same
point. I am so incredibly grateful to Leila and what she is able to do, the
support I have received from her is invaluable, not forgetting of course, it takes SELF to apply the correction!
You can check out the EQAFE recording that opens up the point of giving ourselves unconditional gifts here:
"When a gift from life arrives for you, would you be ready to accept it?
Sometimes we may see and realize something about ourselves, but will
still hesitate to embrace it, or get stuck in feelings of unworthiness.
In this interview, we discover how we can get in the way of our own
growth, and what we can do to begin embracing instead of rejecting those
moments of realization that invite us to become something we lost touch
with, or something we’ve never been before."
To listen to the EQAFE recordings that supported me, check out:
"How do Turtles see human beings when accessing their awareness on a multi-dimensional level in this physical reality?
How does the Turtle focus on the application of ‘slowing down into your being’ to be able to ‘recognise and direct’ your Mind?
What is the difference between moving into a ‘slowing down into your being’ and moving in your Mind?
How can you practise slowing down and what difference will it make in your process of understanding your Mind?"
"Why is there a ‘time difference’ in the ‘pace’ with which your Mind /
Consciousness moves and the pace with which your beingness and body
move?
How can you exist in two different time zones in one body?
How does the difference of this pace affect your living experience in your body and in this world?
Why is it important to align your awareness / beingness with the pace of your being-body relationship?
"What challenge does the turtle present to you within the statement “moving slower, yet within that moving faster”?
How will understanding and applying this challenge in everyday life
support you to be able to direct your daily thoughts, emotions and
feelings more effectively?
Why will it take practice and discipline to move within the space and
pace of your physical body rather than the rush of consciousness
energy?"
