Feeling Out-of-Place at a Party: micro-blog from Desteni Universe

I went to a party and felt incredibly uncomfortable. I was probably the youngest and only single, non-parent there. I was living in South Africa living a life so completely different than the attendees, who were mostly in their careers, buying homes and raising families. Looking at it, one would assume we  would have a lot to talk about and share... but the emotional experience I was having was crippling me from being comfortable enough in my own skin to "just be myself"

Here is a recording from a person that died and is now speaking through the interdimensional portal. I still struggle a bit with this point, but this recording gives some practical steps for how to approach 'just being yourself' in new situations.

Just Be Yourself - Life Review

"How did this being experience themselves when people told them to “Just be yourself”?
How is this statement unrealistic for most people in the world as it exists now?
How does this statement open up the question “Who am I?”?
What suggestions does this being have for entering into new situations and/or meeting new people?"

For now, from me: some Self-forgiveness on feeling out-of-place at a party I would have rather liked to enjoy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for feeling alien and out-of-place at social interactions like a house-party.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I have nothing to say, nothing in common with, no interest in and am bored by people my age at a house party or social event, within this:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge house-parties as boring and lame, thinking and believing that there are so many better and more important things we people can be doing with our time, and then judge the people at the parties as also boring and 2 dimensional, only to be proven wrong at times when I do open up and interact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not easily fitting in, or not enjoying such events as others seem to, thinking, believing and perceiving that I must now behave a certain way in terms of speaking and interacting like the others do, instead of being myself, or being more quiet/reserved/observational if that is who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, upon realizing that I do not have to live up to any behavioural expectations at social interactions, be left wondering who and how I am and how to express it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for sitting quietly and not talking to anyone wherein I feel embarrassed like I am doing something wrong where I look like I am not having fun, looked like i am bored, look like I want to be elsewhere, wherein, if I am really that bored and want to be elsewhere, then that is my responsibility to leave, but if I choose to stay, to then make it work for myself instead of complaining and being bitter.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that the only reason I have made social interactions such as 'house parties' boring, and difficult and alien is because i have for so long tried to live up to a standard, behave in a certain way, be what I'm 'supposed to' be, which will obviously never be an enjoyable experience, where, instead of taking self-responsibility, I've blamed house parties and social interactions for being boring, lame, alien, a bad use of time, etc... and not looking argh I I am within it and how I am actually creating that experience.

I forgive myself that I have Not accepted and allowed myself to use social events and house parties as a way to get to know myself better, to have some fun, let loose, let go and play around with different expressions or ways of interacting where I don't 'stick to the rules' I've created in my head, but develop and create new ways, my ways of being, doing and behaving.

Ruining a Dinner Party - micro-blog from Desteni Universe

Here I am cooking... or should I say 'ruining' dinner! As I was experiencing mostly one disaster after another.

New kitchen and kitchen appliances, new ingredients, new climate, air, water... everything is different here than when I am cooking in South Africa. Things were not working out the way I was used to as I was making my usual butter chicken, naan and paneer, yet there was a lot of pressure coming at me to cook a meal for a group of guests, not to the waste money spent on ingredients by things not working out, and to make something fabulous!

What happened was that I burnt the sauce even though I was cooking it a lowest level on the stove top. My cheese simply did not separate into curds and whey, but became a thick cream, my bread did not rise half as much as I am used to - all while using the same steps and measurements I always do!

I thought to myself, 'well this is a disaster', and was told by someone "if you fuck it up I'll kill you" lol! Half jokingly, yet at the same time not.

The interesting thing was that I felt totally fine about the whole thing: as things were not working out, I was feeling a bit bad, yes, but not stressed, not worried, not guilty... what existed in me was more along the lines of: I've done my best so we'll have to make do with whatever happens!

And it's funny because I remember walking this point of 'ruining a meal' at the farm - There is actual real consequence to it, with the resources wasted when resources are limited, and then people also depending on and planning their work etc around a certain meal time - and so I would stress every week on my cooking day to the point where I would get knots in my back... and it seems so silly now how I would project people being angry and disappointed and not liking my food, and it would trigger a whole spiral of reaction within me.

