Continuing with THE DREAM - Osho Card Reading: Day 10 of 21

Continuing from my last blog... THE DREAM

Osho Card:

Looking at the point:

"What I can see when I bring the point up in me, is that there are certain parts of the work that I am doing that i have labelled as 'work' in terms of it not being exciting or fun or 'positive'. I will have a project with a final goal, and a lot of the work involved in getting there IS fun and enjoyable to me. But then there is 'the other stuff'. The research, the learning, the coursework, the 'serious stuff' that I have to go through to get to my final goal. And sometimes I don't know how to go about a certain step, in which case I go into a helplessness that I identified in my last blog, and that helplessness creates frustration and in this case avoidance and distraction."

I held this understanding with me today while I worked, and I observed myself as I went through this point. What I realized was that the pressing issue is when I don't completely understand where I'm heading, the goal is not clear, and the steps are not clear.

What I found was that, when I identified the issue, I was able to focus and hone my attention on the problem, instead of feeling 'all over the place' and directionless, which, when left undirected, leads to overwhelm and an underlying helplessness. When I could focus and hone my attention, things became more clear. I still did not see the final outcome, but I identified the right questions to ask, and I set out to ask them.

Another obstacle I could identify was that initial push it takes to get started on a task that I know will be long, in my case research. With research, you don't really know what you are looking for till you find it, and even then, it can be like finding puzzle pieces scattered about, and not having a map for how they fit together. I realize I have to become comfortable with this 'unknowing'.

Lastly, I had to address the question of time. I had given myself certain deadlines, and with them I felt the pressure, which was causing me to feel a bit of a squeeze as I was still trying to identify the obstacles I was facing. The feeling was that I didn't have TIME for obstacles, that I needed to KNOW RIGHT NOW what to do, and for this reason, I didn't want to invest the time into myself basically, to find out what was going on with me and how to walk through it.

So, what I did was drop the idea of a deadline. This seems counter-intuitive, but the thing is that holding this deadline above myself was actually causing me to move more slowly. When I dropped it, I felt lighter, and even more ready to get to work.

So, these are my findings today as I walk my quest to improve myself, change myself from limiting patterns and habits I have been living out up till now. No matter how big or small, they need to be addressed in terms of being identified, corrected and then lived out in real time.

Thanks for reading!

Daily Osho Card Reading: 'THE DREAM' - Day 9 of 21

Today the intention I held within me as I pulled an Osho card for self-support was to help me identify what is the problem I face when I sit in front of my computer to work, and I become tense, easily distracted and participate in shifty focus, where I am drawn away from the task I set out to do, and do many other cool, yet un-planned things instead or additionally. This draws out the task at hand, and causes inefficiency in my work, as well as reactions towards not getting the things done as I had planned.

Card pulled: THE DREAM

Description:

"Some enchanted evening you're going to meet your soulmate, the perfect person who will meet all your needs and fulfill all your dreams. Right? Wrong! This fantasy that songwriters and poets are so fond of perpetuating has its roots in memories of the womb, where we were so secure and "at one" with our mothers; it's no wonder we have hankered to return to that place all our lives. But, to put it quite brutally, it is a childish dream. And it's amazing we hang on to it so stubbornly in the face of reality. Nobody, whether it's your current mate or some dreamed-of partner in the future, has any obligation to deliver your happiness on a platter--nor could they even if they wanted to. Real love comes not from trying to solve our neediness by depending on another, but by developing our own inner richness and maturity. Then we have so much love to give that we naturally draw lovers towards us."

This card's description reminds me of a quote from Bernard Poolman, that "work is love made visible".

I pulled this card in relation to 'work'. And surprisingly, the card is quite appropriate in what it mentions and neglects to mention.

I think what the card neglects to mention is the work it takes to "develop our own inner richness and maturity". It takes experience, meaning, actually walking through challenges, falling and getting up again, pushing self through resistances to get to the other side of them in order to develop these things, and seeing through commitments to actually know from living experience what that entails.

