Day 25- Personality vs. Self-Change

            I went for a walk on the beach with a woman today, and throughout the walk I observed myself. I felt like my voice was low, my movements felt awkward, I made little eye contact. Also, I found myself to be immature, meaning- my internal experience of myself in terms of self-judgment and self-consciousness was that I was immature. Then, when we got back to her place and hung out for a bit with her husband, I found myself change because there was now a male in my midst. My voice was higher and more ‘perky.’ I smiled more, made eye contact with him, laughed and was more talkative. It felt, all of a sudden, like there was a ‘purpose.’ I remember once at a bar, a girl said to me that it’s always more fun when you’re out, when you have a male in your sights. I didn’t get it, but soon enough Iknew exactly what she meant. It’s all about sex. I don’t even ‘want’ sex from other males- consciously at least- but subconsciously or unconsciously (not sure), THAT is the goal. So, I finally really saw for the first time, to what extent we are possessed by the point of sex, and the extent to which we suppress our natural expression in order to manipulate others, men and women, on this one point of sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress my natural expression in order to be/become perceived as a sexual being/potential sex partner to males in my midst, even when I know I don’t really want sex from them, in order to seduce them in some kind of a power game where everyone is aware, but no one acknowledges that our interactions are based on sex.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change myself in many little ways, when I am around males, because of the subtle manipulation game of seduction, wherein I have little bursts of energy if I feel I am ‘winning’ the game, because within and as ego, I have programmed myself to want/need/desire to ‘win,’ and to be ‘in control’ of the other and the relationship, wherein I think/believe/perceive that I will have power over the other, so that I can benefit from the relationship somehow, in some way and at some future point in time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base Who I Am on my ability to seduce or convey the message of sex to the male in my midst, in order to think/believe/perceive that I have ‘won’ and am in control of the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself into thinking/believing/perceiving that the energy I experience within sexually-based relationships or interactions with subtle sexual undertones, is Who I Am, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that Who I Am is no better and no worse than those I’m interacting with, and if I fall for my deception, then I am compromising and limiting myself and my self-expression within the belief that I am this energy, or I need this energy, or this energy makes interaction worthwhile.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself that sparks or surges or little rushes of positive energetic feedback are something ‘good’ that needs to be pursued and ‘fed,’ instead of seeing/realizing and understanding that the energy is self-created, is short term, and will manifest it’s opposite, and it suppresses and limits me, and prevents me from really actually getting to know myself as who I Am beneath the layers of created personality that I have programmed into myself over a lifetime of suppression, denial and limitation.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see/realize and understand the absolute insanity involved in changing myself for the sake of another, which is like a mental illness of split personalities, where I am one way with one person, and another way with another person, instead of standing up within myself and remaining as a constant and stable self-expression that is not influence by the gender of those in my presence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change my personality suit dependent upon who is in my presence, based upon my judgment of them of rich or poor, intelligent or dull, beneficial to me or not.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to interact with others as my equals, wherein I interact with them as who they really are, and not participate in the ‘little games’ we all play, wherein each is looking for a transaction to take place, either immediately or at some point in the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish my interactions and relationships by participating within them as if they are transactions, where some benefit is sought, whether it is material or energetic, either immediately or at some imagined future time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself by thinking/believing/perceiving that my experience based on the energetic feedback I receive from an interaction or a relationship, is the ‘point’ or the interaction or relationship, instead of stopping and interacting from a starting point of self-honesty, wherein I express Me and live Me by breathing through any and all reactions, judgments, energetic experiences, thoughts, ideas and beliefs with regards to the other person, the communication taking plce, my own self-judgment and future projections.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within relationships based on energy and energetic feedback, instead of standing up from within the self-created experience in order to direct myself as the interaction within self-honesty, within and as self-awareness and presence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed the energetic experience that takes place within and as interactions and relationship, wherein I accept and allow myself to be directed and reactive to the experience, instead of being the self-directive principle of myself, Here.

When and as I see myself participating within the self-created energetic experience of an interaction or relationship I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the realization and understanding that such participation is suppressing me, and if I allow myself to be directed by it, I will only set myself up for a future fall in a moment when I look for me, but find I’m not there, because I have not allowed myself to emerge.

I commit myself to stop being or becoming directed by the self-created energetic experiences I manifest while, within and as I interact with others, specifically the suppression due to the acceptance and allowance of the initiation of the sex-system within me.

