Day 50- Sharing Too Much of the Wrong Thing

            A pattern I have observed myself participating within is the tendency to share too much of the wrong thing. What I mean by this is that I try/attempt to share myself, my experience etc…. with others in such a way where I am actually subtly trying to manipulate how they perceive me within the information I choose to share. The question I came to ask myself when I finally saw this was: Why? The answer I was able to provide for myself was that of fear. Because I fear the way people perceive me, I attempt to manipulate the way they see me. The reason why I would fear this is because I have placed my own self-perception and self-judgment within how I see myself reflected back to me through others. So, if someone were to react towards me within absolute disgust, in my mind I would be devastated because then I would perceive myself to be disgusting. The ironic part within all of this is that, generally, when such instances do come up where another displays judgments or reactions towards me, I am able to stand up from within them and take my power back and not ‘fall for’ the old tricks of the mind of abdication of self-responsibility through giving myself as my power away in such a way by placing it outside of myself. So I can see that this is a mind-based fear that exist more in my mind and as projections than in actual reality, wherein, if such a situation was to arise, I would not allow myself to be as affected by it because I would see it for what it was in fact, which I have proven to myself that I am capable of doing. However, there are still certain people and certain reactions/events that ‘get to me,’ where the reaction is intense enough that it still seems ‘real,’ instead of me realizing that the reaction is not ‘real’ nor who I am, but rather a mind/power/ego game where I am not facing those parts of me that I have, in a way, given away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself as those parts of me that I have given away to sources outside myself, such as judgments about who I am and how I direct my life, and judgments about who I am in terms of a girl who shares the innermost depths of her mind online for all to see, wherein I try/attempt to appear ‘normal’ to those around me for fear that they may judge me for what I reveal without considering what goes on within their own minds that they are not taking responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my words as an expression of myself from the starting point of the above mentioned fear, and used my words from the starting point of fear of judgment, in order to act on that fear by trying to avoid it through trying and attempting to manipulate others in my environment to not see me/judge me/perceive me the way I fear to be seen/judged/perceived.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try/attempt to paint a picture of myself as who I am or how I would like to be perceived, when I have not yet explored, discovered and uncovered all of who I am with/as/for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I know who I am, and then try/attempt to prove that through expressing how I would like others to perceive me, instead of standing up within self-trust and self-expression in the moment, expressing myself as who I am in the moment without the influence of the mind or fear, thus actually discovering myself in each moment as I express me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to freely express me within self-honesty in the moment because I haven’t stood up to the fears existent within me, and have instead allowed those fears to be an expression of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express fear as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away by accepting and allowing others to judge me and define me because instead of discovering who I am in each moment through self-honest self-expression, I have up till now only seen me within and through the reactions/reflections of others and accept it to be who I am. Till here no further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-honest self-expression in the moment, within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself as who I will be without fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others without knowing them for who they really are, because when and as I judge another, I am actually accepting and allowing the behavior within myself, thus making the statement that I accept and allow it within others. Therefore, if I stop, then I will no longer be influenced by the fear of judgment from others, because I will cease to participate in making it real, which it is not.

I commit myself to taking myself back by no longer accepting and allowing myself to continue to give my power away to others outside myself.

I commit myself to stop living as an expression of fear, by stopping myself from speaking/acting/moving me from a starting point of fear.

I commit myself to develop self-honest self-expression in the moment in order that I may truly get to know myself for the first time.

When and as I see that I am speaking from a starting point of fear, indicated by the fact that I am speaking to others in such a way as to influence their perception of me, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into awareness within the realization that the only way that I can emerge as a self-directive, self-honest being that is not fear-based, is by stopping my participation within speaking me from a starting point of fear. I stop, and I breathe, and I realize that it is better to not speak at all, than to speak words self-dishonestly, such as words and information that come from a starting point of fearing what others may think of me, and wanting/needing/desiring them to see me as I would like to be seen, instead of getting to know myself for real.

I commit myself to stop sharing myself self-dishonestly, because I see that it is self-sabotage and keeps me trapped within cycles of judgment, fear and self-judgment.

I commit myself to stopping sharing too much of myself, withoutreally knowing myself in my entirety.

I commit myself to remaining stable within the reality that people are going to think what they want about me, and I commit myself to breathe through the fear of judgment of others, until it no longer influences me.