It is challenging, but I personally have mostly experienced fulfillment after having overcome a challenge.

 But in reading the description, I am also led to wonder: have I developed a romantic relationship with some potential work out there that I am waiting for to fulfill and complete me?  Where I will love the work so much that it will easily flow, never posing a challenge, never a resistance, never bringing forth a part of me that I will have to face and overcome?

This is the point that comes up when I apply this card in my life in relation to the support I had asked regarding my difficulty while working.

I have set myself up and walked a process where i am in the exact position I have always wanted to be. I absolutely love it and am so incredibly grateful to be here. But yes, I am still facing the same challenges that I was facing back at all the jobs I had labelled as 'meaningless to me', jobs that were not what I was passionate about, or were not what I wanted to be doing with my time. So, obviously it was never the job, it has always been me that is/was the 'problem'. Which is cool, because it means I am also the solution, and if I am the solution, then I can apply myself in any and all work that I do, as this too shall pass, and there is no saying what will come next or where I may end up at this point in my life.

What I can see when I bring the point up in me, is that there are certain parts of the work that I am doing that i have labelled as 'work' in terms of it not being exciting or fun or 'positive'. I will have a project with a final goal, and a lot of the work involved in getting there IS fun and enjoyable to me. But then there is 'the other stuff'. The research, the learning, the coursework, the 'serious stuff' that I have to go through to get to my final goal. And sometimes I don't know how to go about a certain step, in which case I go into a helplessness that I identified in my last blog, and that helplessness creates frustration and in this case avoidance and distraction.

This is cool to see as it is another dimension opening up about a point that I had just opened up yesterday. The thing about facing such points is that they are multi-dimensional in this way, and too often we will open up only one, maybe two dimensions of a point, never really getting the full picture of how it is playing out in our lives.

So, here I can see I have a romantic expectation of the job I am doing, an expectation that is unrealistic and thus, the starting point of the work is already problematic in that it will create consequences in my work when that expectation is not met. The correction here is to drop that starting point - to let go of any and all conscious or subconscious beliefs that such  perfect, easy and flowing work will come naturally, and end up making me feel fulfilled and complete automatically.

This does not mean I will accept and allow working to be a laborious struggle. It simply means I still need to re-define what work is to me, and look at who I am within it.

This brings up the point of the way I handle the more difficult or challenging, yet necessary steps towards my goals. I have come to program myself to see this scenario as a laborious struggle. These include the obstacles I face that I must figure out as I go, not already knowing how to handle them. These are unlike the obstacles I have faced many times and are now easier to see my way through, as I had already paved the way for myself.

Paving the way for oneself does not mean creating a life of paved roads, one that you can easily coast through till the end. That would mean only always sticking to what you know, what you have already done, and that is limiting. Paving the way means making space for oneself to expand - meaning, once you have one road paved, it becomes easier, so the time and effort you had put into paving it is now freed up to start another, new road. This way, there is no coasting, there is only constant expansion.

 I will continue in my next blog!

21 Days of Osho Card Readings - Day 8 of 21: 'FIGHTING'

What I am doing in this series is holding an intention within me and then pulling an Osho card to see what support I can derive from it. In this way, Osho card readings can come out of the realm of mysticism, future predictions or positive reinforcements, and instead become a practical support that I can live.

Because it is me as MYSELF interpreting the card for me, seeing what realizations I can bring forth and how I can change my daily living, it empowers ME, instead of reading the cards in such a way where the cards hold some kind of power in or over my life.

When the power is placed in things, objects or even ideas and beliefs outside of ourselves, it actually disempowers us to change, alter or create our lives, and causes us to be stuck in habits and patterns while we wait and hope for something to come in and help us in some way.

That being said, the card for today is:

"An explosive temper or a smoldering rage often masks a deep feeling of pain. We think that if we frighten people away, we can avoid being hurt even more. In fact, just the opposite is the case. By covering our wounds with armor we are preventing them from being healed. By lashing out at others we keep ourselves from getting the love and nourishment we need.

