Kim's Journey to Life

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Day 123- Controlling Self in the Face of Many Temptations

This blog is continued from my last blog and it is a part of this series:

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies
Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)
Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)
Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)
Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)
Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7)
Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)
Day117- Imagine School Were That Easy (Fully Committing to my Studies pt 9)
Day 118- Learning How To Learn
Day119- Equality as a Student
Day121- Calming the Waves of Frustration
Day 122- I Am No Match For ME

In italics are the paragraphs from my last blog, which I will be deconstructing with self-forgiveness:

I made an analogy of ‘my own defiance’ feeling like being confronted by a defiant child and feeling helpless because one cannot ‘force’ a child to do anything if the child so chooses to set its mind upon being defiant. I related that the inability to do anything about that situation was due to potential consequences. What I was referring to was situation where adults become so frustrated with the child that they will use physical force/violence, or violent words/reaction such as getting angry and yelling- both approaches would normally have negative impacts on both adult and child, which were the negative consequences I was talking about in my last blog.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to behave defiantly within and towards myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defy myself and fall in the face of my own defiance because of the fear of negative consequence of myself throwing an internal tantrum because I’m not ‘getting my way’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with myself for doing something that I am in complete control of, within the belief that I am helpless to change it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated when I set myself to study or do homework, because I have the tendency to ‘take it easy’ on myself and let myself get away with not focusing, becoming distracted taking long breaks- spending more time taking breaks than doing the actual work, instead of breathing and taking self-directed breaks, which I had scripted for myself to correct. There are no more excuses.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose avoiding my own inner tantrum rather than forcing myself to study, thus choosing self-compromise over self-expansion. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not honour myself as Life.

Bringing it back to self:
When I am defiant within and towards myself it is due to the fact that I am experiencing something that I fear giving up. When I am doing my studies, it requires focus and concentration. This has been quite a challenge for me, causing great frustration. So what do I fear giving up? And because behind every fear there is self-interest, as self is protecting self, what it the self-interest within/as this fear?
Fear of losing: Escape, the ability to ‘relax’ (which really means laziness), the control of my mind to pursue likes and avoid dislikes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to choose self-compromise over self-support because I fear losing my ability to escape from myself, my emotions and feelings, and the world, by completely letting go of my self-directive principle, and instead allowing myself to follow my mind into distractions, detours, ‘treading water’ as time, and basically not doing anything supportive/constructive for myself in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not support myself by pushing myself to do the things I want to do like study and do research, but rather to, in moments of resistance, just ‘relax’ by pissing my time away being lazy and not doing anything except watching television and hanging out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT push myself through the resistances I experience, because I fear giving up my ability to relax whenever I want for as long as I want, especially when I have seen the consequences of this, which is that it perpetuates itself, and I end up eating and craving crappy food, I get fat, I withdraw from activities, and I end up feeling worse for longer instead of just pushing through the resistances when they come up and dealing with that in one moment, like a bandage: quick and painful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to NOT realize that dealing with resistances in the moment may seem painful, but not dealing with them, and instead succumbing to them creates way more pain and suffering in my life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone consequences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive that pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ is any kind of way to live, especially considering I don’t even understand why I like certain things over others, and also because the things I like are usually the things that are the worst for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that life is about pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that there is only self-interest in that, there is no principle of equality and oneness within each individual pursuing their ‘likes’ and avoiding their ‘dislikes’, there is no consideration for the effect one’s life is having upon another within this, there is only the consequence of the world we see today: each man for himself, pursue money and indulgance, and avoid suffering and poverty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize and understand that pursuing ‘likes’ and avoiding ‘dislikes’ lacks any kind of process of self-understanding, nor does it involve the understanding that sorting out problems and taking responsibility is something most all people will not ‘like’ doing, within themselves or the world. Therefore, when we live to only experience our ‘likes’, we condemn ourselves and generations to come to a world deprived of any real life or living, only a world of war as each fights for their own lives/likes.

To be continued….

To learn these self-supportive writing tools visit: DIP LITE

Day 122- I Am No Match For ME

This blog is part of a series of blogs (listed at the end) within which I am untangling the patterns and habits I had created and manifested within and as myself that cause me to have problems at school, studying and taking responsibility for myself in these ways. It’s interesting because although these blogs stemmed from the issues I experience while studying, they truly branch out, reveal and expose general habits and patterns that play out in many other areas, including touching on global problems. In this way it is demonstrated how the macro (global systems) indeed exists within the micro (the individual), and the without reflects the within.