I commit myself to stopping the internal reactions as energy, reactions and judgments that take place within me as I interact with others.

I commit myself to be and become the self-directive principle of me, when and as I interact with others.

I commit myself to let go of the influence

I allow others to have over who and how I am, in order to that who I really am may emerge within relationships.

Day 24- I'm Not Worthy?

     The point I am looking at is self-worth, specifically, not feeling important enough or good enough for another, but rather, defining my self-worth into and as another instead of standing within my self-worth. Specifying more- I saw that I give my power away to another by calling it ‘trust’ in another, when really it is/was abdication of my self-responsibility to stand within my self-worth, by making it the job of another. I also want to touch on taking the actions of another personally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as ‘not important enough’ for another, in a relationship, wherein I feel I don’t have enough to offer as who I am, but need to ‘do more’ and ‘be more’ in order to have the other consider me as worthy of being with/spending time with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and/or perceive that I don’t have ‘enough to offer’ in a relationship with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I need to ‘do more’ in order to compensate for the self-created belief that ‘I am not enough’ as who I am in a relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I need to ‘be more’ in a relationship, as a reaction to the self-created perception/belief that I am not enough for another to be with or spend time with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look to another to consider me ‘worthy’ by judging their actions and words towards me wherein I look for indicators of my worthiness, instead of standing within my worth by not accepting or allowing the thoughts, ideas, perceptions and beliefs about me not being enough, doing enough or being worthy enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for, seek and search out indicators or signe of my worthiness within the actions and words of another, instead of accepting myself as worthy within self-responsibility as a statement of Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an entire perception, definition and belief of myself as unworthy through, over the years and through relationships, abdicating my self-worth to others, wherein I would never find it because it can only ever come from me, so instead of standing within my self-worth, I constantly looked for it within my relationships, and in never finding it, confirmed to myself that it is/was simply ‘not there,’ instead of realizing that I am self-worth, I am worthy of me, and I am enough- and I accept that as Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the perception, belief and definition of myself as not important enough and not good enough, by defining my importance outside of myself, in relationships, wherein I would not nor will ever find it because it is simply not there, it is and has always been right Here, within myself as a human being, equal to and one with all other humans beings as who I am, as who we all are.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel unimportant, and to confirm that feeling through looking for my self-definition within relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I’m not good enough, and to confirm it over and over again by defining myself within relationships.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand within self-worth.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself abdicate my self-worth to another, and then to deceive myself by calling it trust, as I have trusted another with my self-worth, which is essentially giving my power away to another, and giving them the responsibility to not hurt me and ‘make me worthy’, which is just the experience of worthiness, and not actual living worth, which only I can gift to me and live for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to another by defining myself within and as them/the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing another to hurt me because I have defined myself within and as them, and within and as my relationship with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that another can hurt me/wrong me or intentionally cause me emotional pain, instead of realizing that the other is only deceiving themselves, which has nothing to do with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take the actions of another personally, as if it is all about me, instead of considering that each is in their own process, and I can only be responsible for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as emotional pain and jealousy, instead of standing up as Who I am, thus gifting myself back to me within self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that my relationship is all about me, instead of considering my partner equally, and standing with him/as him as an equal being who supports myself, and as a result, supports him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can be victimized or abused emotionally, instead of realizing that I can only victimize and abuse myself within and through separation, by placing my self-definition outside of me.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my emotional energetic experiences by not participating within and as them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be the victim and the abused as blame, wherein I blame another for apparently causing me to feel a certain way, instead of looking within myself in self-honesty, to see the starting point of my reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt by another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being important enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being good enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my partner leaving me.

I see, realize and understand that I fear not being important enough, not being good enough, and being hurt, because these things exist within me already, wherein I have already defined myself as not good enough and not important enough, and I know that, thus the fear exists that I will have to face that, which I did/do because of the actions of another, thus creating the experience of hurt, which I can bring back to myself and see that I have hurt myself by defining myself as unworthy, unimportant, and not good enough- when, in fact, obviously I am.

When and as I see myself participating in the voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough, not important enough and unworthy, I STOP, and I BREATHE. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that I am responsible for me- not another, and not my relationship, but ME, and I remind myself that I accept me, I allow myself to stand within self-worth, I am the most important being as I am all I have in this life, and…

I commit myself to myself and my process of self, wherein I commit me to gifting me back to myself in my entirety.

