Day 32- Pressure, Stress Self-Movement

I’m finding that, although I don’t experience stress as acutely as I did before I started this process, I still tend to build up pressure at times when I have a lot on my plate. When I was investigating my internal experience within this, I noticed that the pressure build up from stress was due to a lack of self-movement and a lack of self-trust. When I look at this pattern I see within my past that I was a bigtime procrastinator throughout my school years, and I had a lot of negative consequences due to that, such as bad grades and disappointed teachers/self. I truly wanted to do well, but I simply lacked the skills necessary to develop the ability of self-movement, so I would depend on motivation and stress. Over the years, stress became the most efficient motivator, so I used it in that way, but then I started to have physical symptoms related to stress, as well as accumulations of stress energy which are very unpleasant. These accumulations remain with me today, so some self-forgiveness is necessary on this point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to do something ‘good’ or do something well, and then sabotage myself by procrastinating, leaving it till later thus accumulating stress within the thought of doing it with the added pressure of ‘doing it well’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project  doing something ‘good’ or ‘doing it well’ into the future as if it will just happen easily and effortlessly at a later point, instead of realizing that if I move myself immediately in the moment, I will develop the necessary self-movement and self-trust in order to avoid the accumulation of stress energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate due to the resistances I create for myself within the polarity experience of positive energy wherein I desire/plan on ‘doing something well,’ but then don’t immediately move myself to step-by-step get it done, thus then experiencing the negative polarity thought/perception/projection that I won’t be able to do it as well as I would like, or that I will do it poorly.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to consider the step-by-step process of starting a task immediately and then seeing it through to its completion, but instead I leave it till later wherein I have less time to ‘do it well,’ and end up sabotaging myself by rushing through the task and disappointing myself with the final result.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself with procrastination.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the polarity of positive/negative energy when contemplating ‘doing a task well,’ instead of simply taking a breath and starting immediately, or a soon as I am practically able to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within my mind projection in which a task will be easier at some future point, wherein I am caving in to the resistance I accept/allow in the moment of thinking about beginning a task.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as self-sabotage.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as procrastination.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-sabotage to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing procrastination to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to cave in to the mind, thus making the statement that it is more powerful than me and more powerful than my ability to move me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to depend upon stress to motivate me to move myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as stress.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing stress to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accumulate stress energy within and as me.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to move myself effectively without stress energy/motivation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I need an internal energetic experience in order to move me, instead of realizing that I Move Me, and that I have only ever moved me, and the energetic experience was only ever a self-created experience/illusion.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harvest energy from the physical in order to create the illusion that I as my mind as energy has the power/control, instead of realizing that my physical body is what moves me from moment to moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my physical body and from self-movement within the thought/idea/perception/belief that I am my mind as energy, and that I require energy to move me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto memories of failure and disappointment to/towards myself, which I manifested for myself as a consequence of lack of self-movement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the memories I hold onto which relate to stress/failure/disappointment from my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my memories as m self-definition as Who I Am into the future, thus scripting myself as I have always been, instead of stopping this pattern and standing up within the realization that I Am Here, I Move Me Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Here, and from my physical body by living/existing in the past as memories and as my mind as energy and energetic experiences instead of living Me Here, within and as my physical body.

When and as I see that I am procrastinating doing a task rather than taking a breath and beginning the task, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the understanding and consideration of all the steps required to start a task and see it through to its completion- realizing that, the sooner I start, the more time I will have to do the task well. When and as I see that a task is at hand, I simply take a breath and begin, taking it one step at a time, until it’s done.

When and as I see that I am creating a resistance within me towards a task, I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that resistances must be walked through, that they are indicative of change, and that they will not last forever.

I commit myself to walk through the resistances I create/generate/manifest within me toward self-movement and self-change, specifically with regards to stopping my participation within the pattern of procrastination.

I commit myself to practice taking a breath and then moving me in the moment, until self-movement is Who I Am.

I commit myself to stop defining myself by past memories which create energetic experiences inside of me, and to instead start taking the necessary step towards living Here, in the present moment- the only place I can move me.

