Day 73 & 74- Falling in the Face of Confrontation: Self-Commitments and Self-Corrective Application

            I wrote this blog over the past two days; I went over my last blog in order to see, realize and understand this point of fear of confrontation which leads to social anxieties and the belief that people have some kind of power over me that affects the way I experience myself. Within this blog I am re-scripting myself in order to take my power back and direct myself through social situations, rather than being a slave to my fears, reactions beliefs, hopes and desires (specifically, within this blog, within social situations).

            In italics are the specific self-forgiveness statements from which I derive my self-commitments and self-corrective applications. The self-forgiveness statements come from a specific event that I wrote out and took apart in days 71 and 72- it was an event in which I experienced the specific fears/anxieties I have developed over time. Within ‘taking it apart’ through self-forgiveness, I am able to see how I created the fears and anxieties, why I participate within and as them, and how I can stop this and walk through these situations within and as self-expression instead.

 

Day 73-

Self-Forgiveness:

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear confrontation because I think/believe it can/will take my power away, meaning- cause me to hide/suppress myself, to restrict/restrain/control myself instead of expressing myself as who I am.”

Self-Commitment:

I commit myself to continue to walk into social situations and breathe through reactions of wanting to hide/suppress/restrict/control myself as they come up. I also commit myself to investigate the reactions that influence me, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.

Self-Corrective Application:

When and as I experience myself as the fears that cause me to react in wanting to hide/suppress/restrict/control myself I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that the reaction is only momentary, and I direct myself to, when and as the experience arises, take a moment to myself, to silently ground myself Here, and in that moment, determine for myself Who I Am, instead of looking at/interpreting myself through others.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that others outside of me have the ability to take my power away, and to stop me from doing/being who I am because they may get angry/frustrated, irritated or annoyed.”

I commit myself to take my power back by dedicating myself to walk the process to no longer accepting/allowing myself to be influenced by the reactions of others through walking out of reactions and into self-trust, self-commitment and self-direction.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that when others react in anger/frustration/annoyance/irritation, that it is because I’m bad/wrong/out of line, or that it’s my fault/responsibility in any way shape or form.”

I see, realize and understand that I  am in no way responsible for what goes on inside the minds of others, as only each one is responsible for his/her internal experience, and that if I in any way ‘cause’ another to react, it is in fact them reflecting themselves/seeing something of themselves within me.

I commit myself to sever and discard of any relationships I have developed between other people’s reactions and my self-definition.

When and as I see that I am basing my self-definition/experience of myself on the reactions of others I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction within the understanding that others do not determine who or how I am, but rather I am responsible for my own internal experience. I remind myself that I am not bad/wrong/out of line/responsible/at fault, no, I am forgiven, and I can and will move on and continue to walk with/as myself.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe the reactions of others dictates who I am.”

I commit myself to direct myself as Who I Am, moment to moment, breath to breath.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my thoughts/ideas/imaginations/fantasies as ‘worst case scenarios’ of how people will react into the future, and then fear them (the projections), thus accepting and allowing myself to change my behaviour, in essence restraining/restricting/controlling myself in ways in which I think/believe/perceive will avoid such worst-case-scenarios which only ever existed in my mind.

I commit myself to walk myself out of my mind and into the physical in order that I may express myself freely without the restriction/restraining/controlling of self that only happens within and as the mind.

When and as I see that I am future-projecting creating false fears to haunt/distract myself with I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to presence and awareness within/through stopping my participation in such thoughts as projections and bringing myself back to breath by becoming aware of my breathing, and reminding myself that such thoughts/projections are not necessary, they are self-sabotage and they do not serve me.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that if conflict were to occur, that my power could be taken away, based on past memories/acceptances/allowances wherein I had actually created this as a reality through taking my own power away by abdicating my responsibility to myself through blaming others for how I felt inside and how I chose to behave/react/handle the situation.”

I commit myself to taking my power back by taking self-responsibility for who and how I am internally and externally by stopping blaming others for how I behave/react/handle situations.

When and as I see that I am blaming others for how I’m feeling, for example, when I am trying to present myself as ‘extra normal,’ ‘quiet’, ‘reserved,’ or ‘subdued’ (or the polarity experiences) within a conscious or subconscious image of people connected to the thought of them being upset with me, I stop and I breathe. I bring myself back to my physical body by reminding myself that it’s not what I do, it’s who I am within what I do. Within this, I see, realize and understand that it’s ok for me to be quiet, subdued, or reserved so long as it is self-directed, wherein, when and as I see that I am in the mind fearing upsetting someone I take a moment to myself to breathe and become aware of myself and my body and remind myself that I Am Here.