I commit myself to taking myself back from relationships, and creating a self-relationship of self-support and self-equality.

I commit myself to STOP defining myself within relationships outside of myself.

I commit myself to stand within self-worth, no matter what happens within my relationship.

Day 23 - I Am Dependent Upon People Being Dependent Upon Me (mother-syndrome?)

For the past two days I have been living the consequences of the fact that I have grown to be and become dependent upon others being dependent upon me. This one took me by surprise, because I never thought of myself as dependent upon others, but rather a very independent person that enjoys being alone and can be alone in life. However, recently someone who had been dependent upon me emotionally in the past, has stood up from within that dependence. I was really surprised by my reactions to this, and after I finally decided to talk to that person about it, we realized that I too had become dependent.

             How and why did I become dependent? The how is a little more difficult because it will have been something I developed over many years throughout many relationships. But never before has someone withdrawn like this from me, therefore I never had to face it within myself.

     In terms of Why, the most obvious thing that I can see right now is that it’s safe; meaning, it’s safe for me to enter into relationships where the person is dependent upon me, because the more dependent they are, the less likely they will leave me/hurt me/judge me etc…

     So I’m just going to start doing some self-forgiveness on this point I have identified in order that I may dig a little deeper, see it more clearly and expend upon it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire people to be/become dependent upon me, so that they are less likely to hurt me, leave me, judge me, etc....

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people hurting me, leaving me, judging me, etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel hurt, left and judged when someone is no longer dependent upon me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base much of my self-definition within the dependence upon me that I encourage people in my world to develop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become dependent upon others being dependent upon me.

Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to encourage people in my world to be/become dependent upon me within self-interest, because it creates a ‘safer’ friendship/relationship for me, instead of seeing and realizing that no one can hurt me in terms of emotioanl pain, only I can manifest beliefs, attachments, separation etc... in which I allow me to be hurt by others as I allow me to hurt myself.

Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire friendships/relationships that make me feel safe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people will hurt me, leave me, judge me, etc… because I have hurt myself, judged myself and abandoned myself already.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt myself, judge myself and abandon myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt myself by suppressing me out of fear of being hurt, left, abandoned, judged, made fun of etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abandon myself by not looking within me to see where I am missing me in terms of suppression, neglecting myself as who I am and what I need, and leaving myself as I pursue a sense of self in the dependency others may develop upon me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself when others withdraw their dependence upon me, because I no longer feel needed/wanted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous of the things others do without me, and the people others spend time with instead of doing things and spending time with me, because I think/believe/perceive that they are having more fun without me, or that they enjoy the other people more than they enjoy me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in jealousy because I am comparing myself in separation to the people and events others are participating with and within.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others and then go into inferiority, placing the other above me because I am no longer depended upon, which makes me feel unwanted.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to understand that I need to develop me and my own self and independence in order to stand alone as a whole, so that I can stand together as a whole with everyone and all that is here as equal wholes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire others to feel bad for me in order to confirm my self-pity and justify the energetic experience of self-pity that I create and manifest for myself when I am no longer depended upon.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire others to experience the hurt, abandonment and judgment I create for myself and allow myself to participate within and as and experience, as a point of spite or vindication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as spite.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing spite to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as vindication.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing vindication to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within self-pity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-pity to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the behavior of others within a starting point of ‘taking it personally,’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that each is in their own process, and I am only and can only be responsible for myself and my experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the pattern or habit of depending on others dependence upon me because it fulfills me in ways that I have not allowed me to fulfill myself, such as security, being needed, being wanted, being loved, being reassured and being made to feel ‘special.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear another realizing that I am not special, and I am not what others may have thought I am, because I am not ‘special’ or better than anyone, I am equal to everyone and all that’s Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being an equal for fear that if I am not ‘special’ or ‘better-than’ then I will be abandoned.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire someone outside of me to make me feel secure, needed, wanted, loved and reassured.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to feel special in a world where we are all equal, and no one is special, because everyone is of equal value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to think/believe/perceived that I am more valued or have more value than others, by manipulating others to value me more, through creating, encouraging or manipulating them to be or become dependent upon me.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to value myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret that I have never valued myself as Who I Am, and in that have created self-hate, as I have negleced me and searched for my value within others and within love.

