Day 19 - Jealousy is a Bitch

            Today I am looking at jealousy. Although it has not been a prevalent point for me recently, it certainly has been in the past, which I will bring Here and forgive. It also emerges from time to time within me, mildly, and today I reacted to it, which means that I accepted and allowed jealousy to influence me, which is not acceptable as it is of separation, comparison, inferiority/superiority and self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become jealous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe jealousy exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing jealousy to exist within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within jealousy when I am in situations where someone else is chosen over me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that a choice is being made regarding my worth/value when I am not always chosen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel self-pity and victimized when I am jealous, as a form of self-manipulation so that I don’t have to face the fact that I’m only jealous because I’ve separated myself from my worth/value, and placed it outside of and separate from me, and have based it on the decisions/behavior/choices etc… of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as of little worth/value when I am not always chosen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as inferiority when I am not always chosen.

I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to participate within and as self-pity and victimization instead of standing up as myself as a whole self-directive being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the energetic experience of spite when I experience jealousy within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to manipulate those around me into choosing me as a reaction to the experience of jealousy within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to change myself in order to be/become a ‘better competitor’ when and as I experience jealousy.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting myself unconditionally, and therefor manifesting the experience of jealousy when I think/believe/perceive I have lost some kind of competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as ‘boring’ and ‘no fun’ when others gather together and I remain alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project others judging me when they are together and I am not there.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as though I’m missing out on something important when others are gathered and ‘going out’ and I choose to remain alone at home.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience embarrassment with regards to my experience of jealousy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience embarrassment with regards to jealousy because I perceive I have ‘lost’ some competition.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing’ with ‘embarrassment’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘losing’ within ‘embarrassment’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘losing’ and from ‘embarrassment’ by defining the word ‘losing’ within ‘embarrassment’ in separation of myself.

I commit myself to exposing any and all jealousy within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rescript myself without jealousy, as jealousy has no place in my life and does not serve me.

When I as I see that I am going into an experience of jealousy, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the understanding that I am a whole self-directive being who’s value/worth are not found in competition outside of me, but within the unconditional self-acceptance I allow myself to be.

Day 18 - The Presence of Another

            Sometimes when I’m alone I feel fine, but then someone will enter into my presence and I will become stressed, as if their presence causes me an internal reaction. I understand that my internal experience of myself is entirely my creation and responsibility, and that no one can ‘cause me’ to feel a certain way, so for today’s self-forgiveness I will take apart this pattern wherein I react to the presence of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the presence of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that the presence of another causes me to feel a certain way, specifically tonight, stressed.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my internal experience of myself, wherein I do not investigate the reasons for my reaction within the justification or excuse that it has been caused by an external environmental change, instead of realizing that the presence of another is reflecting me to myself, and I am really reacting to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within and as stress in the presence of another because I’m not sure who I am ‘supposed to be’ when I’m with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that I need to be or act a certain way because I’m not alone anymore, or because I am sharing my immediate environment with another being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change for other people, instead of remaining stable within and as myself, as Who I Am, even If I am not entirely certain as to Who I Am yet.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear exposing myself as Who I Am in the presence of another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being myself in front of another because I am so used to being or becoming ‘someone else’ for the sake of another, wherein I act in certain ways to ‘keep the peace,’ or to try/attempt to create a friendly/fun/happy/nice environment for the other.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try/attempt to manipulate myself/my environment/another being in order to try/attempt to create an certain specific experience or mood that I find appropriate/comfortable/safe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the mood/reactions/stresses of another being in my presence.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being the cause of the mood/reactions/stresses of another instead of realizing that I don’t have that kind of power, and that they are responsible for their own internal experience and I mine.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that Who I Am is not good enough, fun enough, happy or exciting enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think or believe that I am not enough instead of accepting myself as I walk my process of self change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-responsibility and self-direction when I am in the presence of another because of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the fear I create within me when I am in the presence of another by trying and attempting to ‘make it go away’ by changing who I am, instead of standing up from within that fear and standing stable as a statement of self-responsibility and self-direction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that changing who I am can change my internal experience of myself, instead of realizing that I cannot escape myself by playing a role or pretending I’m something I’m not. I see, realize and understand that this will only cause me more internal turnoil and will accumulate further consequences as a more intnse/increased version of what I am experiencing tonight, at a later time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing another being to dictate who and how I am.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand as Who I Am due to the fear that I will have to stick up for myself and  face the reactions of another because I am behaving differently than I usually do because I am not playing out my usual patterns of becoming something or someone I’m not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to explain myself and my change in behavior because of self-doubt, wherein I give my power away within the want/need/desire for the validation of another in order to validate me as Who I Am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future within and as the fear that I will not be validated by those in my environment, because I am acting differently than I normally do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire validation from a source outside of myself.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to be the living realization that only I can validate me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the want/need/desire for peace/fun/’happines’/excitement within my environment above or greater that me Standing Up from within the patterns I have created myself as.