I allow myself to walk in self-trust and self-direction, fearlessly into and through any situation.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base Who I Am on past memories/experiences instead of taking the self-responsibility to create Who I Am in every moment of breath.”

I commit myself to stop falling back to the comfort of old patterns and habits, and to instead create myself as a self-honest, self-directive being through writing out the memories I hang on to and re-experience, forgiving myself for accepting/allowing them to exist within/as me and influence me, and instead walk into and as self-direction.

When and as I see that I am walking into a social situation within the experience of ‘shyness,’ ‘dread’, ‘fear’ and restraint/restriction/control simply because ‘that’s how it’s always been,’ I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to self-direction by reminding myself that there is a choice, and that I can, within one breath, decide to walk in self-expression as Who I Am, Here.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear walking into situations where I will be in contact with people because I am walking within and as the mind of ideas/thoughts/beliefs/fears/projections/fantasies/imaginations that I create and terrorize myself with, instead of walking within and as self-trust.”

I commit myself to stopping existing within and as the limitations of the mind in order to instead free myself as complete self-expression without fear or limitation (except of course, the practical limitations of physical reality).

I commit myself to stop terrorizing myself with my mind.

I commit myself to stop living in fear.

Day 74-
 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to restrict/restrain/control myself within and as the constant apprehension I exist within and as due to the self-created fear of potential conflict in social situations, instead of letting go and existing in the moment, within the understanding that I will deal with conflict if/when it arises within common sense and using practical solutions.”

I commit myself to stand up within conflict/confrontation, and to direct myself through conflict/confrontation as Who I Am as common sense and practicality, instead of falling into a reactive state directed by the mind of fear.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give friends/family the power to accept/reject me by accepting and allowing others to determine if I accept/reject myself, because if I accept myself unconditionally then it doesn’t matter if others accept or reject me.”

I commit myself to walk the process of unconditional self-acceptance.

When and as I see myself worrying about whether I will be accepted or not I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that I accept me, and that I will always have myself, a self that forgives and accepts me within the understanding that I Will Change that which I cannot accept.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself and my self-acceptance within and through interpreting how I am reflected back to myself by/through others outside of me, instead of deciding Who I Am and Creating myself moment to moment.”

I commit myself to stop defining myself based on what others think or how they act around me, and to instead direct myself towards self-honesty no matter what others may think.

 

When and as I see that I am looking to the reaction of others to determine/decide whether who/how I am is acceptable/desirable or not, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to Self-direction within the realization that the minds of ‘others’ in no way represents a stable or rational standard, and that it would actually be impossible to ever achieve self-acceptance this way. Thus, I direct myself to the standard of self-honesty, oneness and equality wherein I can determine if who/how I am is acceptable by asking myself: “Am I being self-honest,” “Am I treating others as I would like to be treated/giving as I would like to receive,” and “am I doingwhat’s best for all?”

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a negative reaction from others.”

                  I commit myself to taking myself back from having lived a life of abdicating myself-responsibility to my fears.

 

“Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others will become angry and/or defensive about something I’ve posted online.”

                  I commit myself to post only that which I understand and can stand by, and I commit myself to stand by what I share in person or online, as it is a statement of Who I Am as Who I Direct Myself to Be and Become. This is my choice.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that someone/others are following me online without letting me know, and secretly developing a hatred towards me.”

                  Icommit myself to stop distracting myself with the unlimited potential thought/reactions others could be having towards me. Within this, I commit myself to continue walking my process for me, as me, without changing me depending on what others might or might not be thinking.

                  When and as I see that I am distracting myself with hopes that others will hear the message of Desteni, and stand up and change through walking this process ofself-change through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, or distracting myself with fears of ‘worst case scenario’ play outs, I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back into focus by immediately deleting the thoughts or writing them out when necessary, within the realization that I have decided that I Will Not allow myself to be directed by secret hopes/fears, but will rather focus on me, my process, my change and my responsibility to myself and to all. I bring myself back to whatever it is that I am busy with, and decide breath by breath, how to continue walking forward without the influence of hopes/fears, and instead with the guiding principles of doing what’s best for all, as all are equal and one, as I correct myself and my living to be/become a human being that cares and considers the rest of Life that shares the earth with me as my equals.

                  I see, realize and understand that neither hope nor fear is ‘bigger’ than me, in that it does not have power over me, but I rather create it, thus I am equal to it and one with it, thus I have the power to stop it and change it to self-directive living.