In my last blog post I was dealing with frustration. I described how waves of frustration will pass over me, and I summed up the elements of this experience as:
Lack of discipline which causes frustration caused by lack of self-movement due to helplessness in the face of my own defiance.

I made an analogy of ‘my own defiance’ feelinglike being confrontedby a defiant childand feeling helpless because one cannot ‘force’ a child to do anything if the child so chooses to set its mind upon being defiant. I related that the inability to do anything about that situation was due to potential consequences. What I was referring to was situation where adults become so frustrated with the child that they will use physical force/violence, or violent words/reaction such as getting angryand yelling- both approaches would normally have negative impacts on both adult and child, which were the negative consequences I was talking about in my last blog.

Bringing it back to self:

When I am defiant within and towards myself it is due to the fact that I am experiencing something that I fear giving up. When I am doing my studies, it requires focus and concentration. This has been quite a challenge for me, causing great frustration. So what do I fear giving up? And because behind every fear there is self-interest, as self is protecting self, what it the self-interest within/as this fear?

Fear of losing: Escape, the ability to ‘relax’ (which really means laziness), the

control of my mind to pursue likes and avoid dislikes.

The self-interest inherent within all these things is giving up my time, as in “’my’ time”: The time that I take just for ‘me’ to do whatever ‘I’ want. But really, this is not true: it’s not what I want. What I (as the directive principle of me) want is to do my studies, to push myself to do the best I am able, to be able to direct myself to do something without losing an internal battle. So what is this ‘I’ that wants only to be lazy, to pursue ‘likes’ and avoid ‘dislikes’ according to some system of judgment about what is ‘likeable’ and what is ‘unlikeable’- a system of judgment of ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ that actually diminishes me in so many ways, least of all is my grades- and a system of judgment that I have no recollection of creating, yet one that rules my life in so many ways? It is me. But it is not myself as life; it is myself as a very programmable mind which I have been programming in unawareness my whole life. Within and during this unawareness, my mind has run rampant with creating and directing me, to the point where I do not even really recognize myself.

It’s interesting because when I’m really honest with myself, I can see that the perception I have of myself is different than who I really am. This is obvious as I take at look back at my day every night, consider all the things I had set out to do (intention), and then seeing the things I had actually done. But who I Am does not exist within intention, who I really am as living actions is something different from my intentions. The actions that I actually live out are what are relevant, because that is the living expression of me and my participation in this world, as it is for all of us. THAT is what counts. So it’s quite a wakeup call when I see that my living expression/participation in this world is not even under my own control, as I set out to do things that I don’t end up doing, or I end up doing less well than I am able, thus putting up with a sub-standard version of myself. THAT is unacceptable.

I react to this in frustration, but that is only yet another way to just let it keep happening. Because within that frustration exists statements like “this is just impossible,” “I can’t do this,” and “I give up” etc... thus really just making myself miserable because I’m accepting and allowing myself to continue by just giving up on myself, and not taking my power back nor directing myself within self-discipline.

I will continue with self-forgiveness within my next blog, by taking apart each paragraph to reveal what is still hidden within the words, so that I can correct myself in writing, and live that correction into my actions.

To learn these self-supportive writing tools visit: DIP LITE

For the entire series:

Day 106- I Just Go Crazy

Day 107- Getting Out of the Work

Day 108- Just Doing the Damn Work

Day 109- Fully Committing to Studies

Day 110- Fully Committing to My Studies (pt. 2)

Day 111- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt. 3)

Day 112- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 4)

Day 113- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 5)

Day 115- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 7)

Day 116- Fully Committing to my Studies (pt 8)

Day117- Imagine School Were That Easy (Fully Committing to my Studies pt 9)

Day 118- Learning How To Learn

Day119- Equality as a Student

Day121- Calming the Waves of Frustration

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Day 121- Calming the Waves of Frustration

This blog is continued from a short series listed at the end of this blog.