I allow myself to validate me and stand as Who I Am as Life.

I commit myself to standing as equal and one to myself and to others in my environment and all that’s Here by standing up from within the fear that I have thus far accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as.

I commit myself to be/become a pillar of self-support, as well as support for others by standing up as Who I Am and not accepting and allowing anything less from myself or from others.

I commit myself to change my nature from patterns, habits and reactions to a being that is Here, in awareness, and who understands and lives the principles of oneness and equality.

Day 17- Survival of the Fittest Ego

            I was talking to a man about the student tuition protests that are taking place around where I live. I didn’t want to because I’ve noticed that these discussions get pretty fired up, and in the end, the whole thing is usually pretty inconsequential and useless. I resisted talking about it at first, but when he pulled a picture out of his pocket which looked like propaganda, depicting female students as girls-gone-wild types and males as violent anarchists, I let it get the best of me and proceeded to defend the students. He got really mad and narrowed in on me, his eyes completely changed, and his tone got angry and his whole body language changed and it scared me.

            What I observed within myself was this strong desire to not let him ‘win’. I felt I should be able to speak without being ‘shot down’ by an angry man. But when he began to change and go into what seemed like ‘attack mode’ I felt like by this sheer ‘force’ that he was becoming he had the power to diminish and discredit me. I started to feel like I didn’t really know what I was talking about and a bit vulnerable, and this made me angry. Then, I started to shake. It was cold out, and I had been shivering before, but as we were talking and I become angry and scared, I really began to shake.

            As it was happening, I kept telling myself to stop and breathe, to calm down and let it go… but I kept allowing myself to be ‘sucked back in’ within the desire to jump back into the conversation. I didn’t jump back into the conversation, but each time I thought about it I would get all charged up with this fear and anger energy which felt like a rush and was making me shake. Everyone had had a couple drinks (except me, I don’t drink), and I could see a little belligerence emerging so I decided to take a step back and look at the whole situation for what it was: all talk. I saw that nothing was going to come of this. I saw that this is a pattern that this specific male has been repeating for years as I recalled arguments between him and others quite often, only they had never been directed at me. I saw that I am not even really on any side of the student protests, as they are illegal manifestations and therefore disempower the students instead of taking the longer yet legal democratic approach (as is being done by the Equal Money System, wherein politics is used to gain the consent of the people to change public policy to support the population in the most effective ways, which would, of course, include an entire overhaul of the educational system). So, in the end- I just wanted to speak an opinion and either be ‘right’, or at least not be entirely discredited in front of the group.