 

“I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others hating me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on whether or not others hate/like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire others to like/accept/approve of me and what I do.

I forgivemyself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I need approval and/or validation to do/be/express myself.”

                  I commit myself to effectively stop accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on what I think others might think of me, through taking responsibility for my internal experience and the reactions I have when I am in the presence of certain specific people/situations- taking responsibility by understanding why/how/what it is I  experience within myself, because within understanding it I can trace it back to the root cause,forgive myself for it, and change.

                  When and as I see that I am changing myself/my personality/my body language etc... in order to get approval/acceptance/validation from others I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to walking myself into self-expression by focusing on my breath and my physical body, in order to assess what is a comfortable posture, what exactly am I expressing and who exactly I ‘m trying to be in order to apply self-honesty and express only Who I Am as who and how I direct myself to be/become.

                  I accept and allow myself to assist and support myself and my physical body, and I do not accept or allow myself to use these things to manipulate myself or others or the situation within self-interest in order to obtain an outcome that suits me.

                  I commit myself to deal with an outcome of any situation within and as self-honesty, and to direct the situation if/when I am able to stand as self-trust and absolute self-direction with no outside or internal influences.

 

“Iforgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘look for’ signs to confirm my worst social fears, which are that people will hate/reject/disapprove/invalidate me, by being/becoming ‘extra sensitive’ to how people are behaving around me, wherein I look for and fear any little sign of hate, rejection, disapproval, or invalidation because I as my mind am looking to feed/fulfill the fear energy within/as me.”

                  When and as I see that I am looking for signs in others or in the behaviour of others in order to confirm my ‘worst fears’ in terms of being rejected/disapproved of/invalidated/confronted I stop and I breathe. I take myself back from my fears by stopping my participation within and as this behavior because I see/realize/understand that all I require to do is stand within and as my own self-worth, acceptance, approval, validation and self-trust. And within and through understanding myself and my own mind I will better understand why others might not accept/approve/validate me, or why they might feel confrontational around me, so that I can stand equal to and one with them no matter how they choose to interact with me.

                  When and as I see that I am feeling ‘extra sensitive’ to the behaviours of others, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that I am being directed within/as my mind of fears, and thus I cannot trust myself to make decisions or take a firm and stable stance in that moment, and so I direct myself to instead focus on breathing and walking myself out of the mind and back to Here.

                  I commit myself to take a moment to take a breath and walk myself out of my participation in energy (specifically in this case fear) before I speak and engage with others in my world.

Day 72- Falling in the Face of Confrontation, What/Why/How?

Within this blog post, I will continue from Day 71- Falling in the Face of Confrontation, by looking at what happense, why it happnse and how I accept and allow it to take place within me. I will do this by using the tool of self-forgiveness, which I learned how to use within and through the Desteni material.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my thoughts/ideas/imaginations/fantasies as ‘worst case scenarios’ of how people will react into the future, and then fear them, thus accepting and allowing myself to change my behaviour, in essence restraining/restricting/controlling myself in ways in which I think/believe/perceive will avoid such worst-case-scenarios which only ever existed in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that if conflict were to occur, that my power could be taken away, based on past memories/acceptances/allowances wherein I had actually created this as a reality through taking my own power away by abdicating my responsibility to myself through blaming others for how I felt inside and how I chose to behave/react/handle the situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base Who I Am on past memories/experiences instead of taking the self-responsibility to create Who I Am in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear walking into situations where I will be in contact with people because I am walking within and as the mind of ideas/thoughts/beliefs/fears/projections/fantasies/imaginations that I create and terrorize myself with, instead of walking within and as self-trust.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to restrict/restrain/control myself within and as the constant apprehension I exists within and as due to the self-created fear of potential conflict in social situations, instead of letting go and existing in the moment, within the understanding that I will deal with conflict if/when it arises within common sense and using practical solutions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel apprehensive about what friends/family think of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear friends/family not accepting me or rejecting me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give friends/family the power to accept/reject me by accepting and allowing others to determine if I accept/reject myself, because if I accept myself unconditionally then it doesn’t matter if others accept or reject me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself and my self-acceptance within and through interpreting how I am reflected back to myself by/through others outside of me, instead of deciding Who I Am and Creating myself moment to moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear a negative reaction from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others will become angry and/or defensive about something I’ve posted online.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that someone/others are secretly following me online and developing a hatred towards me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that someone/others are following me online without letting me know, and secretly developing a hatred towards me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others hating me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself based on whether or not others hate/like me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/need/desire others to like/accept/approve of me and what I do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I need approval and/or validation to do/be/express myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘look for’ signs to confirm my worst social fears, which are that people will hate/reject/disapprove/invalidate me, by being/becoming ‘extra sensitive’ to how people are behaving around me, wherein I look for and fear any little sign of hate, rejection, disapproval, or invalidation because I as my mind am looking to feed/fulfill the fear energy within/as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear of conflict to exist within and as me.