Day 31- Quitting Love- No Sense of Self

            This blog post is a continuation of my post titled “What is Left After Love?” As I continue to walk through letting go of my addiction to ‘love,’ which extends beyond only relationship/romantic ‘love,’ to all forms of what I believed and had defined myself according to what I thought was ‘love.’ It’s not love, and I don’t know what to call the experience I used to define as ‘love.’ It was an experience I would create within me, a positive energetic experience that I sought in all relationships, which I completely compromised myself in order to obtain from these relationships, based on feedback which I would interpret and then react to within myself as the experience  of ‘love.’

            But, as I said, it was not love. It was absolute disregard for Who I Really Am, which, leaves me feeling just kind of empty and lost. But at some core place within me, I’m okay. It’s similar to when I quit weed and alcohol, wherein, because I was not receiving the ‘highs,’ I immediately wanted to interpret the experience as a ‘low,' wherein I was left feeling like, "what do I do now."  But then I slowly realized that “I’m okay,” “I’m still Here.”

  Yet, I am not completely Here, as I must quit and let go of all my inner energetic feeling and emotional experiences because now I see them for what they are: absolute self-compromise. The crazy thing is, looking back, it’s like I knew it all along. I was aware of every time I manipulated, converted and contorted myself to fit a role, gain an experience, or please myself or another. Every time I diminished myself, went into superiority or lied to myself about who I was… I knew. And I still know.

            So, now the decision has to be made: who will I be? I guess that’s the big question. In looking for an answer to that question, I look to the only thing that has been consistent, supportive and unconditional, which is my breath and my physical body. These are ‘parts of’ me that have never abused or compromised me. Only myself as my mind has done that. I’m like this little passenger in this vessel, and the vessel has been my life-support, but my whole life I have judged it, abused it (literally), been ashamed of it, or flaunted it as if it were my possession. It is not my possession, it is all that I am, thus, it is so much greater than me as a passenger, who has not honoured it.  Yet it is absolutelyequal to all other physical substance that’s Here. That is a concept that we passengers find hard to grasp, because we so badly want to be the stars of the show and have it be ‘all about us.’ But we are absolutely dependent upon our vessels, and in fact, they are the only thing that is real about any of us.

            So, forgiveness on this point is at the same time long overdue and only possible now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise and abuse myself as my physical body, as I as ‘the passenger’ as my mind took absolute control and subjugated my body instead of realizing it is/was the only thing about me that has ever been real.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted or allowed myself to honour my body in/for every moment that it has unconditionally supported me, which is in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I as a mind am/was the star of the show, that my internal experience of myself was all that mattered, and then judged my body as ‘less than, ‘shameful,’ and ‘imperfect.’

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize and understand that my physical body is perfect, because it is exactly what it is supposed to be- physical matter/substance, and the only imperfections are those which I have caused due to abuse over time, conditioning and habits.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also have participated within the polarity of judging my body as ‘beautiful,’ ‘sexy,’ and ‘seductive,’ etc… and then limited myself by defining myself according to these judgments, judgments which shifted and changed from day to day, thus causing me to experience ups and downs, and instead of stopping my participation within these polarity cycles, I blamed my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my physical body for my negative internal experiences, wherein I would cause myself to pump myself full of chemicals associated with shame and self-loathing, causing my body to endure such chemical and energetic rushes which takes away from it as it I abused it to support my fleeting emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my physical body as I slowly accept and allow myself to waste away, instead of realizing that I was wasting the only thing I ever really was for that which I never really was, which is experience- fleeting and limited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose that which I never really had, for that which I already am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value that which destroys me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be that which destroys me, so thoroughly that I became it, and thus continued to destroy me, as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to believe, and to base who I am upon beliefs and ideas, ideals and fantasy, instead of looking at the actual reality that is Here, wherein it is all so obvious and the evidence and signs of it are everywhere, yet in it, as it, I couldn’t see it.

When and as I see myself looking for experience out of fear of ‘not knowing what else to do,’ ‘who to be,’ or ‘who I am without roles,’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the understanding that I am still okay, I am still Here, and I will always have me, within and as each breath. I remind myself that it’s okay to not know who/how to be, and it’s better to do nothing than to try/attempt to be what I’m not for the sake of experience.

I commit myself to continue opening my eyes, and to teach myself about that which is actually Here, by looking, seeing, realizing and understanding, and giving myself the platform of self-support that can provide through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

I commit myself to walking this process into the physical, because now I truly see what a sham it all is/was/has been and will continue to be if we keep on ‘living’ the way we are currently accepting and allowing ourselves to love.

I commit myself to honour and move within and as my physical body in every moment of breath.