            In the end, I am entirely unsatisfied with the way I reacted internally to the situation. It left me feeling disempowered, angry, and frustrated. So, my self-forgiveness for today will concentrate on this tendency I have of speaking up for the wrong reasons and at the wrong times, thus sabotaging myself by going into fear and inferiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be pulled into the energetic experience of wanting to be right, wanting to make a point as a matter of opinion, and wanting to ‘win’ an argument, thus leaving me vulnerable because I end up speaking words I can’t stand by in situations that are ‘obsolete,’ so to speak, because I would not even be speaking words as me, but rather words as opinions and words as weapons in a competition with another being that was displaying aggressive body language. If I had participated I would have brought myself to that level, thus making the statement that I support this type of behavior which comes down to survival games of competition where there are winners and losers and conflict, instead of me standing as an example of support and cooperation with my ‘fellow man’, or simply not participating nor supporting such behavior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the want/need/desire to spew (mostly meaningless) opinions (meaningless because they are not backed by any direct or practical actions that will bring my opinions out of my mind and into actual reality, therefore making them ‘all talk’ for the sake of winning/being right/competing).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the want/need/desire to be right for the sake of competition against another being within the want/need/desire to ‘win’ and the other to ‘lose’, instead of standing as a pillar of support/example of support/cooperation, which is what needs to be born into this physical existence at an individual level, instead of the endless patterns we have been repeating for millennia, which are survival, competition, and winning/losing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become overwhelmed by my human nature of survival and competition, wherein I want/need/desire to win/be right, and even though I stopped myself from fully participating, I still went on the roller-coaster ride of feeling/emotions/reactions wherein I went into inferiority/fear/anger instead of remaining stable, Here, and not participating in the mind in any way except as to observe my internal processes and the nature of me as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, in order that I may forgive myself and change my nature.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the polarity of superiority/inferiority, wherein I think/believe/perceive knowledge and information as some kind of power over me, making me less-than another within the belief that I may not know enough and be called out, which would be embarrassing, instead of standing up as Who I Am as a human being, equal to and one with all other beings in existence where no polarity actually exists, and where to fear another would mean to fear myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself because I don’t trust that I will ‘keep it together’ in and emotional argument, wherein I fear I will go into ‘survival mode’ and attack the other, either physically or verbally, thus creating consequences I don’t want to face.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to trust myself with another being, within the belief that another being can ‘set me off’ and I will lose control because I have so much anger which I so easily project onto another instead of taking responsibility for that anger and using it to change me into a being that is responsible and who lives according to the principles of equality and oneness, within which anger is not created as no abuse is possible when all are equal and one.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my suppressed anger when I’m in a confrontation wherein I project onto the other being all the anger I have towards myself, for all the times I should have stopped or stood up, but didn’t, in this, I end up blaming others for me not being able to stand, because I fear them, or I go into inferiority around them, and instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that these are only beliefs in my mind, I believe them to be real and to be caused by the other being.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away and thus to disempower myself by using blame within the belief that the other being is causing me to fear, and/or is causing me to experience the internal energetic experience of inferiority and vulnerability, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that is has always been me creating these experiences due to me making the experience seem so real by participating within and as them since my beginnings, instead of standing up and saying ‘NO’, and stopping myself from the temptations of the mind, and instead observing the reality of the situation for what it really is, which is basically and energetic shitshow where everyone involved is just doing the same thing in endless circles, which is spewing opinions, instigating confrontations, participating in reactive behaviours/feelings/emotions and feeding their egos by wanting/needing/desiring to ‘win’ and be ‘right’ as I experienced within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become tempted to compete in the game of the survival of the fittest ego, which is a game of intimidation, polarity and manipulation, a game which has no meaning and no end, and which only creates conflict between peers and time loops to be lived out again as a waste of time and thus a waste of Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste even one second of my Life by trying to compete against another’s ego, within and as my ego, instead of standing up as all  as one as equal as Life Here, within the cooperation, support, listening/hearing, respect, dignity and integrity that I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up due to fear of embarrassment, instead of embracing myself as Life wherein I accept me no matter what mistakes I experience  in front of a groups, because I understand that mistakes are opportunities to learn and change and improve me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in the emotional energetic experience of fear, anger and competition against another instead of asserting myself within awareness, wherein it is very clear why and how this behavior is abusive, and why and how I will not stand for/as it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear another as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe another human being is superior to me because he/she displays more conviction, wherein one is a CONVICT of vIctory Over aNother. This is not equality. This is what, in a billion little ways, creates a world of inequality, and I STOP myself from participating within and as this behavior in my daily life, so as not to pass it along or perpetuate in even one of the billion little ways, so that I can be one part of the change we need to be to change our nature and thus, change our reality to one that supports instead of destroys Life.

