Day 47- Wasting Time Cause Life is Hard (Self-Corrective Statements)

Continued from the self-forgiveness statements from yesterday's blog.

When and as I see that I am doing something that is idle, not directive and ‘wasting time,’ I stop, and I breathe. I look at the situation to see and determine what it is I am avoiding or resistant towards, and I DO THAT THING. I breathe and I move myself to do whatever it is I am avoiding, to start it, complete it, or make progress on it, anything to not give into the mind, and anything to make the stand that I AM the directive principle of me.

I commit myself to walk through the patterns of avoidance and resistance that I have lived as me over time, until self-movement becomes who I am.

I commit myself to walking out of the mind and into the physical where I move me within and as breath.

When and as I see that I am participating in something within the definition that it is ‘work’, wherein I am ‘going through the motions’ in order to get it over with so that I can ‘live,’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness as Life, by reminding myself that I am Life in every moment, and that Life is not the experience of being ‘done work and finally able to live,’ but rather a movement as rhythmic as breath as I give myself the breath of life each time I take a breath of the physical substance that is Here.

I commit myself to Live in every moment, whether at work or at play, wherein I commit to walking toward being and becoming a self-honest,self-directive, self-corrective being that Lives as all as one as equal Here.

I commit myself to breathe through the monotony of work within the understanding that any energetic experience is of the mind and can be breathed through, forgiven, corrected. transcended and let go, until I move me as easily as I breathe.

When and as I see that I am trying to ‘get out of work,’ or ‘avoid ‘hard’ work,’ I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness by directing myself to do exactly that which I am avoiding and getting out of, in order that I may apply myself to walk through the resistances I manifest within and as me towards those things, events, activities and or tasks that I defined over time as ‘work’ and ‘hard’ and ‘not Life’ (in order to prove to myself that the definitions I have lived thus far are of the mind, and the emotional energetic experiences and resistances I feel towards them are not real, but onlyself-created iner energetic experiences).

I commit myself to know myself and see/realize/understand when, why and how I create these energetic experiences within and as me which cause me to avoid and run from things, so that I may see them for what they are and walk through them till they no longer affect me.

I commit myself show myself that energy always ends, and to discover what is beyond that.

Day 46- Wasting Time Cause Life is Hard

          It’s interesting to see the difference in my life pre and post Desteni. Before, it was repeating cycles, entertainment and sort of idleness, whereas now it is more a building, self-expansive doing and being. Before, I used to think living is what happened after I got home from work, in my spare time or time off, in which I would usually find ways to entertain myself and pass the time until I had to work again. Now I realize Life happens in every moment, no matter what one is doing. But what I find is that, I still hang on to this idea that “Life happens when work is done,” wherein, I end up waiting to be done things that I consider to be ‘work,’ which can be anything that requires me to apply myself, focus on, direct myself through or concentrate on. I find I’ve been catching myself wasting time in these moments of unawareness, where I have justified it somewhere at some time in my mind as a little ‘break,’ and that this moment is ‘for me.’ It’s totally acceptable and necessary to take breaks and take time for myself throughout the day. What I want to adjust is the proportion of that time, I want it to be directive wherein I make the directive decision to take a break or give myself some time, based on the practical situation, and not because I’m doing something to occupy myself when I should be doing something responsible- because then it’s like taking a break from life, which implies I have defined life as work, instead of defining Life as Life, work as Life, and time for myself as Life. It is all Life when self is Life, thus I see the main point as defining myself as Life and then actually living that definition of Life where Life is who I am as the living word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘waste time,’ in the sense that I have passed time in complete unawareness and entertainment within the justification that I am ‘having a break’ or ‘taking time for myself,’ when I am really avoiding facing/moving me in the moment and up in the mind running through a million random useless thoughts/picture/ideas/perceptions/beliefs/backchats.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Life as ‘that which happens after work,’ instead of realizing that Life is every moment no matter what one is doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define work as not life (work being any time I apply myself, focus on, direct myself through or concentrate on something), instead of realizing that  work is a necessary part of Life, it must take place within one’s Life, and thus as one walks the process to birthing life, one’s work will at the same time become Life as one with self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Life as ‘work’, instead of realizing that Life is as simple as breathing, and anything that makes it seem harder is of the mind, unless of course, one is starving or forced to slave labour etc…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, based on my definition of Life as ‘work,’ tried to escape Life, similar to ‘getting out of work,’ or ‘avoiding hard work,’ wherein I steal little breaks for myself, which is really myself as my mind stealing me from myself, instead of facing me, taking myself back and actually Living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify stealing ‘little breaks’ for myself as my mind, within the definition of ‘Life as work,’ wherein I manipulate myself to think/believe/perceive that I am doing it ‘for myself,’ instead of realizing that I am taking time from myself, and wasting it, thus wasting myself and missing Life and missing myself within self-sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time, avoid me, and dilly-dally within unawareness and indulgence of the mind instead of walking my process toward realizing myself.