Next post will continue with self-commitment statements, as well as self-corrective application scripts.

Day 71- Falling in the Face of Confrontation

 Falling in the Face of Confrontation - Why does it happen?

Within this blog I am going to be looking at three events that occurred within which I experienced myself as fearful in relation to people.

Ever since I can remember I was very shy within and as the experience of ‘fear’ towards people. This fear has many dimensions, which I will look at one by one, beginning with the ‘fear of confrontation.’ This fear exists even before a confrontation occurs, due to the ‘potential’ for a confrontation to occur. The fear is that, when in a confrontation, I fear the other person will ‘take my power away’, and restrain/restrict/control me through their reactions towards me.

I have already realized that this is self-created, because when I looked at it I see that I ‘fear’ the reaction of others, thus I take my own power away by restraining/restricting/controlling myself, in an attempt to avoid getting a ‘negative’ reaction from people, which I express in a realization I made here:

“I see some relationships here… between my accepting/allowing myself to 'feel bad' when others are angry/irritated/annoyed, and also to me restraining/controlling/restricting myself but making 'them' responsible within thinking it's 'them' that has the power to take my power away, but really I'm trying to avoid 'feeling bad' by never upsetting anyone- thus restraining/controlling/restricting myself.”

I realize now that this is self-created, and it is I who is giving my power away (“power” meaning- the ability to do/be myself/express myself/speak up/feel comfortable, etc…), however, throughout my life, within not taking responsibility for this within the belief that it is ‘people’ ‘out there’ ‘doing this’ ‘to me,’ I effectively lived within the fear of upsetting anyone within the belief that ‘they’ had this power. This manifested as me being very quiet, suppressing myself (restraining/controlling/restricting myself) so as not to upset anyone, thus- ‘shyness,’ and also, being very aware of what I am doing and how I am being and how others are reacting. Another outflow of this is keeping to myself, not sharing myself, my values/principles etc… not drawing attention to what is important to me. Also, I would participate as aprojected version of myself, as the characters I have designed that do not upset the waters, that are ‘agreeable’, ‘nice’, ‘always flexible’ and other personalities along these lines.

I understand that it is not to now become ‘mean’, ‘rigid’ and ‘dis-agreeable’, or unnecessarily confrontational, but rather to change my starting point to minimizing conflict for practical purposes, and not because of avoidance, suppression and/or fear. And to be a decent human being who works well with others because that is how I would like others to be with me, not because I’m trying not to upset anyone.

So I will begin by looking at three events that occurred recently in order to open the point up and then look at how I created this entire experience for myself.

Event 1)

I recently experienced the ‘fear of confrontation’ when I was going camping. I haven’t seen many of the people I was going camping with for a while and have not had much communication with them. I am, however, connected to them online through several social network sites, which I post a lot of material/personal writing/videos which I am aware can get a reaction. My fear was that any number of these people could have seen something I posted or wrote, and become angry and/or defensive about it. Or someone could be following me online without my knowing, and secretly be developing a hatred towards me because of what I’m doing, what I support or what I post publicly. I notice I had the desire to be extra ‘normal’, at times I was very aware of how people were interacting with me, as I was wondering if a negative reaction to me was the result of what I stand for or if it was really about the issue at hand. On the way there I also felt a little apprehensive about walking into and living so closely with such a big group all day and night, although it all turned out to be one of the most fun times I had in a while, and I would like to do it again.

So the main points are the fear/apprehension before the event, the heightened sensitivity during the event, and the lingering fear after the event, like “I can’t believe it went so well- did I miss something?”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people because I fear potential confrontation with them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear confrontation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear confrontation because I think/believe it can/will take my power away, meaning- cause me to hide/suppress myself, to restrict/restrain/control myself instead of expressing myself as who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that others outside of me have the ability to take my power away, and to stop me from doing/being who I am because they may get angry/frustrated, irritated or annoyed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that when others react in anger/frustration/annoyance/irritation, that it is because I’m bad/wrong/out of line, or that it’s my fault/responsibility in any way shape or form.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe that I ‘cause’ others to react as they do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the reaction of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe the reactions of others dictates who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become a slave to the potential/possible reactions of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to the whim of others due to fear of how they might react to me, within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to change who/how I am in order to avoid ‘causing’ others to react negatively towards me.