And so I worked on the point every week until it eventually became about practical skill development only (with of course enjoyment, expression, experimenting etc), where I let go of the expectations and projections and worked instead from a more grounded and present stance.

And this is what I did today, quite naturally as I was cooking this meal that was not working out. And it was a pleasant surprise to see my hard self-work pay off, because I used to get myself worked up into quite a state when preparing for guests to arrive in my home.

In this scenario, I saved the sauce by changing pots and not stirring up the burnt part, we made an experiment out of the overly creamy cheese, by breading and frying it into balls which were quite yummie, and the naan was much thicker and heavier than I'm used to, but everyone seemed to love it, and loved the butter chicken too! There were people that didn't show up as well, so a smaller group than expected, lots of left overs to take home, and a very calm, relaxed chef that could laugh at the earlier threats and expectations!

This EQAFE recording assisted me most in working with my anxiety. I listened to it years ago, and still apply the information today. This is one recording, but it is part of a series on anxiety which I'd highly recommend for anyone whose anxiety tends to get in the way of things they should normally enjoy:

Deconstructing your anxiety - Atlanteans' Support - Part 85

"This interview provides support on how to find the source of your anxiety and deconstruct it from your life."

 

Cleaning Up Shit and Undeniable Self-Responsiblity: micro-blog from Desteni Universe

After getting to bed waaaay too late, I was awoken at 5AM by a dog at my door. I opened it up to find a vast expanse of the living room floor covered in dog pee and diarrhea, about four or five distinct and large droppings, and then a plethora of small squirts and spurts splayed throughout to give a nice, balanced spread, like a work of art.

I turned around and went back to bed.

Backchat: "It's waaaay too early for this", "I definitely can't clean this up, I will vomit!", "someone else that has more time will get up and do it", "I did not CHOOSE this!".
...and on and on went my mind as I tossed and turned and could not avoid the undeniable position of responsibility I was in. So finally, I got up.

Attempt to avoid #1: Placing paper towels over all the poos and pees and going back to bed.
...backchat... tossing and turning...

Attempt #2: Wiping it all up all the poos and pees and heading back towards my room.
....undeniable responsibility stops me at the door.

Seeing it through: Finally, I had to live my understanding and realization of what it means to live self-responsibility, what it means to live self-movement, and what it means to move self despite resistances, backchat, justification and excuses, even and ESPECIALLY in the small, seemingly insignificant moments of Life.

So I went outside, found the mop, filled the bucket with soapy water and mopped the floor. Done.

The moral of the story?

Get up, get your ass out of bed and stand up at the beginning of each day, no matter what the day throws at you, even if it is, quite literally, really shitty (and not planned, not what you asked for, not something you created, or simply not pleasant).

In the daily moments, we learn, we practice, we develop. This is where and how we create self-will, bit by bit, moment by moment, practicing in the small, like a muscle, accumulation, and then ready and able if and when the big blows do come.

Standing up means moving self despite the mind-made reality, standing up from within excuses, avoidance, fear, justification and the rest of the figurative shit we create for ourselves to wade through in our own minds. Reality is tough enough as it is, why add to it unnecessarily?

 Wake up, BREATHE, be HERE, MOVE, and do what must be done.

Taking a Stand in Saying "NO": micro-blog from Desteni Universe

This week’s word I have been working with is ‘NO’. When it comes to saying ‘No’, I find my ‘people pleaser’ programming gets triggered. My process of coming to a ‘no’ in any given situation would be one where I would look first and foremost to what concessions I can make, where I can find or make the time and what compromises I can offer, where the end result would usually be a ‘Yes’, where it should have been a ‘No’/’No, not now’/’No, maybe later’.

In working with animals and with children, I have been placed in a position where I either re-define and live a proper ‘No’, or I get pushed around, feeling abused within unclear boundaries – because children and animals will take a mile when you’ve only offered an inch, testing your stand at every opportunity.

My re-defining and living of the word ‘No’ has been closely linked to my process of self-authority, and this week I would like to focus on the internal ‘No’ – that stand that I see I can take with myself and my mind, specifically when energies come up that tend to shake me, possess me and influence the entirety of Who and How I am.

In taking the stand and the certainty I am developing with my external environment, I now see I can apply it within myself too!