I see, realize and understand that it is not too late, that every breath is an opportunity to change, to stand up and to gift me back to myself as self-love, self-acceptance and self-worth.

            This is bringing up a memory I have, wherein I felt the same way when I was younger, wherein I was jealous over a boy who ended up dating my best-firend.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bring up the past so that I can re-experience an emotional experience that I allowed myself to participate within and from ‘back then,’ which I then used to define myself as inferior, unwanted, unspecial and insecure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself upon past memories, which led me to create a dependence upon others being dependent upon me as a defense mechanism to never feel inferior, unwanted, unspecial and insecure again. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility to myself, by developing a pattern within relationships, wherein I create dependency instead of standing up from within these emotional experience as a statement of Who I Am. But instead, I believed the experience to be Who I Am. I stop this pattern by deleting this memory, I refuse to re-live it over and over again, as it is in the past. It is forgiven, I will change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my inner emotional experience to be Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the past memory of jealousy and hurt to the definition of myself and Who I Am in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by defining myself by this memory instead of taking responsibility for myself in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to overcompensate for myself in order to ‘prove’ that ‘I am fine’ and ‘I don’t care,’ instead of breathing myself Here with no reaction because I am standing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into a the personality suit of ‘I’m fine, I’m great, nothing is wrong’ because in reality I am hiding the fact that I am making something wrong by participating within the experiences of self-pity, inferiority, unwantedness, unloved, regected, etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the polarity of feeling hurt/feeling great, instead of breathing Here in stability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel I need to be extra fun and enjoyable in order to compete with others who I am jealous of/threatened by, within and as separation from them, as I see the true nature of myself as a competitive being wanting to survive, when it is really only my ego that I'm competing for, because Who I Am as Life is Here, and I don't need to compete, and I refuse to perpetuate this system of competition we all live in, by allowing it to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel threatened by another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that another can threaten me as Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to another by placing my self-worth in my ability to compete with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilt about others being/becoming dependent upon me, because now that I have realized that I am equaliy dependent, I now see how it ‘feels’ to be dependent upon another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel jealous because of the thought/perception/belief that I created that another has received vindication for ‘making me’ feel/experience the way they have felt/experienced themselves with regards to their dependence upon me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have developed a dependence upon another instead of depending upon myself to be there for me, because I am the only one who can do that for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I am being punished.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react  in anger /fear/victimization/self-pity at the thought of another ‘punishing me’ for their dependence upon me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that it is my fault that another has become dependent upon me, instead of realizing that I don’t control anyone but me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing another to control me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to another by accepting and allowing them to abuse me, instead of realizing that I create the abuse and I decide whether or not to participate within and as it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that another can abuse me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to abuse myself in order to justify my inner experience that ‘I have been hurt.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my inner experience above my actual physical self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to regret my behavior, and to think/believe that I should always be there for others, instead of realizing that this only perpetuates the pattern of others becoming dependent upon me, instead of standing as a pillar of self-support, wherein I support others to stand alone as well, by not accepting or allowing any dependence to form, either from me or the other.

When and as I see that I am reacting within jealousy, self-pity, spite or vidnication towards another because they have withdrawn their dependence upon me, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that as an equal, I support the independent growth and stability of all those around me, as I support the growth and stability of myself.

I commit myself to support those around me to realize themselves by supporting myself to realize myself.

I commit myself to being and becoming a whole and independent being that is capable of standing alone.

Day 22 - Avoiding Friends I Change Around

            Today I was at the Laundromat and I saw two of my former coworkers who I worked with two years ago before I left for school. They were going into a house. I used to hang out with them. My husband asked me why I didn’t go over to say ‘hi,’ and it took me a long time before I could figure out the answer. I realized that I do not like who I become when I ‘m around them. We discussed the fact that I should stand stable no matter who I’m around, and if I don’t, then I’m giving my power away.

When I moved away to go to school, I met new people, and I started friendships with classmates the way I wanted to, wherein I would not participate in fake personalities or energetic experiences with them. I didn’t do it perfectly, but I definitely took steps that I’m confident I can build upon to eventually not be influenced by others. But when I saw those two coworkers, I immediately reacted to them, because I used to change who I was when I would hang out with them, and I didn’t like that. So when I saw them I immediately assumed that I would be like that again, which is not a good assumption to make, because if I allow myself to participate within those thoughts, then I’ll likely repeat the pattern instead of taking steps towards standing stable and not compromising myself in the presence of others.

