Day 231 - Learning how to Breathe

It's been less than a month since I've been back on the Desteni Farm. I spent a little under three months here before I went back to Canada for the holidays. I have been fortunate to be able to come here, although a lot of that fortune had to do with myself planning my life accordingly to be able to come here.

When I got here originally, I had highly intense internal experiences which I had become used to over time, where it is only in retrospect that I can see the extent of what I had been carrying around for so many years. With the support of those around me, I was able to work through the intensity, and slowly but surely reduce it.

After that, I began working on other points that had also always been there, but more in the background. And through my self-investigation (as well as constantly seeking support, either directly or indirectly asking and learning from others here), I began to understand and work with those as well. Everything now being a work in progress, a balancing or juggling act of different issues, patterns, habits, personalities and of course, my fundamental human nature that I am working on re-aligning according to the principles I wish to live, sorting out the disease and uncomfortability within me, I reached a point that I hadn't even realized I was struggling with. I realize that for so many years now, I haven't been able to properly breathe.

I am finally looking at my physical body in depth. My posture, how I hold my arms, how I walk, when am I holding tension, am I relaxing ever part of me, my back, my jaw, and even my eyes? And within playing with this relaxed stance and letting go of tension, I realized that I have not been giving myself enough air.

I will almost feel out of breath in moments, and take a deep inhale, not realizing that I had been taking short, shallow breaths for a long while. It had gotten to the point where when I was back at my job, I would stand up from my desk and feel light-headed, and lose my vision for a moment and have to compose myself for a few seconds as I caught my breath. But when I would try to breathe, everything would feel so tight, like there was no space in my body for my lungs to fill with air. It would feel forced and like I couldn't get enough in.

Now, for the first time in a long time, I can take nice, deep, long inhales, filling my lungs completely. All I have to do now is get in to the habit of it and keep remembering, not only to catch my breath, but to breathe more deeply all the time. Breath awareness. - I had forgotten how to breathe.

Note: I am walking a process of self-change using the tools of support offered by www.Desteni.org. I am taking the course called DIP Pro. In this course I learn how to take every day moments and find ways to make myself a better, more understanding and well rounded human being, the kind of human being I would like to see in this world. "Be the change you want to see" is a cool saying, but actually doing it is a bit more confusing because people tend to believe that you can't change human nature. I believe you can, because I have seen myself changing to someone I've always wanted to be. Not there yet, but my motivation is fueled by the proof I have given to myself, which I have documented online every sep of the way, in my blogs and on youtube. DIP Pro requires serious dedication and commitment, it is ot for the faint of heart. If you want to test the waters for yourself, try the Lite version, it's called DIP Lite, and the best part is, it's free! Why? Because Desteni puts individual self-change above profit. Why does DIP Pro cost money? Because it costs money to exist in this world, and takes a dedicated team to run the program. Otherwise it would also be free.
Visit www.Desteni.org

Day 140- Assertiveness as Steadfastness as Breath (pt 4)

In this blog, I will be purifying and then redefining the word ‘Steadfastness’, in my previous three posts ( read them here: 1, 2, 3), I have done so with the word ‘assertiveness’. I am doing this so that I remove my relationship to the word, the relationship I have created with/towards the word, within which I would seek to experience the word as an experience, rather than actually living the word in my daily breath to breath application of myself as Who I Am.
For example, if I have connected a positive connotation to the word ‘steadfastness’, then I would chase that positive feeling in an attempt to be steadfast, when steadfastness, by its very definition, implies a dutiful consistency regardless of one’s emotional or feeling state. So could I call myself steadfast if I only lived steadfastness in bits and spurts when I was feeling ‘positive,’ ‘motivated,’ or ‘up to it’, wherein, as soon as I fall into a slump of some sort I fall back to old habits? No, obviously not. That is not a living word; that is rather an internal experience based on energy, labeled by a word, which is thus then subject to energy with no consistency, and which can therefore not be trusted. In order for ‘steadfast’ to become a living word as me, it is necessary to learn how to live the word practically. It is necessary to practice being consistent through all the ups and downs I may experience as I stabilize myself, in order to prove to myself that I Am Steadfastness, consistently, until I can trust myself as ‘steadfastness' in each breath, as breath.
First I will write self-forgiveness statements to expose and debunk the definition I currently hold of the word steadfast, so that I can redefine it from a clear starting point, in a practical way that I can actually apply in my life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfast’ with a positive charge.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word ‘steadfastness’ as good/positive/right.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ by charging the word ‘steadfastness’ with a positive charge, and judging the word ‘steadfastness’ as good/right/positive in separation of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfastness’ with the image of an older ‘successful’ male.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfastness’ within the image of an older, successful male.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the image of an older, ‘successful’ male, by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the image of an older ‘successful’ male, in separation of myself.
Obviously, as a woman, I can never be an ‘older, successful male’. However, it is my relationship to the image in my mind, as that which it represents to me, that I am not allowing myself to be, by separating myself from it by creating an image of it in my mind, as if only ‘older, successful males’ are able to embody the word ‘steadfastness’- thus never actually accepting and allowing myself to fully live the word myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word steadfast to the word ‘sturdy’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘sturdy;.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the word ‘sturdy’ by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘sturdy’ in separation of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfastness’ with the word ‘strong’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘strong’.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the word ‘strong’, by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘strong’ in separation of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word steadfast with the word consistent,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word steadfast within the word consistent,
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfastness’ and from the word ‘consistent’ by defining the word ‘steadfastness’ within the word ‘consistent’ in separation of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘steadfast’ to the image of a big tree..
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘steadfast’ within the image of a big tree.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘steadfast’ and from a big tree, by defining the word ‘steadfast’ within the image of a big tree in separation f myself.