To be continued…

Day 45- A Lump in my Breast Part 2

These are self-corrective statements and self-commitments which are tools that I can use to practically guide myself in the moment when I experience the fears/anxieties etc... that I mentioned in my last post wherein I applied self-forgiveness statements to the experience of finding a mass in my breast and the subsequent doctor's visit.

When and as I see that I am pitying myself because of and due to the lump I found in my breast I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that that regardless of what happens, Who I am is constant and consistent within every Here moment as I breathe in every moment, regardless of what happens, and no matter the outcome, this will not change, until I die- which is inevitable, so no matter what, I live and apply me in every moment that I Live Here.

I commit myself to eradicate self-pity from within and as me, because self-pity Is disempowering and is an energetic experience that is not Life and is not who I am.

I commit myself to take my power back from the internal energetic experience of self-pity and instead apply myself Here, as self-directive standing/walking.

When and as I see that I am seeking pity from others in order to validate my own self-pity, I stop, and I breathe. I realize that self-pity is a justification and excuse to give up on myself and feel sorry for myself, making the statement that I am incapable, thus I am giving my power away instead of pushing myself in every moment to breathe, to practice self-honesty, to self-correct and to walk my process.

I commit myself to standing absolute within self-honesty, and within this I commit myself to stop using my environment and manipulating others in my environment as a means to circumvent self-honesty in order to not have to face me.

I commit myself to face myself within self-forgiveness no matter what I have accepted and allowed within myself, because I commit myself to walk the process of taking absolute self-responsibility for/of mysef.

When and as I see that I am growing angry at others due to and because of the way they are behaving or not behaving to/towards me I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within bringing the anger back to self- and realizing that I am only angry at myself, because in wanting them to behave in certain ways- I am wanting them to change the way I experience myself. I am wanting/needing/desiring them to make me feel safe, secure, loved, cared about etc… which only indicates that I’m not doing/being/giving these things to myself already.

I accept and allow myself to be safe and secure within myself, knowing nothing and nobody can harm/take away who I am but me.

I accept and allow myself to love and care for myself unconditionally.

I commit myself to creating  self-stability within and as myself that I can depend on, and I commit myself to walk the process to/towards self-love, self-care, self-nurturing and self-acceptance.

When and as I see that I am occupying my mind with future-based fears/fears in reaction to future projection (such as health), I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to the present moment by reminding myself that it is the only moment that exists. I allow myself to breathe through the fears as a stand in the present moment and ground myself until the fears crumble away into nothingness, which they will, because they are not real. I realize that participating in such thought is abusive to me and causes me harm and thus I stop this pattern within me as it does not serve me.

I commit myself to stopping my participation in future projections and future-based fears in order that I may live in the present, Here, with and as everything and everyone else, equal and one.