I commit myself to STOP participating in the behavior of survival, competition, and inferiority/superiority that has thus far been the nature that I have consciously or subconsciously accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as, as ‘human nature’ which we learn/create/pass on from generation to generation and perpetuate through our economic system, consumerism, education, religion and most all man(mind)-made systems within which we exist and collectively participate in today.

I commit myself to stop my participation within the indulgence of the mind in emotional and feeling energy that I have become addicted to, and to instead stand up from within that in order to function as a part of the actual physical reality we all share HERE and NOT in my mind where only I exist.

I commit myself to eradicate from myself, through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, the emotions, feeling, ideas and beliefs (etc…) that overwhelm me and cause me to shake, until I am stable, Here, and able to breathe through these reactions in order that I may see a situation with clarity, practicality and understanding, and direct myself according to what is best for all, and not what is best for ego.

I commit myself to understanding myself so that I may direct myself within equality and oneness, and not fear the unknown parts of my mind that cause me to not trust me.

I commit myself to walk into the darkness that I am in order that I may not fear me, but may instead expose me to myself and change that which is not aligned to what’s best for all until my living, breathing actions and words are a statement and a living application of equality and oneness wherein I allow myself to be the hearing/listening, seeing, understanding being of dignity, integrity and respect that I Am.

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of fear, anger or inferiority with another being in some kind of confrontation I STOP, and I breathe until the energy is gone. I direct myself to take a step back from the situation in order that I may see clearly the actual reality of what is going on and what my role is within it. I direct myself to either stop my participation, or to act, wherein my actions are based on what’s best for all within the practical limitations of this physical reality.

Day 16-does Changing My Environment Change Who I Am?

Recently I have had the opportunity to change environments three times and experience 4-5 different scenarios of people and interactions with both friends and family. I experienced small intimate groups, large formal groups, and large informal groups over the past week. What I realized was how much influence my environment has upon me, for example, with eating. I find when I’m in a big group and there’s lots of food out and it’s a ‘special’ event, I’ will just eat crap, eat too much and justify it with the excuse that it’s a ‘special occasion’ and I don’t eat like this all the time.

Currently, I have been involved in a lot of ‘special occasions’ all in a row, wherein I did not apply any self-will. When I look back over the past two years, I can see that I generally over eat all the time, and I also generally eat whatever I want, and cave in to cravings so long as they’re strong enough. What I’ve realized is that, I DO eat like this all the time, I’m only more extreme when it’s a special occasion, which is not a difficult justification to conjure up out of almost nothing.

What I’m saying is- the environment you exist within does not determine who you are and what you do. YOU are the one deciding. So anything which can be blamed on environment is an abdication of self-responsibility, and the fact of the matter is, it has been and will always be YOU/ME/US who is making the choices. It’s not the ‘special occasion’ that makes me over eat or eat crap; it’s who I am, it’s the choices I make because it’s what I really want. It’s a subtle addiction to the feeling of ‘fullness’. It’s a sugar addiction, it’s eating because I’m nervous, and it’s eating because of lack of will. It’s all of these things, and all of these things are NOT okay They are all physical actions which derive from emotional experiences, or which I do in order to manipulate my emotional experience- meaning, the way I feel inside is directing who I am, instead of ME directing myself. The way I feel inside is not a reasonable thing that has my best interest in any sort of alignment, nor does it take into consideration practical reality, for example, what my body actually needs, how much and when. Rather- it is based on emotional energy, and if I were to pursue it as if it was the ‘right’ thing to do, I would end up really obese (or rather- in self-honesty, slightly overweight) and probably diabetic if I went all out- so, I would be sick and unhealthy, uncomfortable in my body and probably very unsatisfied with myself and who am as a person. Whereas with self-direction, I act according to oneness and equality with myself, where there Is no part of me that is more powerful or weaker than another, such as addictions, habits, emotions etc… Rather, I am the directive principle of me, and I act based upon actual physical reality, not feelings and emotions, patterns and habits etc… and I align myself with what’s best for me as one and equal with all that’s Here, therefore I align myself with what’s best for all.