I remind myself:

One step at a time

I am Here

In every moment

Day 30- Using LOVE as a DRUG

            I used love as a drug. It picked me up when I was down, it made me feel secure when I felt insecure, it assured me I was beautiful when I was certain I was ugly, I used it because I did not love myself, I used it when something bad happened during the day that made me feel guilty, bad, inferior or taken advantage of. I used love to complete me, because I allowed myself to be un-whole. I used it to boost my ego, and I used it to boost the ego of another, to keep him addicted, so that he would never ever leave me.

The only thing I didn’t use love for, was to support myself, to love myself, to complete myself, to stand up for myself, and to console myself. I abused the drug of love, and now I am half a person.

I used to think it was romantic, to say I am half of something, ‘he completes me,’ ‘I’m his,’ and stuff like that. But seriously, do I really want someone to own me? Do I really want to do that to another? The whole ownership aspect, to me, stems only from security issues, wherein one does not feel one could handle life, the world, the day without one’s partner. Do I really want to be ‘half’ of something, wherein I am left un-whole if he leaves? If he finds another love am I then just left to flounder as I have not developed a whole self to support myself with through life? That is NOT what I would prefer. If I were to say ‘he completes me,’ that is equivalent to the statement that I do not complete myself: that there are parts of me that I’m just not going to work on or try to change, because those are now his responsibilities.

Usually at the beginning of relationships, we don’t advertise that we are un-whole, needy and dependent beings searching for completion and security. We instead project an image of ourselves as complete, confident, independent, and ‘happy’- perfect for a healthy partnership. Conversely, if we show our neediness, insecurity, and dependency, we will then attract a mate who is looking to fulfill us because they cannot fulfill themselves, or someone who is looking for something safe, due to their own insecurities, and they may then project themselves as dependable, confident, secure etc…  What if we were completely self-honest with each other upon initiation into a relationship, wherein we would state our list of needs from the get go? “You need to be able to make me feel secure within myself. I also require constant approval and validation. You will also need to let go of your goals and dreams, and create new goals and dreams which I approve of, otherwise I will not feel loved.” OR, “I require you to depend on me completely, so that I can create for myself an image of dependability. I will also require you to need me constantly so that, no matter how much I judge you or how I treat you, I know you will never leave me, so that I may feel safe and secure…” and so on.

Good luck with that.

 And it is mostly luck after all. It’s ‘luck’ because we don’t usually lay our actual needs and expectations out on the line for the other to make a decision based on the actual reality of who we are. How long can we keep up the roles we play, do we become those rolls permanently? If that is not who we are, and we do not investigate and explore and get to know who we really are due to the rolls we play, will that then not lead to resentment and blame? But we do not necessarily make decisions in this practical way- rather, we usually determine our partner based on the way he or she makes us feel- which is also the rationale behind which drugs we prefer to ingest. The inner emotional experience is also a drug, as it is a chemical experience produced within the body that makes us feel good. Within this, are we really taking into consideration who the other person really is, at all ? Or are we basing our choices on self-interest, both parties more concerned with the high they are receiving, the internal experience that affects nobody but them, without considering how the other may be compromising themselves, suppressing themselves , or even EXpressing themselves in a way that is not who they are, because they are responding not to an equal partner, but to an addiction.  I’m sure some relationship have elements of mutual enjoyment, genuinely ‘good times,’laughter, deep talks maybe, but at what cost to oneself?

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become addicted to the internal chemical reactions my body produces when another treats me in such a way which I use to create an internal experience of feeling good, or feeling bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use another human being within and as self-interest, only to manipulate and control my internal experience, from positive, to neutral, to negative, over and over again in cycles, , or if those cycles stop, I declare I am ‘no longer ‘in love,’’ and after a period of time, I search for my next fix.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to consider the actual realit of the being I am with, wherein I am able to interact without the need to become high within myself, but interact rather on an equal playing field of support, where each supports the other to stand and become whole, secure within themselves, independent, stable and self-honest.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize that I use relationships to generate the ‘love drug’ to keep me constantly in a state of feelings or emotions, so that I never have to confront myself and the reality of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself in a way that I think/believe/perceive will trigger the ‘love drug’ within my partner, in order to keep him interested and coming back for more, so that I may also continue to get my fix.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having/experiencing the effects of the ‘love drug’ within me, for fear that I will then have to face my internal experience within absolute sobriety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my internal experience will change to one of dis-satisfaction, insecurity, un-specialness, and all the other consequences of living as an un-whole being within myself, which I was able to do because it felt ‘okay,’ because I was self-medicating with the ‘love drug.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel terribly sad to lose the ‘love drug,’ as it has/had become my close friend, my comfort, my illusion of happily ever after, my projection of perfection and the comfortable, secure lie I was living, which I called ‘love’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear withdrawing from the ‘love drug’ because I don’t know how to operate any other way, and because I’m so used to the comfort and security of predictability, that I have never directed myself, step by step in to the unknown place that is Here.