To be continued…

Day 70- Posponement Character- Conclusions

This is a continuation of my previous blogs:

 

Day 63- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-63-postponement-character.html

 

Day 64- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-64-postponement-character-self.html

 

Day 65- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/thisis-continuation-from-my-previous.html

 

Day 66- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-66-postponement-character-self.html

 

Day 67- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-67-postponement-character-reactions.html

Day 68- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-68-postponement-character-reactions_17.html

and,

Day 69- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-69-postponement-character-reactions.html

In looking at the ‘postponement character’ I go into in moments when I can and should be applying myself I see the consequences over time of me not living up to my own standards, me not being able to effectively move myself and take on tasks in Life in order to do what’s best for me, thus disempowering myself from being able to do what’s bestfor all as me. In applying the equality equation (1+1=2), I can see that if every human being faces this character within themselves, we end up with a disempowered population that is not able to take care of all, but only able to do what 'they want', when 'they want'.

Because this character is activated only when I require to push myself/perform a task that pushes me and tests my limits, I see that the character has me only doing ‘what I want to do’. When I want to do something that is easy/fun/interesting- I have no problem with getting myself up and going. It is only when the task requires something more of me that I see myself looking to put it off. I have, within these past posts, seen the ‘what’ and ‘how’ I manage this by not taking responsibility for what is going on in my mind and thus, allowing my mind to have directive principle over me.  I am NOT my narrow mind that only exists in self-interest and indulgence. I refuse, and in this refusal I take the initiative to take back my directive principle, and act on principle instead of ‘how I feel inside.’ Thus I will not contribute myself to a humanity that is apparently locked into the internal fears and desires that we call ‘human nature’, but I will rather stand up for Life, and through my application, be the living proof that there is a choice, that All can stand up from within themselves through taking self-responsibility for all of self asLife.

However, in order to effectively move myself, I require to deal with and take responsibility for this character I have developed and played-out over time, that I call the ‘postponement character’, as I cannot afford to postpone from self-change any longer, as time is of the essence. Within these past several posts I have seen that I postpone when I have decided to take on a task or several tasks that push me and test my limits. This involves school, Equal Money and Desteni. All of which require the self-application to learn, understand and integrate new concepts, and move myself to actually DO THE WORK. Actually doing the work is essentially moving myself to change. Thus, I see the singular fear from which the postponement character was born is the Fear of Change.

 

Fear of Change:

-          What I’ve defined myself according to my world which I fear losing?

          In placing myself as this question, the first answer that comes up is ‘relationships.’ Specifically those relationships in my world, such as friends/coworkers/family that I believe that, if I were to change I would lose, because if I were to change, I believe there would be conflict, thus it is easier for me to remain the same, to not stir ‘the water’/cause waves, but rather just have everything stay the same.

          In my next post, I will look more closely at this issue of conflict, and why it is that I don’t believe I can stand stable within conflict, but would rather avoid it and remain trapped within myself, as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become.

Day 69- Postponement Character Reactions

This is a continuation of my previous blogs:

Day 63- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-63-postponement-character.html

Day 64- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-64-postponement-character-self.html

Day 65- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/thisis-continuation-from-my-previous.html

Day 66- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-66-postponement-character-self.html

Day 67- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-67-postponement-character-reactions.html

and

Day 68- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-68-postponement-character-reactions_17.html