Dictionary definition:
Resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering: "steadfast loyalty".
Sounding out the word::
inSTEAD of FASTNESS
New Definition:
Moving with the physical, resolutely and dutifully firm and unwavering breath by breath self-movement with and as the physical. Not becoming swept away by the racing mind, not participating in the energetic forces that occupy one and pull one into the mad rush, the daily rush; the daily race that is the human race; the rat race.
Remaining Here, present and aware, consistently and steadily, bringing self back Here every time, no matter what. Letting go of the want/need/desire to get ‘there’ and to be ‘there’ instead of slowing down to the nearly standstill eternity of Here.

 

 

Day 66- Postponement Character (Self-commitments)

What follows is a series of self-commitment statements and self-corrective applications to assist and support me to stop participating within and as the characterization of ‘postponement.’ This is a character which I describe Here, and self-forgive Here and Here. Postponement has become a force to reckon with within my life, as I’m sure many can relate. The characters we play all stem from a single fear. Once I have forgiven this character, written a self-corrective script, and committed to my self-change, I will identify the singular fear from which I created this entire character. That information is still however, hidden deep beneath the layers I am now pulling up. So, when I have cleared myself, I will reveal the fear so that I may forgive it too, and face it.

Backchat (self-talk)

I commit myself to identify all backchat when and as it comes up, call it out and breathe through the reactions it creates within and as me.

When and as I see that I am back-chatting in my mind I stop, and I breathe. I call myself out on the backchat within the understanding that I am talking myself out of doing a task, which is an automated program I have accepted and allowed myself to design and live out for most of my life, which I no longer accept or allow to exist within and as me. I thus push myself to walk through the discomfort by becoming one with it and equal to the discomfort of pushing myself and changing as it to finally end it and live instead from breath to breath with no reactions.

Creating a resistance:

I commit myself to observe and eventually stop myself from charging thoughts of the task at hand with negative energy because of and through the back chat I participate within and as in relation to the task which I am resisting doing.

I commit myself to see myself, and the reality of myself and what I am doing to myself when I live within and as unawareness wherein I simply just react and allow myself to be directed by my reactions and how I feel inside, instead of investigating why it is that I actually feel that way, and seeing, realizing and understanding the simplicity of being able to STOP within that self-understanding.

When and as I see that I am charging thoughts of performing a task with negative energy, thus building resistance, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness and the simplicity of breath by understanding that I am busy making something harder than it actually is, and that so long as I see what I am doing, I can stop in one moment, before it gets too hard, and before I create a mountain out of a molehill.

I commit myself to stop participating in back chat to the point of allowing it to affect and direct me.

I commit myself to see through back chat and take my power back by stopping my participation within and as back chat, or walking through the manifested consequence when and as I let myself go too far.

When and as I see that I have accepted and allowed myself to go too far into the mind by following, feeding and participating within and as backchat until I have manifested myself as the actual experience of my thoughts I stop, and I breathe. I allow myself to embrace myself as the experience completely, within reminding myself that I can stop, and that there is another way and that I am committed to stopping the thoughts and backchat that limit, suppress and sabotage me so that I can walk breath by breath, one and equal, self-directive Here.

The polarity of Good and Evil:

I commit myself to stop myself from participating within and as positive and negative polarities wherein I have split the world into ‘likes’ and dislikes’ wherein I spend half the time pursuing the ‘good’ and the other half avoiding the ‘bad’ thus spending the entire time not directing myself according to what actually needs to get done or what is actually beneficial to me and best for all.

When and as I see that I have charged/am charging a task with negative energy (thus creating a resistance and not wanting to do it), I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to stability by becoming one with and equal to the energetic experience I created so that, instead of resisting and trying/attempting to avoid it, I embrace it and face it and move myself to stand up from within it. Ideally I will stop this experience before it starts, but I see that I am still accepting and allowing myself to create this experience for myself and thus within this self-corrective application I direct myself to move from within the experience I created so that it no longer directs and controls me.