Day 34- Playing Roles for Others Instead of Expressing Myself (part deux)

          I wanted to address something I wrote yesterday in which I see self-dishonesty or abdication. The quote is: “the more I care about them, the more I play the role.” This quote is stating that, if I care about people, I play a role around them. Since playing a role around others has more to do with self-perception, as I discovered/exposed/expressed in my last post, then it can’t really have to do with actually caring for the other. When I say ‘caring’ I mean REAL caring, as in, considering the other for who they really are, and not putting up with less than they are, within myself or within them, thus treating them within equality and oneness with and as myself. Thus, REALLY caring for someone does not imply deceiving them with role-play, that is in fact like the opposite of caring for them.

            So, what this reveals to me is that it’s not really about caring, but rather about who I have defined myself as in relation to them, and how much of myself have I given away to them within and through these self-definitions. So much so that I feel a strong need or desire to keep it up,’ and not change in their eyes to not ‘let them down,’ because I’ve constantly built myself up in order to be ‘more’ and appear as ‘more’ than I am. Behind all this is, of course, the belief that I am not enough as I am.

            Within all of this I remember the principle that I can’t do for another that which I have not yet done for myself. So, I cannot truly care for/about another until I truly care for myself, which I obviously don’t yet because I’m still holding onto this belief that ‘I am not enough’ or I am ‘not good enough’ as I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that caring for another involves playing a role for them instead of realizing that I am only playing the role in self-interest, to ‘keep up appearances’ in order to maintain my self-image.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to maintain a delusional self-image of myself as ‘happy’, ‘mature,’ ‘responsible,’ ‘together,’ ‘normal,’ and ‘fun,’ by playing these roles for others, instead of realizing that I am participating in the polarity experiences within and through self-judgment in my secret mind, and trying to make up for it by playing out the polarity within and as ‘roles’ for others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define ‘caring’ for another as valuing their opinion of me, which leads me to try to manipulate their opinion of me instead of realizing that real caring involves me caring for myself, and then the other as me within oneness and equality and thus, not accepting or allowing anything less within either of us.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have ever actually cared for/about anyone really, instead of realizing that unless I care for/about me, I am unable to care about anyone else as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to stop playing roles and instead to express myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to stop playing roles for fear that others will see the ‘true me.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others seeing the ‘true me’ because I think/believe that all my self-judgment will be realized, and people will see that I am everything I fear being, and everything I have judged others for.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to build, create and generate an absolute mind prison for myself, wherein I am deep down within myself under all the layers, and due to and because of all the judgment I have participated within and as, I have suppressed myself in fear- fear that others would judge me the way I have judged, instead of stopping my participation in judgment within the realization that the only judgment is self-judgment.

I forgive myself for judging myself so extensively.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self-judgment to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others realizing my self-judgment, when the only one it really affects/matters to is me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to observe in my environment, in others or in the media, in magazines and on televisions, people/personalities which I judge as ‘good’ and ‘desirable,’ and then try/attempt to emulate/embody/integrate/program them into and as me, so that I may be ‘like that’ because I have judge ‘that’ as better than me, instead of realizing that I am me, whole, here, equal to and one with everything that is here with and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to be anything else than who/what I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that my internal experience is the worst possible thing, and that being anything other than me would be an improvement/feel better/be more endurable than what I currently experience within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to long to be ‘someone else,’ as if, if I ‘were that,’ or if I ‘had that,’ then I would feel better, my life would improve, my experience would be bearable, instead of realizing that there is no magic solution such as wishing I were someone/something other than what I am, and that is just a comforting thought that I use when I realize that the only way through is to face me and stand up from within my worst disgrace in order to change me to be/become someone I can live within and as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight and resist facing me and standing up from within my worst, instead of simply taking a breath and walking within the realization that this is the only way through, there is no escape from self, resisting and procrastinating only prolongs this process, and one step at a time with constand and consistant application is the only pace possible.

Within my self-forgiveness thus far, I see/realize/understand that it always comes back to process. I started off with role playing for others, and the main point within this is fear of facing self, because I utilize the roles to not have to face me, or face what others reflect back to me. Within role playing, the status quo is maintained and no feathers become ruffled, so there is also a fear of conflict in there, which is a fear of standing as and speaking as me, as self. I have written out this point within the posts “Anger Reactions,” “Stopping My Reactions to Disagreements-Learningto Live as Equals,”  and “Survival of theFittest Ego,” – all of which I have just re-read to remind myself of the self-realizations I have made thus far, and the self-corrective applications I have written as self-support, to guide me through what/how it is to Live and walk my process without a ‘script’ or ‘role’ to play.

When and as I see myself going into roles in order to please myself and keep the peace, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness by reminding myself that I am not these roles I play, and that Who I Am is and can only be determined in the moment, in each moment in self-honesty. I remind myself to breathe and remainin awareness, and to take the situation one breath at a time I self-honesty.

I commit myself to stp keeping the peace and avoiding conflict, and to instead live me Here, breath by breathin self-honesty.

I commit myself to myself as self-care, wherein I develop self-care within and though practicing self-honesty as what I require to do/be/become/walk through in order to care for me. I allow myself to care for myself as I do/become/walk so that I may prove myself as self-care, so that I may care for others as me.

I commit myself to face myself, and to push through that which is unpleasant, uncomfortable, unbearable and disgraceful.