          One of the things I have the tendency to do it to do a quick ‘scan’ of my life, and think of all the big decisions I have to make, along with the ‘what if’s’ and possible play outs and the desires and fears associated with that. And then within this ‘scan’ I also think of the multitude of little details I have to take care of that are nagging at me, that I probably put off as a result of not effectively looking at/dealing with myself as the ‘postponement character’. This creates anxiety within me, usually right at the moment where I am applying myself at a task- that split second where I am making the decision to commit to the task- it is on that moment that my mind does the ‘quick scan’ which, when I allow, results in me becoming anxious and distracted and then I proceed as a less effective being doing a less-than-effective job, thus creating more loose ends, let-downs and lack of self-trust/self-movement.
          “It’s the little things that make it huge” (a quote from the movie Vanilla Sky). I remind myself of this quote because it is very true. One split second at just the right time can effectively sabotage me in a specific way over and over again and create difficult consequences in my life which- if I were to push through that split second of a moment (over and over as it happens often) if I were to just push through it and chose to fully commit to the task, my whole Life would change. I’m not saying this is the only thing that requires to be changed in my life (as is demonstrated in the MANY points I bring up in all my blogs), I’m saying that the little things that can be changed over time, create a huge change in one’s life over time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in a split second, do a ‘quick scan’ of my life and, while I’m physically trying/attempting to apply myself towards something, my mind is subtly finding all the ‘loose ends’ in my life that I have not yet dealt with, and bringing them to the fore, wherein I become distracted and anxious and unable to fully commit all of me to the task at hand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself in times of application, where I am effectively sabotaging myself within/as my mind, as I am physically attempting to push myself to apply myself and change the habits/peatterns within/as me that have ‘plagued’ me for so long. I see/realize/understand that this resistance is a resistance to change, and as I slow down within myself/my mind, I see/understand how it works and thus how to stop it, as follows:

When and as I see that I am beginning a task that pushes me to test my limits, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that I have the tendency to sabotage myself in these moments through doing a ‘quick scan’ of my life and bringing to the fore all the things I have left undone. I bring myself back to presence and awareness within the understanding that, in this moment I Am Able to remain focused, and if I push through this moment, I Will get through and be able to focus in full presence and awareness on the task at hand. I see/realize/understand that when/as I apply myself in this way, I will develop the actual self-trust and self-application that I require to live a life wherein I deal with the ‘loose ends’ as they arise, and eventually effectively prevent them from occurring in the first place. I commit myself to push myself to be diligent within my application of remaining Here while I work, within the understanding/realization that this is a new sensation and application of myself, thus it is a moment of uncertainty where I have thus far accepted/allowed my mind to take directive principle. Thus I commit myself to take back my power and Stand as the Decision to Be the Directive Principle of Myself, wherein I Decide, I take the wheel in my Life and I take the reins in every moment, knowing that at any sign of ‘weakness’ or uncertainty, my mind will be waiting to take it back as the comfort of old habits and patterns lingers as a CONvincing illusion of peace and rest. I know and am fully aware that abdicating Self to the mind in this way results in the opposite of peace and rest, but is rather and experience of prison, wherein Self has No Say in Who Self is or What Self Does in this Life, but rather sits back and drifts along as the consequences accumulate and slow self-destruction takes place daily. I say No.

Day 68- Postponement Character Reactions

This is a continuation of my previous blogs:

Day 63- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-63-postponement-character.html

Day 64- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-64-postponement-character-self.html

Day 65- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/thisis-continuation-from-my-previous.html

Day 66- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-66-postponement-character-self.html

Day 67- http://kimsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-67-postponement-character-reactions.html

I’m writing out the excuses my ‘voice in the head’ uses to justify putting off tasks till later, instead of moving myself in the moment, pushing through resistances and bringing myself out of the mind and back to ‘Here’.

When I am doing work I notice the ‘voice in my head’ distracting me with thoughts such as:

“this is such boring work, I’d rather be on facebook/Hotmail reading interesting/relevant things instead” (big waves of irritation/boredom/impatience). “I need to find a better job/I should do laundry/sign up for classes/decide where I’m going to live...” (anxiety). Within all this, I become easily distracted and lose my focus.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to distract myself with thoughts which create a desire within me to stop what I am doing and do something else which all of a sudden seems way more interesting and pressing instead of realizing that it is a mind-trick, because the task that I am currently doing is challenging me, especially if the task is something I have moved myself to do and not something I ‘want’ to be doing from a starting point of energy (desire, motivation, distraction etc…).

I commit myself to live the realization that the tasks that challenge me will be resisted by my mind, but that if I push through the energy will dissipate eventually.

I commit myself to continue to apply myself, until I move me Here.

When and as I see that I am playing mind games with myself, wherein I am creating a polarity where one task seems pressing and interesting and fun (social media), and the other seems dull and boring and stagnant (school), I stop, and I breathe. I bring myself back to awareness within the realization that self-movement cannot exist within polarity, and polarity only exists through relationships I have developed over time, and that if I bring myself back to Here then I am not creating relationships, but existing in the moment with and as breath, and so I breathe through it and move me to focus on the task in front of me until I Decide to stop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create waves of boredom, irritation and impatience to wash over me in relation to staying on task/getting distracted, instead of realizing that I am really actually bored/impatient/irritated with myself for constantly and continuously accepting and allowing myself to go into the postponement character which I know will lead to things like stress and stagnation and overwhelming-ness.