            Overeating and throwing away self-direction/self-will on a special occasion may not seem like such a big deal- as I have told myself within the process of justification, where I tell myself: “well, it’s just this once,” or, “I’m just enjoying myself with my friends and family.” These justifications may seem harmless, or even ‘right,’ but in reality, these small, seemingly minor decisions take place every day, hundreds of times by everyone, billions of people. Billions of decisions made in self-interest have created the world the way it is, a world of individuals who are in competition: survival of the fittest, absolute self-interest, which creates poverty for most, and abundance for the few.

In order for us to collectively STOP recreating this world of poverty, starvation and abuse, we have to stop making every little decision in self-interest where we consider only ourselves. So every little decision counts. The little decisions that we make subconsciously are indicative of who we really are at a fundamental level. When I throw away my self-direction and self-will when I use justification and excuses, I am making the statement to myself that I am less-than my habits, addictions and patterns; that my emotions and inner-experience dictate who I am; and that I do not have control/direction over myself, even in the most minor ways. We need to see, realize and understand that we can change this, we can document this change as proof, and then live the change so as to be an example of what is possible. This is where my earlier justification meets its polarity, now seeing the challenge as “too big,” and stopping before I even try to change with the excuse that “this is impossible.” But when I just stop justifying and instead actually try, the whole reality of the situation changes, because now there is nothing stopping me from realizing who I am, beyond self-interest, beyond addictions, habits and patterns, beyond self-created limitations and beyond what I have learned, or been taught what and who and how I am.

But, this can only go one way: one step at a time. So, this step, or this day (in this breath) I will forgive myself and release myself from one aspect or dimension of the belief that my environment determines who I am. This dimension consists of eating patterns, wherein I will use the excuse or justification that when it is a ‘special occasion’, I may eat whatever I want, despite any previous agreements I may have made with myself. I will release this pattern/habit/addiction in order that I may reclaim directive principle of myself, and stand as who I am according to ME as Life, and not according to energetic emotional experiences, feeling experiences, habits, patterns and addictions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become influenced by my environment, instead of directing myself in every moment, Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse/justification/belief that when my environment changes, I can/will/must change as well.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand regardless of who I am with, where I am or what I am doing.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to remain constant, consistent and stable as me, Here, despite what is going on around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be a reactive human being, which reacts to an environment, instead of an  active human being- one which creates itself in every moment Here as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my inner experience to be my guiding principle instead of developing self-trust, and leading myself as the self-directive principle of me, wherein I choose to align myself with oneness and equality, to myself and to all that’s here, rather than being directed by an inner experience that is aligned with self-interest, gluttony addictions, habits, patterns, beliefs, etc…

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind and ego, believing that is what is best for me, instead of realizing that it is an abdication of self-responsibility that, on a mass scale, creates the world as we see it today.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat whatever “I want” during times I have defined as ‘special,’ because of the thought/idea/belief that my environment dictates who I am, in other words, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make and reinforce the decision or statement that ‘my environment dictates who I am’ by accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self-will and self-direction during certain specific times/changes/occasions that take place in my environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to so easily disregard myself as Life in order to indulge in the mind of self-interest as addiction/habits/patterns/beliefs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse/justification/belief that my environment has more power/control/direction over me than I do, thus justifying the abdication of my responsibility to myself, and to Life, as I stand as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the inner experience of nervousness dictates who and how I am, rather than standing up during that inner-experience of nervousness in order to prove to myself, over time, that nervousness is not who I am, it does not direct me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that m addiction to the feeling of fullness/satiation dictates who and how I am, instead of standing up from within that addiction, applying self-will and self-direction and not succumbing, in order to prove to myself, over time, that addiction does not determine who or how I am, it does not direct me. I direct me Here according to oneness and equality to myself and to all that is Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that eating habits are bigger than my self-direction, wherein a habit, or ‘the way it has always been’ determines ‘the way it will always be,’ instead or standing up from within that habit in order that I may change it, thus making the living statement that I determine me, I decide who and how I am and will be from here on out.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand up from within the habit of over-eating at ‘special occasions’ because of excuses, justifications and beliefs which I used to accept and allow myself to fall back in to the indulgences of the mind instead of standing stable, Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the behavior of others to determine my behavior, thus making the living statement that I am a follower, or I allow others to direct me, this is not acceptable as one who follows cannot be trusted, therefore, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the behavior of others as an excuse or justification as to who and how I comport myself in my body/physical/reality/life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my justifications and excuses instead of applying self-honesty in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use food as a comfort, making the statement that I need to be comforted, instead of accepting myself and directing myself towards being and becoming a being I can accept.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use food to manipulate my inner experience of myself, instead of realizing this is self-abuse, and is not who I am as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to destroy the self-will and self-trust I have built up thus far by tossing it aside for the sake of a ‘special occasion’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sabotage myself by accepting and allowing my environment to determine who I am when I know better than that, that it is only me who influences and decides for me, and I cannot escape from that responsibility.