If this description seems to fit you, it's time to stop fighting. There is so much love available to you if you just let it in. Start by forgiving yourself: you're worth it."

When I pulled this card today, I was holding the intention of asking for some support on the reactions I was having regarding my work. This card is quite fitting, in terms of the subconscious internal rage I had been building up regarding my work. The rage was a consequence of the reactions I was having, which were masking a deep helplessness I was feeling in the situation. The reactions were frustration, irritation, agitation, anger and overwhelm. Let me explain:

I am currently in a new position where I want to go ahead full steam, start my projects and become very productive. However,  I had been experiencing 'sticks in my spokes' from the beginning, namely in the form of my internet connection not working. Seeing as I am doing mostly web-based work, this caused a serious back-log, and I became increasingly emotional, from anger and frustration, to overwhelm, and then of course helplessness as I am in a different country and am not too tech savvy. It got to a point where I felt so internally angry, that I had an image of myself in an absolute rage appear in my mind, which reminds me of the image on the card I pulled today.

My housemate Leslie John  was eliminating potential problems one by one, and each one required time and testing. With each new effort, when it did not work, I would go into helplessness, subconsciously thinking and believing it would never be fixed, and there was nothing I can do. This was the belief that was hidden under the reactions, and the reactions were masking the helplessness I was feeling.

Now, the 'rage'  I was experiencing was not exerted on anyone, or being expressed in any sort of destructive way. Seeing as I am using certain specific tools of self-support in my daily living,  I was working with the points as they came up. As we worked on finding a solution, I was getting other stuff done, working on some projects in the physical that I had been wanting to do, working on my breathing, getting outside and physical when I felt the reactions building up, writing it out and seeing it for what it was.

But the reality is that the problem simply needed to be addressed. We can work with our reactions and manage ourselves within them, and that is necessary, but if the problem isn't addressed, then we'll get nowhere in reality. The problem being addressed is actually quite a simple process that Leslie John was walking, by testing things one-by-one. There was no reactions needed, they were completely unnecessary and actually drew-out the problem solving process as I would spend time fighting with myself, then having to work through the reactions before going back to Leslie John to report the issues.

And so, I will take the advice from the card, quite literally, which was to "Start by forgiving yourself: you're worth it." And I will include a self-corrective statement and self -commitment to be able to direct myself when future similar moment arise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within helplessness when I am confronted by obstacles that I do not know how to overcome immediately in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back chat that "it won't work, I will not be able to fix this", creating the feeling of helplessness within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mask the feeling of helplessness I created within myself, by participating within and as frustration, irritation, anger, agitation and overwhelm, all accumulating to bring me to a point of rage, within which I do not function properly or efficiently, but rather drag out the problem, and thus the rage, causing consequence in my body as well as in my external reality through drawing out the problem longer than is necessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and generate a rage within me, which causes internal discomfort, triggers OCD and thus causes double consequence for my body to have to deal with and go through.

When and as I see that I am being confronted by an obstacle that I do not immediately know how to over come, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that there is always a solution, even if I cannot yet see it, and even if it is not the one I was expecting. I see, realize and understand that reacting to the problem only draws it out, and that the solution-finding process is a simple, step-by-step process requiring only consideration, communication and/or direct action, and there is no need for emotional reaction.

I commit myself to confront obstacles for the simple equation that they actually are, problem-solution.

I commit myself to NOT over-complicate problems and obstacles by reaction emotionally to them.


For self-support, visit www.desteni.org

21 Days of Osho Card Readings, 'Turning In' - Day 7 of 21

"The woman in this image has a faint smile on her face. In fact she is just watching the antics of the mind--not judging, not trying to stop them, not identified, just watching as if they were traffic on the road, or ripples on the surface of a pond. And the antics of the mind are slightly amusing, as it jumps up and down and twists this way and that, trying to get your attention and seduce you into the game. To develop the knack of taking a distance from the mind is one of the greatest blessings. It is what meditation is all about really--not chanting a mantra, or repeating an affirmation, but just watching, as if the mind belongs to somebody else. You are ready to take this distance now, and to watch the show without getting caught up in the drama. Indulge yourself in the simple freedom of Turning In whenever you can, and the knack of meditation will grow and deepen in you."

