Thursday, June 21, 2012

DAY 44- A Lump in my Breast




Today I went to the doctor to have her look at a lump in my breast. She obviously couldn’t do much more than direct me to make an appointment at another clinic for an ultrasound, and of course to assure me that it’s probably a cyst or a benign tumor. However, like many human beings who have been in this situation before me, I am confronted by the experience of the possibility of cancer in a more real and imminent way than before I discovered the lump. I don’t feel an experience of fear within me at the thought of an early death or the possibility of cancer and chemo, but I’m going to forgive these future projections anyways because I may be suppressing it, keeping it together and ‘staying strong,’ because what’s the point of reacting in any way, when I don’t know the answer and there’s nothing I can do but wait for it? However, I cried on the way home from the doctor’s office because of the experience of self-pity, but also as a release of stress/anxiety from having to wait three days before actually going to the doctor and getting things moving.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself because I found a lump in my breast and now I have to deal with getting it checked out and waiting for results.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire pity from others because I have a lump in my breast.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want people to act differently around me now and then get angry when they act differently and get angry when they don’t act differently instead of realizing that I’m projecting myself on to everyone because I am angry at the existence of cancer and what it does to people and what it could do to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself because of the sad cancer stories I’ve seen in media, television and movies that I have copy and pasted into myself and judged thus creating and manifesting this experience of self-pity and being a victim because I have judged those with cancer in the media, television and movies as sad victims.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as a sad victim.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as a sad victim because I found a lump in my breast.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself as a sad victim because I found a lump in my breast, instead of standing up within the realization that nothing is different about who I am, and who I am remains the same no matter what changes in my external environment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project in to the future about having to undergo chemo and getting sick and not being able to work, and identifying that as a sad yet heroic event because of how I’ve seen it portrayed in movies, on television and in the media.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear chemo treatments and becoming sick and invalid during the treatment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my health and having to depend on others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to depend on others because I judge it as weak and limiting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge receiving assistance and support from others at certain times where that is required, as weak and limiting, instead of realizing and understanding that one must utilize the support within one’s environment when it is required.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having cancer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having manifested cancer for myself because of and due to self-suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger towards the thought of manifesting cancer for myself through self-suppression because I did not understand or realize how to be any other way, instead of taking that anger and bringing it Here, and working with it, as it, toward stopping self-suppression.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear of cancer to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear dying young.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I might not be able to survive if I had cancer.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my fears of an early death and not surviving cancer into the future and then fear my own projections.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear of death to exist within and as me.

Self-corrective statements to follow.

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