Day 27- My Emancipation from 'Love'

              

Day 27- My Emancipation from Love

            Looking back upon my relationships, specifically non-platonic relationships, although all apply, I see how much I have compromised myself for others. Whether it be a feeling of guilt when doing something ‘for myself,’ or not even doing the thing at all, out of guilt, or looking into the future and limiting myself and my options because of a consideration of my partner and where and how they fit in. I’ve limited my options of what I ‘can’ and ‘can’t’ do, based on, not the actual person, but my perception of the person, meaning, my beliefs about them, my ideas and thoughts that I’ve built and manifested as an ‘image’ of the person, rather than actually considering the actual reality of the person. Or furthermore, submitting myself to the wants, needs and desires of the other person, without voicing myself and who I am within how I would like to direct me and my life.

            Continuing from my last several posts wherein I am taking myself back from ‘love,’ and at the same time, ‘allowing’ my partner to do the same (I threw a few fits before the obvious stared me so blankly in the face that I couldn’t NOT stand up from within the experience (the ‘obvious’ being that I can’t ‘withdraw’ from ‘love’ but still expect my partner to remain the same)), I am continuing here with my emancipation: the realization that I decide me, even within my relationship. Mainly, I no longer allow the voice in my head that says, “well, what’s he going to think? What’s he going to say about that? How’s HE going to feel if you do that? You shouldn’t do that, it might hurt him,” and so on. This voice has been dictating me for long enough, and once I stopped blaming him for it, I realized that it is entirely me, my creation and thus, my responsibility to SHUT it the FUCK up!

            The self-deception that kept me enslaved to this voice was listening to the reasoning of my mind- telling me that I was doing it FOR him, out of consideration, I was doing it because I cared so much, because I ‘loved’ him so much- these are justifications and excuses which covered up the fact that I wasn’t facing me and asserting myself and my living out of FEAR, self-interest and manipulation, creating and maintaining a safe little bubble called ‘relationship’ and ‘love,’ where I rarely risked anything and when I felt bad I could call on ‘love’ and ‘relationship’ to pick me up. But that ‘pick-me-up’ was really holding me down, sinking deeper and deeper into a mere roll or character, with only glimpses and glimmers of myself as self-directive of me and here and there.

            Since Desteni, I have been being and becoming the director of my own life for some time, but I stayed away from my relationship. I based the majority of my process around my relationship, and only soooo slowly let it seep in. I wasn’t ready, and he wasn’t ready; but now here it is, and here we are: the point has been placed directly in front of us: ‘love’ is a fraud- we have been playing roles and compromising ourselves, and each other, this entire time-so what are we, as individuals, going to do with this new understanding? We’ve both done our own thing, and have had our ups and downs- my recent down has led me to realize my emancipation from ‘love’- that I don’t have to feel bad anymore, I don’t have to limit myself, and I can do whatever I choose. I choose of course, to live for life. To stand with whoever is willing to release themselves from their own multitude of self-created shackles, and to stand for real freedom, which is equality (the first step being economic equality). So what I am going to do with the information, is keep applying myself, despite anything or anyone around me, so that I can free myself from the self-created shackles of self-limitation and self-compromise hat exists within relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave and limit and thus compromise myself to the ideas, perceptions and beliefs about my partner, which I have created over time through reactions, backchat, resent, fear, self-judgment and blame, instead of realizing that I have only ever limited and compromised myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my partner based upon my ideas, perceptions and beliefs created from resent, backchat and blame, instead of considering him as who he really is in actual reality, which I don’t know, but am willing to discover for the first time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as resent, backchat and blame to/towards another in my world, instead of realizing all these things are detrimental to me, they diminish and limit me by allowing me to not take responsibility for myself, as well as compromise him and his process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe all my partner’s reactions to be true and real and about me, as in, a statement of who I am. In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into submission within me, bringing myself down due to fear, and thus allowing another to define me, instead of asserting myself as who I Am, as a living statement of Who I Am, with only silence within me and speaking words as me- asserting myself as Who I Am within and as every word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit not only my actions and behaviours, but also my self-direction as what I will do in my life, within the belief that I needed either approval, or to convince the other to want to do the same thing, instead of realizing that each will do what they decide, based on what is best for them, and I will base my decisions on what’s best for me AND for all, as me, because I can only decide for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbor resent towards another, because I blamed him for the fact that I was suppressing, limiting and compromising myself, instead of realizing that I was doing it to myself, as myself, as who I had/have accepted and allowed myself to become each time I submitted, each time I judged, each time I stopped myself from speaking/doing/being, slowly over time I created myself as something less-than who I actually am.