The important thing I have realized is that there is a difference between a ‘No’ that suppresses,
ignores and pushes the energy back down into myself (not good), and then there is the ‘No’ where I bring the energy up within me, really feel it, define it, embrace it as a part of myself, and then I take that stand and that stance and say ‘NO’ within myself – stating that I will not accept and allow this
energy to take me over in moments, that I chose instead to be Here and Breathe.

In a way, both telling myself ‘No’, and at the same time, hearing a ‘No’ from me – all within the understanding that this is NOT how I will accept and allow myself to be, that things are going to be changing now, that there is a part of me that is now being told to step down, and another part that will step up.

And even in voicing that word ‘No’ within myself, I am showing myself that the part of me that will step up, will in fact do so, is capable of doing so, is Here, ready and able to take that stand – because the process of developing that ‘No’ was in fact a process, it was strengthened and developed, walked through understanding, testing, trial and error and into a living. And now, being armed with that ‘No’, I can say the most difficult ‘No’ of all – the one I must say to myself, over and over until I change.

Reuniting With Ghost: micro-blog

And then this moment: 

 
8 days apart, traveling half way across the world, unsure if everything was going to work out, if he would make it into the country or be sent back, if he would be physically okay, alive, traumatized? 

And then this moment... How do I greet a being that supported me through some of my toughest times, that made me feel safe in scary situations, that I knew would have given his life to protect me during unrest in South Africa, that sat with me through week-long migraine attacks, that is THIS cute?
 
My response: an unconditional hug, a holding, an embracing, soothing, calming, and simply being there.

Ghost was pretty frantic, stressed, out-of-sorts when I met him at the airport in panama city. I had waited for him for 10 hours, driving around the city running errands with a friend, very hectic traffic, insane drivers, very very hot.
 
All was well at the beginning of the (what was supposed to be) hour long drive to Coronado where Ghost and I were staying, but the car engine God's had other plans.
We stopped for gas and the car died, completely flat, not even a click or a beep upon turning the key. Dead.
 
We worked well into the night diagnosing the problem, pushing the car to safety (can't jump a car at a gas station due to gas fumes and potential sparks, very dangerous), different cars jumping, different cables, lots of phone calls and random people showing up to lend a hand.

I focused on Ghost. Remained calm for Ghost, remained stable for Ghost.... but was it really all for Ghost? lol! And that's how he supports me to also be there for me, remain stable for me, keep calm for me.
 
Finally we made it home, and he was out like a light. Me too, shortly after. I listened to his sleeping grunts and yelps, and felt for the first time in a long time that things were as they should be.

Stepping Forward - Not Looking Back: micro-blog from Desteni Universe

As I was driving away from the farm for the last time, I didn't want to look back. I have driven away from this farm hundreds of times now, and I always look back. It's so beautiful, I can't help but admire the fields, at one point the horses, the trees, the river, even the buildings appear as though they sprung up out of the ground and belong there.

But this time was different. It was the Last Time. And so this time there was sadness - and I knew this 'looking back' was more me trying to create an emotional experience, a connection to the past. Like trying to take a snapshot and create a memory to hold on to, stagnant in time, keeping a part of ME stagnant.

But Life is not stagnant, it is forever moving, flowing - past, present and future always together in this Here moment - and all I can 'hold on to' is Who I Choose to Be, and thus, Who I Am in every
Here moment - learning from the past, acting in the present, creating the future. The one internal constant is this choice, and the external constant is change.

So I didn't look back this time, I looked forward, cause that's where I'm heading. I'm moving forward and I'm letting go of something I never thought I would have to let go of, and that's terrifying. And its exciting, and it's heartbreakingly sad.

I find with these goodbyes I always have this one last moment of wanting to fight it, to change my mind and hold on. In the past I have followed that decision and held on, and every time it has cycled me through repeating patterns where I inevitably ended up in the same position of choice.

Now it all plays out inside of me in a quantum moment, where I can see the entire pattern from beginning to end, seeing that it always ends up at that point of inevitability, and so I walk through the resistance, surrender the fight, and take that step forward. Full of fear sometimes, yes, but equally full of the courage to keep moving.

Please enjoy these ACTUAL photos I took of this place over the past 2 years - as in, not mental images/memories stuck in time - but physical pictures that I decide when to look at or not: