Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Day 39- Here With Breath

Here with Breath

I’ve been finding my mind chatter incessant lately- many thoughts of a future that’s brighter than my current situation.. My current situation hit a certain level of shittiness because of timing and circumstance, but it is a necessary shittiness that had to happen in order for me to take my next steps. However, within this shittiness I’ve found it difficult to remain within presence and awareness because it’s so easy to make myself feel better by simply projecting into a brighter future by fantasizing about all sorts of stuff. However, because this creates a positive energetic experience, inevitably the opposite will manifest, so at other points in time my mind is bringing me into panic and fear about what could happen, how things can go horribly wrong and all the things other people might be thinking and feeling. This tendency to participate in positive projections a(nd thus experience negative ones as a result) played out a lot throughout my life as an escape and a coping mechanism, and I’ve become pretty fed up with it. Not only does it cause lack of presence and awareness, but also lack of self-movement in the moment, lack of focus… the negative side brings stress and anxiety. Because the two are inseparable, they have both got to go.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape my current situation by fantasizing into a future that’s better than this Here moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize and imagine a different life where I experience the perfect relationship in a different city  wherein I feel confident, ‘happy,’ and completely self-accepting, instead of looking at how I actually experience myself righ now because I realize that I have to move myself fom right here and right now in order to get anywhere. So if I don’t start from right here, I’ll never get anywhere and never change, and if I only fantasize about the future whilst I stagnate in the present, I will only remain exactly in this spot.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project in to the future and fantasize about being on my own, completely independent, wherein, in the fantasy I don’t have any of the ‘problems’ or ‘issues’ I deal with within myself presently, but within this again I realize that nothing will ever change until I ground myself Here and walk from this moment, this current reality that I am and exist as.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to also lose myself within the polar opposite negative thought projections, wherein I think about being harmed in those different places, failing my exams, not getting a job, hurting people, causing people jealousy, being hurt or jealous myself, feeling like a burden, instead of stopping and realizing that, no matter what I think, it’s not going to change my reality. The only thing that will change is me actually physically doing practical things in my life and reality, and the only place and time and space within which I can do anything is right Here, but if I’m up in the mind thinking, worrying and stressing then I am taking myself away from Here, causing myself to be distracted, stressed, worried etc… thus making me less effective in my life, thus actually disempowering myself from doing what it is I plan to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to experience Hereness when my current situation is less than ideal, instead of realizing that I need to stand within any situation, as I cannot escape myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to escape myself and my current situation because it is nt a ‘positive’ experience.

When and as I see myself getting lost within my mind as entertainment, taking me away from Here, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back Here within the understanding that being and remaining Here takes practice and diligence, and each time a give in to the mind I am making it a little harder for myself to remain Here with/as breath. So each time I find myself participating within the negatice, neutral and positive energetic thoughts, projections and fantasies I simply stop and breath it away until the energy is gone and only I remain.

I commit myself to continuously apply myself to bring myself back Here and to remain Here until I am Here in fact.

I commit myself to see through and stop the positive, negative and neutrally charged thoughts that keep me from being Here with breath.

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