Even if I’m not interested in starting up a friendship with them again, there’s no reason why an emotional experience within me should stop me from going over and saying ‘hi,’ and seeing how they’re doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change around others by entering into personality constructs as personalities which I have, over time, constructed mostly as a coping mechanism, in order to feed my ego to achieve the greatest amount of energy-based reactions, feelings and emotions etc.. which is really manipulation of myself and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need and/or desire to participate within and as energy, within and through relationships with others, so that I may get what I want, whether it be a feeling, a confirmation, validation etc… out of relationships in my life and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to manipulate my world and the relationships within it through specifically designing personalities which I can consciously or subconsciously access in order to maintain a feeling ‘good,’ ‘validated.’ ‘happy,’ ‘energized,’ fulfilled,’ ‘righteous,’ ‘superior’ etc etc etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use relationships in my world to attain these ‘senses of self’ that I think/believe/perceive to be who I am, instead of realizing that Who I Am is not an internal feeling within myself that needs to be ‘fed,’ manipulated or validated, because Who I Am, as Who We All Are, is Here already.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged by others when I interact with them, and so I compromise myself in order to not be judged, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is really only me judging myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged as weird, awkward, ugly, uncool, boring etc.... when I am with others, instead of standing within and as complete self-acceptance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as weird, awkward, ugly, uncool, boring etc.... instead of accepting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, if and when I am judged, accept it as real, indicating that I have already accepted it as real within myself already.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change who and how I am in order to get others to ‘like’ me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive I need others to ‘like’ me, in order to reflect that ‘liking’ back to myself so that I can think/believe that ‘I am liked,’ and ‘I am likeable’, which would indicated that I actually believe the opposite, otherwise I would not need to reflect it to myself as a projection from others, making it ‘someone else’s job’ to ‘like’ me, because I don’t like myself.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to like myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act/behave in ways that I don’t like, and instead of taking responsibility and stopping and changing, I take the easy route and just not like myself, while living the lie that I am likeable by going into personalities around people in order to get them to like me/manipulate them into liking me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for going into personalities around people, and then avoid being around those people because I judge myself and don’t like who I become, or that I become something/someone else around them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in the presence of others by going into personality suits, due to the fact that I have abdicated my self-responsibility in terms of 'who I am' on to others, specifically  in this case, the want/need/desire to be 'liked,' because I have acted in ways which I myself do not like, and have not taken complete rsponsibility for myself yet in this way- in this way wherein my thoughts, words and deeds are alligned within a consideration for all that's Here, as that I what I would want from everyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in any way for anyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility in any way to anyone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame other people for the fact that I change myself when I’m around them, instead of taking responsibility and standing as me no matter who I am around.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by my feelings of ‘not wanting to be around people because of the way it makes me feel’, instead of taking responsibility for the way I feel, forgiving it so that I can simply be me, and directing myself to face others to see what comes up so that I can accordingly address it within myself every time.

When and as I see that I am reacting to others wherein ‘I don’t want to see them,’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the understanding that it is my responsibility to stand as me no matter who I am around, and nobody else can do that for me, so I will stand.

I commit myself to investigate any and all internal reactions I experience when I am in the presence of others.

I commit myself to push through any and all fear that I experience when and as I am interacting with others.

I commit myself to work towards interacting with others within and as absolute self-honesty wherein I stand as me in every moment.

Day 20-21 – Seeing it Through

Yesterday I had an experience of what felt like depressiveness, wherein everything felt difficult and I fell into the mind and I was not effective. As it was happening I was aware of the fact that it would not be like that forever. In fact, it has happened quite often that I have difficult days like this and I always end up being okay, bouncing back the next day. Today was as I had expected, wherein I felt much more able to direct me and I saw that everything is still Here, and I am still Here able to direct me. So, this pattern involves me falling into a depressive state, which involves self-judgment and manipulation, only to see that it is not real, it is just an experience that I am able to direct myself through so that, when I wake up the next day, I can still have taken a step, instead of having to go through the motions of having fallen the day before. It’s so obvious now, but yesterday it wasn’t at all because I was in this depressive mind-possession wherein I felt like "I wasn’t doing or being ‘enough’ and I probably never will be". I wrote a blog about it, but then I watched one of Bernard’s videos on depression and decided to see the pattern through to a solution before writing about it.

