It’s interesting to see the difference in my life pre and
post Desteni. Before, it was repeating cycles, entertainment and sort of
idleness, whereas now it is more a building, self-expansive doing and being.
Before, I used to think living is what happened after I got home from work, in
my spare time or time off, in which I would usually find ways to entertain
myself and pass the time until I had to work again. Now I realize Life happens in
every moment, no matter what one is doing. But what I find is that, I still
hang on to this idea that “Life happens when work is done,” wherein, I end up
waiting to be done things that I consider to be ‘work,’ which can be anything
that requires me to apply myself, focus on, direct myself through or concentrate
on. I find I’ve been catching myself wasting time in these moments of
unawareness, where I have justified it somewhere at some time in my mind as a
little ‘break,’ and that this moment is ‘for me.’ It’s totally acceptable and
necessary to take breaks and take time for myself throughout the day. What I
want to adjust is the proportion of that time, I want it to be directive
wherein I make the directive decision to take a break or give myself some time,
based on the practical situation, and not because I’m doing something to occupy
myself when I should be doing something responsible- because then it’s like
taking a break from life, which implies I have defined life as work, instead of
defining Life as Life, work as Life, and time for myself as Life. It is all Life
when self is Life, thus I see the main point as defining myself as Life and
then actually living that definition of Life where Life is who I am as the
living word.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘waste
time,’ in the sense that I have passed time in complete unawareness and
entertainment within the justification that I am ‘having a break’ or ‘taking
time for myself,’ when I am really avoiding facing/moving me in the moment and
up in the mind running through a million random useless thoughts/picture/ideas/perceptions/beliefs/backchats.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
define Life as ‘that which happens after work,’ instead of realizing that Life
is every moment no matter what one is doing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
define work as not life (work being any time I apply myself, focus on, direct
myself through or concentrate on something), instead of realizing that work is a necessary part of Life, it must take
place within one’s Life, and thus as one walks the process to birthing life,
one’s work will at the same time become Life as one with self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
define Life as ‘work’, instead of realizing that Life is as simple as
breathing, and anything that makes it seem harder is of the mind, unless of
course, one is starving or forced to slave labour etc…
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to,
based on my definition of Life as ‘work,’ tried to escape Life, similar to ‘getting
out of work,’ or ‘avoiding hard work,’ wherein I steal little breaks for
myself, which is really myself as my mind stealing me from myself, instead of
facing me, taking myself back and actually Living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
justify stealing ‘little breaks’ for myself as my mind, within the definition
of ‘Life as work,’ wherein I manipulate myself to think/believe/perceive that I
am doing it ‘for myself,’ instead of realizing that I am taking time from
myself, and wasting it, thus wasting myself and missing Life and missing myself
within self-sabotage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
waste time, avoid me, and dilly-dally within unawareness and indulgence of the
mind instead of walking my process toward realizing myself.
To be continued…
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