When and as I see that I am falling back into my addiction to love, searching for that good familiar feeling, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that I am compromising myself and my partner. I remind myself that the easy road is raaaaarely the road that’s best for me and best for all, because it is usually the road of self-interest, without a consideration for actual realityand the other beings within it.

I commit myself to withdraw from the love drug so that I may live and experience me for the first time.

I commit myself to walk my life as what is best for me and best for all, instead of placing my addiction to love above me, above my partner, and above living life in a way that will bring about a better world than the one I experience today.

I commit myself to living in a way that will produce results that are best for all.

Day 29- Living Words

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak every word within and as self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak words that are less-than me, and less-than life, and have thus created myself as less-than Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak words carelessly, as verbal diarrhea, thus creating myself carelessly as one that runs and hides from Life and from the living word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak words that are not living, thus creating a self-that is not living in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse free-will as self-interest within my speaking and doing, as I live the word I speak that are less-than life.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to Live and Speak words as Life.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to create myself with and as my words as one and equal to all that’s Here, but have instead abdicated my self-responsibility to words of self-interest, which allow me to continue living within escape, addiction and abdication.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to take the time to prove to myself that I am in fact Here, living, by speaking words as me, as my living flesh, as what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as one and equal within the words I speak/have spoken.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider all that is Here within my every word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as my words spoken and live in anything other than oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am my own creator as the words I speak, and therefore have manifested myself as words that are less-than life, thus manifesting myself as less-than life without realization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think.believe/perceive that I did not know that I was speaking words as less-than who I am as life, but rather continued accepting and allowing myself to create myself as less-than life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself life, by not giving life as the living word, and have thus only manifested myself as devolution.

When and as I see that I am not speaking self-honestly, as living words which consider all and what is best for all I stop, and I breathe. I take a moment to allow myself to return Here, to self, in order to speak as me, and not as mind, thus taking all the time I need to speak self-honestly in every word, without fear.

I commit myself to practice speaking self-honestly as the living word, within and as each word, until it is an automated action that I have proven to myself and thus can trust.

I commit myself to become the living word as what is best for all life.

Day 28- Self-Blame versus Self-Forgiveness

Day 28- Self-Blame versus Self-Forgiveness

            It’s so easy to blame. When I take a good, self-honest look at my life, like and overview, I see that I used blame a lot. Everything I felt, every internal experience, I felt was caused or consequence of the actions of another. When I started to take myself back from blame, through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, I began to stop blaming. But I realized: something is still there. As it turns out, the one I really blame the most, is me.

            I understand the principle that everything we do unto ourselves, we project on to others, especially the really destructive, self-sabotaging stuff that we don’t want to admit or take responsibility for. For me it is self-blame. Not only self-blame, but for now, I am walking the point of self-blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am the cause of the moods and reactions of others, and thus, I am to blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, and/or perceive that “if only I were a better child/person/friend/wife/sister/daughter, then everything and everyone around me would be better.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for suppressing me, compromising me and punishing me, instead of taking self-responsibility for the self-suppression, self-compromise and self-punishment within the realization that blame has no value/place/worth to me or anyone else, and only abuses both the blamer and the blamed, and it does NOT lead to self-change or self-improvement, it rather cycles within me and diminishes me over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself with self-blame, by constantly putting myself down and belittling myself in relation to others because I blamed/blame myself for all that is wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for situations that had/have nothing to do with me, and which are beyond my control, instead of taking self-responsibility for me, and allowing the situation to unfold, as it will, and finding my role within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as self-blame, within the belief that who I am is ‘bad,’ or somehow ‘not right,’ instead of realizing that each one is reacting to themselves, and to what they have accepted and allowed within them, just as I am doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the ego-centric position of thinking, believing and perceiving that everything is elated to me, instead of realizing my absolute equality with everything and everyone, wherein EACH must take self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that ‘I’m not good enough,’ and thus blame myself when I perceive others are dissatisfied with me/my work/our relationship/friendship, etc...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly look for dissatisfaction, in order to confirm to myself, that I am to blame.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that self-blame is an abdication of self-responsibility, because it is the statement that ‘I am flawed and cannot change, and thus I must be blamed instead.’ Within this I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that self-blame is self-sabotage, wherein I blame myself as a way to put myself down and disempower myself instead of standing up and changing me, due to the FEAR of standing up and changing me, because that would involve taking a good hard look at me, what I have allowed myself to become, and what I have accepted as myself, as less-that who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself, as self-victimization, because I have blamed me over the years, instead of stopping my participation in this pattern and instead empowering myself to live me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed blame to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as blame in any way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the experience of being crushed, and the absolute disempowerment that I experience when and as I participate in self-blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use blame to create a negative emotional-energetic experience within me, due to my addiction to and enslavement by the highs, neutrals and lows of energy.