First, I will post the blog from yesterday, and then conclude with my solution and corrective application.

Day 20- Depressive Possession

I walked a very bizarre day today. I spent the entire day alone without any interaction and allowed myself to indulge in the mind wherein I experienced a recurring emotional energetic state of lostness, aloneness, and depression. I did not move me effectively and so I need a practical application with which to face this because for the next several months, aloneness will be prominent in m reality.

It’s interesting because I am coming from an environment that was ‘chaotic,’ with people and animals all the time seemingly everywhere, where at times I felt like I couldn’t ‘get away’, and I wanted peace and quiet. Now I have that, and it is not as I projected it would be. I am not serene, effective and efficient, as I imagined I would be. I created for myself a feeling of lostness, aloneness and depression, and today I let it get the best of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I need ‘company’ to occupy my environment in order that I may stay present instead of drifting off into my mind.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be my own company, wherein I remain present alone with myself- no different than if I were not alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I am not already alone, even in the presence of others, because I am alone within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become so accustomed and used to living within and as personalities for others, that I do not even really know who I am when I am alone.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to know me, or to have taken the time to get to know myself as who I really am, because I have instead wasted my time pursuing endless thoughts, fantasies, imaginations, entertainment etc… distracting myself while I was missing me, not spending time within and as me as presence and self-intimacy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate/connect a feeling of lostness to the emotional experience of being alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can be lost, when I am and always have been right Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I can lose myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lose myself in my mind, thus manifesting a feeling of ‘lostness’ instead of being present with myself and moving me within and as self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become ‘frazzled’ because I think/believe/perceive myself to be lost, and then I attempt to find me by looking for an experience of myself, or an experience of stability, an experience of what it ‘should’ feel like to ‘find’ me or be me, instead of simply stopping, breathing and coming back into the present moment where I am and always have been waiting for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the emotional energetic experience of depression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe depression to be real or to be who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become depressive, wherein I allow myself to sink into a 'depression' by accepting and allowing myself as the mind to suppress myself as Life due to my accepted and allowed participation within and as thoughts of inferiority, and self-judgment that I am not 'where I should be', or that I haven't accomplished what I 'should have' accomplished, instead of realizing that the only step I can take is the next step Here, and not skip a bunch of steps in order to be 'there' where I 'should’ be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose to continue to indulge within these thoughts/moods/emotions/feeling/beliefs because that is what I have always done, instead of realizing there is another choice and another way, I only have to go through the discomfort of breaking the habits and patterns I've become accustomed to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try/attempt to manipulate myself with depression, wherein I am attempting to fool myself into believing I am not effective, not making enough progress, not doing well enough, etc... accompanied by the belief that I cannot change .

I see, realize and understand that these are only beliefs of the mind, and they are only as real as I make them by participating within and as them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate, thus putting tasks off into a future that is not Here, it is only in my mind, wherein it exists as a future in which I will 'feel better,' 'get things done,' 'be more motivated,' thus creating an entire projection of this 'better' future and then comparing it to where I am now, thus manifesting self-judgment, self-defeat, self-pity, etc... and eventually, depression.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to utilize every Here moment to assert myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become a programmed zombie robot that only follows old habits and patterns, directed by the endless meaningless cycles of my internal experience, instead of waking up and directing me as a principled self-leader who functions in common sense.

I commit myself to waking up from the slumber I have been in for my whole Life, to stop blindly following the smoke and mirror-mazes of the thoughts, beliefs, emotions, ideas, perceptions and feelings as my internal experience as my mind, and to instead stand as principled and common sense living that takes into consideration that which is best for all.

I commit myself to stopping my patterns and habits of indulging in the mind, in which I allow me to feel lost, alone and depressed, and to instead return to the presence of breath which is Here, with everything and everyone else in existence, where aloneness is all-oneness.

I commit myself to asserting myself in every Here moment.

I commit myself to discover myself within self-intimacy and self-understanding, so as not to miss another moment as an opportunity to actually Live as me.