  I like to take this concept of objectively watching the mind, and push myself to apply it in all moments, not only special moments such as meditation. For me, how I can apply this card in my life and what it can support with right now, is a 'turning in' while I am busy walking through all the activities and events throughout my day.

This card is a good reminder to, every now and again, take a moment with my breath and ground myself, like a micro-meditation. To pull myself out of whatever mind participation I am busy with, and come back into my body with my feet firmly planted on the ground. This would be like a moment where I do a 'turning in' as a self check, and then I continue with what I am doing so that I can take this self-awareness with me into the task at hand.

Another supportive living expression of this 'turning in' for me can be applied as I integrate doing more of what I love into my day. It has become a new point that I am walking, to do more of the hobbies and activities that I enjoy, or to try out and discover new ones. Even just things I have intended to do in the past but never got around to, never made the time, or never made it a priority. This is the point or intention I was holding within me as I pulled my card today, as I asked for support on how to effectively integrate this new process into my life. 'Turning in' in this way would be to stop, to take a look at what my interests are, and then bringing myself here, fully present while I take the steps to make the time and do them, despite the reasons, justifications and excuses my mind may throw at me to procrastinate or not even do it at all!

 So far I have included spending time with animals, morning yoga, drinking tea, going for walks, growing plants and brewing kombucha (a fermented tea). I would like to keep up these activities and bring in a few more so that my life is not only about working and resting, but more of a fluid motion where I move from those tasks, responsibilities and obligations that I must do, to those activities that I enjoy, to moments of physical exertion and moments of rest, all depending on what is appropriate in the moment.

The important point I want to bring through with 'turning in', is to really make the moment about me, about Who I Am in that moment. Am I rushing around in my mind, trying to get things done as fast as possible, or am I really Here, enjoying the moment, not being seduced into the "ups and downs, twists and turns" of my mind. This way, I will be more Here, be more Myself, get to know myself more and be more present with those around me.

Even in this present moment, I took a moment to 'turn in' once I understood the meaning and my own interpretation of the card. Writing can also be 'meditative' in that it can assist and support one to clear one's mind, ground oneself here, and take a moment to understand, define, find solutions or share a moment in one's life.