DAY 44- A Lump in my Breast

Today I went to the doctor to have her look at a lump in my breast. She obviously couldn’t do much more than direct me to make an appointment at another clinic for an ultrasound, and of course to assure me that it’s probably a cyst or a benign tumor. However, like many human beings who have been in this situation before me, I am confronted by the experience of the possibility of cancer in a more real and imminent way than before I discovered the lump. I don’t feel an experience of fear within me at the thought of an early death or the possibility of cancer and chemo, but I’m going to forgive these future projections anyways because I may be suppressing it, keeping it together and ‘staying strong,’ because what’s the point of reacting in any way, when I don’t know the answer and there’s nothing I can do but wait for it? However, I cried on the way home from the doctor’s office because of the experience of self-pity, but also as a release of stress/anxiety from having to wait three days before actually going to the doctor and getting things moving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself because I found a lump in my breast and now I have to deal with getting it checked out and waiting for results.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire pity from others because I have a lump in my breast.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want people to act differently around me now and then get angry when they act differently and get angry when they don’t act differently instead of realizing that I’m projecting myself on to everyone because I am angry at the existence of cancer and what it does to people and what it could do to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself because of the sad cancer stories I’ve seen in media, television and movies that I have copy and pasted into myself and judged thus creating and manifesting this experience of self-pity and being a victim because I have judged those with cancer in the media, television and movies as sad victims.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a sad victim.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as a sad victim because I found a lump in my breast.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as a sad victim because I found a lump in my breast, instead of standing up within the realization that nothing is different about who I am, and who I am remains the same no matter what changes in my external environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project in to the future about having to undergo chemo and getting sick and not being able to work, and identifying that as a sad yet heroic event because of how I’ve seen it portrayed in movies, on television and in the media.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear chemo treatments and becoming sick and invalid during the treatment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my health and having to depend on others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to depend on others because I judge it as weak and limiting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge receiving assistance and support from others at certain times where that is required, as weak and limiting, instead of realizing and understanding that one must utilize the support within one’s environment when it is required.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having cancer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having manifested cancer for myself because of and due to self-suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger towards the thought of manifesting cancer for myself through self-suppression because I did not understand or realize how to be any other way, instead of taking that anger and bringing it Here, and working with it, as it, toward stopping self-suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear of cancer to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dying young.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I might not be able to survive if I had cancer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my fears of an early death and not surviving cancer into the future and then fear my own projections.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear of death to exist within and as me.

Self-corrective statements to follow.

Day 43 - Overwhelmed by a Stimulating Environment

The experience I’d like to write about today is one of being overwhelmed when I’m in a very stimulating environment. It developed over time within my experience as a waitress at several very fast paced restaurants. Eventually, at one job- due to my acceptance and allowance of my continued participation within and as the experiences of stress, anxiety, overwhelming-ness and panic instead of grounding myself within myself and within the physical, I eventually felt like I couldn’t keep up or work fast enough to keep up with the pace of the place, and I took things really personally when customers would become upset. At one point I started to notice that within all the noise and movement around me, and with my attention being called in a million directions and my mind focusing on what seemed like a million things I had to do with not enough time to ever do them all- I just kind of snapped. I broke out in hives or rash-like redness all over my face and I quit.

I remember the feeling of all of a sudden everything was in slow motion, probably like a panic attack- yes, like a mini panic attack, and ever since then I’ve been more susceptible to such an experience within a stimulating environment. I understand the experience more now, I can tell when it’s going to happen and I now know what to do within the experience, such as take time for myself alone in a quiet place and just breathe through it, remaining present in physical reality because my mind is just buzzing in a million directions- the smae experience I had a waitress.

Now, when I work in a stressful environment, it’s like I can’t handle is as well as I used to. Or, for example today- it was not work or a job that I used to manifest and create this experience within me, but rather a lot of people in my world came together, with children and adults, and the children calling my attention, and adults talking to me as well