When and as I see that I am participating in self-blame or blame, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back Here within reminding myself that blame only prevents me from changing that which I am blaming myself for. I direct myself to stand up within and as self-blame, and allow myself to release myself from self-blame within the understanding that it does not serve me within my process of self-change.

I commit myself to, through writing self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, eradicate self-blame and blame from my life completely, and replace it with self-responsibility- thus empowering myself to change me and direct me.

I commit myself to taking myself back from self-blame, within self-forgiveness for all the times I gave myself and my power away within and as self-blame (and blame).

I commit myself to understand and be aware of how I use self-blame daily, so that I may stop, and instead start living.

Day 27- My Emancipation from 'Love'

              

Day 27- My Emancipation from Love

            Looking back upon my relationships, specifically non-platonic relationships, although all apply, I see how much I have compromised myself for others. Whether it be a feeling of guilt when doing something ‘for myself,’ or not even doing the thing at all, out of guilt, or looking into the future and limiting myself and my options because of a consideration of my partner and where and how they fit in. I’ve limited my options of what I ‘can’ and ‘can’t’ do, based on, not the actual person, but my perception of the person, meaning, my beliefs about them, my ideas and thoughts that I’ve built and manifested as an ‘image’ of the person, rather than actually considering the actual reality of the person. Or furthermore, submitting myself to the wants, needs and desires of the other person, without voicing myself and who I am within how I would like to direct me and my life.

            Continuing from my last several posts wherein I am taking myself back from ‘love,’ and at the same time, ‘allowing’ my partner to do the same (I threw a few fits before the obvious stared me so blankly in the face that I couldn’t NOT stand up from within the experience (the ‘obvious’ being that I can’t ‘withdraw’ from ‘love’ but still expect my partner to remain the same)), I am continuing here with my emancipation: the realization that I decide me, even within my relationship. Mainly, I no longer allow the voice in my head that says, “well, what’s he going to think? What’s he going to say about that? How’s HE going to feel if you do that? You shouldn’t do that, it might hurt him,” and so on. This voice has been dictating me for long enough, and once I stopped blaming him for it, I realized that it is entirely me, my creation and thus, my responsibility to SHUT it the FUCK up!

            The self-deception that kept me enslaved to this voice was listening to the reasoning of my mind- telling me that I was doing it FOR him, out of consideration, I was doing it because I cared so much, because I ‘loved’ him so much- these are justifications and excuses which covered up the fact that I wasn’t facing me and asserting myself and my living out of FEAR, self-interest and manipulation, creating and maintaining a safe little bubble called ‘relationship’ and ‘love,’ where I rarely risked anything and when I felt bad I could call on ‘love’ and ‘relationship’ to pick me up. But that ‘pick-me-up’ was really holding me down, sinking deeper and deeper into a mere roll or character, with only glimpses and glimmers of myself as self-directive of me and here and there.