I commit myself to walk through, untangle, understand and change those parts of my life that I have used to justify and excuse self-abdication until all of me is self-directive wherein I am able to apply self-will in every moment.

I commit myself to being and becoming the self-directive principle of me, and releasing myself from the influence my environment has upon me, until I am aligned with reality in a practical way that supports me as all as one as equal.

I commit myself to standing stable in every moment, and o not sabotage myself in a moment due to an internal experience or an environmental pressure.

When and as I see myself going into excuses, justifications and beliefs that allow me to sabotage myself, such as with over-eating at a ‘special’ occasion, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the understanding that such actions are an abdication of self-responsibility, and falling in the face of these temptations diminishes me as it destroys the self-commitment, self-will and self-direction I have created within me thus far. I WILL NOT accept and allow myself to sabotage and diminish myself in this way, so instead I breathe, I realize that I cannot trust the feelings inside me, and instead I will trust myself as life, even when it doesn’t feel ‘good’. I realize change does not always feel ‘good’.

Day 15- Anger Reactions

Today I reacted in anger when someone grew angry towards me, because I said something that the person was sensitive about. The person looked me right in the eyes and confronted me. I feared the confrontation, and instead of standing up from within that fear I grew angry. I projected this anger onto the person instead of taking self-responsibility for it by realizing that I am only angry at myself for not sticking up for myself due to fear of confrontation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak haphazardly, using many words without considering their consequences and impact upon those around me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to speak words without considering whether or not I can stand by them eternally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a conversation because I found it funny, somewhat at the expense of another person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger and project it on to another, using the excuse that THEY aren’t taking responsibility for their emotions/reactions and are projecting onto me, when I am in fact doing this very thing myself.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to take responsibility for my emotions/feelings/reactions in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger towards another instead of realizing that I am only angry with myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear confrontation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for fearing confrontation instead of standing up from within that fear and changing it.

I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to stand by the words I speak/speak words I can stand by.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing up for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear confrontation because I fear I won’t stand up for myself and will thus end up frustrated and disappointed in myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be or become frustrated and disappointed with myself when I don’t stand up for me, instead of facing myself in forgiveness, figuring out why I feel these things, rescripting myself and walking the change over time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing up for myself because of uncertainty, wherein I feel uncertain whether what I am standing up for and as is valid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to stand up to things/issues/situations in which I am standing up from within an energetic experience, wherein I am standing up in defense of my own ego/ideas/limitations/beliefs, instead of standing up as myself as Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to access all the memories I have of times I allowed others to use me/walk on me in moments where I did not stand up for me, wherein I become angry at myself instead of forgiving myself in order that I may never allow myself to go into inferiority again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act thoughtlessly, not without thought, but within too much thought, wherein I become distracted and ‘lost in thought’ when and as I act, so that if someone questions what I’ve done or why I’ve done something, it takes me a long time to remember why I did it, and in the time it takes me to remember I go into guilt and inferiority, just assuming that I’ve done something wrong, this creates a sense of self-victimization where I feel wrongly accused,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within inferiority and self-victimization which brings me into an energetic state within which I think/believe/perceive I am weak and I can’t stand up, instead of breathing through it within the realization that it is not real, only a self-created delusion that limits, diminishes and does not serve me.