I really truly enjoy talking with adults, and playing with and spending time with the kids is one of my favourite things to do ever, but when there are so many and it’s loud and chaotic- it just gets to me now. So- I’m not satisfied with this situation and I’m deciding here to walk through this experience until it is out of my life- beginning here with self-forgiveness statements to let it go and to practically script myself into and as stability.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become over-stimulated and overwhelmed within and as myself when I am in a loud, chaotic and stimulating environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I need to attend to everyone and do everything and if I don’t then I will be perceived as weak and out of control which is what I actually experience within myself when I am feeling panicked within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become panicky/panicked/short of breath/unfocused when I am in a loud and chaotic environment because I feel responsiblt to/for everyone and everything- which I obviously am not.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a panicky experience/panic/shortness of breath and an unfocused experience to exist within and as me, because I feel like I need to be something for everyone, instead of just being myself, grounded within myself and directing myself within and as self-honesty in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself because I react differently to stimulating situations than I used to, due to past experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of being a waitress in a fast-paced environment where I became stressed all the time and began to participate within and as panic attacks, instead of letting the memory go and walking within and as self-trust that I develop as I walk with me in self-honesty Here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into and participate within panic until it overwhelms me to a state of possession, instead of breathing and concentrating on remaining within presence and awareness in the physical, and doing what I can in each moment without expecting myself to constantly be doing more.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to constantly be doing more with my time, within the belief that at some point, I will get it all done, instead of realizing that life isand requires constant and consistent application of self in every breath, and that anything other than constant and consistent application of self is not life, but rather an automated program that I have accepted and allowed to develop within and as me as my mind of autopilot/default mode/lack of self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel that I am responsible for everyone when I am surrounded by people, because of the memories of working in restaurants, where I experienced myself as responsible and accountable to all my tables and customers and the quality of experience, which was somewhat arbitrarily judged by them, and had nothing to do with who I am or how hard I worked. Instead I realize that I am and can only ever be responsible for myself and my own internal experience and experience of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that I need to tend to everyone who calls my attention as soon as they call my attention and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience stress, anxiety and overwhelming=-ness within me if I cannot tend to each person the moment they call my attention.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience stress, anxiety and overwhelming-ness within and as myself when and during social occasions where many people are present because I have the desire to help out, be useful and to prove that I am helpful, willing to help and contribute because I feel guilt about not helping out as much as I should have when I was younger. Also, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to help out because I judge others when they do not chip in, therefor I judge myself and I try/attempt to counteract that self-judgment within and through helping out, but it does not diminish my internal experience of ‘not helping out enough’ because it is coming from a starting point of self-judgment and guilt, which are experiences that can only be stopped with self-forgiveness and stopping my participation within and as them by not feeding them with energy and with my attention.

When and as I see that I’m helping out from a starting point of self-judgment thus creating stress, anxiety and overwhelming-ness within and as me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness by changing my starting point to that of pulling my own weight, chipping in, and giving as I would like to receive. When and as I am moving myself to help out, I make sure my starting point is that of pulling my own weight, chipping in and giving as I would like to receive by surveying what I can practically do in order to help out, without overly asserting myself to help out, but instead doing small things that I am able to do, and that I would want someone to do for me- for example doing the dishes- tidying and clearing the table.

When and as I feel my attention being pulled in a million directions I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into presence by choosing and deciding upon one person/point to focus my attention, and I focus my attention on that one thing, while stopping and taking a moment to direct the situation around me if need be, in order to create for myself a situation where I can focus my attention on that which I have chosen.

I commit myself to walking through chaotic and seemingly overwhelming situations within stability and a sense of self, centered and grounded within myself as my self-directive principle.

I commit myself to continue applying myself within developing the necessary skills to effectively direct myself and my world to a self and a world that assists and support me, so that I may assist and support others and the world as people in my world as equal and one.

Day 42 - Nothing is Looming

This is a continuation of yesterday's self-forgiveness statements on the point of experiencing a feeling of 'looming,' like 'impending doom,' that causes me fear and stress.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the future/my future.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed fear of the future to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project survival-based thoughts into the future and then created and manifested fear of the future based on my own self-created projection of the future.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money in the future or now.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear going into debt/unavoidable debt in the future.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not being in control of the future.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to control the future.

I forgive myself that I’ve NOT accepted and allowed myself to to simply walk in self-trust and self-honesty into the unknown of the future.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that I need to have a set plan for the future in order to be able to function in the present.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a stress/fear/looming experience within and as me because of all the fears I have created about the future, because of my desire to control the future, and because of my belief that I require a set plan in order to experience a stability within and as me in the present.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that how I experience myself right now has got anything to do with the future, instead of realizing that all that exists right now is the present, so any future-based projection that I am reacting to internally in the present moment are only but projections which I create and am entirely responsible for, thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear and stress out over/about my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure within myself, and a looming sensation because my plans for the future changed, and now I have to make new plans.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being entirely self-responsible for myself and my life and the path I choose.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that I can do more more more right now in order to secure my future, instead of realizing that walking within and through life towards stability and self-responsible living which will lead to a stable self that can manage to stabilize within any situation, is a process that takes time and cannot be rushed and cannot all be done now in order to get it over with and then sit back and relax in the future. Instead, I allow myself to relax in the present moment, to take time for myself, but to also apply myself without stress, fear or looming, within the understanding that when and as I take each step within self-honesty and self-responsibility, using the tools of self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, that I am walking towards a stable, whol and complete self that can stand and direct in any situation, without following the unnecessary internal energetic experiences of stress, fear or a looming/impending doom sensation, as these experiences are destructive and do not serve me in anyway, thus I take a step here towards stopping my participation within and as them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to continue to react to old habits and patterns of not taking responsibility and thus constantly experiencing consequences.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to and participate within the memories of having my life be directed by consequences or attempting to avoid consequences.