            Since Desteni, I have been being and becoming the director of my own life for some time, but I stayed away from my relationship. I based the majority of my process around my relationship, and only soooo slowly let it seep in. I wasn’t ready, and he wasn’t ready; but now here it is, and here we are: the point has been placed directly in front of us: ‘love’ is a fraud- we have been playing roles and compromising ourselves, and each other, this entire time-so what are we, as individuals, going to do with this new understanding? We’ve both done our own thing, and have had our ups and downs- my recent down has led me to realize my emancipation from ‘love’- that I don’t have to feel bad anymore, I don’t have to limit myself, and I can do whatever I choose. I choose of course, to live for life. To stand with whoever is willing to release themselves from their own multitude of self-created shackles, and to stand for real freedom, which is equality (the first step being economic equality). So what I am going to do with the information, is keep applying myself, despite anything or anyone around me, so that I can free myself from the self-created shackles of self-limitation and self-compromise hat exists within relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave and limit and thus compromise myself to the ideas, perceptions and beliefs about my partner, which I have created over time through reactions, backchat, resent, fear, self-judgment and blame, instead of realizing that I have only ever limited and compromised myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my partner based upon my ideas, perceptions and beliefs created from resent, backchat and blame, instead of considering him as who he really is in actual reality, which I don’t know, but am willing to discover for the first time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as resent, backchat and blame to/towards another in my world, instead of realizing all these things are detrimental to me, they diminish and limit me by allowing me to not take responsibility for myself, as well as compromise him and his process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe all my partner’s reactions to be true and real and about me, as in, a statement of who I am. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into submission within me, bringing myself down due to fear, and thus allowing another to define me, instead of asserting myself as who I Am, as a living statement of Who I Am, with only silence within me and speaking words as me- asserting myself as Who I Am within and as every word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit not only my actions and behaviours, but also my self-direction as what I will do in my life, within the belief that I needed either approval, or to convince the other to want to do the same thing, instead of realizing that each will do what they decide, based on what is best for them, and I will base my decisions on what’s best for me AND for all, as me, because I can only decide for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbor resent towards another, because I blamed him for the fact that I was suppressing, limiting and compromising myself, instead of realizing that I was doing it to myself, as myself, as who I had/have accepted and allowed myself to become each time I submitted, each time I judged, each time I stopped myself from speaking/doing/being, slowly over time I created myself as something less-than who I actually am.

My Fits

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to leave because I think/believe/perceive it will change my internal experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to leave because I don’t want to face me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid facing me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to avoid facing standing up alone, without my relationship as a comfort/safety/security blanket where I can hide from myself and from standing up because within the perception I have created of ‘relationship,’ everything is ‘ok.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I need  another to stand with me, in a relationship of equality first, before I stand within my current situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I need someone to always ‘be there for me’ as I face difficult things in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define getting a job, doing online classes, and creating ’a life’ as difficult.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that ‘I have nothing’ if I don’t have a ‘perfect relationship’ (as I have defined it on my terms) with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in order to appease another, and to portray myself in a certain light, due to my fear of not being accepted, instead of accepting myself as I am despite the opinions and beliefs of those around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to be ‘right,’ instead of seeing, understanding and facing what it is I am resisting/resistant to/towards.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist applying myself in my own life and justifying it by using the excuse that the relationship has to work first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed because I argued self-dishonestly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue for my limitations within justifying and validating my resistances, and then experiencing embarrassment because I built the idea perception or belief that I am right, I have the answers and thus the solutions should be reached on ‘my terms.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anyone ‘owes’ me because of all the compromising I have done ‘for the relationship’, which was really all about me, and the dependence I had on the comfort and security of the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to leave the relationship to avoid facing me within the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that everything is being done out of spite, instead of realizing that this just means that I allow spite within and as me, and thus project it on to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed spite to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself as spite on to another in an attempt to figure out the actions/words of another, instead of realizing that I can only ever figure out my starting point within my actions and words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for the behavior of another towards me, and then compromised and punished myself for it, by further suppressing, submitting and devaluing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately blame myself when something ‘feels’ wrong, by thinking/believing/perceiving that ‘I’m bad,” instead of investigating through writing, to see where I need to stand and where I need to check my ego and manipulation tactics.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to leave a relationship to be able to do what I have to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I have to leave in order to be able to do what I have to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive I need to ask permission and make sure it’ ok before I do something for me, or to put myself first, or exercise self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang on to who my partner ‘used to be,’ or the idea I created of who he is/was, and then projecting that into the future, instead of looking at the reality of the situation in the moment, from moment to moment, and directing myself within each moment with self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that to take complete self-responsibility in every moment allows me to see the reality of the situation, and what need to be said and done more clearly.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that I am only dealing with my own mind within my internal reactions of thoughts/ideas/reactions/beliefs, and therefore, only absolute self-responsibility can get me through while standing stable, as well as stop me from abusing myself and my partner.