Frustration:

Frustration passes over me like waves, wherein, everything of and as me wants to be doing something, but I still can’t seem to move myself as the directive principle of myself. It’s like this utter defiance and stubbornness, as a voice saying “I’m not going to do it, and you can’t make me”, which sounds to me like a rebellious and stubborn child. Obviously I CAN make me do it, but it’s like there’s this threat looming, as in the example of a child being defiant, wherein, you become so infuriated by the child, but you have to remain calm and not snap in any way because then there could be consequences toward the child. So it turns into this helplessness. This helplessness I experience within myself is a result of feeling as though I can’t ‘force’ myself to do something, as one would feel helpless when trying to ‘force’ a child to do as they’re told. The difference is that the helplessness one experiences with the child is because the child is another being, and can’t be forced physically or psychically to do something, such as clean up after himself, nor can he be forced to understand why this would be necessary. If the child so chooses to ignore the reasons, there’s not much that can be done save explanations. However, there is no separate entity within myself. So, in a way, I stand as a child within myself, and also a parent, wherein I need to be the disciplinarian, and the disciplined.

Points I am dealing with:
Frustration
Defiance
Helplessness
Discipline
Self-movement

Lack of discipline which causes frustration caused by lack of self-movement due to helplessness in the face of my own defiance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to act out in defiance towards myself when and as I push myself to move myself to do things that I would normally avoid, postpone, and not do, because I have judged the thing as bad/boring/un-enjoyable, and because I have never before really challenged myself to push myself through the resistences toward doing things with the same focus and intensity as things I enjoy doing.

I see, realize and understand that, it’s not that I have to enjoy the thing, but rather to simply do it without judging it, because it is within that judgment that the internal energetic experience of bad/boring/un-enjoyable is created, when it can instead ‘just be’ a task that I do.

I commit myself to stop judging those tasks in life that I must simply do, by stopping and withdrawing my participation within/as the thoughts that come up when/as I am doing the task.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remember that I have seen within and through experience that it is quite possible to change a judgment about something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remember only the fact that I had previously entertained an internal act of defiance as a tantrum, with the attempt of the justification of the internal conversation/voice/backchat saying: “but schoolwork IS boring, it really IS in HARD and un-enjoyable in actuality, and I can’t just CHANGE that?!”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to IGNORE the fact that I CAN ‘just change that’, by diligently stopping the judgmental thoughts that come up, within an understanding of WHY it is they’re coming up (I judge things as ‘hard’, ‘un-enjoyable’, ‘boring’, etc… such as things that challenge my mind and my current understanding of things. I judge things that push me to slow down and understand things. I judge things that bring me out of my mind and into physical reality, such as sitting down and doing schoolwork instead of watching TV or shopping or some other mindless, entertaining distraction).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore the fact that this judgment is not necessary, and it is not a life sentence! I see, realize and understand that it is a choice that I can and must make in each moment: whether I am going to entertain the judgments, thus creating a hell for myself within painfully struggling through my homework, and procrastinating and stressing out about it… OR, I can choose to practice my diligence and discipline, and pay attention to my thoughts, stop myself from participating in those that are judgments towards the work, breathe through them within an understanding of what and why they are there, and choose to instead remain present, and continue on with my work without such thoughts, until it 'just is'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to IGNORE the fact that I have seen for myself that it is possible to change my judgment towards something, and thus my ‘experience’ towards that something, form an energetic internal experience of ‘dread’ and ‘not wanting to’ do it, to a simple breath by breath application of

Who I Am, as Who I Decide to be within and as my work, wherein I can choose to stand one and equal to the work, no judgments, just me moving myself through the work step by step as necessary. And so:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself as unable and incapable of

changing my experience of myself towards the work I have to do, and thus then avoid/procrastinate/dread doing it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can simply walk step by step and apply myself moment to moment and make the self-directed choice to be diligent and disciplined with my thoughts and thus simply do the work as me: no reactions, no movement within me, almost even at times some enjoyment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into or entertain this act of defiance by blindly accepting it as who I am and how I’m limited, instead of looking at it for what it is: a simple judgment due to a resistance to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so blind as to claim to not even understand, see or realize what I am in fact busy with within myself as my mind when I experience these resistances: It is pure laziness, lack of discipline and lack of diligence due to me never having pushed myself to develop these practical skills within myself towards myself as my mind before.

I commit myself to developing the practical skills of discipline and diligence within myself towards myself as my mind by patiently pushing myself through these resistances, within and understanding of what they are, over and over again until it is Who I Am.

I see, realize and understand that change does not magically happen overnight, and that it requires pushing myself through resistances over and over again, over time and through different situations and experiences and in awareness, because I developed the lack of these skills by giving up on myself, over and over again, over time and through different situations and experiences in unawareness.

To be continued…

To learn these self-supportive writting tools visit: DIP LITE