Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Day 168- OCD: Thoughts that Create my Own Prison



Within this blog I am looking at one aspect of how I create an internal environment that I trap myself within, and that I accept and allow to become a force that overruns my life. Similar to working on taking down the bars of a prison, one by one, working through it until it is no longer a prison cell at all. Herein, I am taking apart the aspect of avoidance and not taking responsibility for simple things in my world, which creates reactions inside of me that become so unbearable that I have actually created and manifested a disorder wherein I would constantly pick at my skin as a release from my own creation, but which at the same time feeds that disorder, thus continuing it within and as a vicious cycle. 

This blog is continued from:

Day 166- OCD: Walking Through A Possession- Facing My Own Consequences

Day 167- Moving Mountains

 


When and as I see that there is any kind of movement within me in relation to facing an obligation/responsibility/task/chore, I immediately stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-movement within the awareness and realization that any reactions I accept or allow towards an obligation/responsibility/task/chore stays with me, and as I linger within it, I feed it with energy and attention, I’m accepting and allowing it to bog me down, accumulating over time to an overwhelmingly reactive state which feeds and fuels obsessive compulsive disorder/dermatillomania within my life and world. 
I realize that within making the decision to walk through the disorder entails me stopping my acceptances and allowances, and stopping the accumulation of reactions to/towards obligations/responsibilities/tasks/chores, and instead stepping up and seeing them through.

I commit myself to begin tasks in a timely manner, and to see them through in order to expand myself as self-movement, self-trust and discipline

I commit myself to stop the movement that happens within me connected to the thought of facing a obligation/responsibility/task/chore, and I commit myself to, in that exact moment, instead move myself to begin the obligation/responsibility/task/chore, and to also see it through.

When and as I feel the backchat come up within me: “maybe someone else will do it for me”, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that following that backchat or internal conversation is complete disempowerment and self-sabotage; I can’t depend upon others to face myself for me, or make it easier for me, or allow me to ‘get out of the work’. As I’ve already pointed out in my other blogs: I’m not actually ‘getting out of’ anything- what I’m actually doing is creating more reactions and instability in my life and world by not learning how to do things for myself, and not growing and developing myself through challenging myself, but instead building up reactions as energies within me which eventually contribute to take me over, and contribute to OCD. Within this, I see, realize and understand that it’s never really about the actual task itself, it’s all actually about my reaction towards the task. So when I accept and allow the internal conversation “maybe someone else will do it”, or “I hope somebody else will come along and do it for me”; what I am actually stating is “maybe/I hope I don’t have to face myself and walk through my own self-created internal state/environment/resistances.” Within this, I am actually accepting and allowing the internal environment that I myself created through so easily accepting and allowing the backchat “I don’t want to do it/maybe someone else will come along and do it for me”, become the force that direct my life and Who and How I am within it, and this is NOT acceptable. 

Therefore, when and as is feel the slightest movement/flash/idea/hope/image of the internal conversation “maybe someone will come and do it for me,” I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that at that moment I am standing at a cross-roads, with a choice between self-expansion or self-compromise: The choice is consequences or solution: doing the responsibility and EXPANDING me, or not doing them and building energy and leading myself to picking my skin/OCD/depression.

I commit myself to choose self-expansion and LIFE over and above OCD/skin picking/stagnation/self-diminishment, by choosing to stop the pattern before it start, as soon as I feel the movement beginning a resistance within and as me.

I commit myself to face and walk through the resistances that I create by not catching them before their creation process.

I commit myself to take responsibility for that which I create within/as myself, instead of accepting/allowing it to over-take me and become the driving force in my life.

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