My Fits

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to leave because I think/believe/perceive it will change my internal experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to leave because I don’t want to face me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid facing me here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to avoid facing standing up alone, without my relationship as a comfort/safety/security blanket where I can hide from myself and from standing up because within the perception I have created of ‘relationship,’ everything is ‘ok.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I need  another to stand with me, in a relationship of equality first, before I stand within my current situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I need someone to always ‘be there for me’ as I face difficult things in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define getting a job, doing online classes, and creating ’a life’ as difficult.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that ‘I have nothing’ if I don’t have a ‘perfect relationship’ (as I have defined it on my terms) with another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself in order to appease another, and to portray myself in a certain light, due to my fear of not being accepted, instead of accepting myself as I am despite the opinions and beliefs of those around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to be ‘right,’ instead of seeing, understanding and facing what it is I am resisting/resistant to/towards.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist applying myself in my own life and justifying it by using the excuse that the relationship has to work first.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed because I argued self-dishonestly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to argue for my limitations within justifying and validating my resistances, and then experiencing embarrassment because I built the idea perception or belief that I am right, I have the answers and thus the solutions should be reached on ‘my terms.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel anyone ‘owes’ me because of all the compromising I have done ‘for the relationship’, which was really all about me, and the dependence I had on the comfort and security of the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to leave the relationship to avoid facing me within the relationship.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that everything is being done out of spite, instead of realizing that this just means that I allow spite within and as me, and thus project it on to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in spite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed spite to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself as spite on to another in an attempt to figure out the actions/words of another, instead of realizing that I can only ever figure out my starting point within my actions and words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for the behavior of another towards me, and then compromised and punished myself for it, by further suppressing, submitting and devaluing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately blame myself when something ‘feels’ wrong, by thinking/believing/perceiving that ‘I’m bad,” instead of investigating through writing, to see where I need to stand and where I need to check my ego and manipulation tactics.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to leave a relationship to be able to do what I have to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that I have to leave in order to be able to do what I have to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive I need to ask permission and make sure it’ ok before I do something for me, or to put myself first, or exercise self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang on to who my partner ‘used to be,’ or the idea I created of who he is/was, and then projecting that into the future, instead of looking at the reality of the situation in the moment, from moment to moment, and directing myself within each moment with self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that to take complete self-responsibility in every moment allows me to see the reality of the situation, and what need to be said and done more clearly.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see/realize/understand that I am only dealing with my own mind within my internal reactions of thoughts/ideas/reactions/beliefs, and therefore, only absolute self-responsibility can get me through while standing stable, as well as stop me from abusing myself and my partner.

When and as I see that I am limiting or compromising myself within and as fear of the reactions of another, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the moment within the realization that only self-honesty in the moment will allow me to walk without compromising myself and the other, and will thus then lead to solutions to the problems we have I have been accepting and allowing myself to cycle through, over and over, my whole life.

I commit myself to standing up within my relationship, and without my relationship, until I prove to me that I do not depend on a relationship to stand.

I commit myself to live the realization that I determine and decide me, and no one else can do that for me.

I commit myself to assert myself in every moment, and I commit myself to admit that I ‘m wrong when I know I am wrong, and to take responsibility for myself within being wrong, by stopping the behavior/idea/perception/belief, and changing.