Monday, June 18, 2012

Day 41 - Something is Looming

I just finished writing my exams and, something I’ve been working on is being able to function without the constant experience of stress when there is something big, like an exam, coming up wherein t feels like this ‘looming.’ It causes me stress and then resistances towards doing the thing because now it seems big and daunting. This is a very familiar recurring pattern in my life which started at quite a young age. Back then, however, I trusted my internal experience as who I am, as what is real and what is truth, in a way. So, when I would experience that resistance to the ‘looming’ thing, I would just avoid it. Consequently, the thing which should have been addressed in the moment builds and builds until it can no longer be ignored, because it has now created consequences which require to be dealt with.

Since Desteni, I have been facing these things, pushing through my resistances towards themand essentially practicing seeing tasks through from beginning to end. The results have been amazing, yet I have not been doing it long enough or consistently enough for it to have fully integrated into my reality. So therefore, when I have things that need to be taken care of, I have this automatic reaction of doom about how it’s going to come back and bite me in the ass later. This reaction is learned, it has been built over time, a loooong time, so I’m going to do some self-forgiveness on the point to hasten the integration. I realize and understand that it will still take time and consistent application, and I’m cool with that, but everything is better directed with self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest the fear reaction as an internal experience of stress and ‘looming’ as a reaction to the thoughts and backchat I allow myself to participate within and as when I have what I judge as a large task or obligation to complete.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the internal reactions of fear, stress and ‘looming’ when and as I am about to begin a task to which I experience resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear, stress and the experience of ‘looming’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the experience of looming has nothing to do with the actual task, as I see and realize that once the task is completed, the feeling doesn’t go away, it rather attaches itself to the next thing I have to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to find things to experience fear, stress and looming about, because of and due to my addiction to fear and stress as negative energetic experiences that I manifest within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to simply let go of the experience that something big and bad is looming in my near future, accompanied by the experience that I am unable to do anything to prevent it.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to fully realize and understand my capabilities, and my ability to direct myself and my world, and that I will do what needs to be done in the moment and the larger the task, the more certain I am that I will do it.

To be continued……..

When and as I see that I am creating a looming experience accompanied by stress and fear, based on future projections, thoughts and backchat I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that the experience is not real and not actually connected to the upcoming event, but rather a self-created manifestation to feed my energetic addiction to fear, stress and anxiety, with which I have had enough. I stop my participation within and as these things because I realize that they do not serve me.

I commit myself to stopping my participation within and as my energetic addiction to fear, stress and anxiety by stopping myself when and as I see that I am participating in the experience of a ‘looming’ within me, by breathing through the experience till the energy runs out, and then doing something practical/responsible in the moment within self-direction.

I commit myself to directing myself through any and all energetic experiences, that I ma push through and direct me no matter what.

I commit myself to rid myself of fear, stress and anxiety so that I may be the self-directive principle that directs myself to be one part in bringing about a world that’s best for all.

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