Within my previous four blogs I have been looking at the
obsessive-compulsive behavior that overcomes me when I am at work. This had
been so at every job I have worked, and often ends up causing me to believe
that the job is the problem, when in reality, the OCD is the source of the
difficulty I experience within working/employment/my studies/etc…
The pattern I have been working on pulling apart and
re-scripting has been the simple act of ‘seeing tasks through to proper
completion’. Within this I have confronted being able to determine within
myself,, and in terms of the actual physical work being performed, that which
is a ‘job well-done’, that which is ‘overkill’ as a try or attempt to attain an
unrealistic standard of unobtainable perfection (OCD behaviour), and that which
leads to a ‘giving up’ or ‘giving in’ before the task, obligation or
responsibility is seen through (OCD behaviour).
Within this, I want to dig a little deeper into what causes
the compulsion to A) obsess over every little detail of a task, obligation or
responsibility, or B) to become overwhelmed and give-up on my ability to
actually see the task through, either before even beginning, or before
completion.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, while
working on a specific project/task/obligation/responsibility, think about who
will be judging me, my work, and the outcome of the work that I do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine
the face of the person that I think, believe or perceive will be judging my
work, or the outcome at my work, and to visualize it with a discerning or
disappointed facial expression whenever I take a moment to contemplate the work
I am doing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect
anger, fear, anxiety and annoyance to the image of the discerning or
disappointed facial expression of whomever I will be presenting my work to.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my
judgment of the work that I do entirely upon the reaction of whomever I will be
presenting my work to.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to
consider Who I Am within the work that I do, but instead I have only considered
the final judgment of others regarding the outcome of my work.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to
define and determine Who I Am within the work that I do, because I had only
ever concerned myself, worried about, and become paranoid about how my work
will be perceived by those in the position of judging my work, signing my
paycheck, or grading my assignments.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become
paranoid about how my work will be judged or perceived in the end because of a
fear of the unknown; because I do not know what is going on inside the mind of
whomever I believe I need to impress, gain approval from, be validated by or
meet the standards of.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become
so critical of my own work, in a try and an attempt to cover every possible
detail that might be scrutinized by whoever’s opinion I believe counts when it
comes to determining the quality of my work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to drive
myself to paranoia by haunting my mind with the possible comments, criticisms,
objections or disapproving statements that may be directed towards my work, or
the outcome of my work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
sabotage myself within my work, by constantly and continuously thinking up more
and more ways that my work can be criticized, objected, have apparent mistakes
pointed out, or become scrutinized and taken apart, when in physical reality,
there is only so much I am able to physically do, because I only have so much
time to dedicate to each task before the work day is over/the assignment is
due/the deadline arrives.
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to realize
that there is not enough time in the day to obsess over each detail of a task/obligation/responsibility
in a way that would satisfy me, and within this:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe
my emotional reaction of dissatisfaction towards my work to be the truth, and
to be who and how I am, and to be an accurate measure of my work.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
experience myself as never having enough time because I can always twist my
work in my mind in order to find a possible mistake or flaw, thus creating and
manifesting the experience of ‘never being done’, or ‘never completing’ the
task, obligation or responsibility, because I constantly and continuously cycle
the thought, idea or belief that it may be pointed out that I had missed a
point, left a flaw, made a mistake, or done something improperly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to repeat
and cycle the thought of having my work criticized, scrutinized, picked apart,
and judged negatively, thus accumulating fear, anger, anxiety and annoyed energy
experiences within myself until there is a constant pressure which I seek to
appease and release through the obsessive behavior of picking apart my own work
and scrutinizing it, judging it negatively and criticizing, by going over it
again and again, and doing it over, until the point where I had repeated this
pattern to automation and the behavior had become compulsive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
overreact, to become offended and hurt, to feel self-conscious and embarrassed,
to feel like I am ‘not good enough’ or a failure, when and as someone points
out something in my work that can be improved, wherein instead of taking it as
a constructive criticism, I would instead take it as a confirmation of the
paranoid thoughts I had been repeating and cycling that my work can never be
good enough because it is not perfect.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
sabotage the work that I do by criticizing it, picking it apart, judging it
negatively and scrutinizing it in an attempt to find the flaws and make it
presentable, not for an actual person, but for the idea I hold of the person or
people I feel will be judging my work, realizing also that the idea I hold of
the person in my mind is based in the fear of the unknown and all that the
person might judge in my work,
instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the ‘person’ I am creating
an image of and projecting on to is Me; It is my self-criticism, my
over-scrutinizing, it is only ever me
picking apart my own work and finding every possible flaw, and it is myself that is judging my work
negatively, and holding it to an impossible standard. Within this:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave
myself to my own self-criticism, self-scrutiny, self-judgment and the
self-diminishment within this, by thinking, believing and perceiving that I
have been doing this for someone else, or because of someone else.
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghucaIdbrq_pGBigjqLOIjc3aw4FxC7PM8pwbK69DTSMJ1d66VV-tZFm0w0IL9Fnzkfx_mYzDOTBMYv1cHrLfPcpi9jHBJXmlKIb6SWrEuLBGDiXXuBrre3eSsybUZ48i2XiO8Gp18XOk/s400/never_quite_good_enough_by_Soda_Dreamer.jpg
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see,
realize and understand that the people I fear will judge me may very well have
the ability to determine what is practically achievable, what acceptable and
effective work is, and which standards are obtainable. If they do not, and they
themselves display unrealistic standards, then there is nothing I can do about
that, except learn and practice and direct myself to stand up within my own
work, as Who I Am within what I do, so that the outcome of the work is well
done by all practical measures, wherein another’s unreasonable standards will
not create a reaction within me, because I determine Who I am within my work.
To
be continued....
Continued
from:
Day 192- OCD at Work: How to Keep Your Job (pt 4)
Self-Study
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