When and as I see that I am limiting or compromising myself within and as fear of the reactions of another, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the moment within the realization that only self-honesty in the moment will allow me to walk without compromising myself and the other, and will thus then lead to solutions to the problems we have I have been accepting and allowing myself to cycle through, over and over, my whole life.

I commit myself to standing up within my relationship, and without my relationship, until I prove to me that I do not depend on a relationship to stand.

I commit myself to live the realization that I determine and decide me, and no one else can do that for me.

I commit myself to assert myself in every moment, and I commit myself to admit that I ‘m wrong when I know I am wrong, and to take responsibility for myself within being wrong, by stopping the behavior/idea/perception/belief, and changing.

Day 26 - What is Left After Love?

Day 26- What is Left After Love?

            After the realization that everything and all that I have been up to this point has been based on the pursuit of internal experiences of myself in relation to all that’s Here, without a consideration for actually reality and the others within it, instead of being One with all that’s Here, within consideration of all (everything and everyone) I am left wondering, what’s next? What come after this? Specifically, and as a first step, what is beyond ‘love’ in a relationship, once one realizes that the entire conception of ‘love’ is based on self-interest (in terms of concerning oneself only with their internal self-experience) and manipulation (trying to control one’s own internal self-experience by manipulating one’s environment and the others within it).

What happens after the realization that I have based my self-definition in terms of my relationship within my ability to love, or to ‘make’ someone feel ‘loved’ (within the realization that I do not actually have that power), and within and as my perception/idea/belief in /as another’s desire for me and for my love, only to find out that, their internal experience has nothing really to do with me, nor mine with them? For me, this shatters the illusion of two co-dependent beings in a relationship where each completes the other, giving it apparent purpose, meaning and worth, and calling the co-dependency ‘love’. What exists between two whole beings that don’t need each other to fulfill of complete each other- what exists between two independent beings that can provide for themselves?

            When I got back home after two years away at school, my husband and I realized something: we don’t NEED each other. We had both been through a lot, and because of the situation, we HAD to go through it alone, whereas before that, we always had each other to lean on. Little did we know, we had become each other’s crutch, and in that, dis-abled each other by developing a dependence for/on each other. Now I’m home after a long time, I was expecting our relationship to return to the comfort and security of co-dependence, but what I realized is that, we’ve changed. There’s no going back from the realization that you can take care of yourself and you are all you need. I mean, I suppose there is, but I can’t imagine wanting to.

            However, there is a little adjusting I need to do here. I have gone through several stages within this change, and I would like to address them so that I can release them and continue forward, building myself so that my relationship can be built upon the solid foundation of two whole beings, who CHOOSE to be together due to the mutual enjoyment of each other, due to the mutual commitment made to one another, and the mutual support we are able to provide each other, to help each other stand as individuals alone in this world, where we are all really alone within ourselves.

Who am I within love?:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within love, within the idea/perception/belief that ‘love’ involves a giving up or a giving away of self and of one’s independence and wholeness, thus defining myself as un-whole, dependent and incomplete within relationships of ‘love’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as un-whole, dependent and incomplete, within the belief that that is all that I am, and that I cannot stand alone, but rather need a partner, a co-dependent being, within the idea that that is acceptable if it is called ‘love.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the idea/perception/belief/experience of ‘love,’ without considering what and how I define, experience and live ‘love,’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become/have become dependent on ‘love’ as co-dependence, un-wholeness, and insecurity as the belief that I cannot exist in a relationship/agreement without this experience of ‘love.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself that I am ‘more secure’ if I have/am/participate within the definition of ‘love’ I have created and thus far existed within and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself that I am ‘safe’ if I depend upon another in the name of ‘love,’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am de-stabilizing, un-securing and making myself unsafe in this world by giving myself away to my experience of ‘love,’ because within this giving away of self, and developing of dependence, I am making the statement to myself that I am not Able, I am not capable of doing this alone, or of existing as a complete whole within the greater Whole, unless I have a partner in ‘love.’

