The experience I’d like to write
about today is one of being overwhelmed when I’m in a very stimulating
environment. It developed over time within my experience as a waitress at several
very fast paced restaurants. Eventually, at one job- due to my acceptance and
allowance of my continued participation within and as the experiences of
stress, anxiety, overwhelming-ness and panic instead of grounding myself within
myself and within the physical, I eventually felt like I couldn’t keep up or
work fast enough to keep up with the pace of the place, and I took things
really personally when customers would become upset. At one point I started to
notice that within all the noise and movement around me, and with my attention
being called in a million directions and my mind focusing on what seemed like a
million things I had to do with not enough time to ever do them all- I just
kind of snapped. I broke out in hives or rash-like redness all over my face and
I quit.
I remember the feeling of all of a sudden
everything was in slow motion, probably like a panic attack- yes, like a mini
panic attack, and ever since then I’ve been more susceptible to such an
experience within a stimulating environment. I understand the experience more
now, I can tell when it’s going to happen and I now know what to do within the
experience, such as take time for myself alone in a quiet place and just
breathe through it, remaining present in physical reality because my mind is
just buzzing in a million directions- the smae experience I had a waitress.
Now, when I work in a stressful
environment, it’s like I can’t handle is as well as I used to. Or, for example
today- it was not work or a job that I used to manifest and create this
experience within me, but rather a lot of people in my world came together,
with children and adults, and the children calling my attention, and adults
talking to me as well
I really truly enjoy talking with
adults, and playing with and spending time with the kids is one of my favourite
things to do ever, but when there are so many and it’s loud and chaotic- it
just gets to me now. So- I’m not satisfied with this situation and I’m deciding
here to walk through this experience until it is out of my life- beginning here
with self-forgiveness statements to let it go and to practically script myself
into and as stability.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become
over-stimulated and overwhelmed within and as myself when I am in a loud,
chaotic and stimulating environment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think,
believe or perceive that I need to attend to everyone and do everything and if
I don’t then I will be perceived as weak and out of control which is what I
actually experience within myself when I am feeling panicked within me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
be/become panicky/panicked/short of breath/unfocused when I am in a loud and
chaotic environment because I feel responsiblt to/for everyone and everything-
which I obviously am not.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a panicky
experience/panic/shortness of breath and an unfocused experience to exist within
and as me, because I feel like I need to be something for everyone, instead of
just being myself, grounded within myself and directing myself within and as
self-honesty in the moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge
myself because I react differently to stimulating situations than I used to,
due to past experiences.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold
onto the memory of being a waitress in a fast-paced environment where I became
stressed all the time and began to participate within and as panic attacks,
instead of letting the memory go and walking within and as self-trust that I
develop as I walk with me in self-honesty Here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give
into and participate within panic until it overwhelms me to a state of possession,
instead of breathing and concentrating on remaining within presence and
awareness in the physical, and doing what I can in each moment without
expecting myself to constantly be doing more.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
want/need/desire to constantly be doing more with my time, within the belief
that at some point, I will get it all done, instead of realizing that life isand requires constant and consistent application of self in every breath, and
that anything other than constant and consistent application of self is not
life, but rather an automated program that I have accepted and allowed to
develop within and as me as my mind of autopilot/default mode/lack of
self-responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel
that I am responsible for everyone when I am surrounded by people, because of
the memories of working in restaurants, where I experienced myself as
responsible and accountable to all my tables and customers and the quality of
experience, which was somewhat arbitrarily judged by them, and had nothing to
do with who I am or how hard I worked. Instead I realize that I am and can only ever be responsible for myself and my own internal experience and experience of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think,
believe or perceive that I need to tend to everyone who calls my attention as
soon as they call my attention and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing
myself to experience stress, anxiety and overwhelming=-ness within me if I
cannot tend to each person the moment they call my attention.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
experience stress, anxiety and overwhelming-ness within and as myself when and
during social occasions where many people are present because I have the desire
to help out, be useful and to prove that I am helpful, willing to help and
contribute because I feel guilt about not helping out as much as I should have
when I was younger. Also, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to
want/need/desire to help out because I judge others when they do not chip in,
therefor I judge myself and I try/attempt to counteract that self-judgment
within and through helping out, but it does not diminish my internal experience
of ‘not helping out enough’ because it is coming from a starting point of
self-judgment and guilt, which are experiences that can only be stopped with
self-forgiveness and stopping my participation within and as them by not
feeding them with energy and with my attention.
When and as I see that I’m helping out from a starting point
of self-judgment thus creating stress, anxiety and overwhelming-ness within and
as me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness by changing my
starting point to that of pulling my own weight, chipping in, and giving as I would
like to receive. When and as I am moving myself to help out, I make sure my
starting point is that of pulling my own weight, chipping in and giving as I would
like to receive by surveying what I can practically do in order to help out,
without overly asserting myself to help out, but instead doing small things
that I am able to do, and that I would want someone to do for me- for example doing
the dishes- tidying and clearing the table.
When and as I feel my attention being
pulled in a million directions I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into
presence by choosing and deciding upon one person/point to focus my attention,
and I focus my attention on that one thing, while stopping and taking a moment
to direct the situation around me if need be, in order to create for myself a
situation where I can focus my attention on that which I have chosen.
I commit myself to walking through chaotic and seemingly
overwhelming situations within stability and a sense of self, centered and
grounded within myself as my self-directive principle.
I commit myself to continue applying myself within developing
the necessary skills to effectively direct myself and my world to a self and a
world that assists and support me, so that I may assist and support others and
the world as people in my world as equal and one.
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