I accept and allow myself to stop participating in these patterns , and I understand, realize and see that over time they will dissipate and crumble away because they are/were not real and thus I have the power to create AND destroy them by stopping feeding them with my attention as energy and participation.

I commit myself to walking out of the past and in to the present moment bystopping feeding my thoughts and memories of the past as reactions in the present.

When and as I see that I am reacting to past memories, habitsand patterns within and as an energetic emotional or feeling experience within me, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness, back to the present moment by reminding myself that reacting to such past habits, patterns and memories is only keeping them alive to continue directing me and my life, and each time I stop my participation within and as them, I take a little bit more of myself back, in order that I my walk as a complete whole Here.

Day 41 - Something is Looming

I just finished writing my exams and, something I’ve been working on is being able to function without the constant experience of stress when there is something big, like an exam, coming up wherein t feels like this ‘looming.’ It causes me stress and then resistances towards doing the thing because now it seems big and daunting. This is a very familiar recurring pattern in my life which started at quite a young age. Back then, however, I trusted my internal experience as who I am, as what is real and what is truth, in a way. So, when I would experience that resistance to the ‘looming’ thing, I would just avoid it. Consequently, the thing which should have been addressed in the moment builds and builds until it can no longer be ignored, because it has now created consequences which require to be dealt with.

Since Desteni, I have been facing these things, pushing through my resistances towards themand essentially practicing seeing tasks through from beginning to end. The results have been amazing, yet I have not been doing it long enough or consistently enough for it to have fully integrated into my reality. So therefore, when I have things that need to be taken care of, I have this automatic reaction of doom about how it’s going to come back and bite me in the ass later. This reaction is learned, it has been built over time, a loooong time, so I’m going to do some self-forgiveness on the point to hasten the integration. I realize and understand that it will still take time and consistent application, and I’m cool with that, but everything is better directed with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest the fear reaction as an internal experience of stress and ‘looming’ as a reaction to the thoughts and backchat I allow myself to participate within and as when I have what I judge as a large task or obligation to complete.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the internal reactions of fear, stress and ‘looming’ when and as I am about to begin a task to which I experience resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear, stress and the experience of ‘looming’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the experience of looming has nothing to do with the actual task, as I see and realize that once the task is completed, the feeling doesn’t go away, it rather attaches itself to the next thing I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to find things to experience fear, stress and looming about, because of and due to my addiction to fear and stress as negative energetic experiences that I manifest within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to simply let go of the experience that something big and bad is looming in my near future, accompanied by the experience that I am unable to do anything to prevent it.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to fully realize and understand my capabilities, and my ability to direct myself and my world, and that I will do what needs to be done in the moment and the larger the task, the more certain I am that I will do it.

To be continued……..

When and as I see that I am creating a looming experience accompanied by stress and fear, based on future projections, thoughts and backchat I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that the experience is not real and not actually connected to the upcoming event, but rather a self-created manifestation to feed my energetic addiction to fear, stress and anxiety, with which I have had enough. I stop my participation within and as these things because I realize that they do not serve me.

I commit myself to stopping my participation within and as my energetic addiction to fear, stress and anxiety by stopping myself when and as I see that I am participating in the experience of a ‘looming’ within me, by breathing through the experience till the energy runs out, and then doing something practical/responsible in the moment within self-direction.

I commit myself to directing myself through any and all energetic experiences, that I ma push through and direct me no matter what.

I commit myself to rid myself of fear, stress and anxiety so that I may be the self-directive principle that directs myself to be one part in bringing about a world that’s best for all.