I realize that when I speak words I cannot stand by, it’s like a form of self-sabotage which creates situations that I can get called out in, which sends me into all sorts of reactions such as anger, self-victimization and inferiority. I realize this is completely avoidable, and I commit myself to act within presence and awareness oneness and equality, in every moment.

I realize it is not necessary to stand up from within energetic experiences where I am feeling ‘defensive’ and standing up for and as my mind/ego/ideas, I commit myself to be self-honest in these situations.

I realize that when I act ‘thoughtlessly’ I will create a situation or guilt and inferiority for myself, I commit myself to bring myself back to awareness in these moments, wherein I bring myself back to awareness in order that  I may see what I’ve done so as not to repeat it.

I realize that the weakness of inferiority and self-victimization is not real, and I commit myself to stand up from within these energetic experiences until I have proven to me that they no longer exist within and as me.

When and as I see myself not standing up for me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness by doing a self-check. I check to see if I am defending my mind/ego, to see if I have acted thoughtlessly or spoken words that I cannot stand by, I check to see if I am in inferiority or self-victimization and I stop my participation from within these patterns. I remind myself to remain self-honest and humble, so that I may either walk through my consequences without reaction, or stand up for myself as life.

Day 14- Giving Up

Blog 2- DIP Lesson 8- Giving Up

            “It’s the small things that make it huge”

My points of giving up in my life currently are not grandiose feats which I try my hardest to complete and then fail, and fall into giving up. They are small, tiny things that are extremely ‘sneaky.’ Before Desteni, I would not even have considered them to be points of giving up. But now, as I slow down my  mind I can just scarcely see these small points where I start something and then manage to find some way or reason or excuse to not complete the thing.

            The memories I have in relation to this are giving up on running, wherein I used to do long-distance cross-country running and I excelled at it. It was hard and uncomfortable, but there was always a part of me that knew I would have pushed myself a little harder and I would have seen how far I could go with it- just to know. But instead I dropped it for no real reason except that I could.

            The second memory is giving up on college. I didn’t push myself through, instead, I quit. I just stopped going and eventually flunked out. It’s as if I reach a point where it’s not easy anymore, and I foresee that it’s going to take effort and there’s no guarantees that I’m going to make it and not fail. I’d do it if it were easy or if I had to. But if it was hard and I had to rely on myself to motivate, push and discipline me- forget it.

            This is a bad habit that I’ve developed over the years, and one which I have been breaking down and writing through with my DIP courses throughout my current experience of taking classes at university. In looking at these past memories now and at my current situation, I see that my tendency to give up is closely related to future projections, wherein I project into the future about possible failure, and then I give up before I even start. This is akin to giving up at the starting line, thus making the statement “I may fail so I won’t even try.” It’s very safe, yet at the same time it removes one from the ‘game’, or from life altogether, because you just sit on the sidelines and do nothing as life passes by. I will not accept this tendency within me.

Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the idea of ‘giving up.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought of giving up to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe ‘giving up’ exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate with the idea or thought of giving up as soon as I think of a task I want to do, because within this ‘wanting to do it well’ I overwhelm myself by using future projection wherein I project perfection and then immediately face the polarity of failure and then initiate the energy/thought/idea of ‘giving up’ before I even start.

I usually do what I need to do regardless of the participation within and as ‘giving up,’ however, it becomes a battle throughout the entire task wherein it takes twice as long and in worse scenarios ends up incomplete or poorly done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project an ideal of perfection when I move to do something ‘good’, thus creating a daunting task instead of taking the task one step at a time and doing what I can and doing it well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not living up to my own standards of perfection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear disappointing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting myself down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt myself and my ability to walkthrough tasks from beginning to end because they seem daunting when I project perfection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide to do something and then doubt my ability to do it well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt my ability to move myself without succumbing to the influence of the self-created experience of giving up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to succumb to forms of pressure from my environment which I allow to lead me to giving up, such as people or events.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the delusion of perfection and of ideas of grandeur when I begin a task, because they usually later overwhelm me wherein I lead myself to give up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the delusions of horrible failure, wherein I imagine consequences that are way disproportionate to what they are actually possible of being in reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use excuses and justifications in order to CONvince myself that giving up is okay.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hesitate before starting a task, thus giving myself the opportunity to slip into my mind and make that shift into thoughts, ideas and excuses instead of simply taking a breath and beginning,