DAY 21 -

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have fallen into the mind within the belief that there is no other way, and no way out.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to assert myself despite/in spite of my internal experience, wherein I could have taken steps and furthered myself with self-direction, but instead I stagnated, thus creating the experience that I went through yesterday as an accumulation of such points.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that every moment counts, and that every moment is an opportunity which can be utilized within self-movement, as every breath I take is an opportunity to move towards self-expansion, self-intimacy and self-mastery.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that only at death is it too late, and that I can and will pick myself up every time I fall, and so within this realization, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste even one second within self-doubt, self-victimization and self-defeat, because I know that I will pick myself up and keep going, so there’s no point in contemplating it, questioning it or trying to test it out and experience it, because it is not an experience of myself, it simply IS who I am and what I will do and continue doing till it’s done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I have too much self-forgiveness and self-introspection to do that I can’t possibly sort myself out in time. “It will take time, but not an endless amount of time” –BP.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that I am my priority right now, and in order to sort myself out effectively, I need to make time for me, and direct myself to use my time more efficiently as I apply myself in this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall into the pattern of depressiveness again…. But-

I see, realize and understand that this recent past experience has shown me one thing: that this pattern is useless/pointless/a waste of time/does not serve me in any way whatsoever. However, I see, realize and understand that in the past, I would have bounced back into polarity, whereas today I directed me so as not to create the opposite extreme of depression (which will only set me up for another crash). I see the polarity here, and I will not participate within and as it.

I commit myself to stopping my participation in the polarities of energy by observing the repeating patters of the highs and lows I experience, by pushing through the lows until they no longer influence me in/as my application of myself, and to breathe through and not participate within the highs, because, as tempting as they may seem, they are not worth it, as all they do is return me to the cycle of then experiencing depressiveness, and thus wasting my time and my life.

Icommit myself to walking a process that will lead me to become the living realization of the absolute dedication and commitment it takes to apply myself in every moment, as well as the importance of doing so, and I commit myself to whatever amount of time it will take.

I commit myself to making “every moment count,” wherein I assert myself in every moment, despite my internal experience of myself.

When and as I see that I am facing an accumulation of points which manifests itself as depressiveness, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that the only way through is through, and that I MUST stand, I MUST push through, because it is a manifested consequence that I already created for myself, and the only thing there is to do is walk through it and learn the lesson, so as to not repeat and manifest the same consequences again.

Day 19 - Jealousy is a Bitch

            Today I am looking at jealousy. Although it has not been a prevalent point for me recently, it certainly has been in the past, which I will bring Here and forgive. It also emerges from time to time within me, mildly, and today I reacted to it, which means that I accepted and allowed jealousy to influence me, which is not acceptable as it is of separation, comparison, inferiority/superiority and self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become jealous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe jealousy exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing jealousy to exist within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within jealousy when I am in situations where someone else is chosen over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that a choice is being made regarding my worth/value when I am not always chosen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel self-pity and victimized when I am jealous, as a form of self-manipulation so that I don’t have to face the fact that I’m only jealous because I’ve separated myself from my worth/value, and placed it outside of and separate from me, and have based it on the decisions/behavior/choices etc… of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as of little worth/value when I am not always chosen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as inferiority when I am not always chosen.

I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to participate within and as self-pity and victimization instead of standing up as myself as a whole self-directive being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the energetic experience of spite when I experience jealousy within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to manipulate those around me into choosing me as a reaction to the experience of jealousy within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to change myself in order to be/become a ‘better competitor’ when and as I experience jealousy.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting myself unconditionally, and therefor manifesting the experience of jealousy when I think/believe/perceive I have lost some kind of competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as ‘boring’ and ‘no fun’ when others gather together and I remain alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project others judging me when they are together and I am not there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as though I’m missing out on something important when others are gathered and ‘going out’ and I choose to remain alone at home.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience embarrassment with regards to my experience of jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience embarrassment with regards to jealousy because I perceive I have ‘lost’ some competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing’ with ‘embarrassment’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘losing’ within ‘embarrassment’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘losing’ and from ‘embarrassment’ by defining the word ‘losing’ within ‘embarrassment’ in separation of myself.

I commit myself to exposing any and all jealousy within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rescript myself without jealousy, as jealousy has no place in my life and does not serve me.

When I as I see that I am going into an experience of jealousy, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the understanding that I am a whole self-directive being who’s value/worth are not found in competition outside of me, but within the unconditional self-acceptance I allow myself to be.