Within this blog I am picking up where I left off in my post: Day 168- What Happens to Marriages? I am moving systematically through the fears I am facing within leaving my long-term relationship and facing the world head on, alone, for the first time.
In my short history of dating, I fell into the familiar pattern of moving from one relationship to the next with very little (if any) time in between. I would always feel empowered, rejuvenated, comforted and safe when entering into a new relationship, especially after having just left one. I would come up with the thought/perception/idea/belief that, “this time will be different,” “this one will work out,” “this time I will be happy.” Within these internal conversations I was creating the belief that A) Relationships are supposed to fulfill me and make me ‘happy’, and B) That the ‘problem’ wasn’t me, but was rather ‘not being with the right guy’.
Within now leaving my relationship and committing myself to first clear my starting point before considering another relationship, I have, for the first time, understood the experience/causes of the experience/outflows of the concept of ‘rebound’. This occurred at first when I started putting down on paper what it is that I’m going through within leaving my relationship and being alone. It’s interesting how, when you don’t take things out of your mind, and put them on paper (or a word document), they can really generate and grow and develop beliefs/idea/perceptions/etc, beneath the general level of internal awareness, Moreover, these thoughts/ideas/perceptions/beliefs/etc, can actually be/become the basis and foundation of some pretty serious life decisions. It is a pretty scary thought to consider that important life choices are being made based on pre-conceived notions created from all these subconscious thoughts/internal conversations. And we are creating and generating these without really investigating what they are, or how we got to them. They can even become a force that directs us, wherein we have no real understanding of our impulses, preferences and even in some cases our actual actions. Without truly investigating and discovering exactly what it is we are accepting and allowing within ourselves: are we not binding ourselves to make the same mistakes, each time, over and over again?
As an example of the internal processes that I have discovered are going on within myself, leading me to understand the concept of ‘rebound’, I will take the list of fears that I wrote out from my post : Day 168- What Happens to Marriages?, and I will paste it here, and then follow the list with how I have experienced this in relation to ‘rebounding’:
I fear losing someone that loves and cherishes me.
I fear I won’t find another before it’s too late.
I fear I won’t be missed.
I fear being rejected.
I fear not being wanted, needed and desired
I fear losing the projection of the future I had created/not having a projection of a future anymore.
I fear losing the image I had created for myself, of ‘who I was’ in a relationship.
I fear facing jealousy.
I fear sharing what I had, what was ‘all mine’.
I fear I’ve made a mistake.
So what are the two choices as potential solutions that would solve all of these fears? The first one, and the one I see my mind drifting off to when and as I accept/allow the fear and insecurities creep in, is to plunge back into another relationship immediately: I would be loved again, wanted again, needed and desired again, cherished again, not alone anymore, taken care of, etc…
On the other hand, I could take apart and dismantle these fears, both with simple common sense, and also with the practical application of stopping the thoughts in awareness, and replacing them with actually giving myself that which I fear to loose or face. For an example on how I will do this, read Day 168- What Happens to Marriages? and/or simply follow my blog, or any of the ‘Journey to Life’ blogs which you can find by googling ‘Journey to Life’.
I have found myself strongly desiring to enter into another relationship, especially when things become more difficult, for example, when I feel alone/lonely, and when I start projecting my fears into the future. Leaving a relationship is upsetting, even if it wasn’t a healthy relationship. Both my partner and I know that this break is beneficial to the both of us. We have discussed it at length and have come to a mutual understanding and agreement that correction of the problems is beyond us at this point. Regardless, the separation is a huge change, and change is not something that is easy, as it is walking into the unknown.
This is also where ‘rebounding’ has come into play for me. The thought of walking into the unknown terrifies me, and I find myself instead creating these ideas of entering into a relationship with another partner and creating fantasies of what it would be like, what my life would be like and how happy I would then be. These fantasies are WAY more appealing than the reality of my situation, which is absolute alon eness, with only myself to depend on.
The reality is that we are in fact absolutely alone. At birth, at death, and in our minds. I endeavor to become comfortable and stable within this aloneness, because the only other alternative is to appease and sedate the anxieties, insecurities and fears that stem from this aloneness with tries and attempts to live out fantasies that only ever really existed in the mind. I endeavor to become comfortable and strong within this aloneness, building and creating myself to be able to make clear decisions from within it, and see those decisions through.
I will continue within my next blog, as I walk through the fears and everything else that I am carrying as a result of leaving my relationship, and clearing my starting point of entering into an agreement of two equal partners.
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