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hesitate for a moment thus allowing myself to activate the self-created systems of habits and patterns wherein I create the energetic experience of ‘giving up’ which I accept and allow to overcome me and give up either immediately or eventually.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become directed by the fears and doubts which lead to giving up, instead of directing myself in every breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘giving up’ to exist in my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, need or desire to give up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to fears and doubts, accepting and allowing myself to believe that the experience of wanting to give up is ‘more than’ and ‘more powerful’ than me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I would rather conform and compromise than facing myself and my world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perform tasks within the energetic experience of ‘giving up’, thus making it seem harder, more difficult, more strenuous and longer instead of breathing Here and performing tasks within specificity, effectiveness and efficiency.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to and define myself by memories of ‘giving up,’ specifically memories of quitting running and dropping out of school. I allow myself to let go of these memories and delete them, as they do not serve me in any way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by the energetic experience I have associated and attached to memories of giving up from my past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to recycle energetic experiences from my past in relation to giving up, by constantly and continuously rehashing and bringing up old memories of times that I have given up on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that giving up is who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to doubt that I can push myself through any task because I have let myself down and given up on myself in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rehash and bring back my past because it’s more comfortable and safe to re-live what, who and how I have already been, rather than walking fearlessly into an unscripted future, wherein I directly script myself as who and how I can accept myself to be, in order to create a me that I can unconditionally accept.

I realize that the moment of wanting to give up is a moment of transcendence and in this moment I have the choice to stand up, or to fall back into an old pattern within which I will cycle me through everything I have already been through, only ten times worse, wherein standing up will become more difficult. I realize this entire cycle is unnecessary and completely avoidable so long as I apply myself in every moment.

I realize that ‘giving up’ is an energetic experience of the mind that is not bigger or more powerful than me, and when and as I walk through it, I am actually walking through my own acceptances and allowances and actually changing me, and I realize this is not going to feel ‘good’ or comfortable or familiar.

When and as I see myself hesitate before a task, I simply take a breath, get up, and move me.

Giving up

-disappointment

-discouraged

-routine

-comfort

-breaking point

-escape

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘giving up’ with ‘disappointment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘giving up’ within and as the word ‘disappointment’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘giving up’ and from the word ‘disappointment’ by defining the words ‘giving up’ within the word ‘disappointment’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words ‘giving up’ with the word ‘discouraged.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘giving up’ within the word ‘discouraged.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the words ‘giving up’ and from the word ‘discouraged’ by defining the words ‘giving up within the word ‘discouraged’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘giving up’ to the word ‘routine.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the words ‘giving up’ within the word ‘routine.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the words ‘giving up’ and from the word ‘routine’ by defining the words ‘giving up’ within the word ‘routine’ in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘giving up’ to ‘comfort.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the words ‘giving up’ within the word ‘comfort’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘giving up’ and from ‘comfort’ by defining the words ‘giving p’ within the word ‘comfort in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘giving up’ to my breaking point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the words ‘giving up’ within ‘breaking point’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘giving up’ and from my breaking point by defining the words ‘giving up’ within the word ‘breaking point’ in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘giving up’ to ‘escape.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the words ‘giving up’ within the word ‘escape.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘giving up’ and from ‘escape’ by defining the words ‘giving up’ within the word ‘escape’ in separation of me.

Giving Up:

Dictionary Definition:

1. A verbal act of admitting defeat.

2. The act of forsaking.

Sounds Like:

GIVE I UP

New definition:

The act of forsaking my individual I of the mind/ego of self-interest wherein I accept and allow my ego to admit defeat so that who I am as Life may emerge and stand as all as one as equal.