I commit myself to take responsibility for my reactions by taking it back to self and seeing that the reactions are really about me and what I’m accepting and allowing, and not about the work or the task at all.

When and as I see that I ‘m reacting to the work I’m doing within irritation, boredom and/or impatience, I stop, and I breathe. I remind myself that I have the Choice to either participate within and as these reactions or not, and I direct myself to choose to not participate, and to instead remain Here, moving me, pushing me and being/becoming aware of my breathing.

Day 67- Postponement Character Reactions

          Within this blog I am looking at and self-forgiving the reactions created by the back chat that comes from the initial thoughts which I already forgave in my last blogs Here, Here and Here (in that order). When we participate within and as back chat, we follow our thoughts into internal conversations in the mind, which creates reactions that result in things such as ‘postponement’.
          When I experience ‘postponement’ it is an actual physical experience, wherein I experience physical tiredness, heaviness, like a ‘walking through sludge’ type experience, I even get nauseous. Throughout this are the internal battles of judgment (I can’t believe I’m putting this off, I should be working right now, I’m so lazy etc etc etc…that feels like self-loathing and really being down on oneself).
          It has been fascinating to see how I actually create these experiences for myself, particularly when I have school assignments and the deadline is far enough away that I need to motivate myself without the stress that gets most of us students moving. Or even going to work wherein, I have had a hard time being on time because I just don’t want to go and I follow my mind into reactions from back chat that are actually physically difficult to move through. All this is entirely unnecessary.
          Each task in life, whether it is school, work, chores, daily responsibilities etc… can be done in the moment without reaction by taking self-responsibility to look at what the mind is doing, and changing it to work for you instead of against you. Here I am continuing to re-program’ my own mind to equality and oneness to my SELF, and thus to all that is here because after all, we’re all equal and one as Life and existence. This way, no thing is 'bigger than' me or my ability to move myself, thus no internal experience within me is 'too big' to move through. Within being equal to and as it, one can effectively stop and change it.

To begin, a re-cap on identifying the back chat: ( I will be working with the part in Italics)

“The backchat associated with these thoughts, I can identify as: “I have so much to keep up on online” (overwhelmed), “this is such boring work, I’d rather be on facebook/Hotmail reading interesting/relevant things instead” (big waves of irritation/boredom/impatience). “I need to find a better job/I should do laundry/sign up for classes/decide where I’m going to live...” (anxiety). Within all this, I become easily distracted and lose my focus.

SELF-FORGIVENESS & SELF-COMMITTMENTS:

ON: following back chat through to actual physical/emotional reaction:

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as reactions based on backchat about thoughts that I accept and allow in relation to tasks that I direct myself to do.

I commit myself to begin each new task with a clear starting point, wherein I check myself to see the backchat I am speaking to myself silently in the secrecy of my mind, I realize I have a choice to follow it or not, and I choose to breathe through it in order that I may ensure that I am acting within and as self-direction and not within and as reactions to backchat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing reactions from backchat to exist within and as me.

I commit myself to stop choosing backchat, to stop in each moment that I give myself that choice, and to choose life each time, every time for as long as it takes until back chat no longer exists within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceived that the reactions that I create from thoughts and backchat are real/are me/are who I am in the moment, because they feel/seem so real because I actually experience them physically as a tiredness, heaviness, ‘dragging’ sensation and internal ‘temper tantrums’, instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that I accepted and allowed myself to continue participating in and creating the experience through feeding it with my energy/attention until it manifested physically as an actual physical sensation, showing me that I in fact create my own reality and within this, I remind myself that it is a CHOICE, and there is ANOTHER WAY.

I commit myself to SEE THROUGH the illusion that I am trapped within whatever I experience and instead I realized that if I stop and look at it/myself through self-introspection (writing self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application), then I can actually see how I create it, understand how to stop creating it, and effectively change me/my experience of myself/my application of myself to one that is best for all- thus best for myself.

OVERWHELMING-NESS:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as ‘overwhelming-ness’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘overwhelming-ness’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the internal energetic experience of ‘overwhelming-ness’ as an excuse to postpone from pushing myself to do a task or move effectively throughout my life and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react within and as ‘overwhelming-ness’ in relation/response/reaction to the internal conversations I have with myself that consists of telling myself ‘I have so much to do’ implying ‘I’ll never be able to keep up’, ‘I’ll fall behind and not be able to accomplish everything thus I will FAIL (fear of failure)’, I will not “do what I’m supposed to do’ to attain some unnamed standard and will thus DISAPPOINT myself and others and be PLAGUED with REGRET.

