Friday, March 15, 2013

Day 168- What Happens to Marriages?




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Within this blog I will be taking a pause from my direct focus on my process of walking through obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), which includes compulsive skin-picking disorder (CSP), body-dismorphic disorder (BDD), and general anxiety, in order to clear my mind and walk through a point that has presented itself in my life. This point is the end of my 10 year marriage.

Within this, I realize that I am not truly ‘taking a pause’ from walking OCD, because OCD is present in everything I do, as I have integrated it into and as the very fiber of Who I Am. Therefore, as I walk this relationship character I become within relationships, I am also clearing aspects of myself that have contributed to OCD in my life.

What I have noticed is that, it always comes back to self-acceptance, including self-love, self-fulfillment, cherishing and honouring self, equal to and one with everthing and everyone that is Here. But is always comes back to self first- clearing self first, creating an equality-based self-relationship first. This process is a difficult one and requires self-will, self-discipline and self-movement- all things I require to walk out of OCD, and qualities which I never  truly understood or thought I could develop.  Without self-acceptance, self-love, self-fulfillment, cherishing and honouring self, it is very  difficult for me to change. I require myself to be there for myself, and I realize that within relationships, I give much of myself away.

I would ideally have a partner in my life, and would enter into an agreement with one that is willing to stand with me, but I will not do so without a clear starting point. I realize that without clearing the starting point, one is bound to repeat the same mistakes, over and over, every time. I will be required to clear myself as ‘relationship Kim’, I character I play to fit into the role of relationships, so that I can enter into an agreement as a whole being that doesn’t require to play roles to be accepted by another. If I remain this way, I will only ever compromise myself within relationships.

So, here goes: Beginning with the fear dimension of this character, then I will move through to the ‘thought’ dimension, the  ‘back chat’/’internal conversation’, and then the ‘imagination’ dimension.

The Relationship character:

Fears:

I fear losing someone that loves and cherishes me.
I fear I won’t find another before it’s too late.
I fear I won’t be missed.
I fear being rejected.
I fear not being wanted, needed and desired
I fear losing the projection of the future I had created/not having a projection of a future anymore.
I fear losing the image I had created for myself, of ‘who I was’ in a relationship.
I fear facing jealousy.
I fear sharing what I had, what was ‘all mine’.
I fear I’ve made a mistake.

"I fear losing someone that loves and cherishes me."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing someone that loves and cherishes me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to lose externalized environmental feedback that I can use to create the energetic experience of ‘being loved’ and ‘being cherished’- indicating a starting point of being ‘unloved’ and ‘uncherished’ due to having never developed or enhanced myself as self-love and never truly cherishing myself. Having always depended on my environment and people within my environment to obtain these feelings as if they were possessions, being possessed by energy instead of facing the fact that I had only ever been emptying myself out the more I sought these things outside of myself. Constantly and continuously recreating the starting point of ‘unloved’ and ‘uncherished’ within myself, thus manifesting the end result equal to and one with the starting point.

I commit myself to use that which I fear losing to show myself that which I am not providing myself.

I commit myself to map out practical steps which, when lived over time, will develop self-love and teach myself what it means to cherish myself.

When and as I see that the fear of being unloved and uncherished is coming up within me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the development of self-love and self-cherishing by reminding myself I am Here for me, walking this process for me, taking responsibility for me- so that I constantly learn to clear my starting point and base myself as self-acceptance, self-love, and self-cherishing,  equal to and one with all that’s Here- of equal value, equal love, equally cherished, thus within loving and cherishing myself, I love and cherish others as me, instead of using others to fulfill the void I had created myself as- loveless and uncherished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-love and self-cherishing outside of myself, into and as another, thus making the other responsible for filling the void/myself as void, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the more I looked outside myself and placed my value in what others could give me, I was actually giving myself away in return for the experience of myself. I was digging into myself and creating a void, and giving pieces of me away in return for the experience of love, and the experience of being cherished, which was only ever just that: experience; momentary sensations leaving nothing but a desire for more, while giving away my potential for self-love and self-cherishing, potential which could have been substantial- of actual substance which would become parts of me, giving myself back parts of me instead of giving myself away; Creating myself as something/someone of substance. I can depend on and trust that which is substantial, while experience is fleeting, unpredictable, unstable, and leaves behind only impressions of what could be- without a means to become it.

I commit myself to Take Myself Back, piece by piece, by recognizing where and how I give myself away, by seeing when and where I look to others to make me feel something.

I commit myself to walk myself towards self-trust, self-dependability, and self-stability, by stopping myself from seeking experience within relationships, and instead giving attention to that which I am in fact, and developing and enhancing that which I am in matter and in fact.

When and as I see that I am looking to gain the experience of being cherished and being loved from another, I stop, and I breathe, I bring myself back to brutal self-honesty, by reminding myself of that which I am actually losing/giving away/not developing /not substantiating, by instead seeking it from another as a feeling or experience. I move myself to stand equal to and one with those in my life and world, not to gain something from them, but to learn and grow, and face myself as them, to grow and develop together. Based on agreed upon principles, and not taking from each other that which the other never really had to begin with.

I will continue within my next blog…

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