Osho Tarot Card of the Day "Go with the Flow" - Day 6 of 21

“The figure in this card is completely relaxed and at ease in the water, letting it take him where it will. He has mastered the art of being passive and receptive without being dull or sleepy. He is just available to the currents of life, with never a thought of saying "I don't like that," or "I prefer to go the other way." Every moment in life we have a choice whether to enter life's waters and float, or to try to swim upstream. When this card appears in a reading it is an indication that you are able to float now, trusting that life will support you in your relaxation and take you exactly where it wants you to go. Allow this feeling of trust and relaxation to grow more and more; everything is happening exactly as it should.” I think the tendency I may have had in the past with this card would be to interpret this information in such a way where I would ‘go with the flow’ in such a way as to not apply myself fully, not direct myself, and giving up my self-directive principle within the interpretation that ‘life’, as some outside force or entity, has got everything taken care of, and I can just sit back and relax. Within this, what happens is that I get too comfortable and fall into the trap of ‘comfort zones’, where I end up procrastinating, becoming lazy and stagnant, and then accumulate undirected energy in the form of anxiety and stress, because deep down I know this way of living is not what’s best or beneficial to me or anyone. Through walking a process with Desteni, I would now change my interpretation of the phrase “trusting that life will support you in your relaxation and take you exactly where it wants you to go” as a trust in myself AS life, with the journey being more of an internal journey of self-creation. The “where I want to go” is to reach my utmost potential, because this journey is where I actually have the most power and control in the form of self-control or self-mastery. I can ‘go with the flow in terms of getting to know myself, testing things and letting them play out to see who I am within them, and then check in with myself to see where I require adjustments and changes. Remembering that I am that force that I can trust, that Self-Trust that I have been developing and continue to develop. I can relax and be at ease within myself because I know that I can investigate and direct that which causes friction and dis-ease within me, and I can change it. What I do not have complete control over are the external factors and situations I find myself in in life, and so there is a certain amount of ‘going with the flow’ involved there as I make myself “available to the currents of life” by remembering that I always have a say in Who I Am in any given situation, how I react to it, whether or not I judge or become emotional about it. I can direct myself to the best of my ability within the currents of life while not fighting or struggling against them. “Being passive and receptive without being dull or sleepy” to me also means that I can let go of the desire for security and control over my external reality, which has the tendency to create stress and anxiety within me, and instead I can remain alert and aware of Who I Am within the waters of life, including the currents, the storms and the stagnations. Instead of trying to control the situation, I practice self-mastery and master the waters within me. This process is only as difficult as we chose to make it. I have for too long accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously want life to be hard and to be a struggle, thinking and believing that if I am not burdened and struggling, that I am not fully living. What I can take from this is that I know I am capable to direct myself when things are difficult, and I enjoy a challenge – but that difficulty and challenge does not have to come from me struggling to control my environment or burdening myself with thoughts, judgments, reactions and fears. I can challenge myself instead with learning what it really means to take responsibility – to be and become self-responsible, to learn and practice self-creation, and what it means to create myself as the person I want to be. That, in itself, is challenging enough! There is no need to place any more difficulty than is necessary. So, when I pull a card that is ‘an indication that you are able to float now, trusting that life will support you in your relaxation and take you exactly where it wants you to go”, I see this as my ability to direct myself, and to trust in, and not fight that self-direction, and within this, to continue to develop that trust in myself AS Life. I have often paired “going with the flow” with the words ‘structure’ and ‘flexibility’ in a complimentary support system of words that work best when lived together. I just recently moved back to a farm and communal living environment, where there are lots of people and projects that have differing schedules as well as weather and internet requirements which change all the time. Additionally, there are animals and children with needs that can pop up unexpectedly. Needless to say, the structure here is ever-changing and ever-fluctuating, so developing a structure within this has been quite a challenge for me in the past. The challenge is creating a structure and then being adaptable in every moment. This requires the ability and discipline to structure my time and schedule, as well as the flexibility to change in a moment’s notice, and the art of ‘going with the flow’, as I cannot think about only myself, and must flow with the other people, animals and environment. Having pulled the ‘going with the flow’ card on my first day back is quite a good support and reminder of words to live particularly in this environment. I am used to a life of school and work, both which basically structured my time for me. Here there is no such rigid schedule, and everybody must work together to get things done. I look forward to living the words ‘go with the flow’, within the understanding that it involves developing the discipline of self-direction, and the realization that I can trust myself to walk the process to get it done. This puts me at ease and at peace because the process is a forgiving one, and I can walk it gently.

ReDefining 'Projection' - 21 Days of Words with Osho - Day 1

I am looking at re-defining and living words by pulling Osho cards for 21 days as a way to choose my words. I take insights from the card, and then look at the word in my own life, in terms of how I have been living it, what the correction is, and how I can move from here on out in such a way that I can live the words in a way that is best for all. The word card for today will be 'projection'. This is day 1 of 20.