Within this self-forgiveness statement I see that the experience of OVERWHELMING-NESS is created from FEAR OF FAILURE, FEAR OF DISAPPOINTMENT, and FEAR OF REGRET. So…

I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application, realize/see/understand exactly how I create the experience of ‘overwhelming-ness’ within and as me through reacting to fear of failure, fear of disappointment and fear of regret, wherein I thus then learn and practice how to stop it each time, learning how to change my living so as to not create overwhelming-ness in the first place, but to instead effectively DEAL with daily Life and everything that is thrown at me in every moment and to walk one with and equal to it always wherein I DIRECT IT, I CHOOSE who and how I am, and I DO NOT accept or allow myself to live ‘overwhelming-ness’ because it does not serve me in any way.

FEAR OF FAILURE/POSTPONEMENT

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the ‘fear of failure.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the fear of failure as a reason/excuse/justification to not move myself/push myself to be fully present/aware/effective within tasks, and to instead postpone from doing them thus postponing me from actually Living.

I commit myself to stop participating within and as the self-abuse of ‘fear of failure’ by stopping myself from following the thoughts and focusing myself instead upon my breathing until the thought dissipates and I instead move me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the ‘fear of failure’ to exist within and as me.

I commit myself to rid my body of the chemical reaction produced by the fear of failure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive the ‘fear of failure’ is real/who I am in any way, I see/realize/understand that it is an automated program within and as me that I have developed over time due to not understanding who and how I created myself within and as how I grew up/was socialized in school/family/work/society and thus, I used the fear of failure to keep me down/scared/limited so as not to have to take responsibility for myself but instead to drift along and not question anything or try to change anything but rather just be a bystander in life.

I commit myself to be/become a fully active participant in life in the face of any and all fear within the understanding that fear is not real and not necessary and that practical common sense is all anybody needs to live.

DISAPPOINTMENT/POSTPONEMENT

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear ‘disappointment’ either in myself or from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think/believe/perceive that ‘disappointment is real or is who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘disappointment’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use disappointment/fear of disappointment to sabotage myself from effectively moving in the moment, and using it to reinforce myself as the ‘postponement character’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘disappointment’ thus creating a relationship of fear towards it, instead of standing equal to and one with it and changing myself as it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the fear of disappointment that I accept and allow to exist within and as me, instead of directing myself (self-direction) through the fear of disappointment by simply doing the task at hand within and as breathe in the moment, doing the best I can within self-honesty, and seeing the task through to completion within the understanding that, I am always learning, I can always improve upon myself, but the only way to improve is to do a task to the best of my ability in the first place and to learn from myself and my ‘mis-takes’ wherein, there is no space or place or need for disappointment of the fear of disappointment because, Life is ongoing and I am ever changing and am not defined by any one singular thing or task, but rather by my application of myself over time and who I am within that.

REGRET/POSTPONEMENT

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as regret’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing ‘regret’ to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from ‘regret’ and within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop a relationship of ‘fear’ towards ‘regret’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use ‘regret’ as a reason/justification/excuse to postpone myself from moving me effectively through my Life and world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react towards ‘regret’ within a fear that stops me from even trying, within the delusional idea that, ‘if I don’t try it, I won’t regret failing/disappointing myself’ instead of realizing that failure and disappointment do not exist, thus the only thing to regret is not trying in the first place. In this, I see/realize/understand how I in fact manifest ‘regret’ into and as my life and my world and into and as myself by letting opportunities pass me by due to fear of regret, thus missing opportunities to know me, live and apply myself and actually really live instead of merely existing as a prisoner of the mind, frozen in fear and only reacting instead of fully participating in this One Life we have.

I commit myself to effectively END REGRET within and as myself by fearlessly seizing every opportunity to live and express and ‘Be’ to the fullest extent that I am capable, wherein I constantly push myself to test my limits within the understanding that fear is an illusion and limitations are self-created.

When and as I see that I am going into/am in the ‘postponement’ character within and as the internal energetic experience of ‘overwhelming-ness’ caused by ‘fear of failure’, ‘regret’ and ‘disappointment’ I stop, and I breath. I bring myself back to stability Here by reminding myself that only by moving me in the moment will I truly not manifest these experiences for myself, thus I Move Me Here.