Day 35- I'm Not A Witch!

Today the prominent point I experienced was the experience of not speaking because of the self-observation that when I speak- it is not yet who I am. My last two blogs were about role-playing, wherein I have developed over time, the habit/pattern/coping mechanism of suppressing my natural self-expressions in order to play roles or personalities in an attempt to avoid conflict, in order to get what I want, because of fear of self-expression and due to pre-programming as socialization, family etc… so now what is coming up as a result of this realization, I have become more aware of who I am NOT. I am NOT these roles I play, and have played my entire life. So now, in a given situation, when I go to act/speak/participate, it’s like- there’s nothing there. When I give in to the experience of wanting to speak for the sake of social queues or whatever, I usually end up saying something that I am unsatisfied with because it is self-dishonest: it is speaking for the sake of filling space, speaking because of social pressure (either real or self-created), speaking because, for whatever reason, I feel I should, speaking to appear normal and fine (this is the one I’m going to focus on).

I often find myself speaking to appear ‘normal’ (whatever that is) and ‘fine,’ because, since I started my process of learning, understanding and applying the tools I learned from the Desteni website, I have been very much changing internally. However, I found I have had the tendency to ‘keep up appearances’ to/towards friends/family/community because of the fact that the status quo is very much accepted and embraced and thus I have been socialized as such, and a fear exist within me to go against the grain. A group such as Desteni or Equal Money is very much seen as scary, a threat, weird/bizarre/cultish and has provoked hostile reactions towards me. I understand these reactions because I went through the same socialization process, and if for some reason I was not able to see through this to actually hear what Desteni are saying, I would feel the same way. So I look at myself as this socialized being that I am- scared, closed minded, defensive and judgmental, ready to cry ‘witch’ and ‘cult,’ and I think to myself: this is impossible. Yet here I am, applying the Desteni tools (self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-corrective application) in my daily life, thus I am the living proof that this is possible: Even the most stubborn people can learn to question their internal experience as something they are entirely responsible for, question reality and what we accept and embrace as the status quo, and to actually move themselves to hear, learn, apply a different way of being. I am that type of person that I fear- closed-minded, judgmental, group-think/pack-mentality type, scared, defensive: I accepted and allowed all of that behavior to exit in me. I saw it prominently within myself in highschool, in elementary school, with friends in my youth etc… and now I play the role of ‘normal’ and ‘fine’ because I fear that person that I am, the one who would organize a witchhunt to persecute someone like me. I am that because I still have that in me, and it scares the shit out of me. I see now that this is the basis of it all: fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in extensive fear of myself and what I am capable of, and fear that others may be capable of the same things toward me, such as judgment, hatred, resent, fear and blame wherein I fear another will actually act out on these internal experiences and persecute me, either inside themselves or externally in actual reality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have participated within judgment, hatred, resent, fear and blame throughout my life without realizing the consequences of fear/keeping everyone locked in fear/fear of standing up/fear of change I was creating for myself and for others by consciously, unconsciously and subconsciously participating within such mind patterns of judgment, hatred, resent, fear and blame within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in judgment, self-judgment, resent, hatred, fear and blame and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing judgment, self-judgment, resent, hatred, fear and blame to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being persecuted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being ostracized.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected and outcast by friends/family/society.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become as my mind/ego/human nature of fear, survival and competition, wherein I want nothing to change because I am surviving right now the way things are, and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire to fight to maintain this status quo because it appears to be working out for me. because it's all I know, and because I fear ending up as one of the poor/starving/suffering in this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself and my own human nature and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the human nature of all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that human nature cannot be changed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that people will more likely persecute, ostracize, reject and outcast me then take responsibility for their own human nature, and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rather persecute, ostracize, reject and outcast myself than take absolute self-responsibility for my human nature as my creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myown creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create, manifest and participate within all these fears and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play roles due to these fears, because I believe that if people see me change, they will resort to human nature and attack/persecute/ostracize me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others seeing my change as a threat or judging me and thus expressing hostile behavior towards me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as ego to see my self-change as a threat and judging myself as it and thus expressing hostile behavior towards myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in this internal battle inside me of playing roles and hanging onto this image due to fear, instead of just letting go of the image and the fear and living for the first time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing because I don’t know who or how I will be and so I rely on the role I’m habituated to playing, so, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall in to habitual roles instead of standing up from within them and changing.

When and as I see myself going into fear based on how I may be perceived I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that I am only fearing myself, and the nastiness I have accepted and allowed within me, and I realize that nobody has the power to harm me as Who I Am except me. I realize I can be hurt physically, but there is no point in fearing that. Who I Am is Here, and no amount of judgment or rejection or expulsion can diminish me.

When and as I see myself going into roles due to the fears of how others will react to my change, I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that there’s no options except self-honesty in the moment- because that is the only option whose consequences I can accept and allow.

I commit myself to eradicate fear from within me so that I may stop suppressing myself and instead express and live me.

I commit myself to be/become the living proof that human nature can change.

I commit myself to discipline myself within expressing self-honesty, even if it calls for many awkward silences.

I commit myself to redeeming myself as a human being, by proving to myself that I will not accept anything less than who I am.