This card is depicting two people looking at each other, but not seeing each other for real. We very rarely look at and see each other for real, with our 'vision' of each other being veiled by our own expectations, judgments, fears and desires. We project this on to each other, creating our own virtual realities, with all the people in our lives becoming only projections of ourselves, of all the things we have not taken self-responsibility for. I have done this, and continue to do it to this day, and this card I pulled today is a good reminder of a skill that I know I have, that I have developed with awareness, and that I know how to apply in every moment of my life. That skill is 'taking it back to self', where I have proven to myself through self-introspection, writing and self-forgiveness, that everything I have ever projected, every judgment I have ever had, has always been about me, and I have always had the ability to take the steps required to sort it out and bring it back to myself, placing my power and the power to see reality for real, squarely in my own hands. I have had this ability, but that does not mean I have always practiced it, and when I have, it doesn't mean it always went smoothly. I have gone into reactions, blame, anger, frustration and all sorts of other emotional states that seemed so real and so justified, only to lead to arguments, fighting and me feeling even more powerless and hurt than before. I think if one doesn't step-in in their own life and take self-responsibility, it is possible to live a life of endless arguments, projection, resent and creating more and more icy cold distance between self and those that one loves the most. With the ups and downs of fighting and making amends, this cycling can make it seem and feel like there is progression, forward motion and evolution within a relationship/friendship/family relation, and this can be called 'life' and 'living'. But the reality is that it is actually an endless repeating cycle that is going nowhere, when the truth is that this time can be spent actually getting to know one another for real. This time can be spent developing real trust, understanding and intimacy in relationships. When we are able to look and not project, but see each other for real, we can develop a true compassion and respect for those closest to us. We can support them and be supported by them, we can be profoundly moved by the reality of others when we go to that place of truly understanding all of them, where they stand and what they are going through. The most effective way I have found to clear up projection is communication. Communication where I either express myself clearly, or, if I am clear within myself, I reach out and ask the other for clarity. Simply explaining self, without blame, projection of ulterior motive, and then asking the other where they stand and what they are/were going through can change ones self-fabricated reality of projection into the real reality we all share, where each one has a perspective and experience unique to them. This does not mean one is either right or wrong, it means taking the responsibility to step up and find out where each one is at, and then move from there instead of moving in the secrecy of one's own mind only. From developing clarity and standing in the actual reality of where each one is at, one can support oneself to clear up the reason and source of the projection one had in the first place. This is what I have lived so far, but where and how will I move forward with the word 'projection' in my life? Re-Defining 'Projection': Within this word I hear the words 'project' and 'shun', where. within projecting we are literally shunning others in our life and world. I will change this to 'project inclusion' as the way I will live this word from now on. This is a full-time living, which is a full-time practice, wherein, when and as I see myself projecting onto others, I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that there is an issue within me that requires my attention and direction. If I don't sort it out, it will eat at me and deteriorate the relationship I have with the person towards whom I am projecting, and I cannot stand for living like that. I take a stand and use my redefinition of the word 'projection' as 'project-inclusion', to share myself and to include the other person's reality into the way I am perceiving the situation. I can do this by stabilizing myself, expressing/explaining/clarifying myself, and/or reaching out to the other for further clarity and understanding. This is a full-time living redefinition, a step in the process toward real self-change, where living this re-definition becomes me and my living, where I become it as my new normal - a process to walk in 2018 and beyond. For more insight into re-defining and living words, check out: Redefining Words with SOUL

Day 222- Cesar

I hear a fumbling at my door, and in bursts a little naked firecracker named Cesar, speaking at the top of his lungs, “HEY KIM! WHAT YOU DOING?”, and before I can answer, “What you doing Kim!? You must plaaaay with me! I WANT that!”. And Cesar will come and lean on my desk, or climb into my lap and put his nose right up to mine, look into my eyes, “what you doooing?”

What a unique childhood Cesar is growing up in, growing into, and co-creating along with all of us here at the Desteni farm, now including myself as well. Sometimes I sit in my room at night and work on the computer, and I can hear snippets of conversations going on outside my door. Leila and Gian discussing challenges they are facing with Cesar, Leila and LJ contemplating parenthood, or Maite and Leila sharing experiences from the day with their children. And I listen in fascination as I am not used to such deep and profound topics, or innocent and vulnerable sharings being discussed so openly by the people I am living with. Nothing is secret here. There are no backroom conversations or guarded whispers nor groups within groups. So, when I hear these pieces of conversation, I am not being privy to some exclusive exchange, I rather feel honoured to have captured a moment of the lives of those I am living with. One such moment included Gian and Leila discussing a challenge they were facing with Cesar. I heard Gian say that their son is a creator, not a destroyer, and so he would treat him as such. I know that Cesar does destroy many things, as most children do, as he is learning the difference between ‘toys’, ‘tools’ and also electronic devices, and how to handle them differently. But when he does this Leila and Gian give him his own devices (like an old laptop), or something similar that he can take apart and learn about how it works. He has even come up with his own inventions, like a mouse that you can use from one side of the room, attached to a computer on the other side of the room. This is how they took what most would label as ‘destructive’, and turned it into nurturing Cesars creative ability. And so I am learning from them, and from Cesar, what it means to raise your child within a certain set of principles, using understanding and re-direction instead of lists of rules and regulations. Which brings me to something I heard Leila say when talking about parenting with LJ. She said “maybe I am as much Cesar’s child as he is mine.” This took the ground right out from under my feet, as I have always seen myself in the role of ‘adult’, ‘teacher’ and ‘the one that knows’. But as soon as I heard her say this, I realized everything Cesar has taught me in the short amount of time I have been here. Cesar is teaching me what it means to be patient with myself. He challenges the fuzzy logic I have lived by for so many years with one simple question: “why?”. I have been learning from Gian and Leila about explaining things in a way that makes sense. Because in reality, everything is quite simple, especially in nature, there is a sound reason for everything. It only gets complicated when you get into the mind-made systems of humanity. Like, try explaining rationally why eye-lash curlers exist, or why do certain pens have decorative bits on them. Cesar is also teaching me about persistence and getting things done. He will not let go of a point until he understands it, and can repeat it back in his own words and understanding. He usually has to hear ‘no’ several times, accompanied by an explanation until he is satisfied and will let the point go, or at least wait till he’s bigger. He can wait and be patient when he understands WHY he must wait – especially since Leila and Gian make a point to live their words, and see through the promises they have made him. There is a trust that when Leila says she will do it later – she will – every time. If not, there is always a valid reason, and then Cesar can decide to throw a tantrum, or understand – either way he will be supported back to stability through the adults around him remaining stable no matter what he throws at us. And that is another thing I am being faced with. Pure, unadulterated self-expression in every moment. One time I was responding to emails, and the internet was not working. My emails wouldn’t send and I couldn’t open my inbox after having restarted my computer. My frustration was growing and becoming unbearable. Cesar walked into my room and just screamed at the top of his lungs. Now, there were no dogs around, no one was sleeping, and the baby was in her room with the door closed. Cesar understands there are times when he needs to be quiet around sensitive ears, or consider others while they sleep. So, when I saw it was a moment where it was ok to be loud, I realized that yes, this was exactly how I was feeling. My frustration was triggered in that moment and it was made clear how much of an effect it was having on my body. So, we screamed together, and I just let it out. And that was it. Cesar just walked away, and I closed my laptop realizing there was nothing more I could do in that moment. I decided instead to do something physical to get out of my head and back into my body – avoiding a whole play out that would have normally led to a migraine and pain in my body. Cesar supported me because when he is feeling something, he brings it here naturally and deals with it as best he can and as he knows how. He does require the support and understanding of adults, where we can give him words to explain what he is going through and find ways with him to direct it. But, the thing that he can do so naturally that I struggle with, is to confront what is going on inside him in the moment. I have learned over the years, how to suppress and push down emotional experiences that I did not know how to direct. In supporting Cesar, or watching Leila, Maite, LJ and Gian support their children, I am learning to support the part of me that still has the need for understanding and direction. There is a part in all of us that is still like a child – one that requires words to express, understanding to navigate, gentleness to learn, support to direct ourselves, listening, hearing, and lots of growing pains. Since I’ve been here at the Desteni farm, I have been spending time with Cesar, and at the same time, getting to know the child within me. This way, we learn together. I get to see the world through his eyes, and he through mine. I am inspired by his maturity, independence, and fearlessness at his young age, and he gets to climb up my legs, tackle me on the bed, and just be Cesar. Happy birthday little C. I'm honoured to be a part of your life!!