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that if another does not constantly and continuously express ‘love’ to and towards me, then I am ‘not loved,’ instead of standing up within the realization that this constant need for reassurance is a constant need to manipulate my internal experience which is, according to how I live ‘love,’ incomplete, dependent, un-whole and insecure, and changing myself, over time, to stop such experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being loved, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that it is just an experience in relation to another, and an experience within and as what I have accepted and allowed myself to define and live as ‘love.’

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to love myself completely and unconditionally, within the understanding that I am Here, whole and thus equally as deserving of self-love and self-acceptance, equal to and one with all that’s Here, knowing that my expression of self-love and self-acceptance is proven to me by me through the self-change that I have committed myself to through writing self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, wherein I am re-creating myself as a being that I can accept and love, and within the expression of my unconditional love for all that’s here, I am committed to bring about a change in this world, by being and becoming a living. breathing statement of equality as I work toward the basic level of equality that will be brought about within and through an Equal Money System, so that the expression of unconditional love can actually be realized and lived, and until then- I breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the energetic experience of less-than, incomplete, un-whole and dependent when I think/perceive/believe that another does not love me if he changes, because I have entered into the relationship from a starting point and foundation of insecurity- seeking security, dependence, and un-whole-seeking wholeness, without considering that, until I give these gifts to myself, I will never be them, and the relationship will never be enough so long as I seek them outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become accustomed to being treated a certain way, until I have built myself as ‘who I am’ based upon ‘the way I am treated,’ instead of standing as Who I Am no matter how I am treated by others in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe ‘love’ exists.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that love has never really existed, only self-interest. And if love had truly ever existed, the world would be a very different place right now. Within this I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see actual reality, and the proven non-existence of love in this world, as is proven by the state of things, where most humans suffer, and most animals suffer, and the environment we live in is treated like our waste receptacle, where nothing is truly considered as equal to our own lives because we each live as if we are the most important ones, and fight tooth and nail for our own survival, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that if we each contributed instead of took, there would be enough for all, and real love could actually finally exist and be experienced for the first time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist only within and as self-interest in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others to fulfill and complete me, instead of realizing that I fulfill and complete myself.

Who am I after ‘love’?

Standing Alone:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I can stand alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as self-doubt in terms of taking self-responsibility within a relationship, instead of actually living, step by step and breath by breath as a whole and complete being that takes the self-responsibility to to fulfill, love and accept herself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress, deny and compromise myself for fear of standing alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become addicted to the energetic experiences I receive from others, specifically with regards to what I have defined as ‘love,’ because I define myself only in relation to and not One With others and all that’s here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing as one part, within and as equal responsibility as self-responsibility, of the Whole that is Here in reality, and which we are all blatantly equally a part of, and therefor equally responsible for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself that if I am ‘in love,’ or if I ‘have love’ then I am not alone and don’t have to take self-responsibility, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that everything I seek in love, and everything that I require to stand alone, is actually Here and Who I Am already, I only haven’t realized it yet. I see/realize/understand the self-commitment require to become a Whole, as a living statement of equality and oneness, and I am committed, as I commit myself to invest the time and dedication to myself as to all, within the realization and understanding that it will take time, but not an endless amount of time. We don’t have an endless amount of time, we have this one life, and there’s a lot to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that I need to know who and how to be Who I Am Alone in order to be it, instead of realizing that if I were to pursue the experience of ‘already knowing’ who and how I am, I will only repeat the who and how I have already been, as a dependent being existing within the self-perception and self-definition of experience in relation to my world, instead of existing within and as my world.

When and as I see myself looking to love for encouragement, support, completeness, wholeness, security and worth I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that I am and always have been Here for me, and that as I live my self-commitment, I will prove to me by being and becoming the living, breathing statement of self-love and self-acceptance as a Whole, where I stand, alone, no matter what.

I commit myself to proving to myself that I Am Here for me, that I complete me, that I decide my worth as equal and one by being the self-directive principle of me within the principles of equality and oneness, that I love and accept me and that I will stand within self-worth no matter what, no matter what happens, no matter who I am with and no matter how I am treated.

I commit myself to being and becoming a being that considers all within her every breath.

I commit myself to recreating my relationship to one ofsupport, with no manipulation, no co-dependency and no insecurity. When he stands, I will be there, and when he falls I will be there. When he stands I am Here, and when he falls I am Here. When I stand, I am Here, when I fall, I Am Here.

I commit myself to let go of the past and walk fearlessly into an unscripted future, step by step, as I remain Here.